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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship- am I being unreasonable?

48 replies

Heidi3333 · 15/12/2018 20:01

Hi guys

Just looking for some opinions as I am not sure if I am being unreasonable.

I'm a single mum (donor conceived) and have Been single for years. Earlier on this year a guy from my past got in touch via Facebook and we starting dating for a few months but finished after he said he wasn't ready for a relationship (his last one ended v badly). There was no contact for a while recently we got back in contact and have been dating again for the last few weeks. He's 45, I'm 43.

2 things really bother me about him but I'm not sure if they should!:

1 - he v rarely compliments me, even when I make a big effort with my appearance. However, he often comments how hot his exes were or how fit ssomeone is on the TV. It
Makes me feel insecure and wondering if he fancies me, Ali though he said of course he did when I asked him, he says he's just not big on giving compliments.

2 - this bothers me the most! We meet up about once or twice a week and in between dates he doesn't contact me - no texts, calls, anything. Even if it's 5 or more dates
Since we last saw each other. He says he doesn't like texting but he's certainly capable of doing it as he's arranged dates with me in the past over text. I wonder if I went off on holiday for 2 weeks if I'd even hear from him.

I haven't properly told him how I feel about these things as it's early days really and I don't want to come across as needy but would these things bother anyone else? They are p1ssing me off so much I'm considering finishing things. I'm really out of practice with dating/relationships so not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Any opinions please?

Thanks x

OP posts:

Baileyswithice1 · 15/12/2018 22:48

It would bother me. I used to see a guy who, for the first couple of months of the relationship, kept going on about “how many women fancied him” he did it one night just after we had sex and it completely put me off. I just found it so disrespectful. So after I left his the next day I cut contact with him, didn’t even bother to tell him why.

Usually guys who are full of this bravado are actually very insecure and use going out with a good looking woman or compliments from women as some sort of validation.

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 22:51

I think you should be a little passive

Terrible advice. Glad you're dumping him. Find someone who doesn't play games.

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 22:52

He's coming over tomorrow night and I won't be contacting him again after that.

Why have him over?! Just text him it's over. Remember this is someone who was abusive to his ex.

toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2018 22:54

I'd tell him you're not feeling well tomorrow and pluck up the courage to end it once and for all. I suspect you're feeling attached though. I went through the same. Good luck

HollowTalk · 15/12/2018 23:03

Why on earth are you letting him come over tomorrow night?

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 15/12/2018 23:08

I guess I want to see how things go. We only got back together 3 weeks ago so I want to give things a chance, otherwise I know I'll always be wondering if I was too hasty finishing things.

OP posts:

toffeeapple123 · 15/12/2018 23:13

Heidi3333That's what I told myself for nearly a year - keep trying etc - and couldn't see all the flashing warning signs. You'll see it eventually OP. Best of luck

HollowTalk · 15/12/2018 23:15

You know there are red flags. Don't be daft. If you want to see him for a shag do that, but don't think of continuing this.

Dirtybadger · 15/12/2018 23:16

What can he do tomorrow that's going to change your mind? It's not going to just be tomorrow if you're "giving him a chance".

Run a fucking mile from a bloke a friend says has reason to believe was formerly abusive!!

Nothing he could do on one more date is going to prove things in either direction. So you're going to have to keep things going or end them....you aren't going to get a definitive answer unless you're happy to wait until he actually becomes abusive (if he does)...

sunsetheaven · 15/12/2018 23:24

He’s already emotionally abusive. Not complimenting OP but commenting on other women in her presence is emotional abuse. It’s already started. And it will continue.

AutumnGrace · 15/12/2018 23:33

Don't ignore your gut feeling! And honestly, don't waste your time tomo night. Cancel on him, you might even then see some more true colours!

crappyday2018 · 16/12/2018 00:42

I would cancel the next date and then leave it. See if he then contacts you. He doesn't sound that interested I;m sorry to say. You deserve better.

jessstan2 · 16/12/2018 00:57

He is being very cautious. That in itself is no bad thing especially if he's been hurt. It's a good idea to take it slow but it is disrespectful to you for him to talk about ex's as hot. He shouldn't talk about them at all except innocuous stuff. You could tell him that makes you feel uncomfortable, he probably doesn't realise.

Date other men. He's not the only fish in the sea.

JWrecks · 16/12/2018 00:57

What can he do tomorrow that's going to change your mind?

This! I am genuinely curious if you think there is anything he really could do to change your mind about him at this point, and if so, what?

If I were you, I'd just send him a very simple text like

"sorry, i can't do tomorrow. something's come up"

and just leave it right there! Please, don't needlessly put yourself through another night of him!

ImNotKitten · 16/12/2018 01:11

Sounds like your instincts have served you well, it’s good you’ve spotted the red flags early on.

Is it right that someone has warned you he was abusive? That alone would be reason to end things for me.

If you don’t want to cancel the next date then definitely don’t initiate contact afterwards. If he’s really interested he’ll get in touch.

OrigamiZoo · 16/12/2018 01:28

Do you get excited to see him, does he give you butterflies?
Do you feel overall having him in your life benefits your life?
Does he make you feel good about yourself?
Do you feel happy and excited about the future?

Any nos and you have to think again.

mum11970 · 16/12/2018 08:30

Don’t know. What are you like with him? Do you compliment him, do you text him regularly? Relationships work both ways, it’s not just his job to compliment and chase you.

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 16/12/2018 11:21

Good point 11970. I do compliment him regularly but I don't text him between dates unless it's to organise meeting up again. I guess I prefer the man to do most of the chasing.

OP posts:

toffeeapple123 · 16/12/2018 11:36

Please stop complimenting him. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 16/12/2018 15:58

Well he cancelled on me for tonight saying he had his kids for longer than he would normally and that he'd visit sometime next week. I'm not sure if he's being genuine or not but not bothered. I've been thinking of an excuse not to see him all day!

I suspect he'll do the slow fade now which suits me fine.

OP posts:

Chloe84 · 17/12/2018 09:46

Good! I'm glad you're not bothered. I wouldn't contact him again.

Might be worth doing the Freedom programme so you can spot signs of abuse in any future partners.

Trinity66 · 17/12/2018 10:01

I agree with most of the other posters, the things you've said while not the worst things I've ever read are a bit unusual especially at the very beginning of a relationship, your gut is telling you to pay attention, I would listen

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 17/12/2018 11:08

Thank you.

I AM a bit bothered but I'm going to let this relationship slip. He's went cold on me once before and looks like he going to do it again. That, and all the other things that bother me, mean he's not the right guy.

OP posts:

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