DH said he wants to reset our relationship

[Helpmepleasenow48]

my DH has a history of drinking issues - which I’ve sought support from on MN in fact. Basically we’ve been together 12 years and have two DC. His drinking got better and he was teetotal for nearly a year. He tends to binge over a couple of days (normally a weekend) and then not drink for months on end. He has sought counselling and recently attended a self esteem course. He has a good job and I kind he loves me but... fast forward to this week. His dad died after a long illness and DH went down to help his mum but ended up drinking today - when he got home. Okay I understand how he must be feeling terrible but I’ve realised that though I love him I’m not being the best wife. I had no sympathy for him when he started drinking today. He’s now asleep after I gave him food. He’s put on loads of weight the last few years and smokes and has a horrible cough. It was our wedding anniversary and I didn’t get him a present - it was his birthday and I didn’t get him anything special. His parents have given us a lump sum of money to buy a house and my mum is telling me I’m risking him not wanting to buy a home with me. I’m not worried about that but this comment came just after my husband told me (he had been drinking) this afternoon that he wanted to reset our relationship. My mum thinks I need to be more affectionate to him or I risk my children’s security as we are currently renting. I’m all over the place and I don’t know what to do or why I’m posting here

You think you should show him affection because your kids’ welfare could depend on it?

Do you love him?

His dad died after a long illness

and DH went down to help his mum but ended up drinking today

• when he got home. Okay I understand how he must be feeling terrible

Do you really? I'm not sure you do. 'Terrible' is almost minimising. Try devastated or distraught.

I’ve realised that though I love him I’m not being the best wife.

As they say.. no shit Sherlock.

I had no sympathy for him when he started drinking today

Has his weight gain put you off him?

If you were him...would you buy a house with you?... because I wouldn't as it stands.

Cut him some slack...he's lost his dad.

Okay - back in the land of the living after a few hellish days trying to be the best mum to my DC and feeling like I'm failing. DH has consumed about 4 bottles of vodka and 10 of beer since Saturday. He's been sleeping it off in the spare room. I've made sure he's eaten when possible. He's now getting the train back to his mum's to help her. Although I think he may carry on drinking. He used to drink a lot more, but he took drugs and he says the drinking replaces the craving for drugs (coke ). He's not had coke for 13 years. Before we had the DC he did drink a lot more. He basically went teetotal 90 per cent of the time when our first was born 10 years ago . however he got drunk when CC1 was born and again about once every few months until DC2. Just before she was born I was on mums net crying for advice because he got drunk and went missing. However that was 6 years ago. Since DC2 was born he's got a better job, and sought counselling and help. But every few months he was bingeing - then a year ago he got really fulfilling job and enjoys it a lot. I reckon this has helped. He is very needy, and needy of me. He is a good dad, he does a lot of the cooking (not so much of the cleaning) and I would say very hands on. He's more of a fun parents than I am. I do feel I've become the adult (always waiting for his next binge) in fact I've gone off sex but not because I don't fancy him. I do have the DC in bed with me (we do still have sex just not every single week - but most weeks at least once) I've made myself go through the motions because I love him. But I've had to shut down because otherwsie I would spend every waking minute worrying about him and not getting on with my life. I have a lovely well paid job I do from home - I'm applying for a masters degree. My children are wonderful, well behaved and kind souls who make me laugh and cry every day... I want my husband to look after himself. When I asked him about the reset thing he did say he wanted more affection...

not so much of the cleaning comment is meant as a joke..

OP, among the various issues raised by your post, I notice that your DH has had problems with not only alcohol, but drugs, cigarettes and food.
I wonder if all these varied addictions are his way of trying to self medicate an underlying undiagnosed and untreated depression?
I think he needs his mental health assessed by a doctor, and perhaps antidepressant medication could be the answer to stopping all of his addictive behaviour.
I can quite see that you must be weary of dealing with his issues over the years, and numbing your feelings and losing some affection for him are probably your own coping mechanisms.
Perhaps you could both benefit from talking it all over with a counsellor, once your DH has got back on the wagon and accessed some treatment for himself?
I hope the situation improves for both of you, OP.

That's so not true and dangerous misinformation, you are welcome at an AA meeting even if you only get drunk occasionally, it's the inability to stop after one.

Babdoc he has seen the GP a few times and been given Prozac but it didn't make him feel any better (or worse - he says). He went on a self esteem course last year. The only other thing is that I wonder if he's not being honest with our GP - because they never seem to treat his problems seriously. I know there is only so much. Once we've got over the funeral and Christmas I'm going to see what we can do,