Hand holding needed over feeling guilty

[louisejanep]

Hi ladies,

I have wrote on here recently about a 10 yr emotionally abusive relationship I have been in with partner. We have 3 yr old DD. After feeling the most unhappy I’ve ever felt I left last Saturday and come back to mum and dads.

Bit of background

• get accused of being attracted to every man that walks past me
• weren’t allowed Facebook for ages in case I spoke to men (never been interested in anyone else)
• I work 2 jobs look after little one, just finished a masters degree and about to start Phd and he tells me that I need to stop prancing around being a student and start earning proper money
• tells me if it weren’t for him and him ‘babysitting’ our daughter I wouldn’t be able to work, go to uni, live in a decent house
• insults all my friends
• says if we split up he hopes I end up with a scumbag who treats me bad so I can realise how good I’ve got it with him

These are just a few recent things that have happened on last few months it has been going on for years and years. Anyway final straw, he started shouting at me in front of our daughter and we had a weekend away booked to take our little girl away on a Santa experience. The morning came and because we had argument night before he had me begging him for 2 hours (which I hate myself for now) and then having DD scream and cry for daddy to come, hence the reason I kept asking him to come (wish I never). I decided enough was enough and come to my mums where I’ve been feeling ok. But now I feel so guilty for leaving him on his own around Christmas, he’s texting me constantly saying I’m the love of his life and his soul mate and he can’t bear seeing our family broken up. It’s awful feeling this much guilt I wish it weren’t Christmas might make things easier. He only had 1 friend and his family aren’t the best, I have a lot of family around me. I just feel awful that I’m not answering his texts, I wish I wouldn’t feel so guilty I don’t know what to say or do.

You've tried going back, it didn't work out. It will only get worse the next time as he'll feel more power that he's got you back twice now

You've not taken your daughter away from her carols etc, you've taken her away from an abusive relationship and gifted her the opportunity to see loving relationships at work so she can blueprint new role models for her own relationship choices

You are not responsible for how he says he feels - if he makes threats to kill himself he's using it because it worked last time

Remember you've had 10 years of him grinding down your self worth - it's going to take time to build that back up

Your DD may also be upset at not him not seeing her in school as she may be worried it might make him cross (children may not see things but they are super aware it goes on)

Block him for now, give your DD a peaceful but lovely Christmas and yourself a fighting chance of a happier life

might be worth screen shotting your OP and keep looking at what you've written to remind typical what he's like

You've also managed your masters etc in the midst of all this - you are stronger than you imagine yourself to be

Please don’t go back to him. For your sake and your daughters sake you both deserve more. He sounds awful and will never change. He’s trying to play to your insecurities and make you feel guilty. You say you have lots of family. That’s great. Stay with them please. I have no experience with this and wouldn’t normally comment on these threads but your op shows your h for exactly what he is. Please don’t waste your life and ruin your daughters. She will be ok, she is only 3. If you stay for longer she may not be.

You are doing what is best for your daughter. Ok she won’t have mummy and daddy living together but is it really preferable that she watches mummy get abused growing up? Children model their relationships on that of their parents- do you really want her to grow up and end up in your shoes? Or do you want to break this circle- leave and show her what love really looks like.

You are doing the right thing and IMO are an amazing Mum. Uni, working and raising a child is not for the faint hearted.

Sending you strength.

Why are you feeling guilty, that should be for him and him alone to feel, he upset you and upset your daughter.
If you stay your daughter will have only unhappy memories about her childhood like my son did.
My adult son said recently, "Why didn't you leave dad sooner, he made our lives a misery".
Your husband is a grown up, he responsible for all of his own actions and he couldn't give a shit about your feeling guilty.
Think about your daughter and her happy future, your children are all you should be concerned about.
I pronise you your life will be better than your wildest dreams if you go it alone.

Well done for leaving, that takes tremendous courage. Don’t feel bad for him, if his family aren’t supportive and he has no friends that probably speaks to his character.

Concentrate on your little girl, throw yourself into some nice activities with her and it will help you take both your minds off things

Thank you ladies for all your messages, it’s so hard with it being Christmas time. But I’ve got to think of the long term outcomes now over the short term. My DD needs to learn about healthy relationships as I would be heartbroken if she got into a similar relationship.

Well done you. I hope you have a more peaceful weekend