To start with I don't want to hear "all men view porn", this is not about the rights and wrongs it's about the damage to our marriage.
DH has been distant (again!) rejecting any physical interaction between us, unwilling to discuss this and being cold. No sex for a number of weeks.
Anyway we were going out the other day and he forgot his phone, I was still in the house and picked it up for him. A text came through from some sort of porn site. I looked and images etc on his phone. I "challenged" him about this saying how I felt rejected and upset that his sex Drive was sufficient for "me" time but didn't extend to including me. He went beserk at me, shouting, carrying on and in the end reduced me to tears and then he got angry because I was crying.
He then wouldn't talk to me, this went on for a few days. I've just started a new job so I found it really stressful. We also had planned a Sunday lunch with his family and this was fast approaching. I also hate an atmosphere in the house for the children's sake.
So Friday evening came and I said nicely, can we talk ..... no he didn't feel like it!
Saturday morning, I again tried ..... no he was tired!
Sunday morning, we were in bed and again I tried and he got really angry and said "why can't you leave it". He then said you won't even let me rest I'm going downstairs. I said don't worry I'll go, you stay in bed.
I walked across the room, my hand was on the door handle and he got up out of bed, pushed between me and the door and waved his phone in my face and said want to look at the new pictures.
To my horror and I know it's wrong I tried very hard to grab the phone and had every intention of throwing it across the room! I saw red, completely!
He then went downstairs and I stayed upstairs, at that point I decided I would not be going to the lunch, I'd been crying was feeling awful and just couldn't sit with him.
I got up, went shopping came back and he suddenly turned into mr nice guy, saying come with me and he was sorry. I said no I wouldn't be going I didn't feel up to it and needed time on my own to think about things. He then said "well I'll tell everyone you couldn't be bothered", I reminded him that I had the email trail and everyone's email and threatened that if he criticised me I would tell them all the truth (I would never do it, but couldn't let him blame me).
So he went, he came back and since then has been begging forgiveness and he now wants to talk. He reckons that he'd cleared the phone and wanted me to see that nothing was there, but why say what he did then?
I feel so exhausted and need to decide what to do, I don't want to live in a sexless marriage and if he does he needs to be honest and let me decide from then what I do.
I just don't know what to say to him and how to deal with this. I cannot believe that I fully intended to smash a phone! I don't want to be that sort of person, it's not me but I felt so ridiculed and I'm so hurt.
I'd love to save my marriage, but I feel so empty right now. I don't know what to say to him, I can barely look at him at the moment. And yes I do know I was also wrong.
Tell me what to say or do please!