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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding needed over feeling guilty

33 replies

louisejanep · 14/12/2018 12:13

Hi ladies,

I have wrote on here recently about a 10 yr emotionally abusive relationship I have been in with partner. We have 3 yr old DD. After feeling the most unhappy I’ve ever felt I left last Saturday and come back to mum and dads.

Bit of background

  • get accused of being attracted to every man that walks past me
  • weren’t allowed Facebook for ages in case I spoke to men (never been interested in anyone else)
  • I work 2 jobs look after little one, just finished a masters degree and about to start Phd and he tells me that I need to stop prancing around being a student and start earning proper money
  • tells me if it weren’t for him and him ‘babysitting’ our daughter I wouldn’t be able to work, go to uni, live in a decent house
  • insults all my friends
  • says if we split up he hopes I end up with a scumbag who treats me bad so I can realise how good I’ve got it with him
These are just a few recent things that have happened on last few months it has been going on for years and years. Anyway final straw, he started shouting at me in front of our daughter and we had a weekend away booked to take our little girl away on a Santa experience. The morning came and because we had argument night before he had me begging him for 2 hours (which I hate myself for now) and then having DD scream and cry for daddy to come, hence the reason I kept asking him to come (wish I never). I decided enough was enough and come to my mums where I’ve been feeling ok. But now I feel so guilty for leaving him on his own around Christmas, he’s texting me constantly saying I’m the love of his life and his soul mate and he can’t bear seeing our family broken up. It’s awful feeling this much guilt I wish it weren’t Christmas might make things easier. He only had 1 friend and his family aren’t the best, I have a lot of family around me. I just feel awful that I’m not answering his texts, I wish I wouldn’t feel so guilty I don’t know what to say or do.
OP posts:
Lostandinsane · 14/12/2018 12:19

Hi,
I'm sure someone with more experience and a better way with words will be along soon, but I just wanted to say he is clearly an absolute areshole, you have nothing to feel guilty for and I guarantee you that by this time next year you will be glad you're well shot of him Smile

RivanQueen · 14/12/2018 12:21

Oh Louise the way he was treating you was so awful (and that's just based on the few things you have noted in your OP, I'll bet there was a lot more and far worse that you haven't mentioned) you have absolutely done the right thing by getting this abusive prick out of yours and your DD's life.
Right now he is trying to suck you back in and he's using emotional manipulation to do it. DON'T LET HIM SUCK YOU BACK IN!!! You should not feel guilty about anything, HE should feel guilty about the way he treated you for 10 years but I bet you any money that he doesn't feel an ounce of guilt. All he is feeling is angry that his victim has managed to escape him and he's doing everything he can to get you back.
When he realises love bombing you isn't going to work the nasty side of him will show itself and then you will see that staying away from him was the best thing you could do.
Talk to your family and friends, they will help keep you strong.
Flowers for you.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 14/12/2018 12:24

Don't feel guilty. You should be proud of yourself. By leaving you are protecting your daughter. You have done the right thing

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2018 12:28

Do you think he feels guilty for treating you as he has done; no not a bit of it. He honestly does not think even now he has done anything wrong here.

Is he paying maintenance for his child?. That is something I would address if he is not.

Such types like he usually find some other target to pair up with soon after or otherwise latch themselves onto so do not feel sorry for him being supposedly on his own this Christmas. If he was on his own anyway it is no less than he deserves. Guilt is truly a useless emotion to you here and it serves you poorly. Guilt is not your friend here.

Block him now from further texting you; he is trying to draw you back into his web. Remain at your mother's house and DO NOT go back to him under any circumstances. If you did, you and in turn your child would be in for more of the same from him. He has not changed, this is truly who he is.

Read the Lundy Bancroft publication "Why does he do that?".
I would also urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme which is run by Womens Aid if you have not already done so. It can help you no end straighten out your boundaries in relationships which have been screwed over by this individual.

Original poster
louisejanep · 14/12/2018 12:29

Not only do I feel this terrible guilt for him, I feel guilty for my little girl that I’ve took her out of daily home. She had her Christmas carols in school and teacher said she got upset in school because daddy wasent coming to watch. I was doing ok until teacher said that. He’s apologised and said he would go see counsellor but that happened last time (2yrs ago) and he quickly reverted back and said I made a wholly show of him for seeing a counsellor.

I wish I was strong person and I wish he had more people around him to help him. It’s a living hell at the moment I’ve been through every emotion possible. When I’m angry I feel strong but then when I feel guilty it’s the worst feeling

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2018 12:30

Read this too. He is The Loser in this article:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Petalflowers · 14/12/2018 12:36

I think you are stronger than you think. After all this time, you have taken the first step and moved to your parents.

It’s bound to be a stressful time. Feeling guilty is a natural reaction to what’s going on.

However, turn it around. Youmwouldn’t Be in this situation if he hadn’t been controlling, jealous, insulting etc. His attitude has put you in this situation, so he should be the one feeling guilty.

Regarding the future, go with your gut instinct. In your heart of hearts, do you want him back? It may be tough going it alone, but That may be better option for you and dc? He can still be part of dds life, even if he’s not living with you.

All the best.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2018 12:36

Your DD needs to grow up in an atmosphere free of abuse and this man abused you (and in turn her) as her mother. It matters not that you have taken her out of her daily home because that place was really a house of horrors.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Removing yourself and your child from abuse was the best thing you could have done for both her and you. You in the end had enough strength to do that and you are still more powerful than you think you are. He made you feel powerless and crap.

Does this teacher know the background here re her dad, I guess not. I would start also talking to other trusted people about what happened to you and it would also help you no end to talk to Womens Aid as well.

Counselling was always a non starter with this person and was never at all going to succeed. He does not need anyone around him to help him, he wants a woman to abuse.

Stay away from this man whatever happens. Do not go back to him under any circumstances.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2018 15:40

I feel guilty for my little girl that I’ve took her out of daily home
You should feel bloody proud of that.
You've taken her out of an abusive situation.
You are showing her that women do NOT have to put with this.
That women are strong and that we don't NEED a man.
You are saving her from a relationship just like the one you have with your Ex.
What would you say to your DD if she told you she was being treated how you were?
So if it's not good enough for her then it's not good enough for you and it's not a good example for her to see this as a 'normal and loving' relationship.
It's anything but that....
Don't lead your poor DD down that path...
The cycle of abuse means she will choose a man just like her dad if you remain with him.
Well done!

Don't listen to his manipulative shite!
It's all about him him him.

If he respected you at all he would respect your need for space.
But noooooo.... he can't even do that.
And now he has YOU feeling guilty for his abusive behaviour.
He's good, I'll give him that.
But YOU are better.
Block him for now.
Tell him to communicate via your dad.

Trinity66 · 14/12/2018 15:43

Everytime you feel guilty reread your OP. Stay strong for your little girl as much as yourself. Don't allow her to grow up thinking that's how women should be treated in a relationship. Well done for leaving, it will get so much better

Refilona · 14/12/2018 15:50

Can I just say that I was once your daughter - I was 3 when my mum took me and left my dad in the middle of the night and it was the best thing she ever did. I don’t remember it of course, but I had a fab childhood without an abusive dad and always admired her for doing that for us. I have a half sister whose mum didn’t do that and let’s just say her life hasn’t been as nice as mine.
He’ll say whatever it takes to go back to the status quo: you’ve left, that’s the hardest part. Don’t feel bad for him, he’s trash like my dad; your dd will understand one day.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2018 15:54

That 'Well Done!' sounded really awful.
What I meant was... well done on leaving!!! And showing your DD that you are strong.
It did not look good when I re-read it!
Sorry

Original poster
louisejanep · 14/12/2018 22:01

Thank you ladies for all your advice, this forum is my life line at the moment. I don’t like to talk to too may people as don’t want to seem like I have failed. Even though he has mentioned counselling, a person like this cannot change? He’s saying now he is to blame but I think that’s a front he’s putting on.

OP posts:
looondonn · 14/12/2018 22:37

This was me
This time last year
Few days after he lifted table to fire at me and then went for me with a knife
I got out but felt so bad he was alone at xmas
Went back
Let's just say it got so much worse
Don't do it

Block
Ignore

Don't feel bad for a bad man like that

AnyFucker · 14/12/2018 22:42

Save your guilt for if you go back and 20 years from now your daughter chooses a partner just like daddy

Weenurse · 14/12/2018 22:51

Stay strong

Original poster
louisejanep · 14/12/2018 23:26

Attilathemeerkat I’m just reading the article now on the loser wow such a powerful read, I’m blown away by every box being ticked. Thank you for sending me this.

OP posts:
Original poster
louisejanep · 15/12/2018 14:17

It’s so hard feel like I’m living a nightmare at the moment :( nothing feels normal

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/12/2018 15:22

You need to reset your "normal"

Weenurse · 15/12/2018 22:34

Now you are not under he same roof, how are you feeling?

Original poster
louisejanep · 16/12/2018 11:23

Weenurse I feel ok feel a lot more relaxed but everything does feel strange also

OP posts:
KatKit16 · 16/12/2018 11:34

Trust me if you go back to him eventually he will lord this over you until you break!
It will forever be...do you remember when you left me / threw it all away / thought you were better than me. Save yourself & the drama and stick to your decision. There's no going back & if you do you're just wasting more of your life that you can't get back.

Original poster
louisejanep · 16/12/2018 11:48

Katkit16 the exact same thing happened last time. We split two years ago but I went back after he said he was going to kill himself and I was worried he would. And for 2 years all he has ever said is I can’t believe you made an embarrassment of me, and made me beg you I will never forgot how bad you treated me.

OP posts:
Original poster
louisejanep · 16/12/2018 21:37

Has anyone had similar experiences?

OP posts:
Weenurse · 18/12/2018 06:33

Do not give in to him.
Stay strong for you and your daughter as you don’t want her to think this behaviour is normal

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