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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse?

35 replies

Yoyooyo · 13/12/2018 07:31

Long story short.
I've got a young baby and got diagnosed with postnatal depression. I been struggling to be happy which has worn my partner down to the point we argue.
He calls me a miserable prick, cunt and said he would have my baby if I tried to leave.
I have no where I could go even if I wanted to.
Being called names and being shouted at makes me close up.
I said I don't like him calling me names and he said well stop pushing me to do it.
It is my fault I said his love was so conditionl and he lost it last night. I always say sorry he never does.
He kept wanting me to cuddle up after and now this morning he's back to being passive aggressive before he leaves for work.
I'm so confused. He's really stressed working and doing up our new house so coming home to me being miserable has made everything worse.

OP posts:
lirror · 13/12/2018 07:35

Bloody hell. Yes, it's abuse. You need to get out. Fast. Call Womens
's Aid & start making plans,

Lweji · 13/12/2018 07:36

His name calling and threats are abusive, yes.
If you really have nowhere to go, your local Woman's Aid could probably help.
And whether you move to friends, family, a place found by the council, or a refuge, don't try to leave while he's there.
Get out while he's out.

Lweji · 13/12/2018 07:37

What do you mean he lost it last night?

Original poster
Yoyooyo · 13/12/2018 07:38

I'm so confused. He's normally so loving but when we argue this is what happens. I'm scared because of my depression his family will try to go to court to take my baby. I have no income of my own or a home to provide for my baby where as he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoyooyo · 13/12/2018 07:39

He would never ever hurt my physically by the way. It's always words and way he acts at worst breaks stuff.

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/12/2018 07:43

Don't assume he'll never hurt you.
Breaking stuff is already a bad sign of physical violence.
Babies aren't taken away just like that, unless you're a danger to your child.
Does he work? Does he leave you alone with the baby? If so, then he can't argue that he can't trust you to care for the baby.

Purpleisthenewblue1 · 13/12/2018 07:44

Yes it is Flowers

convertingroom · 13/12/2018 07:50

Yup, sorry

Original poster
Yoyooyo · 13/12/2018 07:52

He works yes. I look after baby but his parents are here so they help out too if needed. I've been having suicidal thoughts that's why I got diagnosed with pnd so I don't have a leg to stand on.

OP posts:
convertingroom · 13/12/2018 07:54

Yes you do.

Call women's aid

PND isn't a reason to be abused

Pandamodium · 13/12/2018 08:02

He will not take your baby. They all say that, it's part of the script. I can well imagine getting rid of him with massively improve your MH.

QuentinWinters · 13/12/2018 08:05

I been struggling to be happy which has worn my partner down to the point we argue.
He is abusive. Maybe you are struggling to be happy because your partner isn't behaving lovingly. You could talk to your health visitor about it? Having children is a high risk time for abuse to start.

Wilma55 · 13/12/2018 08:07

Do you mean you live with his parents or they live with you?

Original poster
Yoyooyo · 13/12/2018 08:09

Sorry we live with them. Moving into a house next year but needs doing up. Nothing in my name though as don't work.

OP posts:
ColdAndSad · 13/12/2018 08:16

He can't take your baby away because you're depressed.

Speak to Women's Aid. They'll help you put together a plan to get away. He's horribly abusive, and you are not safe with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2018 08:19

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. You are being abused here and you are not safe to be around him. You are being fed the all usual lines that abusive men tell their chosen target; it is part of their script to keep you in line.

It is NOT your fault he is like this; you did not make him this way.

cestlavielife · 13/12/2018 08:22

Yes it s,abuse
Tell your gp therapist hv he calls you names and breaks things
They will signpost you to support locally

Original poster
Yoyooyo · 13/12/2018 08:27

I've got the doctors later I think I'm going to tell her. I'mso torn. When we're good it's amazing. It. Really is my fault I'm on antidepressants and they've made me feel worse this week and it's got too much for us. He does everything for me. I don't want to break my family up if this will pass soon.

OP posts:
Musti · 13/12/2018 08:37

Do you have pnd because of him? When my daughter was born I had a mild touch of pnd but in hindsight it was because of the way my ex was treating me.

ShatnersWig · 13/12/2018 08:53

How bad do things have to be for a woman not to recognise this as abuse?

Get out, OP.

convertingroom · 13/12/2018 09:01

Actually when I had prenatal MH problems my ex was the root of a lot with abuse and I remember thinking it was my fault for being such hard work struggling with the anxiety and depression

3 years on he was still bullying and beating me up over it

My MH improved a lot when I left him.

You don't deserve it OP, loving partners support rather than bully people for MH problems

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2018 09:06

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. What you are seeing here is the cycle of abuse. He is trying to break you completely.

It is not your fault you are on anti depressants; your H has worsened any PND because of the ways in which he treats you. He does not do everything for you; he controls you absolutely and this will only get worse for you (and in turn your child).

Original poster
Yoyooyo · 13/12/2018 09:06

Converting room
I just feel exactly that. That it's because of me because if I'm happy things are good.
He tells me I'm hard work all the time. But I am needy and emotional right now and I'm struggling to distinguish between what's normal. Like everyone had arguments from time to time. He would never hurt me psyically and I'm starting to think maybe I'm the abusive one playing the 'victim act' and being self-righteous in my depression. I literally don't know anymore but know I don't want my daughter around shouting and me being called horrible names.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2018 09:16

Converting room

I just feel exactly that. That it's because of me because if I'm happy things are good.

Yoyooyo

You are not hard work; he is and what he is saying to you is projection, what he is saying about you is what he really is. He has decided to conduct his own private based war against you. He is also using your PND to further bash you about with, he is truly despicable.

He is doing the victim act here, not you. He tells you that you drove him to act like this. You did not. This is precisely what abusers tell their target.

He does not have to hit you (yet) to hurt you because what he is doing now is working for him. Emotional abuse also leaves internal scars. He is abusive and he will go onto further destroy your life along with that of your DD. She will grow up around shouting and seeing her mother being called horrible names if you do not leave this man.

Men like this take an awful long time to recover from and your process of recovery will only actually start when you and your DD no longer have him in your day to day lives. Womens Aid can and will help you here as will your GP; start talking to these people and do not keep his abuse of you (and in turn your child) a secret here.

convertingroom · 13/12/2018 09:17

He will hurt you physically. It's only a matter of time

You cannot control his behaviour. You aren't that powerful.

It's up to him, to control his own behaviour- and not be abusive

It's up to you, to control your own behaviour and keep yourself and your baby safe.

Please contact women's aid!

Support for a loved one going through MH problems does not include calling them names, threatening to take away their baby, or breaking things

Doing everything... doesn't cancel out abuse. Babies are hard work. Men have to step up a bit and take the slack sometimes... and a little more pressure if the mum is unwell

No amount of chores gives him the right and reason to abuse you! 💐