C&&T!

[greenberet]

Yes another thread about the x!

I have been waiting for someone - kids or X to tell me what the arrangements are over Xmas - kids are with me Xmas Day and normally go to him Boxing Day!

I am pretty much on the verge of a breakdown - the idea of being on my own with nothing to think about, deal with or sort out is getting more and mor appealing!

I have too much on my plate mentally and physically as still recovering from back surgery. The kids have probably too much on too but the help I thought I would get has been pretty much non existent!

Dd disappears for much of the week then wants to know why her washing has not been done - I’m not meant to do washing! Both want to know when I can drive - not because it means I’m on the mend but because they won’t have to keep getting the bus! WE have a bus to stop right outside the front door!

I still cannot do much around the house - get the house ready for Christmas - what a joke! I cannot even depend on the kids getting the boxes out the loft! So I’ve bought a cheap real tree - why did you buy that it looks crap! Waste of money! It’s sitting in a pot in the lounge - it may or may not get decorated!

To add to my own copious amounts of stuff I now have boxes of stuff from my old family home - my DF has just moved - so I have what he couldn’t take with him - my house looks like a bloody junk shop!

I ask Dd if she knows what is happening over Xmas - she tells me she is seeing x this weekend - his contact time - but then not over holidays - I ask why - cos of OW - this will be the 2nd year her father has chosen OW over his own bloody daughter and not seeing her during Xmas.

I don’t know what DS is doing I haven’t asked him yet but he is under stress and not well - I can tell by his behaviour in the mornings - when he swears at anything I know it’s not good.

The kids have a level mocks after Xmas - Ds is already saying 3 weeks of revision! And it suddenly dawned on me why X is awol - He doesn’t want the bloody hassle - so I’m unlikely to get a break - I will have to deal with the moods when my own capacity to function is rock bottom!

It manifests itself in I’m not eating Tesco pizza - Lidl cheese or cheap crumpets! WTF have you done to the dogs hair - he’s had a groom!
I’ve cooked you can wash up - except you have just cooked for yourself so every morning I’m getting up to a kitchen bombsite!

I had lots of things I wanted to do this year - I wanted to make my own door wreath - went on a workshop last year - I had planned things I could do easily - this all ground to a halt after learning the x had reported me to police for harassment - I’m waiting on a visit!

I want to run away or stay in bed - my skin is breaking out in sores again - maybe another trip to dermatology. I need to look at finances to work out if I need to give notice on the rent of the former family home - I’m putting this off because this will put me in a tail spin!

I had previously worked out November im already a month past this. X won’t respond to communication I have sent him re kids and living arrangements so this is not helping - kids don’t want to know either and why should they!

I’m waiting for this bloody karma either that or a miracle - my stars said the other day I’m going to receive a windfall - maybe my premium bonds are going to come up! I need something anything right now could tip me into that black hole!

Can you ring him or will he not pick up the phone?

If he won't then he's going to be surprised when you drop the DC off at his along with their things and that's a good thing.

People will guilt you and play on your kind heart, as long as you allow it.

So what if they say something unkind? It's just manipulation on their part. They'll just sulk and get over it.

WTF did i just read

I don’t think your ex is going to reply to you as things are at the moment given the history of acrimony and his past behaviour. That doesn’t mean he won’t have his children live with him for 3-4 months.

Decision wise if you can’t afford to stay in the local area then you need to tell the children this but I am sure that you have. That is just how it is. Nobody can call fault on this.

Unfortunately it will be down to them to agree living arrangements with their father. This will modtly happen in their final term when there isn’t that much teaching and the focus is exams and revision. They will be able to stay with you for a lot of the time and when exams finish. It’s a few months. Their father just needs to provide food and shelter and you can speak on the phone.

If this isn’t agreed then you need to speak to the school. But you and your ex will end up with social workers involved. But until this happens you need the children to act directly or you need an intermediary.

My mood is shite - struggling to get out of bed and function in any capacity even getting dressed is hit and miss - back to Gp next week and wouldnt be surprised if referred back to MH support or some more counselling

Ds school fees due - contacted x to request he pays next two terms - I’ve paid four - this way we can stay in home til a levels completed - stoney silence from him - what a surprise!

Xmas was pretty shite - just about managed a Xmas dinner with help from my Db - both kids ended up in tears - somehow conversation got round to future living arrangements and hearing it from someone other than me hit home - so much so Dd refused to speak to x when he FaceTimed

Kids both under stress - mocks in a week - got barrage of abuse off DS yesterday when asked him to help me. Still can’t do much back wise - waiting on referral to physio before can get back to yoga and I really miss this!

I’m not surprised my mood is so low thinking about it - I’m shouldering all responsibility for kids - financial & emotional - can’t really rock the boat whilst they have a levels to contend with but not sure how going to get through next 6 months financially - still wait8ng for that fucking miracle.

Need to get selling off some furniture but just cannot motivate myself to do anything - this is what is so fucking frustrating with depression - have loads to do - getting stuff done will help but I cannot get myself out of bed - feel like I have a huge weight holding me down! It’s probably self protection in some way - too numb to feel anything - because the other side is full on panic thinking how the fuck am I going to do this which leads to feelings of cannot cope with all this and looking for a way out!

I’m asking x to pay his Ds school fees ffs! And confirm kids can live with him - continual continual abuse of me and kids by refusing to engage!

It really sounds like you’re having such a shit time. I do think, you’re allowing your Ex too much influence over your life and decisions. Stop contacting him. Not about school fees or living arrangements. Take him out of your mental thought process. Sit the kids down and tell them, “This is where we are. House will be handed back on this date. I am moving to X. You are welcome to come with me, however if you don’t want to you will need to speak to you father about staying with him - and mean it. You cannot control him, or the things he does/doesn’t do you can only change your reaction to it. Stop reacting. Stop contacting him. Children can eat the food you provide or sort their own out. You tell them, “this is how it is. I know it’s shit, it’s shit for me too but we have to get on with it now” and mean it, believe it yourself because it IS utterly shit your life has been turned upside down, but you have to find your new normal. Good Luck

I should have pressed post - I stopped for a minute and have now lost it - the reasons why I m thinking like I am - I have lost all hope - something I was counting on has fallen flat - more not be listened to more not being believed more fighting to justify myself - I am so tired of fighting so tired of not being listened to so tired of people thinking I’m talking rubbish - so I may as we’ll stop

I said about a story I heard this week - a monk choosing not to speak to anyone for 4 years - why would someone choose to do this - what did he get from this - something most of us never experience - they use solitary confinement as punishment - don’t we need to communicate for our mental wellbeing - this is certainly something we are told - but maybe we don’t if it is all shite - my MH is shot to pieces right now - I’ve had about 4 years trying to communicate with people - I said the other day am I talking a different language or what because nobody seems to hear Me -

They see me alright - weird experience this week bumped into solicitor - the one who screwed me over - completely out of context - social function - I missed an opportunity - I should have confronted her and said when are you going to deal with my bloody complaint instead of hiding behind LO - but I played the white man - kept quiet didn’t make a scene - otherwise I would have been carted off as the crazy woman - but this meeting happened for a reason - what have I found - the evidence that she wasn’t dealing with my case as she should have been!

I’ve been fucking let down again - my post that i didnt press send on - getting suicidal thoughts - do away with a step in this game of life and just give the money to the kids now - but my anger has surfaced again - maybe try to get up and fight some more - I need some help - desperately need some help just to make this a little bit easier!

Kids are with x this weekend - Christ knows what shite he will be filling their heads with - he had a row with DD Tuesday - still sulking that she refused to speak to him xmas day - she told him he chooses ow & her family over him - his answer she is invited - she told him to fuck off - when is he going to get it into his fat head that Dd wants nothing to do with OW - they talked some more - Dd is ok now - but he has told her it’s not normal for her to behave how she is - not normal for her to not want to meet OW - FfS ITS HIM THATS NOT NIRMAL! What cunt of a father does this!

I worry for my kids - they are nearly 18 - they don’t get the abuse the manipulation he’s a successful business man I’m an emotional wreck - who would you believe ? There is more shite to come - possibly the biggest disruption yet - and I’m not sure I can stop it - I feel like I missed holding back the dam -I’ve still got my finger in the hole - but when I can’t do this anymore - if I chose to give up - what happens?

I need a holiday - a break - but if I spend on this I will get blamed - everything is always about money - I hate the fucking stuff - poison! So I need to get out of bed - fight for some more poison - because apparently this keeps 3veryone happy!

Alternatively I can just spend the day in bed and not give a fuck - but no time giving a fuck turns into despair and turns inwards and I the night want to do myself in!

I’m hitting send this time - need a fucking record of my screwed up head! This is abuse - still abuse - not fucking sorted like judge woman said - a comment this week on her decision - “it seems strange” no not fucking strange - an error, a mistake, put your mouth where your money is - don’t soften it up because you’re on her side - none of it was softened up for me - MH or no MH - vulnerable or not vulnerable - no not strange a fucking cok up that she woudnt even admit to