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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My wife is thinking of leaving me.... please help

47 replies

Donald2007 · 14/12/2018 14:26

I love my wife with all my heart, but she says she is unhappy and unfulfilled in our relationship and is considering divorce, although at the moment she wants to stay together for the sake of the children (8 and 6 yo) as these are her priority. I can feel my world falling apart and I really don’t know what to do. I am sure she is not having an affair as I trust her implicitly. I think she is amazing woman and am proud of all she does, she is a brilliant mum and has an amazing job (which I fully support and which has really taken off lately). I have tried to give her everything she wants both emotionally and financially over our 17 years together but I have obviously failed as this does not seem to be enough, and I can feel her putting distance between us. I have asked what she wants from the marriage, and what I can do to make her more fulfilled and happy but she says she does not know. She says she loves me, but I can not see how she could if she is considering divorce. I can feel my life slipping through my fingers and do not know what to do any advice would be amazing because I am really struggling.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2018 14:38

Would she agree to some joint counselling?
You need to understand what is going on here.
It could be an affair.
We all never ever believe that OUR OH would cheat.
But they do.

On a totally different note how do split things at home?
Chores?
Childcare?
Mental load, i.e. finances, kids clubs, parties, present buying, booking holidays, dentist, doctors, cars maintenance, insurance, DIY around the house, etc...?
Do you have an active sex life?
Do you have quality time alone together?
Does she have time for herself? A hobby or gym or anything like that?
Are finances OK? Is it all equal?
Does she have family and friends nearby?

Sorry for the Spanish inquisition just want to see if we can find where you might be going wrong (you may not be wrong at all)
On another note - women don't tend to have respect for a total walk over either.

LadyPasserine · 14/12/2018 14:39

Something in the way her job is 'taking off' has changed her mindset.

Fatted · 14/12/2018 14:42

If she is considering divorce, then she isn't really happy. You need to get to the bottom of what is going on if you both stand any chance of fixing this.

Like PP, have you suggested counseling?

There are a a million questions springing to mind, but one thing in your post I've picked up on is a recent change in career. Perhaps this has given her a change in perspective and she's realised there are other parts of her life she is unfulfilled with.

Swipetounlock · 14/12/2018 14:49

I actually think she is being unreasonable putting you in a limbo with talk of still loving you vs wanting to stay together just for the children because she is unhappy and unfulfilled. And yet being completely unable to suggest anything you can do to help. I don't like it, it's negative and not constructive. Maybe you should move out for a few weeks, that might make her mind up.

Elfinablender · 14/12/2018 14:50

I mean, you can't do anything, really, can you? You could suggest counseling but otherwise, how she feels is up to her and it's unlikely it is just a matter of fixing x,y and z, otherwise, she would have mentioned it to you.

The only thing you can control here is your actions. You need to think about whether you want to wait for her to decide when a divorce would be convenient to her or if another plan may be better and also, how you can make this split amicable for your children.

Original poster

Donald2007 · 14/12/2018 14:50

Dear hells bells
Thank you for your reply
I will ask again about counselling but she is not keen, but will definitely try.
My wife does most of the childcare, although I do a lot as well (although she does not appreciate how much) We do not get much quality time together, she always wants to watch telly when we are alone, I try to get her to go on date nights but she says she prefers to stay in. Our sex life was ok until she checked out a few weeks ago. I have told her I will do anything or change anything to make her happy, I know this sounds desperate but I am! In regards to finances they are fine, although not amazing, I earn more but also pay all the bills, mortgage, school fees etc. She probably has a bigger disposable income all said

OP posts:

Original poster

Donald2007 · 14/12/2018 14:54

Thank you averyone for your help, I would wait till the end of time for her, it is just the pain is horrible, I can’t help the sudden waves of tears that seem to appear. I guess I must just wait and see what she decides and hope she will give me another chance....

OP posts:

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/12/2018 14:58

Like someone has said, no-one wants to believe their husband/wife is capable of having an affair...I certainly didn't but that's exactly what he did, and I had the same speech as you just before I found out.

I really hope this isn't the case but women are capable too. Even the 'nice' ones.

WhyAmISoCold · 14/12/2018 15:05

I'm in your wife's position, although I haven't said I'm considering divorce, just thinking of splitting. Why does she need to tell you what to do? This is what pisses me off. Why can't men try and sort it themselves without having a woman tell them exactly what they need to do. If she is refusing date nights, it sounds like she checked out a while ago.

How old were you both when you got together?

I can tell you in my situation, hindsight tells me I settled down far too young and have changed in our 18 years together. DH hasn't and isn't proactive in the slightest and I am absolutely fed up and unhappy. If we didn't have DCs, the decision would be easy. I have fallen out of love with him. I don't hate him, I still feel some sort of affection for him but not in a romantic way at all. I can't bear to have him touch me. Our sex life is non existant. Tbh, he feels like you do, would do anything to fix it, except I told him a few ways I'm unhappy (which shouldn't have been news, I've said it enough times over the years), he let himself go completely whereas I like to look after myself, he made a real effort for a couple of months and now he seems to have decided he doesn't need to anymore as that was enough and has gone right back to old ways.

I haven't told him I don't live him as it will break his heart and I will feel awful to do that. But that is ultimately what it boils down to.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2018 15:06

I guess I must just wait and see what she decides and hope she will give me another chance...
REALLY!????
Why wait to see what SHE decides.
This is YOUR life too.
Don't wait around for scraps.
Take control back for yourself.
She won't know what the 'loss of you' feels like if you hang around waiting like a lost puppy dog.
It's not attractive - trust us on that!
Get an appointment with a solicitor and see what separation would look like.
You don't have to act on it but having an understanding may help.
You need to show her that you are taking what she is saying seriously.
Let her know which solicitors you will be seeing (and yes that is plural) so then she can decide who she want to see regarding separation.
I think when she realises that you are serious and see's what the future looks like without you, she may well back track. She might not. But don't be a doormat!

Sorry, but from your update, she's had her head turned!
Sounds like she has already checked out of your relationship.
It may just be emotional for now but who knows!?

whatsnewchoochoo · 14/12/2018 15:13

Please stand back and think about what you want too. Is she perfect? I suspect not. Please don't desperately try to please, that's not fair and is not sustainable.

She needs to figure out what's wrong and tell you. It's unfair to make you chase the answer out of her

Original poster

Donald2007 · 14/12/2018 15:14

Hells bells
You are right. Stopping a doormat!
She is going to her parents for a few days before Xmas, will see how she comes back. Then if not I think your advice is great, best to wait till after Xmas though

OP posts:

Original poster

Donald2007 · 14/12/2018 15:15

Ps
I am pretty 99% sure it is not an affair

OP posts:

2boysDad · 14/12/2018 15:16

"I have told her I will do anything or change anything to make her happy"

That's not a healthy way to think or behave, you need to STOP thinking like that. A marriage takes the active input of two people to work not one, if she's checked out, then that attitude won't help your marriage but it will make it much harder to move on. Also - to be blunt, I doubt acting like a wet lettuce is going to make you more attractive to your wife.

Second point. If everything was ok until a few weeks ago and then has gone wrong then logically "something" must have happened to have made the change.. I say "something" but the more usual explanation is "someone" You made a big point in your post of saying that you trust her implicitly. Sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself of that. I know that must sound brutal but you need to prepare yourself for the distinct likelihood that's she's invited a third party into your marriage...

Marylou2 · 14/12/2018 15:22

How old are you both OP? Is there a chance that she is feeling the physical and emotional effects of the menopause? It can start much earlier that most people think possible.

Swipetounlock · 14/12/2018 15:23

You could do a bit of snooping on phone and emails.

Trinity66 · 14/12/2018 15:24

It's pretty unfair of her to tell you she doesn't want to be married to you but she's staying for the kids. That's pretty cruel, if she doesn't want to try and work things out she should leave not leave you hanging in limbo.

Swipetounlock · 14/12/2018 15:31

Trinity I so agree about the limbo. It's so unfair, to the point of selfishness. If the roles were reversed, I can imagine the husband getting a roasting on here!

WhyAmISoCold · 14/12/2018 15:50

Fgs, I hate the affair thing getting trotted out at every opportunity. Sometimes we fall out of love. It isn't a crime. I am certainly not having an affair and I feel just like OPs wife. I would not appreciate my DH trying to snoop on my phone because I told him I'm unhappy therefore it must mean there is someone else and it has zero to do with dissatisfaction with him.

OP, I second the advice on not just being a puppy dog waiting for her. I told my DH I wasn't happy. His answer was he will do whatever it takes and he will wait for my decision. Respect has gone a little bit as he will actually just go along with it until I decide rather than having a bit of self respect and telling me that it clearly isn't working out. Once again, it has to be me to make the decisions.

Original poster

Donald2007 · 14/12/2018 15:58

Great thank you to everyone! Have gone back home and got her to agree to counselling if she still feels the same after Christmas. I would though never snoop in my wife’s phone or email, as I do not think it is right to do so. Even in the case of an affair I wouldn’t sink to that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Donald2007 · 14/12/2018 15:59

Sorry the last post was not meant to sound as rude as it might have done, I really have appreciated all your advice

OP posts:

Swipetounlock · 14/12/2018 16:00

LOL its' fine, I am just a nosey bugger anyway!

Trinity66 · 14/12/2018 16:04

I feel sorry for your DH. You sound really cruel

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2018 16:08

You don't have to sink to that OP.
She's told you, clear as day, she's unhappy and is considering divorce.
However, when you 'think' the other person might be having an affair but have nothing to go on but your gut instinct and you don't want to throw away 15 years with someone and disrupt your family, snooping is necessary as some of us need 'proof' before throwing in the towel.
It might not be right.
But often it's what we need to be able to walk away, knowing the truth.

WhyAmISoCold · 14/12/2018 16:11

trinity, yes of course. I'm really cruel. You know nothing about me or my life so do not judge me on a few words. Luckily the people in my life think better of me, given that they actually know me and what's going on in my life.

My advice is valid. If someone tells you they are unhappy to the point they may want to split, be proactive and do something about it, not just sit there waiting for someone else to tell you what to do.

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