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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who stays and who goes?

27 replies

Sarah2302 · 10/12/2018 18:04

Quick bit of info, I want to divorce my H because he is so aggressive. So I’ve been practising the grey rock technique and H is getting fed up now. I’ve told him to stop eating the food I’m buying for me and DD as I can’t afford to feed him too (he earns 5/6 x more than me) He said today he doesn’t want to live with me anymore and i need to pay him out, I can’t afford that. He said he has spoken to someone and they advised him that I have no right to stay in my (small) 3 bed house with my DD (2) and that I need to sell and give him half! He also wants both cars and all his money (about £20000), i would have nothing! I’ve emailed several layers for a free 30 mins consultation and nobody has replied and I can’t afford to pay for one. This sounds totally unreasonable to me. I have told him that he can keep his part of the house and we can put it in the deeds and he can take all his money and get somewhere else. I would be able to afford everything on my own.
Does anyone have any advice on this?

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamous · 10/12/2018 18:17

I know legal advice is expensive but losing half your house, half his money, half his pension, ongoing child maintenance etc will be a fortune that could keep you and DC more comfortable.
Do nothing without proper legal advice. Is there someone you can borrow the money from?

HollowTalk · 10/12/2018 18:20

I'm pretty certain that one of my friends paid the lawyer's bill at the end, when it was all settled. Does anyone know if that's often what happens?

You need a really good lawyer, OP. Don't make any promises now about money. Everything should go through a lawyer.

Notacluethisxmas · 10/12/2018 18:32

He is talking bollocks

Because no one knows. You won't automatically get the house. You may not get half of everything. You may get more.

There's so many details that can change things.

You need legal advice and you need to start working towards making yourself financially independent.

ElizabethWoodviile · 10/12/2018 18:59

Op,Is the house jointly owned or did one of you own it outright when you met? Whose names are on the deeds? Was any prior legal financial agreement in place? If jointly owned are both of you on mortgage? Did you buy as tenants in common or joint tenants? ( this will be in yr legal pack with mortgage) Whose names are the cars in ? Ideally you need to see a solicitor ASAP to understand your rights. Keep trying to secure a free half hour. Failing that Citizens Advice as a matter of urgency. My solicitors fees were paid in instalments but in advance so I had to pay on account, £500 each time and then solicitor would work to that. When that ran out a further £500 would be paid and so on. However, each solicitor will have their own
criteria so they will advise you best based on your circumstances. If he is being aggressive and you fear for your safety call the police and have him removed. If he wants to leave ,show him where the front door is. You go nowhere and stay put for now as long as you are safe. Who has he seen? He's trying to scare you, ignore him. Purchase enough food daily for you and your child , prepare it and eat it. Hide non perishables so you have snacks and reserves when needed.

If you have a spare room move into it now. Put a physical separation in place. That will be relevant when dealing with courts etc and establishing length of separation. Not always easy to prove but do it none the less. In the long term start putting plans in place now with a view to possibly selling and when you eventually get yr equity from the house you can start again independent from him. Ultimately we do not know what you may or may not be entitled to but your initial response must be not to panic or be bullied. It's possible that the house will be sold eventually and assets/equity split but you really do need legal advice and prioritise that for now. This may ultimately be your best option as you will have complete control moving forward and not dependant on his whims re spousal and child maint in the future.

Original poster
Sarah2302 · 10/12/2018 19:20

Hi, we are tennants in common. I did pay half the house upfront as it was a gift from my mum. My H is paying the other half’s mortgage (only small) I pay all the bills/food. Both our names are on the mortgage. Both cars in his name. He is moving all the money now into another account from the joint one. I really don’t want to sell. This was my grandparents house😞

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 10/12/2018 19:39

Pick up the phone and call the solicitor don't email.

ElizabethWoodviile · 10/12/2018 19:59

Good news on the house front, stay put. He cannot order you anywhere and he knows it.. sadly vice versa for now if he is not a threat to you .If he says again he doesn't want to live with you, point out the front door ... again. Why is he moving money? Where is he moving it to? If joint accts phone bank now and prevent any /all transfer transactions that you do not authorise. Explain what's happening. Make them aware. Do
it all by the book OP.
He sounds a real bully . His days are numbered and he knows it. This is his last pathetic stand. Open up your own paperless bank acct tomorrow. Your money in the house is there and safe. I know you don't want to sell but put that aside for now. Hopefully you won't have to. Don't panic. Just focus on now and and tomorrow and the next few weeks. Find a solicitor but call the bank now/tonight and block any joint money going anywhere. Stay calm. You will be fine OP and everything good awaits you in your future. Good luck OP.

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 10/12/2018 20:14

You said he was aggressive, are we talking about domestic abuse? if this is the case you could receive legal aid. You would have to pay it back at the end as you have an assess eg your house. You really really need decent legal advise now! block accounts so he can not transfer money, regardless of if he believes its all his or not.
There are certain orders that the courts can grant to make him leave the family home regardless etc if hes being abusive, i only know this because i have been in this situation myself.

Original poster
Sarah2302 · 10/12/2018 20:18

Thanks for your post, this hole thing is getting me down, it’s really emotionally challenging! I’ve never been a money person so this is all against my morals. He has opened another account somewhere and has already moved most of the money now and transferred direct debits without my knowledge. One of those little password machines came through the post for another bank and when I checked online a large transfer has been made.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah2302 · 10/12/2018 20:22

I have mentioned on previous posts but he calls me names, puts me down, shouts at me, I can’t touch “his” money. I have come to a point where it’s making me mentally ill, I have to cut him loose as it’s either him or me. I can’t live on egg shells afraid of saying or doing something wrong anymore. He is just to aggressive and angry for me, even tho he says he doesn’t mean it I’m not a match for him! I only wish I went sooner!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah2302 · 10/12/2018 20:24

Oh I had a feeling he was up to something so I did take a screenshot of the bank accounts before he moved the money.

OP posts:
Musti · 10/12/2018 20:28

Make an appointment with a solicitor asap. Take out the rest of the money left and open your own bank account.

Quartz2208 · 10/12/2018 20:29

he is talking rubbish - you are due so much more and he is hiding assets - take money from the account and find a solicitor

Or tell him to sign the house over to you and leave then go to the csm

Original poster
Sarah2302 · 10/12/2018 20:30

It’s the bank account where his salary goes into, I would feel strange taking his money. My salary goes into my account and all goes on bills!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/12/2018 20:31

Its not his money it is joint money

OP with the greatest respect you need to shake yourself of that mindset - you were a partnership you deserved it just as much as him

Original poster
Sarah2302 · 10/12/2018 20:34

Really? I won’t get in trouble? He will go absolutely MAD if I touch it. I don’t know what he will do, do I poke the lion!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah2302 · 10/12/2018 20:38

Once I transferred £100 as mine went into overdraft......never did that again!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/12/2018 20:41

From him - I cant say as that I suspect is the issue with aggression and your marriage

Legally - its a joint account correct so of course you can touch it

You need legal advice to sort through who gets what though but he clearly has done a number on you thinking that he gets to keep everything

Original poster
Sarah2302 · 10/12/2018 20:45

I guess I’ve been programmed into believing it’s his. He has already called me a Lazy f**king spoilt princess today. I don’t do anything for myself, spend anything. I can just about afford the food bill. But I told him I’m not selling and this was the reply.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 11/12/2018 07:22

Do not back down
Do not give in
Do not get sucked into the “being fair” BS - you need to fight.

Understand clearly this man is an abusive arsehole is out to screw you and your child out of as much as possible.
He will quite happily see you in the street and will probably mess you around re maintainance because that is what abusive men do.

You need to women up and dig deep, which I know is hard, but you must.

-Call the solicitor
-Transfer half the money (maybe use this for the solicitor!!!)
-Call the police he gives you any reason (and be willing to follow through and prosecute)

“Any reason” is you feel unsafe, he is shouting, swearing, breaking things, making threats or any physical harm.

Good luck Flowers

Musti · 11/12/2018 08:32

Listen it is your money. You're in a war now and you're equal to him. He has been transferring your savings so today transfer what is left of the money. Let him rant all he likes. The only reason he's been able to save is because you put in a huge deposit and you aren't earning as much because of having a baby etc. But once you're married everything us joint anyway so legally it is yours too.

Transfer the money so you've got money to pay for legal fees and let him say all he wants about you or to you. Ignore him because he's abusive and a liar. You have more rights and power than you think.

NoPhelange · 11/12/2018 08:41

Do not leave the house even for a night, with or without your DD. You and your DD have as much right to be there right now as he does. Transfer as much money back to yourself as you need you support you and DD as that is also legally your money too. If he has anything to say just repeat "it is legally mine and hers too", nothing else needed. Call and don't email as many divorce solicitors as you can today. When dealing with one I had to initially pay money so that I was in credit with them and then when works carried out runs it down you top it up, many operate differently though.

But for now, he cannot force you out and he cannot keep jointly owned financials from you. Stay and take what you need. If he gets physical, police.

Good luck OP

Villagelifer · 11/12/2018 08:47

Do not agree to anything before taking legal advice OP. He sounds like a bully to me. As a PP has said it's not a simple split and just because it comes out of his salary it doesn't make it his money to take when you are paying other things and have already paid for half of the house.
Make it a priority to find a solicitor that can talk to you know for free or one you can afford.

Original poster
Sarah2302 · 12/12/2018 08:10

You guys are right, it is my money also. The only reason he has saved so much is because I paid half the house outright so the mortgage payments are small. We bought the house off family so got it substantially cheaper! I do everything at home, including all the finances, tax returns, painting and decorating. I work part time and my mum looks after DD!!!!! So basically I’m enabling him to have all “his” money! Still too scared to touch it tho Angry

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/12/2018 11:06

What do you think he will do - what is it you are scared of?

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