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Original poster

Husband doesn't love me any more - devastated - is there any coming back?

44 replies

Lauramcw28 · 13/12/2018 22:45

I've been married to my husband 3 years yesterday and been together 8 years. We have two children together, 5 and 10 months. I'd say we have had a good relationship. He is my best friend, I tell him everything, the things i can't tell anyone else and he has supported me through a lot. We do have problems, he can be quite selfish and spends a lot of time in the pub, it usually results in me nagging him to spend more time with our family and helping around the house more. To be fair to him in the last couple years he's been working on this and was improving.

I've not made everything easy on him. After our first son was born i suffered severe PND. I was depressed and he eventually supported me through it when he realised he needed to stop being out so much. The birth of our second child triggered pND in the form if anxiety and panic attacks. For this i am currently seeing a councillor and making real inroads in dealing with this and the negative things which drive it.

We have the normal arguments about not doing enough around the house, not being home enough. We have had a stressful year with moving into a house which is so old and has brought a lot of issues - mould, everything breaking etc.

In October he took part in sober october and gave up booze for a month. He did so well and i was so proud of him. The second November started his drinking has become completely out of hand and everything has completely changed. We also had some news that he was going to have to reapply for his job and this has thrown a lot of stress his way.

He has become withdrawn from me, is now bored of sex, and very angry whilst drinking.

We have spent most of the last month arguing and he keeps promising he's going to try harder and then just reverting the second drink is on the agenda. Then last Friday he told me he didn't love me anymore.

I don't think i've ever been so devastated in all my life. I can't understand how this has happened. Its just ridiculous as I had been busy telling my councillor i hadn't felt happier in a long time in October and the early weeks in November. He told me that I have changed from the girl he fell in love with and we are just too different now. Of course i've changed from the girl he went out drinking with, we have two children to take care of!

He spent a few days away and when he came home he said we would try and make it work. I'm not convinced he really wants to try, but he's here I guess. He's agreed to go see a relationship councillor but the waiting lists are really long - until mid January for the intake appointment. I've asked him if he has found someone else but he is adamant thats not the case. I'm struggling to believe this as this has just come out of the blue for me.

I don't know what to do. Is it even possible for him to fall back in love with me or is working on this just going to prolong the inevitable?

I have hardly been able to eat since he told me this - i've lost 5lb in a week and just feel so drained and broken. I can't stop crying and feel like i've lost my best friend in the whole wide world. I can't even imagine not being with him. I'm so lost.

OP posts:
Feckers2018 · 14/12/2018 00:04

What he really means is you are trying to stop his addictive drinking. And you have the cheek to argue about it.

SimplySteve · 14/12/2018 00:19

Hmm.

He has become withdrawn from me, is now bored of sex, and very angry whilst drinking.

Bored of sex, or bored of sex with you? Any chance he's cheating? Agree with PP about the booze too.

CupsAndPentacles · 14/12/2018 00:24

It's easy for us to read this and think get rid of him but ...... the script is that you are trying to rein in his drinking and 'keep' him (interested and calm). Instead of that, flip the script, he's letting you down, his drinking is boring, you stop tring to coax him out of his withdrawn state.

JK1773 · 14/12/2018 00:29

Oh dear. Do you think this might just be an anger outburst and frustration he didn’t mean?
It’s hard to say without knowing what is really on his mind. He needs to be honest. If it the stress and strains of your life as it is now you’ve had your DC then it’s salvageable I’d say.
If he’s fallen out of love with you, truly, whatever the reason that is then he needs to be honest with you now and not prolong anything.
It sounds devastating. Xx

Original poster
Lauramcw28 · 14/12/2018 00:41

I think he meant it unfortunately. Ever since he's said it he's been showing it more. Short snappy text replies, has stopped saying love you as well. I really do think he has fallen out of love completely. He had mentioned maybe about 2 weeks ago that he loved me but wasn't sure if he was still "in love" with me. It obviously took him 2 weeks to be brave enough to tell me the truth in that respect.

He's just like jekyl and Hyde with this drinking. I love the man he is when he is sober, and I used to still love the man he was drunk. He used to come home and cuddle into me in bed, but he doesn't even do that anymore. This has literally been since mid November.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauramcw28 · 14/12/2018 00:43

Well that's what I'm wondering simplySteve, he was all for it a few months back, but now he's coming to bed later, falling asleep on the sofa (drunk) and when he does come to bed he stays on his phone and when he's done he rolls over to his side away from me.

I'm really not convinced there isn't someone else but I don't know how to find out. He clearly won't tell me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauramcw28 · 14/12/2018 00:45

Feckers - yup he is just being incredibly selfish now. I am all for him having a good time but when it's more than 3 nights a week, doesn't come home till 3am sometimes and is usually mean too, I don't get how it's me being unreasonable to ask him to slow down

OP posts:
Youmatter · 14/12/2018 00:50

What do your family/ friends think of this?

It’s such an awful position to be in. I wonder what’s changed in his head to provoke all of this or is this after every other row about contributing to the house or when you mention the drink even?

I hate that you’re feeling like this and hoping someone can fall back in love with you. You deserve a whole lot more

SimplySteve · 14/12/2018 03:35

He had mentioned maybe about 2 weeks ago that he loved me but wasn't sure if he was still "in love" with me

This is a line trotted out by men who want the best of both worlds (partner and OW) and is straight out of the cheaters handbook. You should get tested for STIs.

Justtickingboxes · 14/12/2018 04:18

First of all, you have mentioned so many issues, that it's normal for both of you to be super stressed and tiredright now. You've got a new baby, recovering from childbirth, new house, husband dealing with work issues and alcohol.. He might have just lashed out or, even more probably, it might have been the alcohol talking, as that makes people aggressive. Don't panic - but think of yourself first. You need support (you gave birth only 10 months ago for ffs) and yet you are constantly worrying about how "you haven't made things easy for him"??? He needs to pull up his socks and find a better way of dealing with stress before he becomes an alcoholic.

Justtickingboxes · 14/12/2018 04:20

Is he doing his share of childcare? Does he give you time to yourself? How could he just "spend a few days away" and leave you with a baby and toddler?!

Justtickingboxes · 14/12/2018 04:24

Put on your make-up and heels and have a serious and calm discussion in the morning, when he's clear headed. Don't feel like a victim and do not panic. You are extremely strong and a survivor (surviving childbirth and PND !) - he needs to pull his socks up.

Justtickingboxes · 14/12/2018 04:26

Good luck! In relationships, love ebbs and flows - but you must nip alcoholism in the bud before it destroys everything. Easier said than done, but you must be firm

Fontofnoknowledge · 14/12/2018 04:37

This is NOT about a potential OW . Unfortunately MN is obsessed and will go in and on about 'the script' . It's not.

Your DH is exhibiting just about the clearest signs of alcoholic behaviour that it's possible to do. Alcohol had changed his personality. Hence October was him without the booze but he literally couldn't wait until November.
He is angry with you because you keep trying to get between him and his drink.
I do not envy you. Alcoholism is a very selfish mistress and will drive you and your family into the ground. Only HE can decide to give her up. It's really unlikely.

The only thing YOU can do is tell him you won't live with him whilst he is drinking and ask him to leave. There is no point in relationship counselling with an alcoholic - the relationship problem is with alcohol.

Been there. Don't spend years trying to work out 'what's wrong with you.' The answer is 'nothing' the entire thing is not about you. It's his about his 'true love ' alcohol.

Stripybeachbag · 14/12/2018 04:51

There are so many references to alcohol in your posts. It is not normal or acceptable to drink 3 times a week until 3 am. Is he able to help with the kids the day after? Is he working? Where does he get the money?

Can you try to go to an Al anon meeting and get some insight? al-anon.org

Justtickingboxes · 14/12/2018 05:08

One warning : never have arguments or discussions when he's drunk. Avoid him or cut him cold when he is in a state and discuss calmly only when he's sober. I agree with Fontofknowledge - he is becoming or has become an alcoholic and when drunk, he will hate you for trying to get between him and his next drink, so he could say or do anything. It would be the addiction talking.

Nightwatch999 · 14/12/2018 05:23

OP sending you my love. You and your children deserve far better life than this. Please do not make excuses for him or blame yourself. And please think about your children growing up living with an Alcoholic father.

Marthymoomar · 14/12/2018 06:14

The obsession on MN that everything is a sign of an affair is tedious. Your husband is, more than likely, an alcoholic. It is that home wrecking substance he is cheating on you with. It is therefore you that must take hold of this situation and put clear boundaries in place for yourself and your children. Sadly nothing will change until he is prepared to meaningfully address his addiction and whilst he is in the grips of it, everything else will come secondary to his next drink.

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this x

CupsAndPentacles · 14/12/2018 06:42

Agree, be brave and calmly tell him you feel the same, not sure you love him, his behavior to you disrespectful, his drinking out of control and he's not affectionate and he's not good company and at the moment he's very hard to love.

Part of the reason he's being a dick is that he thinks you're an option he has if he decides to wander about drinking/shaggin

8FencingWire · 14/12/2018 06:51

He’s normalised this awful behaviour and is having a go at you for not accepting it. He does sound like he’s an alcoholic, he’s going to drive you and the kids to absolute pits of despair.
Kick him out, he can come back when he’s given up alcohol. You can’t make him, you can’t help him either. Don’t pit the children through that. Rally the family around, explain both sides of the family what’s going on and throw him out.

Original poster
Lauramcw28 · 14/12/2018 21:46

I don't think he is becoming an alcoholic. He's always been out at least three days a week and it's usually the social aspect he likes. I think k it's just how he is dealing with everything just now.

The stress of the job is what has tipped him over the edge i think. Today he has told me he has been unhappy for quite some time and he's really fed up in our relationship. That we are too different now, he likes playing dominos at the pub, watching football and being in the pub, whereas I like going to the gym. To be honest I have lost myself since having children. More so since being off on maternity leave!

We had sex last night but today he said it felt good but more that he was doing it for the sake of doing it.

We were supposed to do stuff together today getting the room ready for the tree to go up tomorrow but he slept till 11:30 and then sat and watched the darts for the rest of the day. I've done nothing but cry again today. I'm not ready to accept this is over, but I think it maybe is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauramcw28 · 14/12/2018 21:50

Justtickingboxes - totally realised not to argue when he's drunk. I think this is partly the reason it has gotten so bad to be honest!

He is good with the kids and does let me have a few hours to myself a few nights a week to go to the gym. But if I ever ask him to come home when he is out to help with something he has a meltdown!

OP posts:
Escolar · 15/12/2018 09:32

It sounds to me like counselling would help - you should definitely put your names down on the waiting list.

I don't think there is necessarily an OW (although there might be). It seems more to do with his selfishness and whether he wants to grow up and be a good husband and father or pretend he's still young and single.

Livelovebehappy · 15/12/2018 09:50

You’re stopping him doing what he wants to do, and he has probably now decided he doesn’t want restrictions and is checking out. Very selfish, and tbh I don’t think I could stay with someone who is clearly so self absorbed. Marriage sometimes involves hard work to keep it on track, but your situation sounds like too much hard work on a daily basis where there is no joy but just ongoing battles. You’re thinking it’s you that’s at fault and are second doubting what you are doing. I think in your situation, it may be good to have a trial separation. See if he misses you and whether you miss him. Life is too short to put up with this - you’re missing out on living your life and enjoying your children while having to focus on his selfish behaviour.

category12 · 15/12/2018 09:59

Short snappy text replies, has stopped saying love you as well. I really do think he has fallen out of love completely. He had mentioned maybe about 2 weeks ago that he loved me but wasn't sure if he was still "in love" with me. It obviously took him 2 weeks to be brave enough to tell me the truth in that respect. [...] He used to come home and cuddle into me in bed, but he doesn't even do that anymore. This has literally been since mid November. [...] now he's coming to bed later, falling asleep on the sofa (drunk) and when he does come to bed he stays on his phone and when he's done he rolls over to his side away from me.

It sounds like there's someone else in the picture to me.

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