Help with disrespectful partner

[mumky2013]

Im 7 months pregnant with DS2, its nearly Christmas. I've just had to buy my own Christmas present cos my partner of 7 years didn't know what to get me. And he seems to be putting a lot of effort into finding a secret Santa present for his 22 year old skinny blonde colleague that he has openly fantasized about sleeping with, during one of our sessions. His background on his phone is a famous person who is blonde and skinny, he fantasizes over other women. And now he has told me he doesn't want to raise another child with me because I am too emotional and messy (which i know). Do i just give up on us? or fight (again). I just feel so worthless.

He sounds horrible. He got you pregnant but has said he doesn't want to raise another child with you? What are you supposed to do with it then?

If I were you, I'd be making plans to go solo. You can do much better than that.

He sounds vile. Have my first ever LTB. No one would have any confidence living with such a dick. Without him you will blossom. Uggh I'm raging on your behalf that anyone could be so nasty and disrespectful to the mother of their children while pregnant no less. Get out now and find someone who treats you as everyone deserves to be treated.

Why are you with him? His behaviour is disgusting

Hes not always been so bad. Its a recent thing. Just seems to be getting worse. And like i said, weve been together a long time. Weve already got a 4 year old. Ive always suffered with depression and low self esteem which for a long time, he helped me with hugely. And I went through cancer 2 years ago which he stayed by my side through and supported me. But recently, hes getting worse and worse. I feel so disrespected a lot of the time and he gets angry when the house is a mess. Then tidies round like crazy while making me feel bad for not doing it in the first place. But then when im tidying, he sits and watches football or on his phone reading the news or on facebook or whatever.

Getting rid of a dickhead isn't "giving up," it's "Being strong and doing the tough but correct thing."

I just dont want to give up. I think thats a lot of the problem. Im still in love with the way we used to be, and im hoping that can come back. But now im not sure. I dont want to split our family up or have to split DS up over christmas. I had that when i was little and hated it! But Im sat in work at the moment thinking about how annoyed i am with him and going over stuff in my head thinking is he seeing someone else, is he manipulating me, is he depressed, is it a midlife crisis and he needs supporting, have i caused it, do i need help. Just everything. Its horrible.

Quite a few issues in your post which seem to have arisen through your counselling. I assume this is something you both want and that you both recognise that for it to be effective it must be honest. Some things will come out that will be difficult to hear. This might mean you no longer want to be in the relationship or it could give you an honest foundation to work with. It will be a difficult process, and if you are struggling you might want to see your GP.

Present-wise, some people are difficult to buy for. I know I am, so whilst I like the idea of surprises and heartfelt gifts, my face if someone gets it wrong is too honest and usually manifests abject disappointment. Last year i picked my gift and DP paid for it. But it was v. expensive and what I wanted, happiness all round. He did spend more time fretting about a secret santa gift, they can be quite tricky. This year he is going it alone with my gift and I am worried!!

Everyone has fantasies, he has been honest about that. No too sure about the picture on the phone, depends who it is and why it is there. My DP admires some famous women, they usually have the same attributes as me or things he mistakenly attributes to me. He does have the random hots for Kylie with who I have nothing in common.

Not wanting to raise a child with you is a big statement. It doesn't mean he doesn't want the child but it may mean he does not want to be with you as co-parents. It is something you need to work through because it will be critical when you have the baby. It might be that you can't be together and that might be right for you all.

Im quite against the break up due to a lot of reasons. But im sad about the way things have gone. The present thing, i told him i wanted a hair dryer and didnt care what type. But he kept saying to just go and get it myself and he would wrap it up for christmas. Whereas the secret santa present he has picked is a blanket and a pair of earrings from warren james (£20 budget). He tags her in stuff on facebook all the time. He introduces me as DSs mum, not his girlfriend or partner or anything.

The fantasies, yeah sure thank you for being honest with me about it. But please have some respect and compliment me once in a while. And make a positive comment about the way i look instead of saying her body is outrageous or insane or incredible.

So im a size 20 with red hair. So the people he fantasizes over are nothing like me. At all. Im quite disgusting in comparison and i know that. Ive always felt like im punching above my weight with him cos hes attractive. But i dont know. Just makes me feel really low.

And yeah, he wants the baby. Like hes said in the past, he wants to get married and have a happy family, but not with me. Hes a great dad to our DS1 and no doubt will be to DS2. I just dont know where things went so wrong.

EURGH now he has the cheek to say he only stayed with me cos he knows i cant cope on my own!

I'm very sorry but he's told you he "wants to get married and have a happy family but not with me." That's awful. I know you don't want to hear this but he's telling you that you're not a part of his future. You deserve better

It's also highly disrespectful to ogle and comment on others to you. I recognise people admire others but he doesn't need to tell you, especially when you're feeling low and vulnerable about your body when you're pregnant. He doesn't seem very kind at all.

He has given up on the relationship already. Whether you want to try more is irrelvant now. Just get the breakup done and quickly and cleanly as possible.

Make sure you see a solicitor soon so you've got all facts sorted to avoid being screwed over when he runs off with the skinny blonde.

Well is he what you need and what you want in a partner ? You seem to be focused on what he sees or doesn't see in you. That will be what it will be and he needs to show you what that is.

But in the meantime is he what you need and want? As a father or partner? If he is close enough and wants to put in the effort you need to tell him. Its pretty basic not to have a random woman as the background on your phone unless you are 16 and to compliment the person you are having a relationship with. Demand it.

I think giving up would be staying with him. It's so easy for a stranger on the internet to say but you need to leave him. Can you imagine in 5/10 years time still being with him , you would be utterly miserable.

Being a size 20 red head does not make a person disgusting. Being a disrespectful, manipulative and emotionally abusive person makes you disgusting. So what if he used to be amazing? He's not now. By staying with him you are telling your kids that it's ok to treat another human like that and it's not.

You're better than this , go find your happy somewhere else.

He sounds awful and his behaviour will not be helping your confidence. I would leave money that you'd be feeling better and happier without him.

Also, from the things he's said, without wanting to kick you while you're down, it sounds like he will leave you for a better option when he gets the chance. Don't give him the satisfaction and be happy without him.

I think the things that most of you are saying, i already knew. Im just trying so hard to hold on for the kids sakes. And for mine too. I dont want to be by myself. I want someone to love me and hate my own company. I want the good parts of him and us. Just not the awful parts. And i dont know how to get rid of them.

CottonTailRabbit dont worry, were not married or anything so threes nothing legal to sort. We rent a house and he doesn't want to live in it so i dont have to fight for anything.

It is not good for your kids or you to be with a man who has no respect for you. He is mean, cruel and unkind. Your children deserve a decent father and you deserve a partner who will love, cherish and respect you.

This man is a pig.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Read the OP of this thread. That's what you and your kids deserve. Not this pathetic piece of crap

Youre all helping me so much you have no idea. Im so down and feel so worthless but youre all lovely.

The man i fell in love with, was the perfect gent, amazing father, and such a kind and handsome person inside and out. 7 years later, hes still that occasionally, but has a lot of bad qualities that i look past because they dont mean as much to me as he does. Probably after everything weve been through, he has just changed. And he would be amazing like he used to be for someone else. And i am jealous of that. If he is trying to impress this girl, shes very lucky, because that side of him is amazing. But i just dont see it anymore. He doesnt buy me things or take me out, almost like hes embarrassed to be seen with me. But his dream girls, would be like trophies to show off to the world. the total opposite to me.

I have to admit im worried that my DS is learning from him as he has stopped listening to me and sometimes says things that are quite disrespectful, although he is only 4 so i cant be sure. But i just want to be happy again.

Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied. This individual you are with has checked out in all but name. Its well and truly over and you and he should not be at all together. Staying for the kids is not a good idea at all here, you are showing your child that currently at least, this ill treatment of you is acceptable to you on some level. It teaches them too that their parents relationship was based on a lie and that is a terribly heavy burden to place upon them.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?
He is not a good/great dad at all if he can and does treat you, the mother of his kids, with such utter disdain. Women in poor relationships often write such too when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what is your child learning here?.

He has made you feel worthless and crap. This is on him and the nice guy act used to draw you in was just that, an act. Its an act that abusive men use to draw their chosen target in.

You and your kids will be happier when you as their mother get this man out of your day to day lives permanently.

Your eldest is certainly learning about relationships from the two of you and he is starting to treat you the same as his dad does. He cannot afford to learn such lessons on relationships and you cannot afford to be with this man at all now.

Learn to love your own self and company. Seek counselling for your own self from Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto doing their Freedom Programme.

You do not need a man to validate your very existence here. This individual targeted you because he saw something within you that he can and has indeed exploited to its fullest extent. He was never mister nice guy, that was all an act.

It is important to remember that when you met, it was easy for him and you to be ardent carefree lovers. That's a great time but it is only part of a lifelong or long-term partnership. Things will happen that will test your love but also help your love to grow and mature into something that is caring and considerate.

What stands out for me is two things you reference about him. He wants marriage and children but that he didn't like the way you were pregnant. Now as far as I read it, like every other pregnant woman and new mother, you were vulnerable. Emotionally, financially and physically. Not realising that or even grasping that concept tells me he is not emotionally mature or intelligent.

I think he might be able to do the ardent and infatuated lover but not the mature and considerate life partner. Its not that he has changed. He hasn't changed or grown. The situation has changed and he is not capable of dealing with it. That's on him and not on you. He has bigger problems that you could ever imagine for yourself. He brings bigger problems to the relationship.

I’m sorry OP. You are being treated dreadfully. My relationship would have ended if my partner told me that he would like to get married one day when he meets the right girl!
Please leave. You are going to feel worse and worse about yourself the longer you stay. To be honest I wouldn’t want to be with someone so shallow.
Can you afford to leave? Will he leave if you ask?