This may be long apologies - I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone in real life so I need to get it off my chest.
Background - FIL is racist, its fairly obvious after minimal conversation and I have always just walked away and ignored (one heated discussion around brexit a few years ago but that's it)
We visit every weekend for a couple of hours with 2 kids, 8 year old stepson and 4 year old daughter. They swear a lot which has always bugged me but have just put up with it and ensured the kids don't take any notice - neither of whom have any issues understanding what they can and cant say.
Anyway - a couple of weeks ago DH went to SS's parents evening and was told by teacher that there was an incident in class with him and his friends. They were playing that game where they tell each other to say a word and then say it louder and louder. Then SS said the 'n' word. ~According to the teacher one of his friends told him to say it and then he shouted it. Teacher had words with all of them regarding the word itself etc etc.
Now, FIL has used this word several times before so DH took this as opportunity to tell him what had happened and let him infer that SS had heard it from him and got in trouble in school. FIL said he wouldn't say it in front of the kids. I wasn't there for this 'discussion'.
Fast forward to this weekend. Me, DH, DD and FIL sat in the living room together. My DD says 'Where's nanny gone', FIL says TO DD, shes gone looking for a 'n' word. Before I could open my mouth my husband says something like 'Dad- what is wrong with you I've told you not to say that never mind AT the kids'
FIL says 'This is my house, they say it at each other if I want to say it ill say it' Then says 'I'm not racist'
I then say 'Regardless of what you think of the word personally, SS has already been in trouble for using it and I don't want them to think it is an acceptable word to use when it isn't!'
FIL gets up and huffs into the kitchen. We stay another 20 mins, then when we are leaving DH goes into the kitchen to say bye. Well the next thing they're shouting at each other - I take both kids outside to the car.
DH comes out and apparently FIL was saying 'This is my house - I can say what I want in my house'
Husband said 'Well it's either stop saying it while were here or we don't come is that what you want' further shouting and then DH said he said 'ok' they hugged it out and all was ok.
Now this morning at 7am were all asleep and DH gets a phone call from FIL who says ' I've decided I will continue to use whatever words I want in my house in front of the kids so if you don't like it don't come' So DH said 'ok' and put the phone down.
I mean I have never liked the man to be honest - he's nasty, selfish, uneducated, racist and rude. So why am I still shocked by this? I can't wrap my head around how a grown man would value using this abhorrent language over ever having a relationship with his son and grandkids. And all this without a thought for anyone else involved. I feel so sad for my DH (who says he's not bothered but who knows) and especially my MIL.
Also - I think FIL was possible angrier because I dared say something to him. He's very misogynistic.
I am actually so embarrassed that I even know this man.