Husband doesn't love me any more - devastated - is there any coming back?

[Lauramcw28]

I've been married to my husband 3 years yesterday and been together 8 years. We have two children together, 5 and 10 months. I'd say we have had a good relationship. He is my best friend, I tell him everything, the things i can't tell anyone else and he has supported me through a lot. We do have problems, he can be quite selfish and spends a lot of time in the pub, it usually results in me nagging him to spend more time with our family and helping around the house more. To be fair to him in the last couple years he's been working on this and was improving.

I've not made everything easy on him. After our first son was born i suffered severe PND. I was depressed and he eventually supported me through it when he realised he needed to stop being out so much. The birth of our second child triggered pND in the form if anxiety and panic attacks. For this i am currently seeing a councillor and making real inroads in dealing with this and the negative things which drive it.

We have the normal arguments about not doing enough around the house, not being home enough. We have had a stressful year with moving into a house which is so old and has brought a lot of issues - mould, everything breaking etc.

In October he took part in sober october and gave up booze for a month. He did so well and i was so proud of him. The second November started his drinking has become completely out of hand and everything has completely changed. We also had some news that he was going to have to reapply for his job and this has thrown a lot of stress his way.

He has become withdrawn from me, is now bored of sex, and very angry whilst drinking.

We have spent most of the last month arguing and he keeps promising he's going to try harder and then just reverting the second drink is on the agenda. Then last Friday he told me he didn't love me anymore.

I don't think i've ever been so devastated in all my life. I can't understand how this has happened. Its just ridiculous as I had been busy telling my councillor i hadn't felt happier in a long time in October and the early weeks in November. He told me that I have changed from the girl he fell in love with and we are just too different now. Of course i've changed from the girl he went out drinking with, we have two children to take care of!

He spent a few days away and when he came home he said we would try and make it work. I'm not convinced he really wants to try, but he's here I guess. He's agreed to go see a relationship councillor but the waiting lists are really long - until mid January for the intake appointment. I've asked him if he has found someone else but he is adamant thats not the case. I'm struggling to believe this as this has just come out of the blue for me.

I don't know what to do. Is it even possible for him to fall back in love with me or is working on this just going to prolong the inevitable?

I have hardly been able to eat since he told me this - i've lost 5lb in a week and just feel so drained and broken. I can't stop crying and feel like i've lost my best friend in the whole wide world. I can't even imagine not being with him. I'm so lost.

Don’t let him back in your bed OP! Don’t do the pick me dance either!

He chose to be a Husband/ partner and Father to two children! He doesn’t get to say ‘fuck it, I don’t like this anymore, I prefer drinking in the pub and watching football.’ What a first class loser!

He is an alcoholic, unfortunately as he has always been a drinker, you have likely enabled him as you have normalised that behaviour. There was a clear difference in his behaviour in October when he stopped drinking, you were both happier. He completely changed when November came and he could escape back to Neberland! He is resenting you, because you represent everything preventing him from being out on the piss with his mates and living the life of a single man!

Unfortunately it seems he is a waster, he doesn’t want to be a husband and a Father! You could be A supermodel, perfect hair, perfect figure and you would still represent to him everything that he doesn’t want to be- a husband and a Father.

His comments after using you last night (and he did use you) are appalling! He doesn’t even respect you anymore.

You and your babies deserve more.

You deserve a man, he is clearly Peter Pan and has suddenly realised that Wendy made him grow up. Send him to his Mothers and tell him he knows where his children are, when he is ready to be a grown up.

I also agree that someone has turned his head! If he has not already graced her bed.

Don't do the pick me dance.
Whether you're competing with alcohol or his affair partner it will wreck your self esteem.

You are good enough.
He just isn't being very nice to you.
At all.
That's on him.

It doesn't sound like it's possible for you to change anything to enable him to change. He would have to want to.

He wants the single, boozy, carefree life. He is willing to throw you and your kids away to achieve it

The best (and only) thing you could do now is to tell him to go. Let him have it and stop doing the Pick Me Dance because it further devalues you in his eyes.

Maybe he will realise what he stands to lose, maybe he has already discarded you and there is no going back

But believe me, practically begging him to fuck you, pathetically snuffling for crumbs of his affection and trying desperately to show him he still loves you after all is just about the worst thing you could do

Be strong now. Tell him to go. Hopefully, if he does come crawling back you will have realised you don't actually want a "partner" that treats you like this.

Your DH is exhibiting just about the clearest signs of alcoholic behaviour that it's possible to do. Alcohol had changed his personality. Hence October was him without the booze but he literally couldn't wait until November.
He is angry with you because you keep trying to get between him and his drink.

This. It's not the fecking Script. What absolutely leaps out of your first post is that your mutual lives revolve around his drinking. I think both of you are in some deep deep denial about the degree of his alcohol dependence. Sure, he "just does it for the social side". The alcohol doesn't care why he drank it. It fucks his liver and his brain anyway.

You and his kids are standing between him and his first love, alcohol. That's why he feels you have to go. But it doesn't really matter for now whether you believe us or not. If he doesn't love you any more, he needs to get out and stay out. You deserve better.

WOW this is weird. This is almost exactly what happened to me - we even got married the same day.

I don't think there was another woman either, but alcohol is even worse, in a way. One thing I didn't do was the Pick Me Dance. He clearly expected me to, but for once in my life I did the opposite. He couldn't believe it.

2.5 years on and I can see he did us all a HUGE favour by fucking off that night. I want to be a good mum, and I wasn't doing that by bringing my children up around an alcoholic.

Are his parents and siblings aware of his drinking and socialising?
Have you discussed it with your family?
His behaviour is not normal and his family and friends should be telling him that.

Go on bacp website see if you can find a couples counsellor
Talk things through if not solvable then see if your can make a good separation
Forget what everyone is saying re OW there maybe but it just adds to the self torture and if it comes out later you can deal with it then

Today he has told me he has been unhappy for quite some time and he's really fed up in our relationship. That we are too different now, he likes playing dominos at the pub, watching football and being in the pub, whereas I like going to the gym. To be honest I have lost myself since having children. More so since being off on maternity leave!

Sounds to me like he's forgetting that you are parents. You haven't lost yourself, you changed because you became a parent and he simply hasn't changed. How can you go to the pub 3x a week to play dominos when you have 2 dc? Sounds like he's still the same person he was pre kids and you've grown into your new role. I think I would struggle to have any respect left for him if he was my dh. Sounds like he need to ditch all drinking and grow up. I would ask him to leave until he's ready to be a partner and parent and alcohol free. Going out 3x a week when you have 2 young dc and then having the cheek to tell your wife you don't love her because she's changed is ridiculous.

It’s not a another woman, it’s alcohol.
It doesn’t really matter wether he’s an alcoholic or not, alcohol is affecting his behaviour and not in a nice way.

He needs to get help with his drinking or leave. He will only get worse.

I totally agree with @LizzieSiddal

I just wanted to tell you that this is not your fault. Yes you have changed because you are a mother now and your priorities have changed. Your husbands should have too. This isn't because you have done anything wrong. Don't let him make you feel as if you are to blame. This is HIS fault.

He puts drinking and a "social life" before his children and his wife. Whether he is a cheat or an alcoholic or not he still puts his family in last place.

You need to get angry about this. The way he is treating your babies by not taking an active part in their lives. The money he is wasting on himself. The way he has just emotionally abused you and your body by saying he had sex with you because he felt sorry for you.

Just to remind you again....This is HIS FAULT

Thank you everyone for your comments. It really is so helpful having people there to speak to. Part of this is that I am so alone. I moved away from m6 family - they are over 2 hours away and I haven't really been able to make many friends over here. I don't really have anyone whose shoulder I can cry on. His mum has been really supportive. Everyone can see what he is doing isn't fair...everyone but him.

I guess my main worries about leaving him are how I'm going to cope on my own with two kids with no help from my family.

Today I've been walking on eggshells and he is just being so short with me. Instead of giving the baby his lunch he gave him a bottle and seems to have forgotten how to be a dad. I'm really at the end of my tether but don't know how I'll cope on my own. Especially when I go back to work in January.

And his timing has made me really angry. I was so excited for the babies first Christmas and now I'm just dreading it cause I'm either going to be on my own or have him dragging me down. If this is his version of trying he has definitely already checked himself out.

You could consider moving back closer to your family.

Category12, unfortunately my wee boy has started school here and my job is based here. If I really am going to have to start again on my own I can't lose my job security. I feel really stuck. :(

I wouldn't rule it out tho - you could look for work back home, and at that age your dc will be able to change schools with little issue. It's not like he's doing his GCSEs. You've really got to think long-term here - are you going to want to be rooted there for the next, what. twenty years?

Do things one step at a time. Keep your job and stay until you have another one nearer home. Chuck him out and only have him back when he adores you and he has faced his alcohol issue.
I don't think it's either alcohol or another woman, btw, it''s possible that it can be both.

Yes, I meant look for work back home while still working.