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Original poster

Just put my partner out - AIBU

52 replies

Baileyswithice1 · 15/12/2018 07:15

I’m absolutely sick to the back teeth of my “partner”

We’ve been together for 3 years and are expecting our 1st child in March (unplanned pregnancy) I have 2 DC from a previous relationship.

He literally does fuck all in the way of household chores/cooking/helping out with the kids....etc. He finishes work, goes to the gym, comes home, eats food that I’ve cooked then lays about watching TV all night. I also work full time btw. All childcare, picking the kids up from school/after school, is arranged and done by me. He’s forever leaving shit lying at his arse, he can’t even complete simple tasks like turn the light off after he’s been to the toilet, put the toilet seat down after him, put a coat hanger back in the wardrobe after he’s taken out a shirt of jacket, instead of putting his toothbrush back in the holder after he’s used it he leaves it lying in the sink, he leaves empty juice cans lying about everywhere, and the same with dirty hanky’s....I’m constantly finding them lying on the sofa, bedside cabinets, floor.... it’s unbelievable.

Last week I even decorated ours and the kids bedrooms and he didn’t even lift a paint brush to help - I literally done the whole lot (including moving furniture about) myself.

Anyway, I didn’t realise he was this bad until he moved into mine a few months ago. We have countless arguments about it but nothing seems to change.

He was at a works dinner last night which started at 6pm and he’s literally just stoated in the door absolutely pissed. I woke up a couple of hours ago and he wasn’t home yet so I text him a with a simple “are you ok?” I was a bit worried that he’d got too drunk, couldn’t get a taxi and decided to walk hom in the freezing cold (we live in Scotland so it’s Baltic here!) But the message didn’t deliver as his phone was off - apparently it ran out of battery.

When he came in he could barely string two words together and mumbled some crap about being at the casino with guys from his work. I’ve honestly reached the end of my tether with him and told him to leave. He’s went to his mums (she only lives around the corner from me)

I’m honestly at the stage now where I just can’t be arsed with this relationship anymore. I know I’ll be less stressed and I’ll be fine bringing up the 3 kids on my own.

Am I being unreasonable for putting him out? We have a trip booked to Sweden next week for a few days before Christmas and the kids are really looking forward to it, I don’t want to put it in jeopardy but I really don’t think I can handle the stress of being in a relationship with this man any longer. We’re both 37 years old and I can’t be arsed with it at this age. He’s the biggest man child I’ve ever came across in my life.

The way I see it - if he wants to behave like single guy then he can be one.

OP posts:
Thespace · 15/12/2018 07:18

Completely agree with you. Too stressful and irritating and disrespectful to you.

What was he like living on his own?

Surfskatefamily · 15/12/2018 07:22

Im really sorry to hear it. Mine is almost this bad...i can get him to help but its a fight every time and im tired
Iv lost hope that you can change a man. I got a little bit of change getting his mother involved. Its not something id normally do but we get on very well and i was really struggling when my baby was very small. I asked her to please have a serious conversation with him otherwise im worried we will be divorced in the near future.
It really depends on your relationship with his family and how he would take that. But i find with a lot of men their mother is able to have input especially when their grandchildrens wellbeing (happy family home) depends on it

Original poster
Baileyswithice1 · 15/12/2018 07:23

@Thespace

I also think he has zero respect for me. Anytime I went to his, before he moved in, the place was always tidy...he’d cook or order us in a takeaway. I realise now this was probably all for show. With regards to nights out, I couldn’t comment on the times he was getting home at, as I wasn’t there to see.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 15/12/2018 07:25

Definitely done the right thing.

Just go on the trip without him, the kids will still have a great time.

And well done for having strong boundaries and being willing to live them

Surfskatefamily · 15/12/2018 07:26

With the going out thing if you set realistic "rules' together do you think hed follow?
For example we've agreed on 1 night a week of hubby goes out all night and i leave him be in the morning. Other than that its just the odd beer here and there as he has husband n daddy duties.

Original poster
Baileyswithice1 · 15/12/2018 07:28

@Surfskatefamily

I get on well with his mum and sister. I think his mum may have a word with him when he wakes up at hers later. She came around to mine last week while I was decorating and he was lying on the couch watching TV. She looked mortified and asked him what he was doing, he couldn’t really answer so she just turned to me and said to watch myself and if I needed any help to let her know. I think she was quite embarrassed by his behaviour so didn’t stay long!

The trouble is though, he just doesn’t listen - it’s in one ear and out the other. I genuinely think he has zero respect for females in general, even his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baileyswithice1 · 15/12/2018 07:36

I really don’t know if he’d stick to realistic “rules” for nights out. I just think staying out till almost 7am (when you’ve been out from 6pm the previous night) with your phone off and you’re apparently in a casino gambling, when you have a pregnant partner at home it shows a complete lack of respect.

Yea, have nights out but come home at a reasonable time. He’s 37, not 21!

Also, I don’t want my 2 daughters growing up around that and thinking that’s an ok way for their future partner to behave.

I really don’t think I can change him and I can’t be eased trying to.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 15/12/2018 07:39

I don’t understand the level of entitlement of some people (and I’ve known women like your DP). I’m a bloke and there isn’t anything I don’t do on the domestic side. I wfh so it’s just easier for me to do it around work commitments.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy some of the chores but then who does? Picking bits of waste food out of the kitchen sink plughole or cleaning up one of the kids’ skid marks in the loo isn’t ever going to be fun, but I’d not dream of sitting back and leaving those, or any other, jobs to my DP.

eliolip · 15/12/2018 07:44

he sounds like a toddler. Well done for having boundaries and sticking to your guns, it sounds like you've managed well so far by yourself so you'll be able to in the future.

Has he only been like this since you became pregnant?

Original poster
Baileyswithice1 · 15/12/2018 07:52

He works from home a few days a week also. But I still have to come home and do all the cooking/cleaning/washings/ironing/packed lunches.

His laziness combined with the complete lack of respect he has for me - plus the fact he can’t even come home after a night out at a reasonable time - is just a person I don’t want to be in a relationship with.

He may think his behaviour is reasonable but I don’t so we’re clearly not right for each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baileyswithice1 · 15/12/2018 07:55

@eliolip

I’ve noticed how bad he’s been in the last few months, I’m 5 and a half months pregnant. As I said - with regards to nights out I’m not sure on what he was getting up to or what time he was getting home at before as he wasn’t living at mine then so would always go back to his own place after a night out.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 15/12/2018 07:56

You’ve done the right thing. Go to Sweden without him, you’ll all have a great time and it’s not like you need his help!

thebear1 · 15/12/2018 07:59

I think you are right to leave him. It's hard to stay in love with someone selfish, resentment just builds up until you end up hating them.

category12 · 15/12/2018 08:01

Can you not just go on the holiday without him? I would.

Partners are supposed to bring something to the table, not just extra drudgery.

MsJolly · 15/12/2018 08:02

You’re so right to ditch him!

costacoffeecup · 15/12/2018 08:05

You're completely right, crack on. He sounds horrendous to live with and totally useless. Good luck with the new baby.

Did you mean to write 'stoated in the door' btw or is it a typo? Because if not I'm definitely stealing the expression for when my DP stoats in the door after his Xmas party next week.

Musti · 15/12/2018 08:07

Two of my exes were like this. Absolutely hands on until I had children and went on maternity leave. Then they just went to work and that's it. So it's not like you can tell what they're going to be like.

Creates a massive resentment.

tissuesosoft · 15/12/2018 08:07

Also, I don’t want my 2 daughters growing up around that and thinking that’s an ok way for their future partner to behave.
And it’s teaching them a norm of how to be treated by a partner. You did the right thing sending him to his mums. Let him stay there

MessyBun247 · 15/12/2018 08:08

Good for you OP. Strong boundaries and showing your kids not to accept shit. A relationship is supposed to be loving and respectful. He just sounds like he wants a maid/mummy rather than a partnership.

Original poster
Baileyswithice1 · 15/12/2018 08:09

@costacoffeecup

Thanks.

Lol, nope not a typo! I think this maybe a Scottish expression though?

Hopefully your DP stoats in the door at a reasonable time and not 7 in the morning unable to string a sentence together 😂

OP posts:
wierdwords · 15/12/2018 08:11

Stoating is def Scottish. Also 'she's a stoater'.

RyderWhiteSwan · 15/12/2018 08:11

Maybe he thinks you do the drudge work for your DC so doing it for one more person won't make much difference Hmm

Well done for being strong and packing him off. At least it was months, not years. Sounds like you have an ally in his mum, which is great for support now and in the future with Bump.

GaraMedouar · 15/12/2018 08:12

I had a lazy cocklodger live with me for 7 years. Didn't contribute financially most of the time, and was lazy too. Was like having another middle aged child. I kept hoping he'd change. Eventually i lost all respect for him, no more love, and suggested he either contribute financially ( I was only asking for£100 a week, which included all food and bills) or go. He chose to go. We have a DD together, and he gives no maintenance for her.

I don't think your partner will change. If he does you'll have an uphill battle all the time which will be really frustrating.

Original poster
Baileyswithice1 · 15/12/2018 08:16

Yes his mum is lovely. So is his sister and I get on well with both.

My 2 DD’s don’t see their own father (his choice) but my family are also quite supportive so I know if I did need some help or wanted the odd night out that wouldn’t be an issue with having the kids.

I know when he sobers up I’ll get the “you’re completely over-reacting and the I was only at the casino with friends” chat but I’m honestly at the stage I’m passed caring.

OP posts:
Fairylightfurore · 15/12/2018 08:17

Draw a line. Tell him him moving in isn't working out and that you need a man not another child. Have Christmas apart and if he sees the error of his ways and you are minded to, start from scratch, dating etc and see how he goes. He needs to grow up, the question is will he?

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