I am losing it with DH.

[Sumadoo]

I have a 7 month old baby and a 5 year old. I have coped really well with 2 children until around 4 weeks ago when the 5 year old became distressingly ill. She is undergoing further tests but I'm really not coping well with DH and his lack of responsibility at home.
He has a high pressure job so struggles to switch off but I'm now buckling under the load at home. He seemingly walks around with his head in the clouds and I just don't think this is fair. I am shouting at him and saying nasty things as I just feel everything is on me.

In the last week he has:

*Offered to cook dinner one night but forgotten to make something for the baby (completely forgot he is also now on 3 meals a day) so I had to leave my meal to go cold and make something for him after DH had offered to relieve some of the load by cooking a family meal! The meal he made wasn't suitable for the 7 month old to eat (spicy).

• As I BF, DH usually puts the 5 year old to bed after I read stories. This includes administering her inhaler before bed. Last night however she needed it during the night and I went to give it to her and it had completely run out. I asked DH why he hadnt told me so that I could get another and asked when it had run out, he tells me "2 weeks ago."

*On the morning last week we had to leave 30 minutes earlier than usual and we were running late, DH decides its a good idea to begin emptying the dishwasher and looking for a magazine he had lost 5 minutes before leaving the house rather than helping us get out the house on time

*the 7 month old has started crawling so I have moved all small, chokable toys upstairs to 5 year old's room. We also had a big chat about small toys and babies and why they would need to stay upstairs with 5 year old. DH watched me move them all. Then Yesterday morning before school, DH carried some of the small toys back downstairs for her to play with and left them there. He says he "forgot" they were to stay upstairs.

These are just some examples but I feel hes completely taking the piss and leaving all the important stuff to me at home. Hes just not with it at all. Letting him take on some of the load causes me further problems as he doesnt follow through or do a proper job.

I have turned into a complete psycho and I am yelling at him constantly since the 5 year old became ill. Im organising and attending all the appointments, BFing our 7 month old and taking full responsibility for weaning and trying to prepare for christmas whilst he saunters around sabotaging the decisions and rules I make at home.

I can not go on shouting like this and being nasty to DH, but how do I cope with this man whilst there is so much going on??

I agree a lot with "men don't have the innate instinct to look after children.
I fully disagree with that.
Being a man doesn’t mean you don’t realise that hav8ng no inhaler is putting your child’s life at risk.
Being am man doesn’t mean you can’t remember you have a baby and that the baby needs to eat too (and no a 7 month old doesn’t eat spicy food either)

That’s nothing to do with being a man. But everything to do with being lazy and not caring at all for his own children/family.

I would tell him btw. In a very assertive way. He endangered his own dd’s Life by nit ensuring that inhaler was renewed. He risked her life. He needs to be told very squarely about that. That his ‘head I the cloud attitude’ is making HIM a danger.
Maybe that will hit home more than you having a go at him

I don't know if this is relevant to you, OP - and apologies if it isn't, but this rang some bells with me. My DP is dyspraxic and cannot remember to do anything, unless it is a learned, established routine. He often doesn't hear something important because he's 'tuned out'. The mental load has always been on me for this reason, and it is very hard, especially since we had children. This caused many arguments for us until we worked out he wasn't being an thoughtless arsehole - he genuinely couldn't remember. Then other things - such as his inability to drive and swim - clicked into place. We now have a whiteboard with the things he needs to remember on, and reminders taped to the cot, front door and cupboards plus a shared diary with reminders set for him. Of course if this isn't your issue, I'm not suggesting you enable him by adding his organisation to your workload, but I'm just mentioning it in case useful.

Dear OP,

I had this too with my DH. I ended up with PND. Please go and get yourself checked out with the GP and sort your mental health, then you will be fit to deal with DH. I nearly ended my marriage in a situation exactly like yours but when I sorted my own issues out I then moved on to sorting our relationship. BTW, like LuciaJane, my DH has dyspraxia and was only diagnosed when DS1 was - so that explained the carelessness, but did not help me cope!!!!

Please look after yourself and your health, then sort out rules for the house, do not give up the cleaner (I have this issue too) and plan how you can negotiate your lives together, or apart, for the sake of all of your health and wellbeing.

Sending you hugs.

There used to be an attitude where husbands used to think that wives 'just' have to do household chores and look after the kids. As if both these things weren't full time jobs in themselves. Sadly this attitude seems to prevail. Saying that whilst you are shouting at him about how hard your day is, how was his day. Do you even ask him?
If you ask him to do something and he does it , but differently to how you want will you still get angry and/or redo it? If so there is little surprise why he feels under siege. There are some things that are a priority, the safety and health of your kids, but there are something's you need to relax on and stop being a control freak about.

This guy is in a high pressure job. I doubt that he can afford to be that careless at work.
If he can avoid that at work, he can do so at home too, regardless of a diagnosis or not.

My H has a diagnosis too. I used it too much to explain his bad behaviour away. Having a SN, whatever that is, isn’t a get out of jail card to stop caring about people around you.

I also object to the “innate” comment about men.

I’ve always done (far) more than my fair share around the house and looking after DC (my own and now step DC too). That includes the “mental load” of arranging haircuts, Drs, dentists, bill paying etc.

I’ve known plenty of single men who’ve looked after themselves more than adequately without a woman following on behind them. And I know plenty of women who are utterly shit at keeping a household together (I used to be married to one as well).

sorry but are you working? if he is working full time and you are not he is under pressure to bring the money in

he will probably just not comprehend how stressed you are and so i think it's important to talk and use it as an opportunity to ask him about his stress levels as well as express yours to him. this way he will be more inclined to listen.

use the chat to come up with a plan you can both agree on to help you. Work as a team not against each other

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-41

We've talked LOADS about this kind of stuff. He knows I'm stressed, I have expressed exactly what I need of him. We have family calendars/ set routunes etc but it works for s short time then drops off. I even wrote our routine out on a whiteboard at one point but he stopped following the routine.
Leaving him to do more of the housework only means one thing: it won't get done. He would happily live in filth. He is great in the mornings however. He has managed to form a habit of dressing the DCs, preparing breakfast and emptying the dishwasher. Its the stuff that's not part of his daily habit that he doesnt appear to adapt to or act upon.

Sumadoo I’ve had the same issue with H not oulling his weight up.
The difference was that I was the ken who was ill so I physically couldn’t do a lot of things.
Yes somestuff was left and not done. I’ve just learnt to let some of the things go.
But the things that really mattered to him? Like eating a nice warm meal in the evening, having clean clothes ironed on Monday morning for the rest if the week? I bet they were done because they mattered to him.

If you start with the idea that noth8ng will ever get done, you are likely to step in. Don’t.
It’s hard not to do so. You often want to do things or correct the way he is doing things (I did and still do!) but in the long run, when it’s becoming clear that you will not do xxx, th8ngs fall into place.

In these conversations, what does he say about his failure/inability to step up? Does he agree he's letting you down?

It doesn't sound like he's all that sympathetic if he thinks you should be doing the cleaning as well?

1. Get yourself to the GP. You are going to make yourself ill otherwise; really ill.
2. In-depth chat but focusing on how he feels about things like completely omitting to tell you about DDs inhaler. Genuine remorse is palpable. No remorse means you have a lost cause.

If he is truly remorseful it may be worth examining the dyspraxia route but meantime as a PP suggests, signs, lists etc everywhere. Like looking after a third kid - fucking cosmic.

But if there’s nothing there; whether no concept or no fucks you have a serious problem and perhaps a discussion about separation is needed, even if it is temporary.

Can I also ask what are his typical hours?

He sounds lazy but doesn't sound like anything that needs to be 'screamed and sworn at for' really does it ?? Other than the inhaler....

Oh OP it does sound like you have PND. Please get yourself to the GP and get some help.

In the midst of PND I also felt like leaving DH several times. It sounds from your update that he doesn’t think housework is your job per se. He does want to pitch in and help out but needs guidance on what to do. It is frustrating but don’t break up a family based on that. Tell him the cleaner stays until the 5 year old fully recovers. Give him specific jobs in time frames he can accomplish and make those his responsibility. Like making sure the medicine cabinet is up to date and stocked. And folding all the laundered clothes. Specific things that you can outsource to him with clear deliverables.

Some of the things you mention are trivial, and an atmosphere of daily shouting can mean he is on edge as well. It will get better especially as the 7 month old weans. My DH still wouldn’t know what to feed DD and seeing her properly weekend to weekend doesn’t realise she isn’t exclusively bf anymore but is a proper family member who needs catering 3x a day. It’ll come but try to reset, get some assistance for your PND and both of you try to be kinder to each other. If he is working long hours under pressure he is also not getting any downtime - you’re not describing a jerk who insists on narathoning or cycling or drinking with buddies while you do everything, just a clueless man who needs some training. It is not in any way your fault - but you can fix this and make the situation better. If you do separate you’d probably spend his contact time just worrying about what he is doing with the kids and whether they are okay.
Loads of hugs.

Oh Sumadoo I can relate to so much of your post, except my DH is this way because of a chronic illness.

I am also working p/t on top of everything as he has not worked for many weeks. I've been working since my youngest DC was just a few months old, doing every wake up, all cooking, most cleaning, all the mental load. My DH checks in and out. It's so hard to tell what is illness and what is arsehole behaviour.

It is so hard. I am just so tired and there's no end in sight. I am sending you warm wishes from someone who understands.

If I go to the gp for pnd, what can they actually do other than give me drugs? I dont want drugs and I can go to a counsellor myself and pay privately.

If you were after cbt on the nhs you are put to the top of the list if you have a baby under one

You can get CBT on the NHS. Alternatively if you’re happy to pay privately and see a counsellor that would be very helpful also. I had talking therapy (on insurance) and I found it extremely helpful.

It's worth considering the drugs - too often people wait too long to get help and it just takes that much longer time to climb out of the pit. Doesn't have to be long-term.

The man works full time in s pressured job. Why expect him to then be able to tune into home life as you expect it to be? I never understand these situations. He works and earns the money. You are at home all day sorting home and kids. Try being a single parent and doing both! That’s what I have done for the last 18 years. Now that is real stress.

The thing that stands out for me is that your DH is not stepping up because you step up instead. You want things done, and you want them done to a certain standard. You state Letting him take on some of the load causes me further problems as he doesnt follow through or do a proper job.

You state Leaving him to do more of the housework only means one thing: it won't get done. He would happily live in filth

Well, yes, - every mother who had had a teenager knows that it is FAR harder to get the teenager to clean up or whatever than to do it yourself. However, THEY need to be allowed to do it themselves and so we take the harder route, for the sake of their adult future. It might not be (almost certainly won't be) to your standard, but he needs to find HIS own standard, and you may need to compromise on that. Because you are two different people who are partners and who need to learn to parent together.

You need to give him a job and then you need to step right back and let him do it. If he does it wrong then you need to let him fix it. It may not be to your standard, but he needs to be allowed to finish and complete what he started. As things stand, he doesn't consider anything his responsibility because you have taken all the responsibility on to yourself.

For example he needed to fix the supper that he forgot to make - but you ended up making instead. You simply told him without words that he has no hope of making a successful supper and that only you can do this 'correctly'. He is listening to you...

No wonder you are stressed. You are trying to micromanage your own husband. You are trying to control rather than partner. You end up exhausted and stressed out, and he ends up hopeless and ineffectual. OP, it cannot get better the way you are going about things.

He has his own jobs.
You only know part of the situation here.
One of his jobs is to give our eldest child her inhaler in the evening... it's up to him to sort it out if the inhaler runs out. But if he's not going to, what else can I do? I'm not going to put my own child at risk because DH cant be bothered or hasn't got a clue. The same with the baby, I wasn't going to leave DH to sirt his food out. He'd have ended up eating what we were having: salty fish and chips from the chip shop.

DH empties and loads the dishwasher, dresses the DCs each morning and makes breakfast. I am not controlling/ doing everything myself and you can not assume that from a few paragraphs on MN!