Brother keeping us at arms length from his wife&family.

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What would you do and how would you feel/handle it if you had a close relationship with your brother until he met his wife?. And then he literally shut his family out. He comes to visit on his own once a year and keeps all his family very much distanced from his two young children and his wife. Yet i had involved him with all my children and all celebrations yet we are never invited. My children have not met his children- one is three and one 8 months. It hurts. He stays in touch and is there to help from a distance with our family but we are never invited not is he forth coming at bringing her down.
I dont want to fall out but i feel its to do with at the moment he is doing very well socially financially professionally and we are not-there is illness with other family and i am a single parent. He has always been understanding of that but not enough to present us maybe? Awkward.

Him not involving his family at the wedding doesn’t mean the signals are coming from her.

Her family all stayed in top hotel together - presumably they paid for themselves. And you’ve kind of implied you can’t afford that sort of thing. Maybe he didn’t mention it as an option because he felt it would be tactless.

If he invited old school friends it sounds like he had quite a strong family and friends presence, doesn’t sound like she took over and shredded his guest list.

You seem really reluctant to admit he might be the one with the problem with you. Just because you’re unaware of a reason doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

Words dont always need to be said sometimes people just know you dont like them. To be honest Op you dont sound like you like her it sounds very much like you are blaming her for your brother not bothering.
He doesnt not ever see you, he isnt totally blanking you he has cut contact down.
She obviously feels as though there is an issue there or she would see you all too, there is obviously something wrong.
I have to be honest when I used to visit dhs family I was very much treated differently I was the blame if he didnt bother with them if he forgot a birthday everything was "my fault" its very easy to see someone like the outsider when they are new to the family and they can often get scapegoated when people are projecting their frustrations.
Even if you arent projecting or others arent actively saying it out loud people often pick up on the bad vibe anyway or they hear someone has said something.
Could she have heard through the grapevine something someone said?

Sorry about confusing you and another poster about the teasing aspect. Disregard that bit.

You say that your brother's exes all got along with your family therefore there's something wrong with his wife. Maybe he picked a woman with a different personality to his exes because those relationships failed and he wanted a successful one?

Her family may have paid for the top hotel stay and may have been top table because they paid a chunk of the wedding.

Your SIL may not visit you because they aren't getting along at the moment. As you know, having an under 1 is super stressful.

When he makes his annual return "home", she might have an equivalent visit to do to a distant person on her side of the family. He might "dislike " that person as much as you "dislike " SIL so it's killing two birds with one stone.

He may not bring the kids because he's not confident enough to look after them alone. (I know it's not rocket science but plenty of dads on MN never look after 2+ kids on their own)

Nope as i said i never had a crossed word or vibe with her. I havr nothing against her at all infact i have never had the opportunity to get to know her. My brother has kept us away because we are a dysfunctional (in that we dont get on within our family )one compared to hers.the image he wants to present to her is one of success so he keeps us away. But we have never had a problem with each other but arent as successful as her family so maybe not high flying enough?.
Thats one possible scenario. The other is she doesnt like us and wants her family to be the centre of everything which was the impression we got at the wedding. The relationship between my brother and i has never been dysfunctional we always got on well until he met her so its a natural conclusion dont you think as she made it clear at the wedding it was her day her family and she wouldnt even have a photo with us. What does that tell you?. It seems like i am being accused of doing something here. In point of fact i have done nothing at all. All i have done is invite,include be welcoming but we are slightly different to the desired image so i feel we are being sidelined because of this. Tbh this isnt helping much!.

Aussiebean yes that us an idea next year

I have exactly this situation with my Son, my only child, it hurts but I'm tough

Do your parents not see their grandchildren? Are you the only one he sees?

Why not ask him if there is a problem? Being direct avoids confusion. Did you ask for a photo and she said no at the wedding. Or are you annoyed she didn't ask? Plus the wedding was some time ago I assume? Why still the resentment? Why not ask at the time, or let it go?

If you were previously close I'm surprised you can't simply talk to your DB about tjjis.

Perhaps she's just a bit of a cow. Perhaps he's being bullied.

@tryingtothinkofaclevername sorry to hear your brother may be going through that. Without wishing to hijack the OP's thread, I did want to reply because if abuse is happening to your brother, he will be in a very lonely place right now. In my case, I eventually told my family some of what was happening after they'd seen her explode a couple of times, and figured out that I wasn't in a good way. Ultimately, it ended the second time she assaulted me - my family were the ones who called the Police.

What you can do is a tough question. Approach with caution. Push too hard too quickly, and he may retreat from you, because talking about it will feel dangerous for him. I'd suggest gentle questions, no judgement, and simply ensuring he knows you are always there. Even when it feels like he's pushing you away.....be there. Because he's probably doing it under duress, or because he just can't find a better way to avoid triggering abusive behaviour from his wife, and he's desperate to make that marriage work (decent men don't walk away, right? They stay and work at it. And surely it can't be abuse - after all he's a man, and we all know abuse is something that men perpetrate - it's not something they're victims of. Right? All of that will be going on inside his head, and he probably doubts his own interpretation of what is happening - especially if it's not physical yet).

Finally, if there is any violence, don't hesitate to call the Police for him. That's not something I would ever have done. But when somebody else did it, it finally allowed me to see that it was okay to say this wasn't okay. And to walk away. Unfortunately, emotional abuse often escalates to physical abuse....So just keep your eyes peeled.

I wish you and your brother the best. Abuse is a sickening crime - but please don't judge him for trying to stick it out, or take it personally when he withdraws. He's just trying to survive and do the right thing.