Left after DV now wobbling about going back

[Elliebellybum]

So, left after a big fight in front of the young children that ended up with me being hurt.
DH can be EA and very controlling and has been for years with occasional flashes of pushing/shoving etc.

It’s not worked out well since I left, we can’t get anywhere to rent because I’m a SAHM and it’s been a hard slog this last month.

He hasn’t helped, I will be honest, he hasn’t yet given a penny to me for anything or tried to make it easier, he’s always going to but then just doesn’t.

I’ve seen a solicitor and know if I divorce I should be ok (although he has already given an asset of his to a family member so would need to reverse that) but I don’t feel ready for a divorce, I really don’t.

I saw him this weekend when he was seeing the kids, at the moment I won’t have them at the old house or overnight with him because of what happened so the solicitor said make them available and be in the vicinity.

Last night he just got to me. He’s very frightened, he says this has put the fear of god in him, he wants me back, he’s promising the earth and says if it happens again he will leave. He wants to do counselling, arrange babysitters so we can actually go out, we will move it will be different etc etc.

And I’m wobbling. I wasn’t happy for ages before this, but for lots of the reasons he’s promising to change.

At the moment I feel like I’m 45 with three fairly young (youngest is 3) children, I’ve no particular career prospect, no real pension (he doesn’t either) and I’m unlikely to meet someone else.
It feels like I’m making a massive point really, but wil it seeem worth it in 10 years when the kids are older and I’m sat home alone?

I had cancer two years ago and the fear of that returning and facing it alone is a big issue to me as well.

On the flip side, he has done nothing to help yet, promises of money don’t quite materialise and he’s kept things that I really could use (kids furniture etc) and I’ve had to arrange someone else to buy a cheap car for me to “borrow” as he owned (and removed) our family carwhich he’s now offered to return, but as he still owns it it seems a risk that he could take it away again.

I don’t feel ready to divorce, the last few weeks have been so horrific and he will be such a nightmare in a divorce that I can’t face it yet. Like I said he’s already attempted to hide one large asset.

The kids really seem pleased to see him after everything, so I feel like I’m wrecking the family now.

So many people have helped me since I left that I feel like I’m letting them all down if I go back. I feel torn in about 6 different directions.

Do I go back, try again and leave if the promises don’t materialise? Do I stay left even though I am doubting my decision?
What do I do??

Re legal advice I would see out another solicitor to talk to and divorce this individual asap. You need someone also who is well versed in the ways of abusive and manipulative men. He will continue to mess with your head and attempt to hide assets; this is precisely what these abusive men do. Its all textbook. Its actions you want to look at, not mere words and those are cheap. He is manipulating you again and telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Do not go back to him under any circumstances; your kids as well as you have been through the wringer with him enough already. You do not need to be so badly accompanied any longer.

Such men too hate women, all of them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did your father treat your mother similarly?.

If you have not already done so, contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. They can help you.

I’m not in denial! I’m well aware of what went on and how hard I have fought this last month not to back

I’m just wobbling, understandably I think.

The kids (all girls) say they don’t want to go back but then they are so fucking happy when they see him and I think the only person stopping us being back is me!

The reason we aren’t back is because there is a bit of me that knows it’s not right and I’m listening hard to that bit.

But Jesus it’s hard, I told the kids we would have a permanent home for Xmas, we don’t, their toys and things are mostly in storage, their pet is still at the old place because I can’t get a rental as it is, never mind with a pet!

I’ve got some money, but too much for legal aid so god only knows how I will afford it and he will not be easy to divorce.

I had exactly this at approximately this time away. In my case however, he was facing going down for 6 months minimum and I took him back! We then skipped the country, the day before his court date.
Of course, it was great for a while, but the abuse continued. He was brilliant to me whenever I was unwell. I actually think he was happy when I was in hospital! That's where he really came into his own! He was getting all the sympathy for being so supportive. Lol, I can look back now and laugh, but that's how it was.

You're 45, I'm not too much younger than you.

Yes, the kids still love him, doesn't mean they want to still live with him though.

Yes, it's all so fucking fucked up in your head and it just seems like the most logical thing to do would be to just go back?

I did that. I also had my family supporting me getting me away from him. That added an extra layer of complication to my life. I couldn't mention him. I couldn't bring him to family. He fucking hated me for that and my family. So the beatings just got worse and worse.

I know you can't see down the line.
Can you try to see down the line of being single? You're free. No beatings. You get yourself a job again and start to live again. You're young, you'll find real love no doubt. Get your ass into a gym, Pilates is lovely. You have the kids in common and nothing else. Can you see a light there if you try to imagine you there?

Words are cheap. Of course he's promising to change. But surely, if he had really seen the light, he would be showing you how nice he can be rather than holding up a bright future but withholding in the present? I notice he's offered to give the car back, but only after you've proved you can manage without it. Look at the dark pattern behind the fancy light show. He needs you to need him, otherwise he can't control you. If he will only help if you give in, that's not love - it's control, again.

He already knows how to make you happy. He could have decided to be nice at any time, if that's the sort of man he was. He is not that sort of man and he won't turn into one. Very soon after you're back in the box you'll be back to Square One, only it'll be harder to get out the second time, not least because you'll feel you let the helpers down so they won't want to help you again. It may or may not be true but your guilt will convince you they won't, so you won't ask.

Naturally the children are pleased to see him. They're programmed to love their parents and no doubt you've soaked up the worst of his temper (so far) so they haven't experienced the worst. But they did see him assault you. As their father he is also their chief role model. Do you want them to either grow up like him or accept that kind of treatment from others? For their sake do not go back! They can see him for outings etc when he will be on his best behaviour - same as you're seeing right now. He can be nice in short bursts. Possibly even in long stretches. But with sustained contact like living under the same roof, sooner or later the abuser will come out because that is who he really is.

Re falling ill with no-one to help: the thought of being at the mercy of a (even moderately) violent "carer" when ill and helpless would frankly terrify me. These people who helped you get out of the relationship, would some of them not also be able to step up and either help you or arrange for care?

Life is tough right now because you're not used to being on your own. It will take time to sort out everything you need to be independent. But it can be done. Crawling back into the box is just asking for more of the same you just escaped from, with added contempt from him as you couldn't make it stick. Keep looking forward, not back. Forward ten years to being on your own because your children have left home (if they do) - or forward ten years to cowering beside your own hearth with no-one to protect you because the man who is supposed to be your protector is also the abuser? I beg you to choose freedom.

He won’t move out. I’ve asked numerous times for him to do that so I can catch my breath and reassess but he won’t go.

I have basically travelled around with the kids until we found a holiday barn that’s expensive but clean, warm and furnished. We can stay here for a few months while I address a house.

I need to change my tax credits claim, do a single one and get income support until youngest is at school in 9 months while I try to start my business again. I’ve too much money for HB but that won’t stay that way for long the rate I’m shelling out!

If you go back it will get worse, he WILL punish you and ensure its even harder to leave next time. Your girls will grow up thinking this is how relationships are and when you do finally leave you will be broken. Then one day yrs down the rd you will be happy again and meet someone (if thats what you want) and you will be so angry at yourself for wasting the years you stuck by him knowing you could have left when you were. 45. Maybe you can't finish it now- thats what they do to you but don't go back over some relatively small but surmountable issues. This is just a bump in the rd not a road block. Dont be me, it took me 15 yrs to get away again. Good luck its hard but take it one hr at a time.

They are probably happy to see him because he is their dad and they also want their dad's approval as well. He probably is Disney Dad with them also. Note too that they do not want to go back; they have also seen and heard far more than you perhaps care to realise.

They are not the arbiters of your relationship; you are. Your children need to be shown going forward that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Would you want your daughter's to be in a relationship with a man like your current H; no you would not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?.

You can and should divorce him although he will not make the process at all easy for you. He will also continue to remain obstructive and truculent post divorce as well when he messes you around further re money. Work with the likes of the Rights of Women organisation to find a Solicitor who is well versed in the ways of coercively controlling men.

You have been abused and controlled by this man for years op. You have hung in there constantly hoping he will change. He hasn't and won't and is still treating you like shit, despite promising to change.

You have been really, really brave and have done a very good thing for you and your children.

Re:your kids being happy to see him, try to remember that children who have been abused often show happiness and love towards that parent because they are scared and are appeasing them to keep themselves safe.

I really understand the feeling of 'what if it wasn't as bad as I have made out' - remember you will be looking for validation to reassure yourself you have done the right thing. You have, 100%.

I saw DV as a child. I spent my childhood wishing SS would come and take me away. I grew up in a big house, lots of material stuff etc and I would have swapped it all for safety.

You can do this, it will get better.

He has shown you how little he thinks of you and the children by not supporting you at this time of separation. It sounds as if he believes by keeping you broke you'll waiver, think you have no option and return.
I can promise you he wont change unless to up the behaviour to punish you for leaving but your call

It took me 7 years to get away.

The kids (all girls) say they don’t want to go back but then they are so fucking happy when they see him and I think the only person stopping us being back is me!

At the end of the day he is their dad.

They won't show signs of being unhappy, as they have witnessed you getting thumped for displeasing him.

You are doing the best and right thing for your children by leaving him; of course they’re happy to see him but that doesn’t mean that they will be happy if you get back together and it certainly doesn’t mean that they will be happy when they see further violence which will happen if you get back together.
He is showing you that he hasnt changed by not giving you money, the car and furniture. He’s using those things to try and push you/pressure you to get back together with him.

You can go back OP. Absolutely you can.

Something my friend on FB posted really resonated with me in its raw truth. English isn't her first language.

It was this.

Sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same thing.

I loved it. In its simplicity.

Op, children are hardwired to love their parents, however abusive or loving they are. That is why your girls are pleased to see their dad.

I come from a home with domestic violence, both my df and my step father were violent. Im not saying that your dc will definitely experience life the way I did, but if you stay with this abusive, violent bully they may very well have similar emotional problems. I love my df but it doesn't mean I'm OK with what he did or that the good times made the bad times not matter. My siblings and I have all self-harmed as troubled teenagers, my DB and I made multiple suicide attempts, and as adults we have had extensive therapy and we're all on anti-depressants. It has helped that my df has acknowledged and apologised for his behaviour but the damage was done decades before that happened. We no longer see my stepfather whose emotional abuse was far more damaging than my dfs physical abuse. He was lovely a lot of the time and horrendously bullying at others. Again, the good bits did not 'make up' for the bad.

The fact that your h was 'persuading' you to make up just demonstrates that he doesn't respect your boundaries at all. It's just another form if bulldozing you into doing what he wants, whether it's with fear or charm.

Your children don’t want to live with him. You don’t want to live with him. There is no reason to go back.

You CAN get through this. You will look back and be so proud of yourself that you stayed strong and made the best choice for yourself and your children. You are already doing it

He’s a controlling abusive fucker and is shitting himself that he’s losing his grip on you. You know the nastiness that he is capable of so leaving him is not going to be plain-sailing. But it will be so worth it.

I'm not going to add anything much and I think some responses are rather patronising to you as a clearly intelligent and sensible woman. However, I would say that his total intransigence in helping you and his children despite your distressing situation speaks volumes for his fundamental attitude. He does not respect you, he wishes to control you. I would not re-enter a relationship with a man that sees you the way, nor should you let your children feel it's OK. You seem resourceful and have help. It will work out.

What did your solicitor say about an occupation order?

If your DH was that bothered about you going back, he wouldn't be hiding assets, pushing you into it, refusing to move out, refusing to give your children their belongings, refusing to give you money. .. but by doing all of those things he is trying very hard to punish you for leaving and making you feel that you ought to go back. He's not changed at all. Perhaps he'd be more careful next time - ramp up the coercive emotional abuse but not hit you so hard - that's all he's learnt from this.

Solicitor said that I had no chance for an Occupation order as it wasn’t enough violence.
She said we would end up living together with him having conditions.

I didn’t really want an Occupation order anyway. He’s not the sort who would just move out leaving the house in a lovable condition

Also, from the questions your solicitor was asking, it sounds to me like she was trying to establish whether there was a criminal case to be brought against him.

I wouldn't rule her out entirely.
I did the whole trying to bring a case for coercive control with the police and they asked me every uncomfortable question you could think of. They felt I had enough to bring a case, but the CPS said there needed to be documented dates/times/incidents rather than airy fairy 'he's a cunt'.

Ask your solicitor why she was asking those questions.
She's also going to be looking at it how a judge will see it in a court.
So the things she asked, or stated, such as unemployed etc., will be how HIS lawyer will put them forth.

She needs to know what she's dealing with.

I would say no don't go back. He sounds like my STBXH and that's not good, he will get you where he wants you, then will change to the man he has always been. Mine walked out thank god, I say that, because now a year later, I can see how much better off I am, and so much happier! We stayed in the family home, I have 2 childen, but your H seems to think by putting you in that housing problem, he has you where he wants you. You have to get someone good that's knows what they are talking about, to get you what you need, find them, a good solicitor. It might seem really hard now, but what if it doesn't work out, you will find yourself right back where you are now, and wishing you had stuck to your guns.

Btw, it wasn't me who suggested it, it was the police who suggested it. I was questioned for hours or gave a statement for hours, whatever way they refer to it. It's a difficult one to bring to trial. Even to get the CPS to charge. And I imagine I'd have been torn apart at trial.

Your solicitor might well be a good'un. Just ask her why she's referring to you as unemployed. Etc.

Ask her also how many cases has she taken in the family court.
You're allowed to ask her you know.

It's absolutely understandable that you're having a wobble because the future is uncertain and hard and in many ways it would be easier to go back.

But, your daughters actually said they don't want to live with him. You all deserve a life free of control and abuse. No-one should be scared and hurt by someone who is supposed to love them.

As for your solicitor, coercive control is new in terms of legislation and I think a lot of police and solicitors still don't really understand it. Unless you've experienced or witnessed it, it is hard to get your head around maybe so please don't take their dismissal as any sort of confirmation that you're overreacting or imagining it. You're not!

Your husband is making a lot of promises and says he wants you all back but as a PP said, look at his actions.

Of course he looked broken, you've stood up to him shone a light on his appalling behaviour. He faces losing everything but that's on him and his actions.

A decent partner and father who really wanted the best for his family would move out of the house and let his kids stay in their own home.

If not, at the very least, he would be making sure you're ok financially and have what you need from the house, would not have taken the car and would not be disposing of
assets.

He's a control freak and he's trying to punish you. Maybe he thinks the harder he makes all this the more likely you are to give in and return home. He's right, that's exactly what you're thinking

His words are hollow.

You’re doing so well OP. This is the hardest time, when you’ve been brave enough to leave but nothing is yet sorted and your Ex is offering all sorts of promises.

Like others have said, look at his actions. If he was really remorseful he’d be doing whatever he could to make life easier for you and the kids at the moment giving you the car, the house, getting himself to counselling etc. He looks broken because the control is broken and he’s had consequences to his actions.

It’s hard breaking up. You lose the good bits as well as all the bad bits but think ahead to a year from now and life can be so much further on. The fact your kids don’t want to go back is also important.

Can you get a bit more real life support? Have you spoken with women’s aid and your local domestic violence charity?

Would question a solicitor that referred to you as unemployed. It sounds as though they are de valuing your contributions