Long story(sorry!) I'm 52, and a full time househusband, my wife is 39. We met 13 years ago while we were both working in overseas and fell in love. Ten years ago we married and all seemed great, later that year we decided it was the right time to try for children. We had a discussion and because her job was more interesting and allowed for the option of travelling and living abroad, we decided that she should continue working and I would look after the child (as and when they came).
Unfortunately we discovered that wasn't going to be so easy as we thought. After six 8 months of trying handstands and everything else we could think of we took some advice from our GP and referred us to an IVF clinic. To cut a long story slightly shorter, 4 years, 3 attempts at IUI and 6 full IVF treatments including a blighted ovum and a heartbreaking anencephaly pregnancy/termination (learned a lot in the process, last attempt told we should consider giving up as wasn't going to happen - more like we were negatively effecting their success rates!).
Amazingly on the last attempt (we had run out of our own money and the bank of Mum and Dad!) it worked, two blue lines on the test. though the stress wasn't all over. Our beautiful son was born at 27 weeks (1kg), he spent two months in NICU and came out small but healthy (fantastic support - and we were the lucky ones). We knew that based on past performance we couldn't leave it long before going for another one, for us it was never going to be the case of just ordering one. We couldn't believe our luck, next round of IVF and two blue line on the stick!!
This time it was relatively smooth, we had to have a caesarean but after what we had been though, that was the least of our worries. In February 2016 we had a beautiful little girl. We were a family of four and in a loving relationship.....
But then the physical side totally stopped, sex had always been on a more "practical" basis. Penetrative sex was possible with some help but always painful, something I hated so rarely pursued that option. I always had to initiate any form of physical intimacy, though semi reluctant, my wife always seemed to like the results. In our relationship I've always been the romantic one, I love buying flowers, leaving notes and gifts in her lunchbox (which I would make), knowing they would bring a smile to her face later at work. I'm the one that loves chick flick and often ends up in tears. I came from a broken home, father left when I was 7 after years of parents arguing, as a result I know that being shown love and affection is massively important to most people. I always looked for ways of showing her how much I love her and do the same with my children. You show a child love and it lasts, it's past from generation to generation. My wife's family are not the same, I have never witnessed and sign of affection between her parents and I think it reflects in my wife's inability to show affection, be romantic or empathise to my physical or emotional needs.
Sorry, this short story is getting very long, and this is the concise version! the upshot is that after 13 years of always having to instigate physical relations and some heated discussion along the way, my wife has now said that she doesn't want any sexual contact. At 52 I'm not that old, still have needs. Most importantly to me I have lost a way of showing her that I love her, that she is still a beautiful women and totally desirable. Not that it's ever crossed my mind to look elsewhere but I've been told I'm not allowed to satisfy me needs elsewhere, Can't play at home, can't play away. All that I'm allowed to do is to sort things out myself in the privacy of the bathroom. Masterbation is a wonderful thing and resorted to by most men and women to supplement their sexual needs, but for it to be told that it is a permanent replacement I find degrading and humiliating, but she can't see that. I'm not sure I can live with just self-service for the next 20+ years.
It's hard not to interpret these actions as, I don't love you any more or I don't find you attractive (I'm 1.83 or 6 feet tall and 79Kg and a BMI of 23, so not overweight). I've never wanted to stray, just a helping hand in the bedroom once or twice a month would be sufficient and I'll do the rest. But to be told thats it, you sex life is over is hard to take. I have to stress for me it's as much about losing the emotional connection you have in the bedroom, not just the physical side (though you ideally need both to make it work!). I don't want to be made to feel like a rapist or a pervert just for wanting to be close to my wife.
My problem is, I'm being torn apart. If it were just the two of us I would say "you don't love me" and walk away. But it's not that simple, we have two wonderful kids we both worked very hard to get.
Coming from a broken home I know that leaving would tear them apart, seeing them once a week or a fortnight confuse things and is fraught with animosity on all sides. staying and arguing is just as bad. I've though of ending it all as they are only 3 and 5 and they would forget me and hopefully go on to have a great life. I know this option is fraught with danger...........there is no right decision or outcome here. Does anyone out there really live in a loveless marriage, without emotion or affection and manage to call it successful. At the moment all options are on the table, I just am struggling to see a viable future whichever option I take.
I still love my wife so much but it's not reciprocated (I'm often left feeling she got the children she wanted, was it a marriage of convenience for her, now sod off). I probably know thats not true, but it feels that way), this can't be unique to me.......Help, thoughts, comments or suggestions welcome!!!