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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH said he wants to reset our relationship

32 replies

Helpmepleasenow48 · 15/12/2018 18:31

my DH has a history of drinking issues - which I’ve sought support from on MN in fact. Basically we’ve been together 12 years and have two DC. His drinking got better and he was teetotal for nearly a year. He tends to binge over a couple of days (normally a weekend) and then not drink for months on end. He has sought counselling and recently attended a self esteem course. He has a good job and I kind he loves me but... fast forward to this week. His dad died after a long illness and DH went down to help his mum but ended up drinking today - when he got home. Okay I understand how he must be feeling terrible but I’ve realised that though I love him I’m not being the best wife. I had no sympathy for him when he started drinking today. He’s now asleep after I gave him food. He’s put on loads of weight the last few years and smokes and has a horrible cough. It was our wedding anniversary and I didn’t get him a present - it was his birthday and I didn’t get him anything special. His parents have given us a lump sum of money to buy a house and my mum is telling me I’m risking him not wanting to buy a home with me. I’m not worried about that but this comment came just after my husband told me (he had been drinking) this afternoon that he wanted to reset our relationship. My mum thinks I need to be more affectionate to him or I risk my children’s security as we are currently renting. I’m all over the place and I don’t know what to do or why I’m posting here

OP posts:

Needsomebottle · 15/12/2018 18:41

I think first and foremost - do you want to be with him, do you want a future together?

Sorry things are so tough right now

Original poster

Helpmepleasenow48 · 15/12/2018 18:42

I do yes.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 15/12/2018 20:05

You haven't really said what your husband means by wanting to reset your relationship. And how you feel about whatever it is.

Unicornandbows · 15/12/2018 20:08

Op do you want to be with him or just for the house he can buy?

Do you actually love him?

Not trying to be offensive in asking this x

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 20:27

Can you explain more about his drinking?
It reads here that he drinks for a weekend and then doesn't drink for months. In my experience lots of people do that. I assume there is more to it.

I am just trying to work out if the drinking is creating the distance or if you just don't love him anymore.

I just can't imagine not havi g sympathy for anyone dealing with the aftermath of losing a parent

Needsomebottle · 15/12/2018 20:50

If you love him and you want to be with him then, sorry if this sounds harsh - I don't mean it to but the written word is easily misinterpreted, it sounds like you do need to make more of an effort.

If the drinking is as you say, a binge every couple of months, whilst not the healthiest thing to do, it also isn't the worst if he isn't touching it at all in between.

Do you feel sympathy but struggle to show it? Is he the sort of person who wants and needs affection? Is that how your relationship used to be? When did it start fading if so - were there triggers that created that distance and can you address them?

I'm not sure I understand what he means by reset the relationship, I'm interpreting it to mean he wants to try and recapture how you were early on, which sounds like it might be a good move and could help you both find a way back to each other.

Not expecting you to answer all of the above on here, it's just my thoughts on what you've written as to things I'd suggest you consider.

Heyjudas · 15/12/2018 21:17

Well you don't sound very compassionate or loving. So I can see why he wants to try to rekindle the romance maybe.

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 21:24

For the sake of the kids, I'd buy the house so you're entitled to half when you split.

Can't be doing with propping up an alcoholic for life.

DorothyLNaySayers · 15/12/2018 21:29

His Dad has just died and you have no sympathy for him? Cold.

Oblomov18 · 15/12/2018 21:42

Drinking every few months? Not THAT bad.
Parent dying. You didn't bother to get him a birthday present or anniversary present?

You sound cold and uncaring.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2018 21:44

Well you sound a right charmer, I'd reset the relationship right into the bin,

Why are you so lacking in any form of compassion for him?

Wordthe · 15/12/2018 21:46

I'm wondering if you have checked out of the relationship OP?

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 21:47

But did he get OP birthday and anniversary presents?

I would be tired of an alcoholic after 11 years too.

I suspect OP not only cooks for him but does everything in the house and with the kids. We need more detail from OP.

Heyjudas · 15/12/2018 21:50

The man has a blow-out every couple of months. He hardly has a drinking problem.
Some people are arseholes when it comes to someone drinking. Seeing issues where there are none.

You don't sound like a nice partner to be with. I'm guessing you don't love him anymore. You say you do, but actions speak louder than words.

Heyjudas · 15/12/2018 21:51

What on earth makes you think he's an alcoholic? He'd be laughed out of an AA meeting!

Wordthe · 15/12/2018 21:54

He's overweight he smokes and he drinks
not going to last long is he

ButteryParsnips · 15/12/2018 21:56

This 'reset the relationship' comment needs exploring before you can get anywhere. That could mean make it better or dismantle it and start over on a new footing. Didn't you ask him what he meant?

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 22:04

What on earth makes you think he's an alcoholic?

The clue is in 'my DH has a history of drinking issues'.

Heyjudas · 15/12/2018 22:08

Yes, but then she goes on to list the drinking 'issues' i.e. that he has a session once in a blue moon.

subspace · 15/12/2018 22:13

An alcoholic having a drink (/binge) every now and again IS a big deal, and no, he wouldn't get laughed out of AA.

We do need more info to understand you, op. X

KateAdiesEarrings · 15/12/2018 22:17

If you see his drinking as a major source of problems in the relationship then it's understandable that his drinking triggered/rekindled negative feelings in you.
Missing his birthday and your anniversary are signs that you aren't happy. You actually need to decide if you want to be in this relationship or not. A reset is probably a good idea tbh. It sounds as though you committed to stay, your DH attended his self-esteem course but you didn't access support or counselling to work out what you really wanted. You need to do that now but you don't need to tell him about it tbh he needs support after the loss of a parent (not to be wondering if you're going to leave).

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 22:22

Yes, but then she goes on to list the drinking 'issues' i.e. that he has a session once in a blue moon.

That was only after his drinking 'got better' after 11 years and he was teetotal for a year. Sounds like he's slipping back into alcoholism. As subspace says, it is a big deal. Nuance.

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 23:12

It totally depends. I have seen people on here think people have a drink problem for having a glass or two at weekends, means their partners have a problem.

That's why op has to clarify

Maelstrop · 16/12/2018 00:04

You appear to feel contempt for him. I don't blame you, my dm is alcohol reliant and I have fuck all respect for this. Do you really want to be with him? It sounds like you don't like him at all.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/12/2018 06:44

What on earth makes you think he's an alcoholic? He'd be laughed out of an AA meeting!

No, he absolutely wouldn't. Sounds like he had a severe alcohol problem which he has improved but with set backs.

There's a difference between choosing to push the boat out and being compelled to drink excessively by an addiction.

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