Left after DV now wobbling about going back

[Elliebellybum]

So, left after a big fight in front of the young children that ended up with me being hurt.
DH can be EA and very controlling and has been for years with occasional flashes of pushing/shoving etc.

It’s not worked out well since I left, we can’t get anywhere to rent because I’m a SAHM and it’s been a hard slog this last month.

He hasn’t helped, I will be honest, he hasn’t yet given a penny to me for anything or tried to make it easier, he’s always going to but then just doesn’t.

I’ve seen a solicitor and know if I divorce I should be ok (although he has already given an asset of his to a family member so would need to reverse that) but I don’t feel ready for a divorce, I really don’t.

I saw him this weekend when he was seeing the kids, at the moment I won’t have them at the old house or overnight with him because of what happened so the solicitor said make them available and be in the vicinity.

Last night he just got to me. He’s very frightened, he says this has put the fear of god in him, he wants me back, he’s promising the earth and says if it happens again he will leave. He wants to do counselling, arrange babysitters so we can actually go out, we will move it will be different etc etc.

And I’m wobbling. I wasn’t happy for ages before this, but for lots of the reasons he’s promising to change.

At the moment I feel like I’m 45 with three fairly young (youngest is 3) children, I’ve no particular career prospect, no real pension (he doesn’t either) and I’m unlikely to meet someone else.
It feels like I’m making a massive point really, but wil it seeem worth it in 10 years when the kids are older and I’m sat home alone?

I had cancer two years ago and the fear of that returning and facing it alone is a big issue to me as well.

On the flip side, he has done nothing to help yet, promises of money don’t quite materialise and he’s kept things that I really could use (kids furniture etc) and I’ve had to arrange someone else to buy a cheap car for me to “borrow” as he owned (and removed) our family carwhich he’s now offered to return, but as he still owns it it seems a risk that he could take it away again.

I don’t feel ready to divorce, the last few weeks have been so horrific and he will be such a nightmare in a divorce that I can’t face it yet. Like I said he’s already attempted to hide one large asset.

The kids really seem pleased to see him after everything, so I feel like I’m wrecking the family now.

So many people have helped me since I left that I feel like I’m letting them all down if I go back. I feel torn in about 6 different directions.

Do I go back, try again and leave if the promises don’t materialise? Do I stay left even though I am doubting my decision?
What do I do??

Do not go back under any circumstances. you can do this by yourself. You are not responsible for breaking the family apart - his shitty behaviour is

No I’m sorry but you don’t go back. What he did cannot he fixed, ever. Your children saw DV, I could cry for them. I know it hard right now but you will find your groove and life will be good again. You just have to be brave and keep putting your feet in front of each other for a while.

If SS knew your children had seen DV and knew that you were going back to that man they would take your children from you. That’s how bad what happened was, just for perspective.

If you go back it will get worse as he will need to punish you.

If it happens again he will leave? Come on, if he felt at all for you and the kids he would already have left, this is a lie. And - he is expecting it to happen again.

Also, I saw a solicitor who was quite dismissive of the whole DV thing especially the aspects I felt were coercive behaviour and I sort of felt she was suggesting it didn’t matter. She also made me feel lazy describing me as unemployed when I’ve been having and raising children, had cancer and all the treatment that went with it and I did have a very small business that lost all its customers when I was ill!

DH was arrested but not charged I might add.

Now it’s all calmed down I just think “am I trying to make some massive point?”

Also SS were involved.

And they dropped us. There were lots of promises of assistance but basically they decided there was no risk and left us.

Always look a persons actions not word. He is saying he wants to change but he has not done anything to make things easier for you and the children. In fact his actions are to deliberately make it more difficult for you and his children.

This bit is harsh but it needs to be said. If you fail to protect your children from DV then SS will remove them. Do you want your children in care?

Make sure you contact domestic violence charity to get help and support for you ans the children.

Nope don't go back. It will happen again, emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.

You are not wrecking your family, he has done that through his actions. You are not to blame for his decisions.

Its hard, really hard to leave an abusive relationship, but you've done it, you've got out. And that on itself is a massive achievement.

You're going to wobble, its inevitable however you need to put your safety first. Have you saught advice regarding benefits and stuff?

Call women's aid and talk it through.

It does not matter one bit if he's frightened. He's not too frightened to divest himself of his assets.
He is being confronted with the consequences of his actions. If you move back in he can go back to nice comfy denial and take it all out on you.

I was a sahm. It felt horrible at first being on my own but I got used to it and I volunteered at a charity and at the local school, did my ECDL and 3 years later I got a job.
I think I needed that 3 years to get my head around everything anyway.

Can the local council not help with housing?

If you go back it will get worse as he will need to punish you.

^^
This.

OP, this man hates you. You need to get your head around that, pronto.

Council won’t help. I declared myself homeless but there were no refuges that could take us.

We are in somewhere temporarily, which is fine while I look for somewhere proper to rent, it’s just the housing issue has defeated me, I have money, I can pay up front, I have guarantors but something about the whole thing with me not working and having three kids seems to put them off and I’ve been turned down for everything.

That’s broken my spirit somewhat I must be honest.

It sounds like your reasons to go back are mostly related with anxiety and being afraid of the unknown.
There is no change in his actions and in fact he has actively tried to harm you financially. I can see no reason for going back.
Yes divorce is unpleasant but so is going back. At least with divories you'll be free after a while. Look into restarting your business. Your wait is only giving him time to get organised and make it harder for you.
I understand your fear but having divorced myself I now know I would much rather be on my own than with someone who treats me badly. It's a terrible example of family life for the children.
Good luck.

He wrecked the family, not you. He doesn’t love you. You get nothing out of the marriage. There is nothing to gain from going back.

And of course he’s ‘terrified’. Terrified of having to give you money and to watch you have freedom and be happy in life.

Please don’t go back. You deserve better. You children deserve a happy childhood. You will mess them up if you go back and they have to watch that fucker abuse you.

Phone Women’s Aid. Get some good advice and just keep going.

OP, this man hates you. You need to get your head around that, pronto.

^

Why do you think that? I’m not being arsey, I’m just wondering why? He seemed quite broken when I saw him.

If you are serious about trying again, then lay down your rules and insist he delivers before you even consider going back.
Counseling, great then he arranges and books it and you do a minimum number before you consider returning.
Pay to support his children, great,talk once money is in the bank.
Transport, sign the car over to you so he can’t claim it back again.
Remember it is not recommended that you do counseling together when there has been abuse.

You will have deep regrets if you go back. Currently your reason for going back is because life will be hard if you don't. Do you think it will be easy if you are back there? You would only be postponing the inevitable and exposing your children to more of his damaging behaviour.

You can do this. Speak to Women's Aid. There may be local support for you. If you are stressed and depressed see your GP. Tell your friends and family you need their help.

It is important to think about do you want your children growing up with your relationship as their normal.
I don’t think you should go back to him.

ellie he will seem broken as now that you’ve left he has lost some of his control over you.In his own mind he may well think that he loves you. It a normal person does not behave in the way he has towards you and you and the children deserve better

When I saw him he was quite pushy almost trying to railroad me into us being back together, he felt the fact I had met and chatted meant we were trying again.

He said he would see us ok in a divorce as long as I agreed to 50/50 care, which is insane, I’ve been the SAHP and he’s had very, very little to do with them and even the solicitor said he didn’t stand a chance!

He's promising to make all these changes while at the same time continuing to be controlling and manipulative - not letting you use the car, not giving you any money, hiding assets... change is shown in behaviour not words. He clearly has not changed at all has he? You know this otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned these issues. In your heart you know it but the nature of abusive relationships is that despite knowing it, you doubt yourself. That's not a reflection on you it's a reflection of what this relationship has done to you.

You are not breaking the family up. He is breaking the family up with his behaviour. You left because of his behaviour. The option of going back so your children can continue to watch their mum be badly treated and possibly physically assaulted is really no option at all. If you have boys you're signalling that it's ok to treat women like shit. If you have girls you're signally it's ok for them to be treated like shit. I'm sorry the slicitior was dismissive but they are just a person, they're not the font of all knowledge and they obviously just don't understand.

The deep animal part of your brain is terrified because essentially it's thinking that being with your husband hasn't killed you and you know what you're getting if you go back. Staying away is the great unknown and instinctively I think we shy away from that because there is a deep seated fear it could be worse. But you simply can't risk further DV either for you or the kids.

Also I'm a former child protection social worker. SS closed it now but they will look again when there is a further instance of DV. And each episode will stack up and evidence of increased risk. It's not the case that they investigate once then leave you alone forever.

I completely understand that this is hard for you, but you are already part of the way through now. If you go back to him you will have to start all over again the next time he - inevitably - behaves like a selfish, aggressive dick.

In response to your last post, every single man who does this says they are sorry and appears remorseful. If you go back you would be showing him his behaviour is actually ok and he can get away with it.

Do you really think people change so much? He won't. It will get worse. Take advice from people who have some experience of this.

Abusers rarely change and I am saying this as someone who relatively recently escaped an abusive relationship - it was difficult to go and stay gone but I just kept running through all the bad times in my head to remind myself of why I left.Abusers are rarely nasty all the time - they can also appear to be lovely people at the same time or no one would ever be with them

OP you are in denial and listening to his fairytales.
Reality:
^^big fight in front of the young children that ended up with me being hurt.

^^DH can be EA and very controlling and has been for years with occasional flashes of pushing/shoving etc

He's given you no money

He's kept things you could use for the children

He's hidden assets

What exactly has he done to convince you he'll change other than words?

He's sorry his prey is not in his sights and thus he has to change tactics, work harder or find a new one.

If he had any remorse he would move out and let you and his children back into their house.

He is just wondering what level of remorse he has to show to entice you back.

Call his bluff and say 'if you are so sorry, then move out now and let the me and the kids have our house back, being that I left due to your violence'.