Feeling heartbroken for my Husband and MIL because FIL is a racist pig

[wheneverythinggoestitsup]

This may be long apologies - I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone in real life so I need to get it off my chest.

Background - FIL is racist, its fairly obvious after minimal conversation and I have always just walked away and ignored (one heated discussion around brexit a few years ago but that's it)

We visit every weekend for a couple of hours with 2 kids, 8 year old stepson and 4 year old daughter. They swear a lot which has always bugged me but have just put up with it and ensured the kids don't take any notice - neither of whom have any issues understanding what they can and cant say.

Anyway - a couple of weeks ago DH went to SS's parents evening and was told by teacher that there was an incident in class with him and his friends. They were playing that game where they tell each other to say a word and then say it louder and louder. Then SS said the 'n' word. ~According to the teacher one of his friends told him to say it and then he shouted it. Teacher had words with all of them regarding the word itself etc etc.

Now, FIL has used this word several times before so DH took this as opportunity to tell him what had happened and let him infer that SS had heard it from him and got in trouble in school. FIL said he wouldn't say it in front of the kids. I wasn't there for this 'discussion'.

Fast forward to this weekend. Me, DH, DD and FIL sat in the living room together. My DD says 'Where's nanny gone', FIL says TO DD, shes gone looking for a 'n' word. Before I could open my mouth my husband says something like 'Dad- what is wrong with you I've told you not to say that never mind AT the kids'

FIL says 'This is my house, they say it at each other if I want to say it ill say it' Then says 'I'm not racist'
I then say 'Regardless of what you think of the word personally, SS has already been in trouble for using it and I don't want them to think it is an acceptable word to use when it isn't!'

FIL gets up and huffs into the kitchen. We stay another 20 mins, then when we are leaving DH goes into the kitchen to say bye. Well the next thing they're shouting at each other - I take both kids outside to the car.
DH comes out and apparently FIL was saying 'This is my house - I can say what I want in my house'
Husband said 'Well it's either stop saying it while were here or we don't come is that what you want' further shouting and then DH said he said 'ok' they hugged it out and all was ok.

Now this morning at 7am were all asleep and DH gets a phone call from FIL who says ' I've decided I will continue to use whatever words I want in my house in front of the kids so if you don't like it don't come' So DH said 'ok' and put the phone down.

I mean I have never liked the man to be honest - he's nasty, selfish, uneducated, racist and rude. So why am I still shocked by this? I can't wrap my head around how a grown man would value using this abhorrent language over ever having a relationship with his son and grandkids. And all this without a thought for anyone else involved. I feel so sad for my DH (who says he's not bothered but who knows) and especially my MIL.

Also - I think FIL was possible angrier because I dared say something to him. He's very misogynistic.

I am actually so embarrassed that I even know this man.

That sounds awful for all of you, but at least your DH has his values in the right place.

Well done to dh for putting his foot down! Does MIL drive so can come and visit you? Or can dh go and pick her up and bring her to yours to see the children?

Ghastly, but you and DH are on the same page, and you both did the right thing. And yes, it sounds as if FIL is trying to assert patriarchal control over what happens in his own house, and is probably irked by the younger generation and a woman! shock horror! calling him out on terms that anyone now alive, of any generation, knows are horrifically offensive.

Don't be embarrassed that you know him.
He is your fil - you didn't choose him as a friend, you know him by default.
It's his choice that he would rather say certain words than keep the contact of his grandchildren.
Leave it where it is, don't visit,. Perhaps make it known that he is still welcome in your house but as with his- your house, your rules.

He sounds vile and you're all well rid of him.

MIL can come to visit you if she likes. Sounds like the break will do her good anyway.

Your DH sounds like a good un ( must be his mums influence)
I hate racists but I have to say that he does have a right to spout his shite in his own house ( although it would be good if it were possible for your mil to stand up to him since it’s her house too)
However, you have every right not to go and listen to it and I wouldn’t go there either, there’s a relative we won’t visit since Brexit as it seems to have given him “permission “ to show his racist views. He can visit us but abide by OUR house rules, funnily enough he won’t and we don’t much care.
It’s a shame for other people involved but hopefully your DH and DC can still see MIL

He is a racist and swears openly in front of your children. I would go no contact with this vile excuse of a man.

You can't choose your
family... (unfortunately)

There is no shame here for you and your DH

I think you need to keep your DC away from this man.

Good for DH! It's great to see you two standing together on this, you should be proud of yourselves. You've put your childten first.

I second getting MIL round by herself - she will probably thoroughly enjoy being away from Mouth Almighty.

Thanks for taking the time to read! I feel better getting it off my chest at least!
MIL doesn't drive and we live about 40 mins away - they have never really visited us we have always gone to them.
I'm just so sad about it all - I couldn't care less if I never seen FIL again but I get on really well with my MIL. The kids are not that close to them to be honest - and I'm currently feeling super grateful for my parents who are the best grandparents to both kids.

We were supposed to be visiting Christmas morning to see them and all their cousins.

I've just remember that FIL has I think 5 siblings and there's only 1 he still speaks to. He also hasn't spoken to his own dad since they fell out years ago before I even knew him.

I'm honestly baffled that someone would have such little regard for the effects of their behaviour on other people. Like he stewed on it all night and come to the conclusion that he would rather use the n word for the 2 hours we visit a week, than have a relationship with us, and also no regard to the position that puts his wife in.

Also - its not like he used it in a conversation (not that that would be any better mind you) But it was like he said it TO my DD to make a point, and was laughing, like anyone else in the world would even find it funny.

I have a racist FIL luckily he reins it in a lot whilst round the kids. He hates me because my father is rich ( not that I ever see any of it and my FIL knows I've worked hard for everything I've got). But he is always angry at someone he seems to thrive off it!

My husband and I decided to reduce our visits considerably and that has actually helped my DH. Although he still struggles at times and probably always will.

I can relate to the disappointment and heartbreak your DH feels but his parents have made their choice sadly your DH isn't their priority he probably never has been. Luckily both my DH & I have emotionally immature parents so support each other.

I would be honest with the children and say FIL couldn't be polite about other people and was teaching you nasty words (if the 6 yr old is mature enough explain why it's such an awful word to use) He wouldn't stop so we can't see him at the moment.

40 minutes away is hardly an impossible distance to deal with. Of course this blowup was going to lead to big changes in how you catch up with MIL, but I think you’re giving up on her a bit quickly.

Figure out a solution very soon, and get her over. Start a new tradition immediately. Don’t give FIL the satisfaction of controlling all the relationships and who sees who.

He wants to be the King of an empty Castle, ranting away to HIS four walls? His choice. Why does it have to affect anyone else?

Can you still visit your mil but just meet her out somewhere?

Your FIL has set rules that are not only obnoxious but self defeating. This is his choice. I would suggest that you facilitate contact in a neutral place so your MIL can see her son and GC. Invite FIL if you want but be clear that he can’t use offensive language in front of the you, DH and the children.

Let your DH fix his relationship with his father if he wants to but on the condition that your children won’t be exposed to offensive language again.

At least you know that your DH has courage and morals. It is also good that you recognise that this will be difficult and traumatic for him and MIL. Keep doing the right thing according to your joint codes and beliefs. Don’t get sucked into aping FILs intransigence and controlling ways.

Family is just people you know through an accident of genetics.

You have no obligation to maintain contact, talk to, see, or otherwise engage with this person.

You choose what kind of people to surround yourself with, in order to enrich your life and bring you joy. For some people that's their family, and that's great. Other people choose friends that are their family, and that's great too.

If someone contributes more negativity to your life than positivity then cut them out. End of story.

If it was me then I'd go NC with the father and simply allow the MIL to visit whenever she wants and be welcomed on her own merits.

Still go visit but don’t go to the house. Meet your MIL out at a cafe or softplay. Cut him out until he learns some manners. Vile man.

This is exactly like my dad, not very racist but has very strong opinions and believed everyone should let him do and say what he wanted in his house regardless of the consequences on my young Ds's. I gave him the same option as your DH and we haven't seen him for three years. I tried to reconcile after a year and went to see him but he just said the same thing as when it all happened and so that was that. For that first year my mum supported my dad (having never supported him in anything my whole life) but after that seeing the way he behaved during the 'reconciliation' she seemed to change her mind.
It's very sad for my children who were 6 and 4 at the time but they understood he was unkind and said nasty words and didn't want to apologise.
We now see my mum about 4 times a year which is also sad as we were always close and used to see each other every 1-2 weeks. But i feel being away from my dad is better for my children and me as well - I definitely feel less judged as a parent now.

I am surprised the school waited for the parent teacher meeting before talking about it, they should have called your DH in to the school straightaway.
Silence is the same as agreement.
To your kids - it looked like you agreed with your FIL's ideas and the words he used were fine with you because you said nothing. You heard his vile and despicable verbal abuse of people but you 'allowed' it.
It's a pity that it had to get to the point where your stepson had to be used as the ammunition for both your DH and yourself to protest at this.

Like he stewed on it all night and come to the conclusion that he would rather use the n word for the 2 hours we visit a week, than have a relationship with us
That 7am phone call was nothing to do with whether or not he has a relationship with you; it was about winning - about being the alpha male and putting your H in his place.

My H grew up hating his father and did so for most of his life until he learnt to tolerate him when the man was too old to be anything other than pathetic.

MIL has messaged DH saying she is heart broken and wishes she was a better mum and person and that she could walk away from him but she isn't strong enough.

We will probably meet MIL out of the house - we are over near their house often anyway as SS lives near them. I just want to go and hug my MIL - my DH sent me the screenshot of her message and I'm just crying (I'm pregnant and overly emotional as it is)

Honestly if anyone said that in front of me let alone my DC I would have gone NC that very moment that fucking word left they're mouth and my DH would have most probably have had to carry me out of the house so I didn't give the racist bastard a smack!

Please don't down play what the racist fucker is doing!!

I've seen what effect that fucking hateful word has and it's 2018 don't we all think it's about time that we started standing up against those idiots that choose to use language like that,what is wrong with people stop enabling the evil old sod!

Please don't anyone say it's an age thing because it's not it's a racist biggot thing,my Dad was in his 80's when we lost him and he'd never use that word and my DH's Nan is in her 90's and she'd smack anyone that said that word infront of her!!

Poor MIL! Could she come and stay with you for a few days or would that be too much for you all? If FIL knew she was ready to leave him he might start to think about the effects of his behaviour a bit more. And at least MIL would get a break from him and get to spend some pleasant time with you both and the children

Perhaps provide your MIL with the support she needs to leave. It would be great if the whole family could go NC with him. He sounds horrendous.