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Original poster

Is it ok to stay for the children?

38 replies

Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 07:47

Just that really. I’m not desperately unhappy, there are some good moments but there are also a number of things about the relationship that I’m not happy with that he seems unwilling to acknowledge or change. It just seems that on balance the impact of a split on them would be far greater than my feelings.

I don’t really want to go into great detail but would be grateful to hear other’s thoughts/experiences.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 16/12/2018 07:48

Yes of course it is. Being a single parent can be so tough it’s not a choice I would make unless I’d explored all other options.

LizzieSiddal · 16/12/2018 07:54

Firstly it depends on what the issues are. If the issues are causing a lot arguments/sulking etc or a general atmosphere in the home, then I’d say no it isn’t worth staying together.
Also how is his behaviour affecting you? Are you miserable? Again if so, it isn’t worth staying as children don’t need a miserable mum.

Original poster
Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 07:55

That’s one of my thoughts. I have an older child from a previous relationship so have experience of being a single parent and trying to co-parent with someone you’re not in a relationship with. And it’s tough

OP posts:
ISdads · 16/12/2018 07:57

I just left. It was a hard decision. For me, the most motivating factor was what I would want for my own children as adults in the same situation. I would prefer they left and were happier, and would encourage them to do so. I particularly didn't want them to think my own marriage was a good model for them in future. How do you feel if you think of it that way?

NotScrewingUpNow · 16/12/2018 08:01

Only go if you can afford to.

I want to leave my bully but I'll have to wait until things are better financially.

Original poster
Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 08:01

I see your point. I’m not sure I would be much happier if I left though because despite everything I do love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 08:02

It’s not about money, the house is mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 08:02

Sorry you’re in a difficult situation Not

OP posts:
Toomanybaubles · 16/12/2018 08:04

I am in the middle of a divorce. I couldn’t stay for DC, and felt the same way as ISdads.

I would be living a half life had I stayed. Married to someone who didn’t care about me in the way a husband should care about a wife. Someone who would always put himself first. Emotional connection fairly dead.

The only thing I got out of it in the end was his financial contribution and someone home earlier than me for the dog and DC.

if I thought my DD was married to someone like that I would weep. If I thought she thought it was ok because she had seen me put up with it I would be devastated.

Justwaitingforaline · 16/12/2018 08:14

I left too. I stayed for a while but then woke up one day and realised that I was teaching my DD that if you were unhappy, you just had to lump it rather than go and find the happiness you deserve. In my mind, it’s much better to be apart and be friends than together and sad. I wouldn’t want that for my children.

Sometimes, love is not enough if it means you’re not living your full life.

We only get one shot at it, you may as well make it a good one!

HJWT · 16/12/2018 08:19

@Todayisanewday75 that all depends on the situation. My parents argued my entire life but my mum stayed 'for us' as a child I was glad my parents stayed together as an adult I see how damaging it was being around all the arguing, they would be screaming divorce and then the next morning kissing in the kitchen... it's not healthy for a child to see

Ratbagcatbag · 16/12/2018 08:23

I tried. I genuinely think though the nail in the coffin was me deciding to stay for our DD. Once I'd done that it really hit home that I wasn't happy and every little thing drove me mad, made me annoyed, showed how little he respected me. I lasted 10 more months on from that decision and a straw that broke the camels back moment ended it.
It's been tough, but two years on (still single and happy about it) I don't regret it

Original poster
Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 08:26

It’s very different to when I left DC1’s father. Then I was utterly miserable and knew for certain that I could never be happy until I got away from him. It just isn’t that clear cut this time.

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 16/12/2018 08:29

I think that by the time it gets to the point of actual separation/divorce, most women will have tried basically everything (including tolerating an intolerable situation) to "keep their family together". Almost no woman leaves the father of her children on a whim, or when she feels she has any other option.

Mostly these women should have bailed on the relationship way, way sooner. So if you are seriously considering separation then you are probably right to do so.

LizzieSiddal · 16/12/2018 08:34

I’m not sure I would be much happier if I left though because despite everything I do love him.

So leaving him won’t make you happier?
What would make you happier?

Grannyannex · 16/12/2018 08:36

I’m not sure what to do either. I love my husband. We are good friends. He is supportive. He’s a big part of the kids lives. But our sex life is zero and he’s quietly grumpy constantly.

Original poster
Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 08:57

It would make me happy if we could work through the problems in our relationship together.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/12/2018 09:05

But does he want to work through the problems in your relationship together?. He seems happy enough as he is but you?. No you are not and those feelings are valid. Also you cannot save what could well be a failing relationship here on your own.

I would read "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like yours is when they are adults?. No you would not. Its in all likelihood not good enough for you either.

In relation to the children, staying because of them is rarely if ever a good idea. It teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them. I have seen many examples from people on here stating that they had wished that their parents had separated far earlier than say at the point in time when that now 18 year old went to university. No-one who has written such things has ever thanked their parents for doing that and they are not going to say thank you to you either. They may well look at you and wonder why you put him before them.

Original poster
Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 09:08

The thing is my parents relationship was difficult at times when I was a child but they managed to work through it and after over 50 years of marriage are now very happy together.

OP posts:
ChodeofChodeHall · 16/12/2018 09:09

It's miserable being the child of unhappy parents.

I used to pray that mine would split up.

My brother and sister are both in similarly unhappy marriages now.

Original poster
Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 09:17

Attila I’ve just ordered that book

OP posts:
Justlikedevon · 16/12/2018 09:18

My mother stayed because of us. Do you know how shit you feel when you know your mum is desperately unhappy and it's effectively your fault?

Bitrustyandbusty · 16/12/2018 09:19

I also used to fantasise about my parents divorcing, about being adopted, to have an escape. Living with an atmosphere and constant fighting is more damaging than you realise. It trains the children to either behave badly, to put up with bad behaviours, or both. My parents stayed together, they now proudly wear their years of sticking it out as a badge of honour. Taking perverse pleasure in the constant nasty bickering, because it is so damn funny, obviously. No happy first marriage can be counted amongst their children. Several divorces. Utterly grim from a role modelling perspective.

Better to leave for the children’s sake, than to stay, in my opinion.

Original poster
Todayisanewday75 · 16/12/2018 09:20

But I’m not desperately unhappy. If I was I would leave without a second thought

OP posts:
IceRebel · 16/12/2018 09:22

It's miserable being the child of unhappy parents. I used to pray that mine would split up.

THIS Children are a lot more perceptive than you think. I knew how unhappy my parents were, and them staying together was crap. If you want to leave, leave. If you want to stay, stay. However don't think that staying is in the best interests of the children, they will eventually realise how unhappy you both are and will have to live with the atmosphere.