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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My wife is thinking of leaving me.... please help

47 replies

Donald2007 · 14/12/2018 14:26

I love my wife with all my heart, but she says she is unhappy and unfulfilled in our relationship and is considering divorce, although at the moment she wants to stay together for the sake of the children (8 and 6 yo) as these are her priority. I can feel my world falling apart and I really don’t know what to do. I am sure she is not having an affair as I trust her implicitly. I think she is amazing woman and am proud of all she does, she is a brilliant mum and has an amazing job (which I fully support and which has really taken off lately). I have tried to give her everything she wants both emotionally and financially over our 17 years together but I have obviously failed as this does not seem to be enough, and I can feel her putting distance between us. I have asked what she wants from the marriage, and what I can do to make her more fulfilled and happy but she says she does not know. She says she loves me, but I can not see how she could if she is considering divorce. I can feel my life slipping through my fingers and do not know what to do any advice would be amazing because I am really struggling.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 14/12/2018 16:14

WhyAmISoCold The way you worded your post made you sound exactly like your username. You post something like that on a public forum of course people are going to judge, especially since you're telling it to a guy in the same situation as your husband and who's looking for some advice

Moononthehill28 · 14/12/2018 16:19

I agree with others that you need to take back control of your life and not sit around for your wife to decide if she wants you. Agree about seeing a Solicitor and counselling.
You sound like you have low self esteem. What can you do to make yourself feel good? If the counselling works for both of you, that’s great. If your wife decides not to go , go alone.
No woman wants a man who is hanging around desperate for approval. She needs to be clearer with you and treat you with more respect.

WhyAmISoCold · 14/12/2018 16:32

It's not for you to judge me trinity, this post isn't about me so stick to giving the OP advice. I'm autistic. Feelings and words aren't my strong point.

Swipetounlock · 14/12/2018 16:33

Moon I agree. If she is bored then being a doormat/waitykatie isn't going to liven things up.

Trinity66 · 14/12/2018 16:36

It's not for you to judge me trinity, this post isn't about me so stick to giving the OP advice. I'm autistic. Feelings and words aren't my strong point.

The only reason I said anything was because I thought it was quite a mean thing to say on a thread where the OP is clearly very upset about losing his wife

Silkie2 · 14/12/2018 16:37

I agree with hells bells and moonon the hill.
You sound a bit like a desperate people pleaser.
She seems to have got her business going and realised there's more to life than the humdrum. It suits her to keep you around to help run the home but doesn't want a proper relationship. I would definitely have a look at living separately if you can't resolve things. Time to toughen up. If you are kind and reasonable adults the children don't have to be traumatised.

Trinity66 · 14/12/2018 16:43

Harsh

SandyY2K · 14/12/2018 16:51

So what is stopping her filing for divorce.

Telling your spouse you aren't happy, but don't know how they can change things isn't helpful.

I suspect she's agreed to counselling as a tick box exercise. She's previously refused it, which gives the impression she isn't keen on fixing things.

Always remember that he who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power.

Saying you aren't happy and staying put is even worse than expecting your spouse who was happy to take action.

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/12/2018 16:51

I don’t think it’s always an affair but the last 13 months has opened my eyes to how often it is. Marriages don’t often just go wrong for no reason and often people will “plod along” unless someone else makes them think there is something, or someone better out there for them.

StormTreader · 14/12/2018 17:08

You say you help financially and emotionally - how much are you helping physically?
How much housework do you do compared to what she does? Cleaning, clothes washing and ironing? How much food shopping, prep, and cleanup? How much do you do of the childrens morning and evening routines in terms of getting them up, dressed, lunches packed, school run, homework, dinner, bathed, bed?

I'm wondering if her "job really taking off lately" means that she is now having to spend more time on that and its highlighted how much of everything else she does and is still doing?

Moononthehill28 · 14/12/2018 17:22

Storm it’s amazing how doing everything kills passion and erodes a relationship for a woman. The best thing a man can do for a woman is be a TRUE partner. Not saying the OP doesn’t pull his weight, by my guess is inmist relationships it is STILL the woman masterminding the whole show whilst the husband ‘helps’. It’s just so bloody unfair.

Hopoindown31 · 14/12/2018 17:28

The usual affair and not doing stuff round the house stuff I see.

OP you need to focus on you and your needs for a while. I would recommend the relationship 180 (look it up on google) as you are currently doing the "pick me dance" which is just massively unattractive.

Arnoldthecat · 14/12/2018 17:30

Only speed read the thread...

OP you cannot change what your partner wants and what she may or may not do. You can only react to it and command your own actions.

In the mean time i would say to you,back off,dont crowd her,plead or anything like that.

Repeat this mantra....Scarcity increases value...

Be scarce,,go about your own life. She will either stay or go..

Inthetropics · 14/12/2018 17:33

OP, your post made me think a lot of things... people don't usually talk about this but sometimes people fall out of love and that's it. It doesn't always mean their partner have done something wrong or that they are having and affair. Sometimes people just drift apart without realizing and when you do notice that it's happened it's not always possible to recreate those feelings.

Other thought i had while reading was that you seen a bit passive and so eager to please that it makes it easier to take your good efforts for granted. I've just endend a relationship with my DP (not married) because even though she is a lovely woman, she never challenges me, is always trying to please and will pretty much do whatever i want most of the time. While this may sound great it makes me feel very much alone and it's hard to admire her. Is there any possibility that you're living is this sort of dinamic?

A third possibility is that you've become so accostumed to each other and have fallen in such a boring rut that there's no more passion between you. I'm not advocating that we have to be passionate all the time which would be exhausting, but i do believe that in order to maintain a relationship most people need a bit of it from time to time. Independence, self-assurance and having your own hobbies and interest can help with that.

Those are just hypothesis, ok? Just trying to help!

In the end i think it would be nice if you talk to her and ask her to tell you what are her reasons for wanting a divorce and if she wants to try to work on your relationship. Even if it's something fixable, she needs to want to fix it, right? Don't wait forever for her response; in your shoes i'd give her some thime to think. Maybe a week, tops.

ahola · 15/12/2018 00:54

Could I recommend a book- "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
And yes, don't hang around waiting to be told what to do- be proactive, find out what is making her unhappy, and work on sorting it. There are lots of exercises you can do in that book, it's v helpful.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 15/12/2018 11:51

You are not responsible for your wife's happiness.

You are not obligated to wait until she finds herself.

Your wife is entitled to feel the way she does - and that still doesn't make you responsible.

Your wife is entitled to leave - it is not your job to stop her.

Work on yourself - particularly your propensity to be passive in the face of circumstances that demand that you act.

Because she is not responsible for you, either.

WhyAmISoCold · 15/12/2018 14:12

What AFistfulofDolores1 said. DH isn't responsible for my happiness at all but I somehow feel responsible for his and guilty that I feel the way I do, but ultimately I cannot help it.

OP are you generally passive with everything? I'm just asking as mine is and I have realised that yes, whilst it's nice to get my own way and be the one in charge, it's also boring and I crave something back. An opinion, an argument so we can sort things out etc. If I ever say anything that DH doesn't like, he literally just doesn't acknowledge it in any way. If he is ever annoyed, instead of actually telling me he just huffs and stomps about. Which happens more and more. I can't say hardly anything to him without him huffing about it. Being passive is not what women generally want.

user1479305498 · 15/12/2018 14:33

Sometimes I think sadly people just fall out of love or even fall out of ‘like’ , there really isn’t ‘always’some one else , particularly with women. Sometimes people just fancy a massive change of lifestyle and obligations , it’s very hard I know if you aren’t the one who wants out but sometimes No matter what you do, it won’t be enough because their head and heart is no longer in it.

Arnoldthecat · 15/12/2018 18:15

Yes people do fall out of love. Maybe youve done all you want to or can do together, said all there is to be said etc etc and its time to move on. Plenty more fish n all that...

Idkw · 15/12/2018 23:51

I honestly thought you were my husband... this is exactly where we are, even down to your updates. I am in the same position as your wife and reading this has made me see how selfish I am being.

My job has just taken more, but I love it and the challenge, the new people.. it's given me something I was missing in my life. The children are older, at school - need less, they have their own little lives even though they are a huge part of mine. I feel my life is changing and moving on but the marriage is not. I have felt the distance creep in for nearly 2 years, but glossed over small things. Things we did in the past as a couple don't work anymore. I think I have fallen out of love but I still care deeply for my husband. I can't bear to hurt him, I also agreed to councelling but I know deep down it won't work. It sometimes feels like it was when I'm at home, this is why I am unsure of what I want. I am going to cause so much pain by walking away from my husband... but I know being a coward is no better.

If she feels like me... maybe suggest a trial separation. At least it wll give her perspective and you an answer.

EmilyBishopmyconfession · 16/12/2018 00:44

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but I just wanted to offer a silver lining in case the worst happens- you sound like a decent, caring guy, and they don't tend to stay single for long.

If your wife decides it really can't work between you, it could give you both the chance to find happiness elsewhere, with the right person.

moredoll · 16/12/2018 00:53

Counseling sounds like the way to go. I hope it all works out for you.

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