Introducing partner to friends: not going well

[Pogmella]

I've been with my partner for a little over 6 months. My last serious relationship was my marriage which ended 18 months ago following discover of Exhs affair.

My main group of friends are from uni. We (were) 4 couples including exh with nearly 20 years' shared experiences. Due to changed locations etc we tend to only get together once a quarter maybe these days, usually involving us all staying overnight in the same place and spending a couple of days together.

My partner is quite introverted anyway but has met other friends of mine which has gone fine.

He's really self conscious about the role exh had in this friendship group, despite none of them having spoken to him since our marriage broke down (And them being openly critical of his behaviour)

We just had our Christmas get together and it did not go well. Partner arrived v.late was sulky and quiet, made some pretty off colour jokes when he did warm up (nerves obv), did in fairness relax and open up a bit over board games, but then the next day made an excuse and left at 11am (was expected to stay for lunch until about 2).

I think a lot of it is nerves and perhaps I'm subconsciously thinking about how easy and simple it used to be- which obv isn't fair! But how should I handle this? Do I tell him it's upset me and therefore make it an issue (probably make him more shy) or just put the work in and maybe arrange dinners with a couple at a time (not all 6)

Or do I just need to hugely adjust my expectations here. I suppose if anyone has similar experiences I'd love to know how this might pan out.

My DP had friends who actively said to him that they were happy to remain friends with him but not with me. One bloke called me by the ex’s name even though the relationship between her and DP ended difficultly.

And you thought that was acceptable?

Summer I think I have the opposite problem. They're all really keen to get to know him and involve him in everything. I thought the parts of the weekend with games/structure worked well and he was relaxed, after he'd gone one of my friends said that while he came across well then, she was dissappinted she couldn't have a conversation with him and get to know him.

You don't know him hardly at all at six months in. He may not have been sulking, he could have been anxious as fuck for example.

My dp might have done something like this. He didn't because I waited much longer to introduce him to others who had been friendly with my ex.. I wanted to know him a bit before i put him in potentially awkward positions.

I remember when I didn't know dp well we would have arguments where I thought he was being cold/ ignoring me/ sulking. Guess what, after knowing him for a year I found out he actually has a chronic physical health complaint that causes him pain and he hates talking about it and as a result he can seem off at times. Now we know and trust each other better and he easily can tell me when he's unwell. And when he is unwell he doesn't seem grumpy because he knows he can talk to me about it. The stress is reduced by us being closer now.

However if you do want someone who is very polished and confident and reliable in a social sense, it sounds like this guy isn't the right one for you. That's ok too.

Be kind but at the same time, don't be with someone who isn't right for you.

Your expectation that the dynamic would be the same as before was completely unrealistic.

But I don't think that means you should turn a blind eye to the sulkiness, which is a really unattractive trait. If he's going to sulk whenever he's reminded that you had a life before him, I would get rid quite frankly. Sulking is absolutely not the same thing as being shy - nor is it a grownup response to feeling uncomfortable in a new situation.

Speaking as an introvert, in a situation like this I'd make an effort to be cheerful and polite even if it was awkward at first, or even if I couldn't fully join in with the conversation etc. And I'd expect the same from a partner.

Having been in your partner's shoes, I'm saying faults on both sides. These things can be a bit like interview panels, with people you've never met wanting to know all about you. He probably felt right out of place and whilst I bet no harm was meant, there are always going to be 'in jokes' that he can never be part of. And to be fair his making an effort with the secret sata stuff was probably to demonstrate to you that he wanted to get on with your extended network. But if he gor actively sulky it's realistic to be disappointed. And was he going to leave with you and went early or were you always going to leave separately? Anyway, probably best to think a little more about he might feel, and him to think a little bit more about how you feel.

It was always the plan to leave separately. He needed to get a train to see his family that afternoon and due to travel delays earliar in the week he had only got home from travel for work very late on Thurs night/Fri morn.

I think he probably had good intentions but was tired/stressed and didn't show his best side in what was an inevitably tough situation anyway. I'm inclined to leave it and see how he reacts to a suggestion to have dinner with the most local two in a few weeks.

I don't really have any surviving family so this group kind of fills that place for me in my life- it's not the same as I understand families wouldn't have the same bond with the exh. I think that's why I felt upset earliar.

This is all helpful though :)