Did you settle and if you didn't, what does it feel like?

[fedupgal23]

Everyone around me is settled. If they are not married they almost are, or are in long term relationships.

I date. I could have settled down a couple of times in the past but I never felt like I met someone who was 'a one' (don't necessarily believe in The One).

But what does not settling feel like? How did you know?

I'm 35 and I am dating properly and putting the time in. I'm being open minded! But also yet to meet someone who makes me feel sure. Do I have time to wait and is it worth it to be with someone who feels like you're not settling?

First time I settled for 18 years. He was great, the relationship was... there... and I did him untold amounts of harm because we were entirely unsuited for each other.

After that fizzled out, I met "the one" in my early forties. No settling - completely different dynamic. And I knew immediately that this was different from anything I'd experienced before. 5 years later, we have 1 DD, we'll talk for hours most days, I still fancy the pants off him and he still grabs my bum when he walks past - I giggle every time.

Don't settle. You think it's the grown up and sensible thing to do but you're setting yourself up for years of disappointment, unmet expectations and hurt for both of you. It doesn't have to be a big great romance (mine wasn't) but if you're considering someone and feeling like you're settling for pragmatic reasons, then it's unlikely you'll have the relationship you want.

At my age I’m thinking on the one hand I don’t want to settle but on the other, I would like a family now.

I find it easy to date.

I think deep down I’ve always wanted that really full love. I’ve been in love before but known I could have fallen deeper for someone. I don’t expect no compromise or no arguments ever but just that feeling that he is...well just special. For me.

I’m hoping it’s worth waiting for.

My first relationship was abusive, and it took me 10 years to get out. So when I met my 2nd husband I very much needed stability. He was everything my abusive ex wasn’t. I settled down quickly and we had dc. But by god I was bored, I found myself settling. Eventually I left, it was torture.

I was by myself (and the dc) for 10 years and loved it. I’m now into a 3 year relationship and I really feel I’ve found my soul mate, he’s everything I want in a man, he’s my best friend, I’m so glad I didn’t remain with my 2nd husband, it would have been a mundane life and I’m glad my dc have now seen what a loving relationship should be

I have many friends who have settled, a few seem to be making it work, most don't. I was still dating at 33 having not had a relationship for 10 years. The most I would date someone is for 3 months before fizzling out. I could have settled so many times, friends even started telling me I was too fussy and would eye roll me when I ended it with someone. I have recently met someone and from date one it just felt different. We still have difficulties but he walks in and takes my breath away. I always felt like I was dating decent people but something was missing, I don't feel that now. If you can wait it is 100% worth it

I know I’ll never forgive myself if I settle. I need that “I’ve won the relationship lottery/can’t stop smiling and telling everyone about him” feeling, otherwise, it’s just not worth the effort and I’d rather be on my own. The search continues, and time is still on my side, but I would also consider alternative ways to become a mother. Some of my friends are interested in possibly clubbing together and raising babies communally - which wouldn’t be without its difficulties but should be possible at nearly all income levels.

Thanks for these posts!

Nearly all my friends are married and one who is due to get married in a few months said she never felt that giddy excitement but she does feel comfortable and safe and that was enough for her. It wouldn’t be enough for me, I want the passion too. Maybe that’s why I am alone though.

I would say it’s not worth it to just “settle”. I considered it with my ex but there were so many issues that in the end I ended it. Best thing I ever did. I should have done it earlier.

Now with DH and have been for 10years, I literally want to spend all of my time with him and that hasn’t changed since we’ve been together. I don’t see it changing any time soon. I’ve been very lucky.

If I had settled I would never have found a relationship that was so much better. It has made me more fussy, as if I ever did date again, I wouldn’t ever want to settle for less than what I know is possible.

My mum admitted settling with my dad and they got married very young. They spent almost all of their time apart, shared no interests and that finally ended in a separation when they were middle aged. Not worth it in my opinion!

My friend and her fiancée do very little together and she enjoys the independence it brings. I’ve never heard her say anything romantic about him and nor are they affectionate. She maintains that this is the best way though and that I will be alone if I don’t chose soon.

I know in my heart I want more though. Otherwise I don’t see the point.

I understand your position and respect that you want to find someone you feel is "forever" but...

(I will prefix this by apologising) You are 35. If you meet someone, date them for a while, decide to move in together/get married/start a family - how old will you be by that point?

If you wait for Mr Perfect then you are mid-40s and not able to have children, how will you feel?

Of course ignore my useless comment if you do not plan on having a family.

Dont settle. If not for you, for the person who you settled for. Let them find their 'one'. Been with dh for 7 years but known him for over 15. Knew he was the one from the beginning and i still get giddy and butterflies when i think of him, we have many interests together but also separate ones which we share together.

hiphop that is my concern, I want a family

I think it depends on what you want. There’s nothing wrong with being independent, having separate interests and doing your own thing, yet sharing that together. But that’s not what I wanted at all, I wanted a partner where we would do everything/go everywhere together. My grandparents did that and it just seemed ideal to me, whereas my parents spent all day apart and then all evening apart watching tv in different rooms! So I guess I knew from a young age what I wanted/didn’t want.

OP, if you want more, don’t settle for less.

However, if you want a family then there is a significant time pressure on you.
A friend of mine settled with someone she’s had an on-off relationship for about 10years. They’re having a child together and a lot of my other friends are disapproving because the relationship is dysfunctional and no one expects it to last. I think she was concerned about running out of time to have kids.
But is that such a problem? She will have a child, which will be with her for life. She isn’t going to suffer being childless. He was the only one around at the time so settling was her choice. Even if the relationship fails then so what? Many do anyway. Neither of them will lose contact with the child and they aren’t abusive.
My parents and DH’s parents are with new partners now, they’re still happy, they had children and we turned out ok. It’s not the dream nuclear family forever situation but it’s not the end of the world. You don’t have to settle with one person your entire life, you can still be happy if you don’t.

I think you need to decide which is more important, a family or a lifelong partner you want to be with. Ideally both, but unfortunately time is going to be a big factor in that and you might have to choose a compromise.

@fedupgal23

Then it sounds awful but I would prioritise finding someone that would be a good father and less on it being forever.

My OH is an amazing father and a great husband. We have lots in common and really do get on.
Is it all passion and fireworks? No. But it is a lovely stable family unit and I would change nothing.

Honestly, I just knew the second I met my husband that he was my one. It was love at first sight and I really can’t explain it - my tummy was fluttering and I just remember thinking “that’s him”. I was 100% absolutely sure and I still am a decade on and baby number two on the way. I think lots of people will say they don’t believe in love like that, or call it list or whatever... I just think they haven’t experienced it the way we do because if you do, you know! It’s the most amazing thing in the world to experience and not everyone will. Don’t settle.

But is that such a problem? She will have a child, which will be with her for life. She isn’t going to suffer being childless

Oh really ?

Suffer ?

Be with her for life ? Bought up by unhappy parents maybe?

Hmm. It's that old question- is it worth the wait? Lots of people never meet someone that is perfect with fireworks etc. If you got to seventy having spent your whole life in search of it, would you feel cheated? If you found your great love aged fifty, would the idea of not 'settling' be worth the loss of your ideal family?

It's not a guarantee that you'll ever find someone that causes the feelings romance novels tell you to look for. Personally, at your age, I wouldn't risk it. But that's because a family is more important to me.

I settled for my ex. He was perfect on paper but after 6 years together we had no sex - actually zero - and lived together but had entirely separate lives. I was terribly lonely. I ended up single at 30 feeling like I'd wasted my 20s.

I met dp and it was so different. The timing was terrible, we were both coming out of long term relationships and had a lot to resolve. He has children which was a dealbreaker for me. We had tough moments and tried to be sensible and have time single but couldn't stay away from each other. 6 years on we've never been happier and I love his kids and they love me.

I settled in my marriage and it was disastrous. Ended up with me being physically abused.

I met someone soon after my marriage ended who was 'a one'. We are not together now, as I was so traumatised I messed it up but honestly, I wouldn't swap how I felt for him for all the tea in China. I loved him so much and he loved me. I remember him saying to me 'I've never met anyone that I can't forget but I can not forget you.'

He hates me now haha (I really was a mess) but if I was you I'd try find that as I got more from that year on/off love than I did from a 10 year settled marriage.

"Even if the relationship fails then so what? Many do anyway"

I think this is a valid point. Falling head over heels with someone is no guarantee of lifetime happiness. You only need to look at this board to see the devastation caused when relationships end.

There are no guarantees. You can always have a baby on your own . I know it's not ideal but I'd prefer that over bring tied to a useless /boring/incompatible/abusive/etc man.

I didn’t want to settle. Had the opportunity but just couldn’t do it. Met someone amazing on paper at 40 but it wasn’t quite there and I ended it to be with someone completely not right on paper that year. My mum thought I was insane, but I’m now pregnant, we’re living together and I feel so completely sure and happy. I know I’ve been lucky to get pregnant - I did have a fertility test at 35 which was very positive but I still feel lucky. Could you have a fertility test? Are you healthy and well? I know how 35 feels and you will get the ‘fertility falls off a cliff’ messaging at every turn, but it’s not as black and white as that. I’m glad I didn’t settle, but it wasn’t easy, it’s hard to keep a steady hand sometimes, esp when everyone around you is chipping in re ending up alone, babies etc. You have to fight hard to stay sane for yourself and in your relationships, so they get a chance to develop. Are many of your friends still single? How are you feeling about it all just now?

Follow your heart

I think I've met "the one" this year at age 30. He is literally perfect in every way..gorgeous, charming, funny, loyal, intelligent and we are totally compatible. I thank God every day I didn't settle for anything less

I settled in my first long term relationship, we even got engaged, but I knew I was settling, but not why. I used to look at other couples and just wish we were more like them.

I finished that relationship, thank god, after 5 years. I met Dh within six months and there was such a difference. We didn’t care about anything other than being together, and we married very quickly. We’ve been together 30 years, I love him even more today than in the early day and I know we are extremely lucky.
I just wouldn’t settle, I know you want a family but would you consider artificial inseminatin or adoption? I don’t think marrying someone, mainly to have a child, is a good idea at all.

I had a long term relationship from school through uni and beyond - who wanted to marry me but I wanted some freedom.
Then I had some shorter relationships (18 months -2 yrs) which were not good for me and I deserved better but couldn't see it at the time.
I decided I wanted to be by myself for a while and just look after me and was not going to have any relationships for at least 6 months. I met DH about 8 months later - at 29. I felt so strongly about him really quickly and made myself slow down. We got engaged 6 months later and married about 6 months after that.
It is a totally different feeling to any other relationship I have had. Am 39 now and much as he drives me mad often, I feel so deeply connected to him. No one makes me laugh like DH does. He supports me and cares about me. I still get a little flutter watching him. He is a great dad to Ds and DD. We waited 4 years after we were married before we decided to have them. We just wanted that time together and it was great.
Don't settle would be my advice for what it's worth.

I met DP almost 10 years ago when I was 18. I knew the moment I met him he was ‘the one’. It took us a few years to actually be together but I just knew it was him

I tried having relationships with other men. I dated - I was even with somebody for over a year but it just wasn’t right.

I think the best way to describe it is that DP feels like home. It doesn’t matter where we are as long as he’s with me he feels like home. He still makes my heart beat fast, I still get excited to see him, no man has ever made me laugh like he does. And no man has ever made me feel the way he does. As corny as it sounds I think ‘when you know, you know’ is the best way to describe it.

The thought of ever having a relationship without those feelings would, I imagine, make me feel lonely. I am so grateful to be feeling the way I do and I make sure to never take him for granted.

Don’t settle. Everybody deserves to love and be loved.