Is it ok to stay for the children?

[Todayisanewday75]

Just that really. I’m not desperately unhappy, there are some good moments but there are also a number of things about the relationship that I’m not happy with that he seems unwilling to acknowledge or change. It just seems that on balance the impact of a split on them would be far greater than my feelings.

I don’t really want to go into great detail but would be grateful to hear other’s thoughts/experiences.

Yes it is.
Emotionally, I'm sold down the river.
But i grew up poor, and I'm not having that for my child.
She's happy at school, just started secondary and she loves our area. Our house is lovely, warm, comfortable pretty, peaceful and close to her friends, local shops and school.
I live in a rough town, often slated on the news and our area is the only decent place. I have a job in town which i cycle to but live on a bus route so that's handy. I've got my car for any other journeys.
I cannot afford to rent alone, even in a grotty area studio flat (south east).
Benefits won't help me as I'm on the mortgage and my child is over 5.
We'd live somewhere unsafe or we'd have to relocate hours away to afford dwellings. No family support. Possibly no job. Unhappy, lonely, unsettled child. Cold flat, leaking flat, no money.
Seen it growing up. Not doing it again.
Partner is not horrid but emotionally detached and ignores dd alot.
Which upsets me and i hate it.
But she needs stability and comfort and so do I.

Its a decision that could well come back to haunt you one day Kemer. You write that emotionally you are sold down the river, you want the self same for your DD?.

What of you and this man when your child leaves home, will you stay with him then?. I would also think your DD knows far more than you care to realise and also she would rather see you happier if somewhat poorer materially. Material things and other such comforts are but froth and do not make up for a lack of emotional happiness within her home.

My parents stayed together, they now proudly wear their years of sticking it out as a badge of honour

I was talking to a friend who related years of misery and one instance of violence from her partner. But the she said "but here we are, still together. I suppose there's something to having made it through all that and still being married" as it that was a good thing.

She thought that sticking it out and staying married was an achievement in itself, whereas to me it just seems like a terrible waste of a brilliant, sparky, clever, kind woman.

Putting it another way. I don't know anyone whose parents stayed together "for the kids" who was happy about the situation, mostly they were down right miserable.

However, I know several people whose parents have split and the children have never resented the decision. Some even comment on how much happier their parents are now, or how they're pleased their parents were able to find new partners.

,HJWT my parents were the same, always arguing, my mum would wind my dad up then he would start shouting. I have issues with confrontation with people and get anxious when I hear other people shouting, I'm sure it's because of my childhood.

I wouldn't still be with dp if it wasn't for the kids. I actually forsee us going on to be happier than we are now (and we're not unhappy), but it wouldn't have been/be worth the effort if it hadn't been for them.

What would your husband say if he knew how you felt? Have you told him it's bad enough you are considering leaving?

I left my ex husband 4 years ago because he was emotionally abusive and social services were on the brink of being involved. I had a horrid about 18 months where my elder daughter was anxious, sad and blamed me for the split and the younger played up horrifically for attention. We are ok now but it's been tough and I can't see myself with another man any time soon.

I was sure I was right to leave and I still doubted myself on the bad nights. If you are not sure, I would at least talk openly with your husband about how you feel, if you haven't already. Is his behaviour a deal breaker?

It really depends on the situation.

Any kind of abuse, definitely leave.
Desperately unhappy, arguing all the time over everything, can't stand the sight of each other, obviously both miserable - just seperate, regardless of finances, living this way is so not worth it, and very damaging to children.

Fallen out of love, not really feeling like a couple anymore but generally getting along ok, somewhat on the same page with parenting, but it's all a bit boring, passionless and feels like you're just trudging along/being taken for granted? I can see how this is a grey area. On the one hand you don't want to be unhappy but on the other the upheaval of a separation may just be more stressful. Also, relationships have their peaks and troughs,sometimes these rough patches that seem insurmountable happen, but actually they can be overcome, not always though. Maybe a good idea to have a discussion where you try to evaluate the issues, how you both really feel about everything, what you would like for the future. If two people really want to stay together then they can work through issues but they both have to want to, and put the effort in. I wouldn't advocate staying in a situation where anyone is actively miserable and struggling. It's difficult. Only you can really know the extent of it and what's going to benefit your family.

I have told him exactly how I feel, several times and for a long time. He says he wants to put the effort in to make things better but then nothing happens.

What are you going to do if he carries on ignoring you OP?

Having been there, and had the chat several times I realised that H was never going to change, that he would continue to ignore my needs (and I am not particularly needy), that I would feel increasingly lonely and unfulfilled in my marriage.

Ultimately I decided I was better off on my own and I will be, I just need him to actually leave the marital home, he is delaying for one thing after another. I have let it go on because of the face that it is Christmas and DC are involved.

I stayed for the children, or more accurately so that we could both have the pleasure of living with our children and neither of us would have to parent alone. Things have often been bad between us, but we both always know each of us wants the best for the DCs and really only he can feel how I do about them.

Youngest is 18 and I will end it in January. There are pros and cons to having stayed. I wouldn't judge anyone else for leaving, and I don't hold my kids responsible for my decision - it was a selfish choice in many ways. It has allowed me to have a nice time raising them without poverty. I accept that they may resent me for it, or may resent me leaving now. My mum stayed and I used to beg her to leave my dad, but ultimately I felt she did the right thing for me.

Thanks for all the replies.

The thing is our DC are still quite young (9 and 6) and I know it would tear their worlds apart if we split. So I guess I stay but be acutely aware of any negative impact my decision might have on them and reassess if necessary. If either of them ever asked me to leave him it certainly would not fall on deaf ears.

Actually it probably would not tear their world completely asunder todayisanewday75. If you are eventually going to split up, surely it is better for all concerned for this to happen whilst the children are still relatively young rather than older and more aware of what is really going on within their home.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Could a loveless marriage become their norm too?. They are not daft and your kids have likely picked up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here. They are also not the arbiters of your relationship with your man here, you are. Your man is unlikely to change, he has simply told you what you want to hear from him to keep you with him. You stay for your own (perhaps selfish based) reasons, its not for or because of the children here.

All credit to you purpleface for being honest in your writings.