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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Brother keeping us at arms length from his wife&family.

35 replies

catfeatures · 10/12/2018 21:00

What would you do and how would you feel/handle it if you had a close relationship with your brother until he met his wife?. And then he literally shut his family out. He comes to visit on his own once a year and keeps all his family very much distanced from his two young children and his wife. Yet i had involved him with all my children and all celebrations yet we are never invited. My children have not met his children- one is three and one 8 months. It hurts. He stays in touch and is there to help from a distance with our family but we are never invited not is he forth coming at bringing her down.
I dont want to fall out but i feel its to do with at the moment he is doing very well socially financially professionally and we are not-there is illness with other family and i am a single parent. He has always been understanding of that but not enough to present us maybe? Awkward.

OP posts:

LuluBellaBlue · 10/12/2018 22:10

Don’t assume you know the reason why, it could be something else entirely. However sorry to hear this, it must be hurtful whatever his reasons. Could you ask him? Explain your hurt, love him, miss him etc?

Batteriesallgone · 10/12/2018 22:17

I feel like I’m the wife!

I have no idea what to do, my in laws are lovely, but DH keeps me at arms length from BIL and SIL and I’m not sure why but obviously my first loyalty is to him.

My suspicion is that he finds their closeness (as one big extended family) overbearing and he doesn’t want us subsumed into it. I think because he can’t handle the questions / opinions about our lives and choices.

I have met them all and they are lovely respectful adults. But he was the baby and I think was a bit their toy/dolly growing up...and as such has hangups/memories of being controlled.

Just a guess though as trying to get him to talk about it is like getting blood from a stone.

Batteriesallgone · 10/12/2018 22:18

Oh and I’m sure SIL thinks it’s because we have money and think we’re too ‘naice’ for her. Definitely not that.

CrazyOldBagLady · 10/12/2018 22:22

Have you asked him outright about it? If he declares there's no issue, then get a date in the diary immediately so your kids can meet their cousins.

PrettyLovely · 10/12/2018 22:25

Has there been some sort of argument you are unaware of between a family member and him regarding his kids.
Sometimes people keep things in.
Just ask him.

PrettyLovely · 10/12/2018 22:26

Wife/kids*

itscalledwineflu · 10/12/2018 22:50

Similar situation with me and my dB always quite close although was quite selfish but when he met his current long term partner wouldn't introduce to us for about 2 years . He would just make excuses. I've met dB partner once in the 4 years they've been together. I've stopped making a effort tbh as if I invited him to family occasions he would just make excuses . I never hear when it's a birthday for me dh or my dc . In fact it was about 18 months since last heard from him . I don't think it's the partner she seamed very lovely the one time I met her I think it's dB although I'm not sure why . My dh thinks my family are odd as it's completely different with his family. I suppose it's why I stopped making a effort I got fed up of the excuses and I have my own family.

HeddaGarbled · 10/12/2018 22:58

Honestly, I don’t think that there is much that you can do. I would certainly advise about forcing any sort of confrontation/falling out. Keep the lines of communication open. Siblings can drift apart when their lives take them in different directions but sometimes a crisis (death of parent e.g.) can bring them back together if there hasn’t been a nasty falling out.

Euamoonatal · 10/12/2018 23:18

I might be batteries SIL too! However my brothers children are older teens now and we have a fairly independent relationship with them and they come and stay during longer school holidays. My brother communicates and does the hand over of dc, I haven't seen or spoken to SIL for years. I was writing Christmas cards to them this evening and 9 year old DS didn't realise that his uncle had a wife as he has no recollection of ever meeting her (possibly 9 years ago).

My brother and I were and would still be close but I actually think it is he who doesn't want the relationship. Our other brother makes a lot of effort too because he says otherwise he would never see or hear from them. My parents focus almost solely on this brother, they visit them maybe 5 times more often.

It would be easy to blame it all on SIL but I think (after 20 years of mulling this over) it is her fault only in that she is Not proactive in preventing it. My brother seems to have skipped the "it's okay to like your family" stage of development and she couldn't care less about his family (doesn't have any of her own so doesn't see the importance) rather than actively dislikes us.

Anyway OP, i cried buckets over this in the beginning but I have come to the realisation that I cannot change it so I persevere with encouraging a relationship with my nieces and nephews and my brother and accept that it is what it is. I love him, but figure it is a one way street and that's fine too. He was the baby, like batteries dh, and has a bit of an issue with us teasing him about stuff (no more than we tease each other). He is better qualified and earning than any of us but seems to have a wee chip on his shoulder about being looked down on by us (affectionately). We think the world of him but it is not reciprocated. Luckily his children are just as adorable as he was and like to be loved by us.

So, i think it is all too easy to blame the wife but his relationship is with you OP and as an adult it is his responsibly to maintain that relationship. It might be that you have to do all the work to maintain it, like I do, but that might be worth it too.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 10/12/2018 23:26

All sorts of possible explanations here, and the only way you will get to the bottom of it is by talking to him.

Is there any possibility that she is abusive towards him? I went through a spell for a few years of significantly reducing the amount of contact I had with my family, and it was purely because my (now ex-) wife would engineer the most terrible rows and scream at me for ages afterwards because she always claimed they hadn't treated her as "special" enough. My family had no idea - they were convinced that they'd done something to upset me.

As I say, there are lots of possible reasons - but just bear in mind that somebody who was previously close to their family becoming more isolated after meeting someone new can be an indicator of domestic abuse.

user1484424013 · 10/12/2018 23:55

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad are you all good now with your family.

The special enough things stands out for me but with my sil who my husband has gone nc with. This is something she said to him slot and would go in bloody awful moods.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/12/2018 07:06

Euamoonatal
He was the baby, like batteries dh, and has a bit of an issue with us teasing him about stuff (no more than we tease each other). He is better qualified and earning than any of us but seems to have a wee chip on his shoulder about being looked down on by us (affectionately). We think the world of him but it is not reciprocated. Luckily his children are just as adorable as he was and like to be loved by us.

Can you really not see it?

It might be different if you tried to have an adult relationship with him.

Original poster

catfeatures · 11/12/2018 11:45

Thanks for replies. There hasnt been any fall out though there is within our family to each other but not with him or her and certainly not between myself and my brother.
Our family is dysfunctional compared to hers who seem loving and supportive, successful and it hurts as they are involved alot in every way. We are still his family -who love him and miss him terribly.There has never been a problem between my brother and i in fact we always used to chat regularly and get on well he was always invited to ours to stay and he did all the time my children were small.
I felt this pushing away so much i was crying at their wedding(i left early eve).
From the moment he met her we have been pushed away yet and at their wedding i felt this is how it would be from now on. She made this very clear.
With other girlfriends he would bring them to see us and it all felt normal. Now he will see us on his own and thats it.
My kids havent met his and i have seen his first child once. My older child has aspergers and i have taken time off work to care for him and home school as he has not coped with school so this could be part of it. If we fit the 'norm' i feel things would be different. When we were two working parents and children all in schools it was different then but was still made.to feel how we couldnt fit in with two highly successful people , we were just middle professional and skilled jobs and will be again. Can people really be categorized like this?
Were still all family and people at the end of the day..who just want a tiny part of their lives-to see them a few times a.year and be respected and be allowed to form a relationship with my brother and his children. We aren't that unbearable!. My children are lovely kind caring kids-older one just gets very anxious. I get on with most people always have. I just dont understand how people can be like this. I always involved everyone unless anyone is deliberately destructive!. Its such a hang up on their part which needs dealing with. But how do i say this without falling out?.

OP posts:

Tryingtothinkofaclevername · 11/12/2018 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aussiebean · 11/12/2018 12:17

Any chance you can go to them? Stay at a hotel near by and all go out for dinner?

That way there is little pressure on them and you get a chance to meet the family.

PrettyLovely · 11/12/2018 12:48

"I felt this pushing away so much i was crying at their wedding(i left early eve).
From the moment he met her we have been pushed away yet and at their wedding i felt this is how it would be from now on. She made this very clear."

What exactly did she say?
There are issues between you and her then?
Looks like thats why she keeps away.

chillpizza · 11/12/2018 13:29

My Sil used to blame me and push and push me to make her dBro spend more time and effort with her and their parents. Thing is it was not me at all I did not stop him, I did not tow with him or anything about that he just wasn’t bothered in making plans or staying in contact. In the end I told them that he was a fully grown man and I couldn’t force him to see them or not see them and to take it up with him not me. Things are better now but that’s because I invite and include if it was up to him still it wouldn’t of changed.

I think sometimes siblings and parents expect things to stay exactly the same but when they find a partner they want to marry and have children with etc things change mum/dad/sister/brother is no longer the priority above all else their new partner is and they also then have their own family. The women always seemed to get blamed though for men’s lack of contact.

SandyY2K · 11/12/2018 14:38

Can you ask him directly if you can see his kids?

MsPavlichenko · 11/12/2018 15:36

I have to say that if my SIL had cried at my wedding, then left early in a huff I'd not be keen on being friends.

ReflectentMonatomism · 11/12/2018 15:45

I felt this pushing away so much i was crying at their wedding(i left early eve).

Perhaps his wife has a low tolerance for drama. You left their wedding in tears? And are surprised that they're not that bothered about seeing you?

It's such a hang up on their part which needs dealing with.

Well, it's something you think needs dealing with. He is, presumably, happy with the current situation. If you want to change the current situation, it's up to you to figure out how.

What have you done since leaving their wedding in tears to show that you want a relationship that isn't about drama?

Aussiebean · 11/12/2018 15:52

@Euamoonatal I think the key behind why your brother has pulled away is in your post.

Maybe if you didn’t dismiss his dislike of being teased and respected that it hurt him (even if you wouldn’t have been hurt by the same) and apologised, you wouldn’t be in this situation.

ghostsandghoulies · 11/12/2018 16:00

Sorry but I wouldn't want to be friends with you if you were crying at my wedding.

I think that the fact that he comes without his wife and kids suggests that he sees your parents and siblings out of obligation. I suspect that what you view as a close relationship isn't how he'd describe things. Close can be a euphemism for overbearing and coupled with the teasing and treatment as the baby of the family, I can see why he wouldn't want his wife and kids to witness that. He's a grown adult who just might want to be respected and treated like one.

ReflectentMonatomism · 11/12/2018 16:08

coupled with the teasing and treatment as the baby of the family

To be fair to the OP, that's Euamoonatal's experience, not the OP's.

Original poster

catfeatures · 11/12/2018 16:30

To all the above i should clarify there was no drama at the wedding. I cried in the taxi leaving. She had no reason but had made it pretty clear the way the land lied from here on- Like her family were all at the main table not his and they all had a part to play and not us. They all stayed in top hotels together we sat on tables with old school friends.There was zero drama fall outs or funny vibes from us at all!. I stomached it all but it has continued as i thought it would. We have NEVER had a crossed word or vibe.Wow how assumptions are made!.

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 11/12/2018 18:15

To be fair you said initially you cried at the wedding, not after it. And that you left early.

There may well be an issue with your DB. Buy your resentment is apparent in your post, and was clearly an issue at their wedding. Have you asked your DB directly what the issue is? Have you offered to meet his DC ( this seems strange)?

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