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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New partner, ex partner, kids & Xmas... how?

28 replies

Fireandfury1 · 10/12/2018 11:52

My bf and my ex-husband know (and tolerate) each other. Ex’s DCs are grown up & with their mother/family. He is alone. We have been together for 7/8 months but known each other for years.

My ex-h also has no extended family. Last year he spent Xmas day with me and kids, left in evening. He proposed he brings DCs to mine on Xmas morning and we do lunch together, before he leaves them with me. We have share residency of the DCs.

My DCs (early teens) do not want my bf there on Xmas Day. They like him but they say it’s a private occasion. But he will be alone! They might be persuaded if I put my foot down...

What would you do?

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 10/12/2018 11:56

So if you've only been with this guy for 7/8 months, how long ago did you introduce him to your kids?

Original poster

Fireandfury1 · 10/12/2018 11:57

We’ve all known each other for years. My DCs have always known him.

OP posts:

BaskingSharks · 10/12/2018 11:58

If they were little kids then I’d be more inclined to take their view into account, but really as teens they don’t get to dictate who their mother has around on xmas day and I’d be expecting them to be polite and civil and show a bit of empathy for someone who would otherwise be on their own on xmas day.

They don’t have to like it but they do have to accept it’s you that’s hosting and you have a right to have him there if that’s what you want. Definitely put your foot down. Capitulate on this and they’ll think they can call the shots on all manner of other things.

If you’d only known him eight months I’d say it’s far too soon to be incorporating him into a family day like xmas but if you’ve known him properly for years it’s a bit different.

Have your kids said what their objection actually is to this?

Aussiebean · 10/12/2018 12:01

I would do what the kids want. No matter how long they have known him, this is a very new relationship. A totally different level.

You could spend Christmas Eve together and Christmas morning, then he could leave before the kids arrive late morning.

Original poster

Fireandfury1 · 10/12/2018 12:04

Thank you, Basking, I’m torn between putting my foot down and ‘indulging’ them. I think you are right. They have been almost dictatorial about some things and I have respected their opinions, both new partner and I have included them in as much as they like. They say they want privacy, but they do get a lot of that. He doesn’t do that much with us, and it’s often an activity with them in mind...

My ex is very supportive, new partner very inclusive, but my kids...I have taken it very gently indeed with them, but they are quite difficult about it.

Maybe a compromise is for him to just come at lunchtime. We eat later. If we had meal, ex would leave to visit his new partner and it would just leave the eve with bf and kids and me. Maybe a walk would help us all by that stage.

I am stuck...

OP posts:

Original poster

Fireandfury1 · 10/12/2018 12:06

Thanks Aussie yes, I would like to adhere to the dcs’ wishes.
I am with exh on Xmas eve as he is hosting a supper for us all st his place. Bf will be alone but he has at least one close friend who is free so I don’t feel as bad about that one...

OP posts:

Dirtybadger · 10/12/2018 12:08

Tell them he won't be there this year but will be next year, so they are prepared well in advance.

Depending on how they feel about it you may otherwise have teenagers flitting off from your place to their dad's or mates on Xmas day. After 7 months I think they're entitled to not want him there. At least for the majority of the day.

Original poster

Fireandfury1 · 10/12/2018 12:10

Dirty thanks for perspective - that’s exactly what I told him: we can all be together next year. We have both agreed to ‘show’ the DCs that this is committed and serious rather than to ‘tell’ them. I think they are still too young to have emotional maturity to cope with relationship speak.

Maybe I should ease off feeling so guilty about him being alone?

OP posts:

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/12/2018 12:20

I don't think you should be feeling responsible for your new partner being alone. Maybe he could come for an hour or 2 in the earlier part of the day but I'd agree with your kids that Xmas Day (evening) would be nice just you then. That's if they want to spend time with you though. If they are going to disappear up to their rooms or go on their phones I'd be telling them you are having company!

HeckyPeck · 10/12/2018 12:29

I can imagine what my mum would have said if teenage me had told her she couldn’t have her bf (now my step dad) round on Christmas Day. 😅

I was also early teens when he came on the scene and thinking back they must have been together only a few months for the first Christmas.

I have to agree with this. Don’t let your kids dictate your relationship OP.

TrippingTheVelvet · 10/12/2018 12:47

If you insist on him coming and break up in the future they will throw this up to you for years to come. It'll be known as that time mum insisted her new BF came to Christmas with us and dad and it was horribly awkward.

Trinity66 · 10/12/2018 12:53

I think it would be a bit weird having Christmas dinner with the ex and the current partner but that's just me I agree that you shouldn't allow your teenage kids dictate anything about your relationship though. If it were me, I'd probably have the ex for lunch with the kids and then have the current b/f over afterwards

Musti · 10/12/2018 12:58

I would spend Christmas morning with the ex and dc - open presents, have breakfast etc. Then ex can leave and your bf can come round for Christmas dinner and evening.

HeckyPeck · 10/12/2018 14:06

If you insist on him coming and break up in the future they will throw this up to you for years to come.

Who’s parents would put up with that kind of rude behaviour?

WingingItStill · 10/12/2018 14:10

I’d leave it for this year.

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 10/12/2018 14:30

Who’s parents would put up with that kind of rude behaviour? quite

I was mid/early teens when my mum stated dating her partner after my father, I remember how happy I was that she’d found someone who treated her well and who she enjoyed being around. They’d been together a few months when xmas rolled around but knew each other from work for a while. My brother and I put our nice clothes on, welcomed him, sat and made chit chat and did our best to show our support.

Let your kids call the shots re your personal life now and you’ll rue it in the future. They sound quite self centred.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 10/12/2018 15:59

How long have you been divorced? Did you get together with your bf very quickly after breaking up with your ex? Have your DCs struggled with the divorce?

Original poster

Fireandfury1 · 10/12/2018 16:31

Thank you for responses... mixed bag.

Ex and I separated 3 years ago but have always done Xmas eve at his & day at mine. This is my first bf since ex and one dc in particular - v early teens - is struggling with me being with anyone else...

OP posts:

userxx · 10/12/2018 16:42

It was only a matter of time wasn't it before the dynamics changed. If it isn't this year then its going to be next year, your child still not like the idea of you dating.

TrippingTheVelvet · 10/12/2018 16:56

I'm certainly not saying that would be reasonable of them. But look at how many people complain that their mother always put their boyfriends before them when they were younger.

CornflakeGin · 10/12/2018 17:53

My situation is similar in that this Christmas is my first separated from my exh. I'm no longer living with my kids but they are only minutes away with their dad and I live with my new partner. I'm lucky that exh and new partner are amicable to each other.

My kids are too young to dictate who is there on Christmas day but this year I agreed with all parties that I would be with the exh and kids on Christmas day and my new partner will go to his family as normal. I'm spending new year with my partner instead and not with the kids. This situation works for us. I personally think Christmas day is about the kids. As they get older we will see how it pans out.

SuperSuperSuper · 10/12/2018 18:19

You sound very kind and considerate OP. However the "not telling them" thing makes it sound a bit as if you're pussyfooting around them. They're teens, they should understand that you are entitled to a private life, to find happiness with a new man. You can't play happy families on Christmas Day solely with your ex forever - sooner or later, your partner (or his) will either join in, or want to make alternative plans.

PikaPikaTink · 10/12/2018 18:44

This is tricky but I can't imagine imposing on dps kid's Xmas only 8 months in if they didn't want me there. I do have my own family though so perhaps I'd have felt differently if I was going to be alone.

Original poster

Fireandfury1 · 11/12/2018 06:40

Yes it’s the fact that partner has no family to go to, that is the tricky thing. I can’t let him spend it alone!! Think even ex-h would understand this.

Yes, maybe time to show the DCs that the dynamic is changing.

Thanks all, very appreciative of the various points of view.

OP posts:

Blondebakingmumma · 11/12/2018 06:46

If I were you, I would spend the majority of Christmas Day with ex and dc and then include BF in one meal- breakfast or dinner. Then next year if you are still together spend more time together

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