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Original poster

Family arguments - keeping everyone happy...

28 replies

Babytuition · 12/12/2018 11:30

Hello all, if am looking to mumsnetter's for a bit of advice (note I am a father, so technically shouldnt be on mumsnet Smile. Basically to cut a long story short there has been a bit of a family feud between my parents & me and my partner, which has made my partner feel attacked and upset by the whole situation.

We were due to go on a Christmas day out in a couple of weekends time, but understandably my partner does not want to go on it. It is our babies first Christmas and the reason I booked it was because i thought it would be nice to spend some time with the grandparents over the Christmas period.

I understand that I need to set more boundaries with my parents as my relationship with them has completely changed since our baby was born. And whilst I am angry and upset with them for how they treated my partner i am quite a forgiving person and want to give them the benefit of the doubt on this (as this is the first time they have ever done anything like this).

This leaves me in a tricky situation because my partner doesn't think i should go, but deep down I want to take him because its his first christmas and because for me I then wouldn't live in regret if anything bad was to happen to them. Also I see this as a mark in the sand and from this point forward I can set new boundaries and redefine the relationship I have with them.

Any help on how to handle this situation and keep everyone happy would be much appreciated....

OP posts:
TeamSpirit · 12/12/2018 11:34

I dont get it?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 12/12/2018 11:35

I think it depends on what has happened. Until we know that, we can't really judge who's unreasonable or anything.

As someone who doesn't get on with their MIL, I understand her not wanting to go and if she isn't happy to go then don't force it. By forcing her to do something she's not comfortable with may actually make it worse.

PositivelyPERF · 12/12/2018 11:39

There are men on Mumsnet, so that’s not an issue.

If your parents have done something shitty to your partner, it’s not up to you to decide if they should be forgiven, it’s up to your partner. Unless your partner is controlling or nasty, then you should be putting her feelings first, or your relationship with her will be adversely affected.

How are you drawing a line in the side, regarding their behaviour, if you’re doing exactly what they wanted in the first place?

We need more details on what they did.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/12/2018 11:40

So your parents have massively overstepped boundaries.
Made your partner and mother your baby upset and treated her badly.
It's yours and your partners 1st Christmas with the baby and you want your partner to spend it with people who have been horrible to her!!???
Is that about right?
Because if it is - then you need to step up and support your partner.
You need to set boundaries firmly in place with your parents before even seeing them again.
And you should not be forcing this meeting on your partner.
Get a back bone.
Have proper words with your parents.
Tell them they had better apologise to your partner or it'll be no contact for your partner and in turn your child (their grandchild).

What did you do at the time?
How far over did they step / trounce on your boundaries?

Joboy · 12/12/2018 11:49

A counsellor once told me when you get married your wife and children have to come 1st .
You have made your family with your partner and child . These must come 1st . Your parents are extra family now . Make your traditions with your family.

RoboticMary · 12/12/2018 11:57

You talk a lot in your OP about your feelings, and what a forgiving person you are, and the guilt you’d feel if something happened to your parents - but it’s really not about you! Your partner shouldn’t be forced into doing something to keep you and your parents happy. Not should you want them to be. I love my DH and adore my parents, but if they ever treated him badly or unkindly I’d be right there on his side.

citychick · 12/12/2018 12:36

I agree with Joboy.
You have established a new family and you must support each other first and foremost. Your wife and child come first.

You need to explain this to your parents. It's a highly emotive time with a new baby and Christmas.

Further, though, is there a way to talk and get things back on track with your parents? Or is there no going back, which is a shame. Life is short and pride often gets in the way of family function.

What would you and your partner like as the outcome of the situation? No contact or friends again?

Boundaries need to be put down, gently but firmly. Many of us have been there. I've had to ask my parents to back off ( politely) on a few occasions. But I laid boundaries so we could all respect each others ways and have a relatively happy extended family.

Original poster
Babytuition · 12/12/2018 13:11

Thank you for all the comments. To add a bit more detail essentially my mum had passed comment about our baby having lots of toys, and that my partner should still let them buy toys too. A couple of weeks later my partner confronted them on it (with my involvement) because she felt like they were questioning her mothering. This subsequently led to an argument where she felt ganged up on by both of my parents.

Subsequently my parents have apologised for what was said, and I genuinely believe that they didn't mean it in the way that it was interpreted. However my partner still doesnt want anything to do with them which is also understandable. I am not saying that I would force her to go, I am just trying to get views on if it is right that me and our baby go or not

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 12/12/2018 13:32

I don't understand. How can the baby have too many toys but your parents want to buy more?

hammeringinmyhead · 12/12/2018 13:36

I ask because my answer depends on whether your partner was being oversensitive, or your parents want to choose the big toys themselves instead of you and your partner.

Original poster
Babytuition · 12/12/2018 13:41

They don't want to choose the big toys, it was more about little toys. We buy him a lot of toys and he has a wide selection. My reflection was that the comment was made as a bit of a joke, but wasnt taken that way

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 12/12/2018 14:19

Only you know your parents and whether it was a general jovial comment like "It looks like an Argos warehouse in here" or whether the background is that they don't like your partner, maybe think she's wasting money, and she's picked up on it.

You have bigger problems than a festive day out - I would probably take him though.

Philomensapie · 12/12/2018 14:21

First of all, bollocks, of course you can be on Mumsnet! Xmas Grin

Philomensapie · 12/12/2018 14:25

DM says things like this, I find it a bit PA, TBH.

peekyboo · 12/12/2018 14:25

So they wanted to buy some extra toys. But because you already bought him enough, you and your partner confronted your parents over their plans and a row broke out?

It makes it sound like a minor request from them was turned into an offence by them.

If this isn't the case, then your partner might be upset by something else. But if it's a fair summary, it sounds like she's ready to be offended.

Did they need to be confronted? Were they incessantly going on about it? Are they pushy?

Or did it turn into a confrontation because no one was able to deal with it as an when comments were made?

Quartz2208 · 12/12/2018 14:36

The problem is here there isnt enough to go on to really see who is being unreasonable

Clearly though you are stuck in the middle - and if that is all I think that you need to say you want to see your parents over Christmas

Musti · 12/12/2018 16:01

That's no reason to fall out. Your parents apologised. Your wife is being unreasonable and you should sit down and talk to her. Make sure that your parents know not to criticise what you as patents do.

RoboticMary · 12/12/2018 16:01

From your second post I’d say it’s your DW who’s the unreasonable one then. She seems to have taken an innocent comment and inferred a lot from it that wasn’t intended. She should be trying for some sort of family harmony though. I commented earlier thinking your parents had said something truly unkind or hurtful. That doesn’t seem to be the case though!

Honestly, my MIL is the most self-absorbed, selfish woman who’s come out with some real shockers. But I still do my best to be polite to her, because I love my DH. If she was genuinely malicious, that would be different.

category12 · 12/12/2018 16:10

Why would you arrange a Christmas day-out with the gps without running it past your partner first, given the history? It's her first Christmas with the baby too.

Original poster
Babytuition · 12/12/2018 16:25

Thank you all for the comments it is very much appreciated. I do think looking back that it was an innocent comment. They have been a bit pushy since baby was born hence and that is why I think the comment might have clouded things with my partner. No ones happy and i was trying to get a bit of advice on how to best keep the peace. Also this was arranged back in August, so it isnt something that has been recently booked.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 12/12/2018 16:53

Pushy how?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 12/12/2018 17:40

If she's happy for you both to go without her then go if not they you'll go or none go.

I don't like days out with my Mil but I'm always happy for DH and DD to go to her house and do these things.

JK1773 · 12/12/2018 18:28

Whatever has happened you cannot leave your DP alone on Xmas day and spend it with your parents and child. It’s the first Christmas. Can’t you take little one to see you parents for an hour or two in the morning? Don’t force your parents on your partner. Whoever was to blame, your partner needs some space. Pushing them all together on such a high pressure day won’t work at all. Given some space and time I’m sure this will sort itself out

Lunde · 12/12/2018 18:37

How have they been pushy?

Is it possible that the PA toy comment was more of a final straw for your DW if she has been putting up with months of boundary trampling?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 12/12/2018 18:40

@JK1773 I don't think they're going on Christmas day. It's just a Christmas themed day out one weeks over the holidays.