Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship- am I being unreasonable?

48 replies

Heidi3333 · 15/12/2018 20:01

Hi guys

Just looking for some opinions as I am not sure if I am being unreasonable.

I'm a single mum (donor conceived) and have Been single for years. Earlier on this year a guy from my past got in touch via Facebook and we starting dating for a few months but finished after he said he wasn't ready for a relationship (his last one ended v badly). There was no contact for a while recently we got back in contact and have been dating again for the last few weeks. He's 45, I'm 43.

2 things really bother me about him but I'm not sure if they should!:

1 - he v rarely compliments me, even when I make a big effort with my appearance. However, he often comments how hot his exes were or how fit ssomeone is on the TV. It
Makes me feel insecure and wondering if he fancies me, Ali though he said of course he did when I asked him, he says he's just not big on giving compliments.

2 - this bothers me the most! We meet up about once or twice a week and in between dates he doesn't contact me - no texts, calls, anything. Even if it's 5 or more dates
Since we last saw each other. He says he doesn't like texting but he's certainly capable of doing it as he's arranged dates with me in the past over text. I wonder if I went off on holiday for 2 weeks if I'd even hear from him.

I haven't properly told him how I feel about these things as it's early days really and I don't want to come across as needy but would these things bother anyone else? They are p1ssing me off so much I'm considering finishing things. I'm really out of practice with dating/relationships so not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Any opinions please?

Thanks x

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 15/12/2018 20:04

Doesn't sound like he wants a relationship with you. If he doesn't like texting then I would think he would call instead. If he doesn't call or text then he doesn't want to hear from you. That's ok for a little while whilst you're both open to dating other people, etc, but after that it's clear he just isn't that into you. Sorry.

Snowwontbelong · 15/12/2018 20:05

Booty calls?

Fatted · 15/12/2018 20:07

He doesn't want a relationship, he wants casual sex. Accept it for what it is and finish it. You deserve better.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 15/12/2018 20:17

We are sleeping together - yet.

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 15/12/2018 20:18

He doesn't want a relationship he wants a FB

category12 · 15/12/2018 20:19

It's not needy to know what makes you feel happy and secure in a relationship.

KateGrey · 15/12/2018 20:19

Bin him! You’re deserve more than he’s offering.

lifebegins50 · 15/12/2018 20:27

Why did last relationship end badly?

I think the first issue is a big deal, Ex made subtle comments that I realise where aimed at undermining my confidence. They made me feel uncomfortable at the time but hard for me to complain as appeared too sensitive but years later I could see he did it to others and itis deliberate.

If he doesn't contact you then he isn't thinking of you..I doubt it will get better.

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/12/2018 20:27

Definitely end it....His actions arent in line with someone who wants to be in a relationship.

You deserve someone consistent, who communicates and makes you feel good as a MINIMUM

Focus on you and your little one....The right man will come, but it isn't this guy xx

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 15/12/2018 20:57

iCloud- he was with his ex for 9 years and they had 2 kids but she left him for someone else. My friend is close to his ex and said that he was controlling and abusive towards her. I dismissed it at first but now I think there may be some truth in it. I've never been with a man who doesn't say nice things to me 😦

Last time we met was a week ago. We went to the cinema and instead of going back to his for a bit afterwards he drove me straight home and didn't make arrangements to see me again like he usually does. I didn't hear from him for days so texted him and asked if he wanted to meet up again. He said yes and we are meeting tomorrow. I don't like asking men out but I figured that he asked me the previous 8 times so perhaps I should make a move but
I just get a really bad feeling.

When we met up again after our period of no contact he originally said he was happy being single and liked it and didn't want to have to worry about texting someone! However after a few times meeting up he said he wanted to start dating/seeing me again and I was happy to go along with it. Looks like he's reverting back to his earlier feelings which is what happened last time we dated.

Thanks for all the comments.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 15/12/2018 20:59

End it. One thing I've noticed with friends/daughter's friends and their boyfriends is that when a man doesn't pay compliments they are often trying to bring you down a peg or two.

Look at this man's actions - he's not good for you.

toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2018 21:02

I dated someone just like him. No compliments, ever, despite men stopping and glaring at me. He had no problem looking at other women in my presence. He also didn't like to stay in touch between dates. Guess what? He turned out to be emotionally abusive - he wore me down after a while. Whenever I tried to walk, he said he'd try and improve and make things work between us - you know, said the things he needed to say to keep me. But things never improved and went back to how it was. Get out while you can, before the damage worsens. Please look after yourself Flowers

Unicornandbows · 15/12/2018 21:09

I don't think he's that into you and not giving you compliments is trying to bring you down.

End and find someone normal

beachcomber243 · 15/12/2018 21:14

He doesn't sound immensely interested but you are available. Not a good basis for a loving relationship, which you want. He is emotionally distant, and probably won't ever change that aspect of his personality.

Your instincts are right. So don't ask him out again. People who don't communicate are not going to make you happy, and non communication does not make for a good relationship. Sounds like a non starter.

toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2018 21:15

And never, ever dismiss what you hear from others, particularly other women. There is usually no smoke without fire! Plenty of abusive men out there - it's endemic in our society.

KatKit16 · 15/12/2018 21:25

He's just not that into you. Sorry.
Next......

toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2018 21:26

KatKit16 Doubt he'll ever be into anyone but himself.

It's not personal, OP.

AdaColeman · 15/12/2018 21:31

He's just keeping you on the back burner, for when he is a bit bored or at a loose end.

He has set you up to have low expectations of the relationship and to put up with his off hand behaviour by telling you that he wasn't ready for a relationship, and tugging at your heart strings with his story about being dumped so that you would make excuses for his poor half hearted attitude.
If you were to call him out on his failures, he would tell you that you already knew he didn't want a relationship, so any weakness in the relationship would of course be your own fault, not his.

When they tell you who they are you must listen to them!
He does sound manipulative, and he's certainly into bashing your self esteem.

Dump him ASAP, you don't need to give him any excuses or explanations.
The early days of a relationship should be golden and hope filled, these are grey and depressing, and it won't get any better.

MadgeMak · 15/12/2018 21:32

Rarely paying you compliments on its own is not necessarily a red flag. My husband isn't a big compliment giver but that's just his personality as he's not particularly romantic or demonstrative in how he shows he loves for me, and neither am I actually so that's ok and works for us. On this point I would say it's an issue of incompatibility. The commenting on other women isn't acceptable though, my husband would never do that, and if you don't like it then it's a perfectly good reason to not continue the relationship.

As for the not texting he's either just not that into you or could also just be his personality, many couples don't have constant interaction when apart and make it work. But it's not working for you, incompatibility again.

MadgeMak · 15/12/2018 21:35

Sorry hit send too soon. To sum up, he's either not that into you or you're just not compatible as romantic partners. I wouldn't continue with the relationship.

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 21:37

I just get a really bad feeling.

Why are you ignoring your own instincts and the friend telling you he was abusive and controlling to his ex?

What will it take for you to stay well away from him?

TemptressofWaikiki · 15/12/2018 21:44

It’s not just about him not complimenting OP though, he makes comments about how hot and good-looking other women are to OP. To me that is a massive red-flag because this is a typical tool to undermine the confidence of women used by abusive and controlling men. The lack of niceties and contact in between is another form of control. He’s training her to hang around and wait for him to deign to get in touch. OP, I’d stop making the effort to initiate any contact and do not get in touch. A man who is into you and wants to be with you, will make the effort even if they don’t like texting or chatting on the phone. Raise your standards.

HoleyMoleyGuacamole · 15/12/2018 21:51

I think you should be a little passive and not contact him again unless he contacts you. You’ll know either way within a week whether he’s interested properly

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 15/12/2018 22:25

Toffeeapple - that's v interesting to hear your story.

I agree with the replies. He's either showing early signs of abusive behaviour or it's just his way, in which case we are not compatible. Relationships should be fun and exciting at the start, not like this.

It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable. I wasn't sure if I was just being fussy!

He's coming over tomorrow night and I won't be contacting him again after that.

OP posts:
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/12/2018 22:34

Yeah I think your instincts are worth listening to here, especially if you have it on good authority he was abusive to his ex.

Even if not, I think the comments about other women are boorish and it is simple good manners to compliment someone's appearance when they have made an effort for a date. You deserve better Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread