Ongoing porn issue

[whatnext65]

To start with I don't want to hear "all men view porn", this is not about the rights and wrongs it's about the damage to our marriage.

DH has been distant (again!) rejecting any physical interaction between us, unwilling to discuss this and being cold. No sex for a number of weeks.

Anyway we were going out the other day and he forgot his phone, I was still in the house and picked it up for him. A text came through from some sort of porn site. I looked and images etc on his phone. I "challenged" him about this saying how I felt rejected and upset that his sex Drive was sufficient for "me" time but didn't extend to including me. He went beserk at me, shouting, carrying on and in the end reduced me to tears and then he got angry because I was crying.

He then wouldn't talk to me, this went on for a few days. I've just started a new job so I found it really stressful. We also had planned a Sunday lunch with his family and this was fast approaching. I also hate an atmosphere in the house for the children's sake.

So Friday evening came and I said nicely, can we talk ..... no he didn't feel like it!

Saturday morning, I again tried ..... no he was tired!

Sunday morning, we were in bed and again I tried and he got really angry and said "why can't you leave it". He then said you won't even let me rest I'm going downstairs. I said don't worry I'll go, you stay in bed.

I walked across the room, my hand was on the door handle and he got up out of bed, pushed between me and the door and waved his phone in my face and said want to look at the new pictures.

To my horror and I know it's wrong I tried very hard to grab the phone and had every intention of throwing it across the room! I saw red, completely!

He then went downstairs and I stayed upstairs, at that point I decided I would not be going to the lunch, I'd been crying was feeling awful and just couldn't sit with him.

I got up, went shopping came back and he suddenly turned into mr nice guy, saying come with me and he was sorry. I said no I wouldn't be going I didn't feel up to it and needed time on my own to think about things. He then said "well I'll tell everyone you couldn't be bothered", I reminded him that I had the email trail and everyone's email and threatened that if he criticised me I would tell them all the truth (I would never do it, but couldn't let him blame me).

So he went, he came back and since then has been begging forgiveness and he now wants to talk. He reckons that he'd cleared the phone and wanted me to see that nothing was there, but why say what he did then?

I feel so exhausted and need to decide what to do, I don't want to live in a sexless marriage and if he does he needs to be honest and let me decide from then what I do.

I just don't know what to say to him and how to deal with this. I cannot believe that I fully intended to smash a phone! I don't want to be that sort of person, it's not me but I felt so ridiculed and I'm so hurt.

I'd love to save my marriage, but I feel so empty right now. I don't know what to say to him, I can barely look at him at the moment. And yes I do know I was also wrong.

Tell me what to say or do please!

Sorry, that was long!

And I've NC!

Naice ham, penis beaker, cancel the cheque!

Sorry to add, when he pushed between me and the door it was aggressively. I had just asked calmly to talk and he was angry at that. He didn't do the phone thing to allay my worries.

No advice sorry but he sounds like a right shitbag.

OP he sounds awful. What are you getting out of this marriage?

I'm actually not sure what I'm getting out of the marriage truthfully!!

Although I don't feel at a place to leave either at the moment!

I keep rerunning the whole thing in my head and I feel so humiliated!

If he was honest and said he didn't see me as a wife anymore and we could talk rationally then I'd be able to deal with it. But the thought of separating he doesn't want. But in the meantime I'm in a half relationship.

This sounds absolutely awful I probably would have reacted the exact same way as you. I don't have any advice other than really taking time to evaluate what you get from this relationship.

He sounds terrible, and extremely nasty.

Either he sees somebody about his porn addiction, or he’s out.
It’s not you, OP, it’s him. I’m so sorry :(

Eeeew, dirty creep, he expects you to go without any affection, no intimacy and flaunts his porn use under your nose and wants you to STFU about it; nah sorry you need to show this bully you are not playing along; he treats you really badly OP; he needs a good fucken shock, preferably a boot up his arse; he's verbally and physically abusive, not normal, i hope you have a good friend you can confide in about what he is doing to you.

He's suiting himself btw OP, and don't be surprise if he's doing god knows what behind your back, including a plan to leave himself, you need to toughen up here and stop going along with his way of things.

I think the viewing of Porn is not the problem here and whether he watches it or not on a private level, I deem would be the same as my partner telling my hubby telling me what I could watch or speak to.
I think the issue here is the lack of intimacy between you both. He needs to tell you what the situation (what worries / problems he has). He may have been embarrassed and thought he could worm his way out of it but now he sees how serious you are he has changed his tune. I can understand your anger but if he doesn't feel safe to speak then he may just say what he thinks you want to hear.
Once you are feeling better you need to allow him to be open without judgement. Then you can make a decision if this relation is worth saving

@Cheeseandwin5 sorry but I e tried taking countless times!

I don't need to let him open up, I've tried that and look what I got! A phone stuffed in my face and threats if I didn't conform to his wishes.

I already feel humiliated and I don't know what else to say to him, by that I don't mean how to make him feel better I mean to make me feel better.

He just says "sorry" it won't happen again, whilst I don't want the marriage to fail I also don't want to become a downtrodden "house mate".

I cannot encourage him to talk......I've tried and it really bloody hurt and now I don't know what to do. I can't let him talk openly at the moment as I said I can barely look at him, that's how much he's hurt me.

Your husband doesn't want to have sex with you, and talks to you like crap.

Porn is not the issue here.

How long have you 2 been married? Before DH became distant, were you two able to have open honest communication before?

It doesn't matter if he watches porn, but his behaviour linked to it is disgusting. I would have thrown his bloody phone down the toilet.

@toddman70 been married 22 years, together 26.

Yes we've been able to communicate but he's often gone off sex. He always seemed to withdraw physical contact as a weapon against me, or that's how it seemed.

I honestly would've welcomed a sit down and talk. I would've listened and tried to help or accepted if the relationship was ended!

Now I just can't be opening up to how I feel, I can't tell him, he clearly doesn't care and I'm just opening myself up to feel worse in the long run.

I don't want a relationship which is verging on physical violence, I've never wanted that type of relationship.

@Bombardier25966 no I don't think it is, those were hard words but ones that I think are likely true.

I think unfortunately for some men watching loads of porn makes them resent their partner for not doing fantasy porn sex so they then don't want what's on offer.
My porn habit ex wasn't not having sex with me but he was very critical of my "performance" and it's only since meeting a new partner I've fully appreciated that it wasn't me being a prude/vanilla etc, it was him being a porn hound
Also for some men too much porn leads to erection issues and "death grip" - could be he has something like that and is avoiding sex in case he can't perform.
It sucks. Porn is vile imo and I hate that we can't discuss the damage it does to some relationships.
Anyway. He needs help, it's not you it's him

It sounds like he is making discussions impossible and you can't live like that. If you have tried to make him feel wanted etc. and still acting this way, then he is making your decision easier; get out the marriage asap. If he begs for forgiveness, councelling is the way forward. Good luck and I hope you find someone who deserves you should you leave, he sounds like an abusive prick. Xxx

@Ragaroo you're right, he is making discussions impossible, or was and is now "willing" to talk, sadly I've no words to know what to say.

I suppose I could as previous PP said tell him to get help and then come back to me?

He is too embarrassed to talk to you like an adult. Could you try texting him exactly how he makes you feel so that you can get it off your chest and allow it to sink in to him while you are not around?

@Linziepie maybe I could write a letter? I've so much to say in one way and no words to say to him! I'm very confused as you can tell. I suppose it's only been a couple of days and I'm still in a sort of state of shock with it all?

I'm not sure about embarrassed, he seemed genuinely to believe I shouldn't have an opinion and that I was wrong?

Op maybe him coming across as bloshy and saying you have no right to an opinion on his porn habits could be just a way of deflecting some of the embarrassment he felt when you found out?

I don't want to come across as defending him here, I'm not and there is no justification for aggressively getting between you and the door whilst waving the phone at you.

The text or writing a letter sounds like a good idea, it will give you a chance to reread your thoughts and help you come to a decision if you want to stay in this marriage or not. Best of luck.

@AndSheWas85, thank you.

I suppose I'm hurting a lot at the moment and feeling a bit "attacked" by him. I honestly was willing to talk and listen but I'm a bit scared also. I don't want to ever feel like I did on Sunday. Those actions were out of character for me and I didn't like them and I'm not proud of them.

It's very early days and I've not slept very well since it happened.

He even tried to instigate sex last night, but I just couldn't do it and ended up a bit upset, it's been what I've wanted and now I don't want it....... madness!

what a massive cunt he is. More interested in sleazy wanking over his rape pics than he is in his actual partner, who he speaks to like shit, humiliates and neglects.

The couldn't do it makes sense. Your emotions are a mess right now. How could you feel at peace and loved and be able to. The letter is a great idea, it worked in my marriage many moons ago. It frees you up to "say' what's on your mind without interruptions, and it will allow your DH an opportunity to read it. My I suggest, if you do write a letter, leave it where he will find it, let him read it on his timing. He is probably embarrassed/ ashamed by his behavior the other day with you in the bedroom with the phone and door (if not, that is a different issue entirely).