I am losing it with DH.

[Sumadoo]

I have a 7 month old baby and a 5 year old. I have coped really well with 2 children until around 4 weeks ago when the 5 year old became distressingly ill. She is undergoing further tests but I'm really not coping well with DH and his lack of responsibility at home.
He has a high pressure job so struggles to switch off but I'm now buckling under the load at home. He seemingly walks around with his head in the clouds and I just don't think this is fair. I am shouting at him and saying nasty things as I just feel everything is on me.

In the last week he has:

*Offered to cook dinner one night but forgotten to make something for the baby (completely forgot he is also now on 3 meals a day) so I had to leave my meal to go cold and make something for him after DH had offered to relieve some of the load by cooking a family meal! The meal he made wasn't suitable for the 7 month old to eat (spicy).

• As I BF, DH usually puts the 5 year old to bed after I read stories. This includes administering her inhaler before bed. Last night however she needed it during the night and I went to give it to her and it had completely run out. I asked DH why he hadnt told me so that I could get another and asked when it had run out, he tells me "2 weeks ago."

*On the morning last week we had to leave 30 minutes earlier than usual and we were running late, DH decides its a good idea to begin emptying the dishwasher and looking for a magazine he had lost 5 minutes before leaving the house rather than helping us get out the house on time

*the 7 month old has started crawling so I have moved all small, chokable toys upstairs to 5 year old's room. We also had a big chat about small toys and babies and why they would need to stay upstairs with 5 year old. DH watched me move them all. Then Yesterday morning before school, DH carried some of the small toys back downstairs for her to play with and left them there. He says he "forgot" they were to stay upstairs.

These are just some examples but I feel hes completely taking the piss and leaving all the important stuff to me at home. Hes just not with it at all. Letting him take on some of the load causes me further problems as he doesnt follow through or do a proper job.

I have turned into a complete psycho and I am yelling at him constantly since the 5 year old became ill. Im organising and attending all the appointments, BFing our 7 month old and taking full responsibility for weaning and trying to prepare for christmas whilst he saunters around sabotaging the decisions and rules I make at home.

I can not go on shouting like this and being nasty to DH, but how do I cope with this man whilst there is so much going on??

Oh no Sumadoo. Sounds so stressful for you. He isn't on the same page as you at all is he. The only thing for it would be to show him what you have said here or write a list of things that are going on that you need him to start doing. I hope he starts taking responsibility for things soon.

Some of that stuff is relatively trivial, but leaving her for a fortnight without an inhaler is a level of neglect that Social Care would be interested in. Jesus. Sorry. I'm not sure how you come back from that. I think you would have been justified in asking him to leave for a few days after that.
Clearly shouting isn't working. Maybe try an icy-calm, very quiet conversation instead? You need to know what you want him to do, what your deal-breakers are, and what you are prepared to do if he doesn't shape up.

I know someone said some of your points were 'trivial' but they aren't trivial if it is the same things happening constantly.

The inhaler incident is unforgivable.

Sounds like your a single mother.

Why did you end up making the baby's food?

If you're constantly fixing his mistakes, you need to stop and make him fix them. So he gets up from the dinner table and makes the missing meal. He has to order and collect the inhaler. He has to carry back all the small toys. Etc etc.

To be clear, I meant relatively trivial when compared to the inhaler incident. Sorry. I'm not trying to suggest op should put up with that crap either.

I agee with category. Why didnt he go and make a meal for the baby? It sounds like he is making your daily life harder work.

Dont fix his sloppiness.

Yy to why did you make the food. If he said hed do dinner and forgot to make the baby something then why did you jumo and make something and let yoir dinner go cold? He should have done it.
If you make decision for toys to go upstairs why cant he find the space to put them?
It sounds shit but I think a good chat and you changing the behaviour of yourself might make him start changing too.

I feel for you. It sounds crap and stressful. However, I don't think you're fair to say he just 'saunters around' when he has a high pressure job. You have been able to throw yourself full time into the childcare and he hasn't. yYou jump in and rescue him and then are a martyr about it. No wonder he doesn't get more involved.
Having said all that, YOU are in the right!! and it's his behaviour that is unacceptable but you are fostering it. You both need to work together. You need to have a conversation that isn't a rant or a competition about whose life is harder. You both need each other. You are a family.

I completely understand you losing it with him OP, and not wanting to be the person that shouts and takes responsibility for everything. It's not fair and it's as if you have 3 children rather than 2.
He has a high pressure job so he's obviously capable of taking responsibility. Why is he not taking things at home seriously? Have you talked about it when you're both calm? Does he understand what this situation is doing to you?
Having a child that's not well can knock you down on its own. Take care OP.

He's tuning out. When you speak, he's not listening. When you ask him to do something he agrees, but he's already thinking about something else. He's in his world. And you're in yours.
If you want any serious, meaningful and realistic progress, then you need to change the rules of engagement.
You say your DH a high pressure job so maybe, he's a high earner? If so, then stop managing everything and delegate.
Get a cleaner, hire a part time nanny to give you some 'me time'. Send the weekly wash to a laundry - it comes back ironed from some places you know!.
By changing the rules of engagement you are effectively solving most of the problems expressed.
You can't change your husband OP.
You can't change anyone.
You can only change the way you react and respond.

The situation sounds toxic. Not the extreme end of toxic but it is there nonetheless. As it stands I don’t see it changing and sinking into the blame game is going to make it worse for all of you. The inhaler incident shows how dangerous it can become.

Objectively, what happened is a joint responsibility because you are both parents. From the outside I would say there were two parents, one didn’t know that the inhaler needed replacing, the other did but either forgot, didn’t realise the importance or was too scared to mention it. That’s not a safe parenting dynamic after 5 years. But blaming each other won’t fix it.

I think you want him to become a better parent. But the behaviour you describe on both sides mean it is not going to happen. He does not appear to present in home life. He is doing tasks but not thinking them through. A high pressure job explains some but not all of that. He is capable so there are other reasons. These include an environment full of stress. One were he is being shouted at and having things done for him. Not out of care but to demonstrate how he has failed. Nobody learns or improves in that atmosphere. They check out.

Maybe separation is the next step for you both. Counselling would certainly help. It can’t go on like this.

Wtf - how could he have not told you about the inhaler? Has your dd got any worse over the ages couple of weeks .?

She has been surprisingly ok, but as soon as she develops a cold, she needs it 4 times a day. She developed a cold and there was no inhaler 😓
We have talked SO many times over the years about DH's sloppiness, but since DD has been poorly, my tolerance levels jave hit an all time low and I am shouting and telling him to leave on a daily basis.
I am starting to wonder if separation would be easier as atleast I know what has been done ajd what hasnt even if it is all left to me. I am reacting unreasonably at times but I have reached the end of my tether with all of these "little" things that keep on happening. I am drained.
He needs persistent reminders on when/how to.do things and I think its selfish and lazy.
My parents think I have developed PND in the last few weeks which is possible. I kuat feel so busy all the time and always on high alert because nobody else is.

The reason I fixed the baby's meal is because its easier for me! He has no idea what to feed him! I have since made a list and pinned it to the fridge and left him to.cook for him over the weekend to 'practice.' We have books on blw around the house too, its not as if he can't google either to find out what he eats at this age, but it never enters his head to do so.

He works very hard but never switches off.

My husband is self
Employed and we have kind of agreed than in order for me to stay at home - Which is what we both want - I basically
Operate as a single mother until he is not working and then I still take the lead! I get things done my way because he doesn't do them properly and he gets to earn the money to make everything else happen. I've been in some dark places and also hated him for periods since the kids were born ( now 1 and 3) but it just really fucking hard work and despite what people may think men do not have innate instinct to look after children the way we do, especially not when they dip in and out in this way.
The inhaler thing is obvs a problem and he's a dick for it ....but don't split up your family as I'd say the rest is fairly standard shit in a busy stressful household especially with an ill child:
Be kind to yourself, mentally write him out of it and you'll find you get on much better with lower expectations - just for now. Until things become more manageable in any sense. ( for you, not for him! It's a battle you won't sort in the short term)
Deal with it another time in a few weeks or months.
If you can find help of any sort then do it. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do for you and let him do what he wants, hating him won't change anything xxx

Get yourself down to the gp regarding the PND, make yourself a priority there.

I agree a lot with "men don't have the innate instinct to look after children."

I hired a cleaner a couple of years ago, there was noway I was dealing with that responsibility on top of family life. The way I see it, he doesn't have to clean his work environment whilst working in it, do why should I? He tells me we can't afford her anymore but there is noway he is leaving that to me on top of everything else.

I keep on telling myself to expect nothing of him. But I genuinely think this would be easier if we didn't live together as atleast I would have a day or 2 completely 'off' each week whilst he had the DCs.

At the moment, I'm overseeing everything, fixing his mistakes and getting no breaks.

Well if he doesnt think it's affordable for a cleaner then when is he going to start cleaning?

OP something has to give here and eventually it will. Whether that is him checking out by virtue of an affair or a hobby or you being pushed to the limit. Please take control of the situation which is now controlling you and him.

Right now, and perhaps for ever, his focus is not parenting in the way you want. You are responding with what would be described in the workplace as bullying behaviour. I know that sounds harsh and isn’t how you want to be. However you are in vicious cycle. He is a slacker parent, you get frustrated and shout/take over, he slacks off a little bit more. Reset and restart but each time you both feel a bit more justified in how you are each behaving.

It’s coming to a head because whilst you could cope with one healthy child, it’s not possible with two kids one who is an infant and one who is unwell. He needs to find the head space to engage with his parenting responsibilities. You probably need the head space to get some off parenting time.

Separation could achieve it or you could both agree to get help. Doing nothing is at best going to make you all unhappy but could result in I’ll health or a harmful mistake (the inhaler).

Actually in a workplace if OP’s DH was doing what he does at home eg not completing tasks within deadlines, not doing what is required of his role, forgetting to update essential information/fulfil important orders. He’d be facing a disciplinary and looing at being dismissed.

OP isn’t bullying she’s at the end of her tether.

But OP you do need to stop enabling his ineptitude and make him sort out his own messes. As you said he can google baby’s dinner recipes and he can order dd’s Inhalers and pick them up & he can tidy the toys up and take them back upstairs.

I’d also utterly refuse to lose the cleaner!

How long have you 2 been a couple and how long have you 2 been married?

Put your dh to one side for a moment and look after ‘you’ get yourself to the gp, can you hire a cleaner, someone to iron or at least help in some way, can you get some time on your own, baby sitters family or friends. Sounds like you need a break.

Re your dh, stop picking up his mistakes, let his dinner go cold. Write down a schedule of who does what and when (should be 50/50 when he’s at home) and do not do it for him. If he’s got a high powered job he’s obviously not thick and an intelligent bloke. He needs to start acting like it.

despite what people may think men do not have innate instinct to look after children the way we do,

No. I’m sorry, but this is massively sexist. Women may be better conditioned to care for children and often become the default primary carer in the early maternity leave period but they are not all innately better carers. Men who want to do this work and value this work are just as competent as women.

Unfortunately OP’s DH is not one of these men. He is delegating to you because he wants to and because he can not because his sex makes him incapable.

I cant say anything to make this better OP. The father of my nearly 8 month old ds was exactly like this. I made the decision i couldnt live with him. Its easier on my own. Im not suggesting this as a solution for you as they were other issues with my ex too but ive been there and its SO frustrating. Sending you hugs

Stop. Just stop.
Stop doing everything all the time and concentrate in the bare minimum. The stuff that is really important. The health of your 5yo, weaning the baby, maybe the clothes for your dcs and yourself.

The rest, the cleaning etc... let it be. Give that responsibility to your dh (he can then decide if you can or can’t afford a cleaner...). Don’t do any of it and let him fail and then have to sort something out to recover the mess.