C&&T!

[greenberet]

Yes another thread about the x!

I have been waiting for someone - kids or X to tell me what the arrangements are over Xmas - kids are with me Xmas Day and normally go to him Boxing Day!

I am pretty much on the verge of a breakdown - the idea of being on my own with nothing to think about, deal with or sort out is getting more and mor appealing!

I have too much on my plate mentally and physically as still recovering from back surgery. The kids have probably too much on too but the help I thought I would get has been pretty much non existent!

Dd disappears for much of the week then wants to know why her washing has not been done - I’m not meant to do washing! Both want to know when I can drive - not because it means I’m on the mend but because they won’t have to keep getting the bus! WE have a bus to stop right outside the front door!

I still cannot do much around the house - get the house ready for Christmas - what a joke! I cannot even depend on the kids getting the boxes out the loft! So I’ve bought a cheap real tree - why did you buy that it looks crap! Waste of money! It’s sitting in a pot in the lounge - it may or may not get decorated!

To add to my own copious amounts of stuff I now have boxes of stuff from my old family home - my DF has just moved - so I have what he couldn’t take with him - my house looks like a bloody junk shop!

I ask Dd if she knows what is happening over Xmas - she tells me she is seeing x this weekend - his contact time - but then not over holidays - I ask why - cos of OW - this will be the 2nd year her father has chosen OW over his own bloody daughter and not seeing her during Xmas.

I don’t know what DS is doing I haven’t asked him yet but he is under stress and not well - I can tell by his behaviour in the mornings - when he swears at anything I know it’s not good.

The kids have a level mocks after Xmas - Ds is already saying 3 weeks of revision! And it suddenly dawned on me why X is awol - He doesn’t want the bloody hassle - so I’m unlikely to get a break - I will have to deal with the moods when my own capacity to function is rock bottom!

It manifests itself in I’m not eating Tesco pizza - Lidl cheese or cheap crumpets! WTF have you done to the dogs hair - he’s had a groom!
I’ve cooked you can wash up - except you have just cooked for yourself so every morning I’m getting up to a kitchen bombsite!

I had lots of things I wanted to do this year - I wanted to make my own door wreath - went on a workshop last year - I had planned things I could do easily - this all ground to a halt after learning the x had reported me to police for harassment - I’m waiting on a visit!

I want to run away or stay in bed - my skin is breaking out in sores again - maybe another trip to dermatology. I need to look at finances to work out if I need to give notice on the rent of the former family home - I’m putting this off because this will put me in a tail spin!

I had previously worked out November im already a month past this. X won’t respond to communication I have sent him re kids and living arrangements so this is not helping - kids don’t want to know either and why should they!

I’m waiting for this bloody karma either that or a miracle - my stars said the other day I’m going to receive a windfall - maybe my premium bonds are going to come up! I need something anything right now could tip me into that black hole!

Sit your children down and talk to them. Tell them matter of factly that you're recovering from back surgery and you're physically unable to do much. Then give them each a list of things they need to do. Daily as well as during the Christmas holidays. Don't worry about wreaths etc, just do what you can, get the help you need and it'll soon be the new year.

Musti - thanks for your reply - it won’t work - they’ve had a list of jobs to do for the last couple of years - not much - dishwasher, putting bins out, picking up their own clothes off the floor etc - even this has been a battle - I still have to remind Ds to put bins out - he could put a reminder on his phone - but that’s not what his phone is for is it?

It’s got to the point where I remind remind remind if they go out they do if not I’m past caring!

They saw me being pushed in a wheelchair - they laughed!

The wreath was for my own MH - try to do something I enjoy - when I look back at what I used to accomplish prior to divorce shite - even with depression. - I don’t know how I did it all!

I can’t go into the detail on here I get flamed but something as basic as letting the dog out is too much - I can’t keep asking it stresses me out - I’ve gone beyond this - I just want to run!

I’ve spent the last 53 years thinking and believing what I’ve done is never enough - never good enough - now I know how my mum felt - all I’m asking for is basic functions - but maybe their own MH is struggling - I learnt what it felt like at nearly 50 when my DF chose to spend Xmas on his own rather than here with grandkids - Christ knows what my Dd feels! She makes out she’s ok - how can you be ok with this! It’s a slap in the face!

I’m blubbing know - I need to get out of this place!

What are the consequences of them not doing what they're supposed to do?

there are no consequences as such - I tried - it turned into even more of a battle - all on MN - I did a list of jobs over the summer Whilst waiting for surgery - one or two were done - currently the consequences are the house is looking like a shit pit - which stresses them out - as well as me - my capacity is limited so without help I can’t do much!

There are no Xmas decs up other than a tree that needs decorating - decs are in the loft - need help to get these out!

The house is not going to be clean and tidy without help - I cannot hoover for another month or so and I cannot lift and move boxes around!

Due to the continual lack of help my motivation is at rock bottom anyway - I just can’t be bothered - I’ve got presents for them that have been delivered - no motivation to unwrap them and rewrap in Xmas paper - no motivation to do the usual Xmas food prep that I have done in the past - maybe it’s my expectations that are wrong again - I expected that they would want to help - maybe they are too stressed out themselves with mocks coming up - maybe I have just had enough of the xmas has to be full on over consumption of materialism!

THis is so not like me - normally I’m full on 3 trees house full of decs and as much homemade food as you can get! I don’t feel appreciated - don’t even get a cup of tea unless I ask - is this all 17/18 year olds or just mine!

If you have been doing everything for DD and DS, being their personal skivvy, this is how they are. They aren't stressed. They just don't care.

It's a bit late to start now but you can just stop. They are old enough to do their own laundry, find their own rides, etc. Just stop all of it. Don't bother with Christmas.

In the short term can you afford to buy help in ? Not ideal but it sounds like you just don't have the energy at the moment to deal with recovery and trying to get your DC to muck in ?

Can you afford a cleaner or home help for a couple of visits, to get back on top of the house? Do you have a friend or neighbour who would get the Xmas decs down for you? Church/social group who would help out?

It's all very well saying don't bother with Xmas, but that's shit for the op as well.

If your dd is an adult(?), at some point you need to have a conversation about her pulling her weight at home or moving out. The younger one, you can sanction.

Are you getting any support with your mental health - you sound very low. Perhaps a chat with your gp?

Your children mess you around, your DF has just left loads of stuff in your house, you're waiting to be told what's going on for Christmas etc. you're paying rent on another home you're not living in?
Maybe it's time to just do what is right for you? Slough off the financial stuff that makes no sense, sell or give to charity those boxes of things you don't need. Sod Christmas and those who don't seem to care. Tidy your life up and it'll help your mental health immeasurably. Ex doesn't want to respond, given he's trying to set you up for harassment, concentrate on getting yourself well. Right now, I bet the simpler you make your life, the happier you'll be. Easier said than done, of course.

Not just your teens. I gave mine both barrels last night. Surly and uncommunicative unless he wants something. He and I are going away this weekend at his request and I said unless he cha ged his attitude I wasn’t going. I’d prefer to lose the money. He managed to come in and civilly ask to watch some tv with his dad and I.

I realise you position is a bit different and I have read some of your other threads.

Just wanted to let you know it’s not just your teens!

THankyou for your replies - my Dd is here shes hoovering - she has just told me something that makes me concerned - she has said to me she must stop putting her school bag on her bed - it is covered in germs - she has said she sits on the bus and thinks about all the germs - the germs on the floor - the germs from all the people sitting on the seats - if she puts her bag on the floor it gets covered in germs - if she puts it on the seat it gets covered in germs - given that she spends a lot of time of the bus - this is a lot of thinking about germs - I have told her this Is how OCD starts - I have told her that her brain is distracting itself from the things it really needs to think about but focusing on something pretty mundane - but it can then become irrational thinking if not kept in check. SHes worried about her personal statement for uni - she’s worried about the costs of going to uni - she’s obviously picking up on my own state of mind!

I can’t afford to get someone in and this would overwhelm me anyway - I don’t want to just get rid of the stuff I want to have the time and headspace to go through it -

My Gp is fully aware of my MH

I’ve realised what is behind my current state - there’s something I need to do which scares the shit out of me - but I need to do it - it’s the worrying about when is this going to happen that is playing on my mind - if I deal with this it will be interesting to see if my mood improves - just acknowledging that this is what I need to do has somehow helped.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me - I appreciate it x

Having something to do, which you are putting off doing, is very likely playing on your mind if you're anything like me. (I'm currently half way through my anxiety inducing thing I had been putting off!) is it something you can get done in small Chunks so you can get a start on it, then come away for a little while before hitting it again? I bet you'll feel stronger once its done then can hopefully get more confident dealing with the other issues.

I was going to suggest cleaner too.
Don't waste head space on it hire a cleaner for a few weeks.
Cut down on gifts if need be to afford it.
You are probably extending your recovery by doing too much too soon. Think of it as medicinal.

MY mood is shite today - I’m angry - it’s x contact weekend - someone up thread said my kids mess me around - I’m beginning to think they do - so much fucking shite as a result of this divorce - I asked Dd for help this weekend - she told me she needed to go to x to use the computer he has there to catch up on schoolwork - I’ve told her so many times to ask him to get her a laptop - she won’t - I’m beginning to think he knows their weak spots and how to manipulate them - he gave Ds an old Apple laptop of his - he has an old Mac at his house which Dd uses - I believe it’s in her room there - so last night I find out she had been to see his DF and then food shopping - she was starting her work at 4pm.
Nothing wrong with this you may say - except the GF is the one that gave me a whole load of abuse when I wanted to know why he hadn’t come to see his Ds when he was suicidal - the GF is the one who has ignored my request that he release the money that was given to the kids when GM died so that I can continue to rent the former family home until they finish their a levels and during the divorce process accused me of harassing him after he came to me after an argument he’d had with hid DS at the time!

I find out Dd then went food shopping with X nothing wrong with this either you may say except they go to Waitrose apparently to take advantage of Dd discount - see upthread where I say about Dd refusing to eat food from Tesco, Lidl

I’m sure X is monitoring communication I have with kids - phones are in his name and there is a generic family email account - somehow I’m sure he’s hacking into it - but I cannot prove it - yet! - just like with everything I said about divorce!

Yesterday I spend time trying to get house into some sort of order - moving boxes of shite out of the lounge that I shouldn’t really be doing alone - Ds is also at work and then back to DF - he s full of cold - he always gets ill this time of year!

When I find out what Dd did yesterday I’m angry - she misled me too - she asked me if I wanted her here to help I said no when she told me she needed to catch up on work. Except she didn’t just work!

I have to make a decision soon re house - it’s looking like 1/2 term or Easter at the latest - I have no idea whether kids can stay with x - they won’t ask - he won’t reply to my emails - so I’m having to make a decision that effects everyone with no input from them but you can guarantee that afterwards I will get shit for it!

This has the potential to completely fuck the kids up - Ds is messy at the best of times - x is OCD on cleanliness - he cannot tolerate Ds never has been able to even as a baby! This will impact on OW - Dd still wants nothing to do with her!

Is any of this my issue - some could say no - but I want the best for my kids even when I don’t think I’m getting much back in return - this is my weakness! But financially I can’t make it happen and the impact on me could then be pretty harsh pushing me to do things that I may not be able to handle and having a further impact on my MH.

I have till Tuesday to make this decision- once I do there’s no turning back - that’s it wheels in motion for next chapter!

Someone said do what’s right for me - this is so difficult for me - I didn’t have kids to have to make decisions that goes against what I think is best for them - but I’ve been coerced manipulated bullied ignored financially and emotionally abused to where I am now! I have recognised MH issues - Kids have a high likelihood of developing MH issues based on what I see of them - x I believe has MH issues bordering on NPD - but will he admit to this - now ? After his depression and suicidal time - at the time this seemed real - but was it all part of his game plan or just guilt!

People tell me I spend too much time with this shite in my head - I totally bloody agree but I can’t help it - it completely goes against my core to have to be thinking about doing I’m doing - I’m 53 - I deserve to be able to make some choices that means I get a life too - is this right? I spent 20 years cooking and cleaning and doing everything to make kids life easier and x’s So that he could focus on the business - I thought this was working as a team as a family unit - how come I feel shafted on all counts - I’m everyones fall back, good old reliable mum, and even when I’m incapable and asking for help do I get it - like fuck I do - I’ve had two scares in the last 4 years - aggressive breast cancer that could have ended up completely differently, the back issue that too could have ended up differently if I had not fought like I did to get the op - does this make any difference - nah - they’ve all had a warning as to what the picture could look like if im not here - but they must think I’m bluffing - because nothing ever turns out as bad as I say it might - but this time unless I’m going to win the lottery I can’t do it.

I’m selling what I can - I have a whole house of stuff to fucking sell but I can’t do it quick enough with my limited capacity for it to make a difference - so Tuesday it is - all fucking hell will break loose and it will be all my fault I can guarantee that - pretty much like the other thread I’m on - where we women come out as greedy, full of vitriol, bitter blah blah blah and don’t forget deluded because we know we got stitched up by our legal profession but no the consensus is we must have done something, we must have it wrong because the legal profession are full of saints who just want to help you - except there is the draw of “fees” that for some overpowers and influences everything else!

Oh and I forgot to say the next time Dd sees her dad - 8 jan - fucking 8 jan - it’s christmas ffs - this is the Dd that took 6 rounds of fertility treatment - the Dd that used to idolise you - the Dd that will say “ it’s fine “ no way ever is this fucking “fine” - you were lucky you got a chance and this is how you treat it - I may have fucking MH issues but fuck me I know when I’ve been lucky - and the last thing I want to do is abuse that luck - because when Lady Luck turns - and she is a lady - watch out!

If you're daughter has early signs of OCD then surely she would want the house to be clean then!!!
Do you have anyone at all who could talk to the kids for you? Explain to them how important it is that they help you? Perhaps the parents of one of their best friends?
AS for your dad's boxes - tell him you have no room for them and he either needs to take them or pay for storage.
Start saying no to things. Say no to your children unless they help, say no to your dad.
Start making decisions for YOU.

You need to simplify your life. Your old life has gone, make a new one. Don't try and hold on to things you can't.
Boxes in your house. Not you problem, get them removed.
Paying for a house you don't live in. Madness stop ASAP.
Sit your DC's down and tell them the world has changed and that they need to become more responsible and help the house/family run smoothly. Emphasise to them that they are not helping you, not doing you a favour. They are contributing to their environment.
Leaving the house with unwashed dishes, unacceptable. Meals are a joint enterprise. Someone cooks, someone else cleans. Failure to pitch in, unacceptable and you need to make consequences. A lift in your car is a kind gesture, not a given.
You seem be the person that everyone relies on to make things happen. You need to show your DC's that you can't and won't do everything alone.
My DC's don't live at home, but even as guests, they tidy up after themselves.

Crappyday2018 - making decisions for me will piss everyone else off because they are not used to it and I will get labelled all fucking sorts - most of their friends are lucky /privileged/ spoilt - they probably do even less than my 2 and are probably not even expected to -

I wanted my dads boxes - they have my mum’s stuff - if I hadn’t taken them it would have all gone to the tip - another one who’s behaviour I don’t understand!

I still live in the formerly family home - I managed to rent it to keep continuity for kids - but I can’t do this for much longer.

I struggled to get the lights on the tree then found they didn’t work - yes I know I should have checked them first but they were new!

If it weren’t for the kids I wouldn’t be here - I wouldn’t be doing Xmas for them - I would bugger of somewhere and sit on a beach - but I can’t bugger off when their father has already done so - so I’m doing what I can -

When I move it will be 200 Miles away - this Is supposed to tie in with uni but I’m 6 months short -

I’ve also got my brother coming who has also been through shite and would otherwise be alone - someone on here called me a doormat once - I see she is still using this word to describe someone else going through difficult times - I hope someone sees me for who I think I am - either that or I will be in the funny farm!

Thing is, you're getting the shite anyway - how is standing up for yourself and making decisions for your own life really going to make it worse? Doormats get treated like doormats, it doesn't even keep the peace.

How about today you go through just one of those boxes, and start to get that part sorted?

Cross posted

It will make it worse I can guarantee that - I have pretty sharp perception - unless x has had a personality change he can’t cope with kids full time - especially when they are under stress - one of reasons why he probably left - didn’t fit into his picture of perfection

I’m going to go out today boxes can wait - need to get some more Xmas lights!

OP, I definitely don't want to sound harsh because you sound like you are going through a really bloody awful time and I really feel for you. However, I do feel as though you really are being too soft here. I obviously don't know the whole story but if things are that bad, I really don't see how they can get worse. If you start looking after no1 instead of your kids, what's the worst than can happen? Your ex won't have them so its not like they will go and live with him (although that might not be a bad thing as he will see what they are like full time). Give them the choice, they can start helping you and supporting you or move out!! You're the parent here.

Why would it jump from you being walked over to him having the kids fulltime?

Your main fear appears to be "being labelled all sorts" - who by, and why does it matter? If its your ex, time to stop giving a fuck what he says.

I have to give notice on the rent of family home tomorrow - I can’t make it work - 2 months notice takes me to 18 Feb - the house I’m buying is 200 miles away - kids have to live with their father to complete a levels - except he won’t acknowledge emails I send him so I have no idea whether he will take this on - this is making me ill - I can’t discuss something as significant as this with him. I can’t make the money work - I need a fucking miracle!