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Original poster

Friends partner messaging me.

34 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 14/12/2018 22:56

I've known friend for about 12 years . A few yrs ago she split with long term partner. She has a new partner of about 18 months. I've not seen her properly for a few years but we've recently started meeting regularly. Her partner sounded great. She seemed so happy. She's a really lovely person. I felt inspired that not all men are arseholes (split with my husband a year ago and all I seem to see or hear is bad news from friends also seperating)
He added me on Facebook. And has sent a few messages. Nothing bad, but I get a wrong feeling about it. He's over friendly, I'd not met him at this stage. Kisses at the end etc. I didn't really engage. Polite and distant, one response then nothing. He's done it a few times and now I find out he has form for it. She has her suspicions that he's up to something , (not rated to me but has other details of messaging others, disappearing , switching find my friends off his phone)

So she's vonfided this on me in a hurry as we saw each other briefly. Would you tell her about the messages? There is nothing in them at all, but if already mentioned it to someone else as it was making me uncomfortable (not anyone that knows her)

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 14/12/2018 23:00

Personally I would show her the messages. She already has her suspicions that he's a wrong 'un. He sounds dodgy AF from what you've said here (has form etc;)

crappyday2018 · 14/12/2018 23:01

If it was my friend then yes, I would. Show her the messages and let her decide for herself if she thinks there is anything in it. She's already suspicious anyway so he's clearly up to no good.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 14/12/2018 23:02

My post sounds a bit vague I know. I'm so disappointed and upset for her. I'm worried Shel see the messages and think "so what?" As there's nothing incriminating, but I am sure if I responded in a certain way he would swiftly change his tone.

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 14/12/2018 23:06

If you don't want to show her, simply block him.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 14/12/2018 23:25

I think I will show her, then she can make her own mind up along with the other things that are concerning her. I don't think she'll be upset with me

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 14/12/2018 23:28

Show her and let her message him "as you" if you're happy for her to. She can't go too OTT in case it's a misunderstanding and she ends up staying with him and she then has a friend he wrongly believes fancies him, though....

SuperSuperSuper · 14/12/2018 23:28

I think it's quite unusual for a heterosexual man to add kissses to messages. I think he's fishing. I'd tell her OP, difficult as that is.

crappyday2018 · 14/12/2018 23:29

If she is a good friend then she won't be upset with you. Why would she?

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 14/12/2018 23:37

Because there's nothing to incriminate him in the messages, so I don't want her to think I'm causing trouble. I'm sure she won't as she seems to have her head screwed on , but some people don't want to hear it I guess.

I thought the kisses were odd too.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 14/12/2018 23:41

I absolutely wouldn’t here.

There is nothing incriminating.

I would not reply to the messages . If there is something going on elsewhere it will come out eventually.

Then be there for her.

Youmatter · 14/12/2018 23:59

I’d show her the messages. Tell her you felt weird about it and didn’t know how to approach it.. because that’s the truth.

Be her friend and do what you’d like her to do for you.. the truth.

trojanpony · 15/12/2018 00:03

I’d show her the messages. Tell her you felt weird about it and didn’t know how to approach it.. because that’s the truth.

Be her friend and do what you’d like her to do for you.. the truth.

I’d do this too.

puddled2 · 15/12/2018 01:06

He added you on Facebook , you obviously accepted ..why ?

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 15/12/2018 07:22

I accepted his request as he's the partner of my friend and I'd heard all about how great he was. There wasn't any reason not to.

OP posts:
fannycraddock72 · 15/12/2018 07:40

I think you need to trust your gut instinct on this. That seems to be telling you that the kisses are a bit odd (I agree) and you feel a bit squiffy about it.

I personally would tell her and let her make her own mind up, you seem genuine and telling her upfront that you don’t want to cause any trouble etc sounds like a good way to approach the subject.

MsJolly · 15/12/2018 07:45

I

seven201 · 15/12/2018 08:44

Hmmmn tricky. I think if she brings it up again mention it. It's possible she might want to use you/your messages to test if he would try and cheat. It doesn't sound good if she's already suspicious

Monty27 · 15/12/2018 08:48

Your poor friend. Block him. After telling he's an asshole obviously Angry

Cobblersandhogwash · 15/12/2018 08:50

She'll shoot the messenger.

GoblinsAndGhouls · 15/12/2018 08:51

I'd tell her about the messages to you.
I'd say that I didn't think there was anything inappropriate with the content but the 'tone' was a bit odd to me.
That you hadn't thought anything more about it until she mentioned her own concerns.
You're more than happy to let her read the messages if she would like to do so.

And then it's her choice. I don't understand these threads where posters suggest infantilising other women by hiding things from them.

Just tell her your 'facts' and then give her the choice.

If it were me, I'd want to know and I think you will feel more comfortable about it too.

GoblinsAndGhouls · 15/12/2018 08:52

She'll shoot the messenger.

Do you know her then?

I mean, personally? Because I wouldn't shoot the messenger. Not if it came from someone I'd already expressed concerns to.

GobblersKnob · 15/12/2018 08:54

I think it's quite unusual for a heterosexual man to add kissses to messages.

Seriously? Not ime.

Just show her the messages. Let her decide. Don't play games.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 15/12/2018 09:02

How am I playing games? I'm concerned that he's quite happy to cheat on her, but it's really just a feeling on my part, that I wasn't going to act on until she expressed her concerns to me. But she's not sure, she just has an inkling he's up to something.

I have often read on MN that the friend will "shoot the messenger" as a pp said, and I really don't want that.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 15/12/2018 09:12

If you were the friend and your friend was the partner, what would you do?

Do that (which is probably sting him and show her, not that I'm biased)

rookiemere · 15/12/2018 09:33

i'd tell her. What if she checks his FB and you haven't mentioned it - i'd not be happy in that situation as friend.

Absolutely no to a sting operation. So much potential to go wrong. Show your friend then block him on FB