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Original poster

Ex injured - childcare issues

29 replies

Upyerbum70 · 09/12/2018 22:22

Ex of 7 years. Lived together for 17yrs. He’s now married and lives a 90 minute round trip away. He gives me a spreadsheet of the childcare he’s prepared to do. DDs are 10 and 14.

I’ve a relatively new job in emergency services and I work shifts. My 78 yr mum stays here for the times I have no childcare but she lives an hour away and doesn’t drive so it’s a hassle.

Last week my ex came off his bike and has broken his hip. So now he can’t drive for however long. His wife has a back/hip problem and struggles with driving at the moment. They have no dependants.

The crux of the matter is that I’m being left to take the slack. I’ve already had to take a shift off work and drive DD1 to something he’d arranged to do.

I appreciate he didn’t mean this to happen and has apologised via text- wouldn’t normally be civil to me so I can only assume it’s the morphine speaking. But if the tables were turned -heaven forbid - and I was ill , then I’d be expected to just sort it out. But he’s ill and I’m still sorting it out. He has a dad who lives an hour away (near to my DM) who’s very active and drives etc. He had a sister/BIL too.

What would you do? Crack on and suck it up - or say something? I live on a tight budget and there are additional costs involved too. Does this make me sound horrible? Obviously Xmas is stressful enough for me as it is.

OP posts:
adayatthebeach · 09/12/2018 22:27

I’m not sure what your asking. You will now have to find help without child care he was doing? Your children seem old enough to spend time alone with some supervision. Obviously he’s not going to be able to help any time soon.

KMoKMo · 09/12/2018 22:34

I’d have to say something. Just explain you understand it’s totally unforeseen but puts you in a dilemma. To be honest I’m firmly of the belief that it’s his problem but I’m aware he probably won’t see it like that.
As an aside why do you accept a spreadsheet? Surely it should be regular arrangement?

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 09/12/2018 22:42

Sorry if I’m being vague. I’ve been trying to think it through this week but I’ve been bogged down with a cold and not thinking straight. He’s saying he can still do his EOW but not his one evening mid week visit. This I can understand. But now he’s saying his wife can’t ferry DD1 to her activity etc and I’ll have to have DDS here an extra night so she can still attend ( DD has an event in the new year and doesn’t really want to miss the session). I’ll be working nights that weekend / which is why he has them that weekend / and now my mum is being expected to step in. But I’m thinking why can’t his parent step in?

The spreadsheet was always his preferred method of communication. Not mine. But the parent that lives away from the children has the upper hand in that he can pick and choose his childcare. I appreciate others may be able to have more of a balanced approach but that’s not my situation.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 09/12/2018 22:44

Just ask him if he can sort out someone to help.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2018 22:45

How often does he have them and what do you need to cover now he can’t drive? Is he saying he won’t have them at his or that he can’t do the transport?

They’re old enough to be at yours without you. I was babysitting babies at 14.

What are the specific issues?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2018 22:46

X post, sorry.

7yo7yo · 09/12/2018 22:46

Tell him.
Tell him your working and he will need to sort it.
You can only hope!

RemindMeToMoveTheElf · 09/12/2018 22:47

I understand. He has family who could help fill the gaps and they need to be asked by him. So you need to email him directly asking if they can do so FOR HIM, as due to work commitments you cannot. Ask him to update you ASAP when he can.

cestlavielife · 09/12/2018 22:52

Is it only about the activity?
Some options ...
Ask him to ask his family members to help or
Explain to dd why she cant go.or
Ask ex for taxi funds. Or
See if there is someone else driving to the activity she can get a lift with

TeacupDrama · 09/12/2018 22:52

Unfortunately this is tricky even if you were still married in same house it would still be virtually impossible for someone with a broken hip to get DD to an activity when you were working.

We are married and when I damaged my ankle and could not drive for 2 weeks my own DD had to miss swimming as DH working, swimming was on a day I didn't work. If one parent is wicked or injured, it will impact the rest of the family is there any chance your child could get themselves to activity by bus cycling or whatever

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 09/12/2018 22:56

I’m Not comfortable with leaving my DDs unsupervised for 10 hours at a time - just wouldn’t work. It’s not the same as bobbing to the shops for something. Not really fair on them either.

Initially it’s the mid week visit that’s been cancelled. Ok, I can live with that. Then he said his wife - who has nothing to do with my DDs - will drive over to collect , but the weekend activity has thrown a spanner in the works as EX normalky schleps backwards and forwards all weekend, which I’m guessing she can’t do.

It’s nit really the detail I was asking about - it’s the oversell ‘being left to take up the slack’ issue. He would just ignore me if the tables were turned. I feel at a disadvantage all the time as the girls live with me and therefore childcare inevitably defaults to me. I guess I’m just pissed off and venting. I know it’s not his fault but would be nice if his family rallied.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 09/12/2018 22:57

The activity is near my house. He lives a 90 round trip away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 09/12/2018 22:58

90 minute round trip

OP posts:
adaline · 09/12/2018 23:04

What would you like him to do? His family members aren't obliged to help him out and it's hardly his fault he can't drive at the moment.

Can your DD not get the bus/a taxi/a lift with a friend for a few weeks until he can drive again?

Butteredghost · 09/12/2018 23:05

Yes I see what you mean OP. If you lived together and this happened, you would be doing everything. But if this happened to you in your current situation, he wouldn't take on an extra childcare and you would be expected to get by with family, friends or paid help.

Nothing can be done really. You can't make a man look after this kids, better women than us have tried and failed. Sympathies though, he sounds horrible.

Dirtybadger · 09/12/2018 23:12

Doesn't sound there's much you can do. He can't drive so can't take her and you can't either so she will have to miss it.

Unless you think his relatives will want to take her but just would never be asked...in which case you could ask them if he won't. But otherwise they're under no duty to- none of his DC are his family's responsibility just as they aren't your mum's (but she is obviously a more typical grandparent and happy and willing to help out with the grandkids). Sucks for DD but can't see a way around it Sad

Original poster
Upyerbum70 · 09/12/2018 23:16

Hmm 🤔 his family members aren’t obliged to help out- but he’s been more than happy to let my mum ‘help out’ whe he’s gone on holiday, or had a meeting to go to and can’t fulfill his part of the childcare arrangement.

buttered yep, think you’ve just about hit the nail on the head. Still f’ing annoying though.

OP posts:
surlycurly · 09/12/2018 23:17

Grrrrr I have this problem too with my ex as he seems to think that any childcare issues are my problem. He also cancels regularly at the last minute and I can't rely on him at all.
Feeling your pain OP

Grannyannex · 09/12/2018 23:23

Obviously you can’t drop work. The DC will need to put their activities on hold. Give him a spreadsheet of what you can offer in the way of childcare while he’s out of action but explain it will need to fit a round your work commitments. He’s used to you being flexible but things are different now your responsibilities have changed. Remind him that he has family close by and you can’t ask your Mum for more because she’s already helping out a lot despite her age.

theredjellybean · 09/12/2018 23:24

Why is it his share of parenting is considered 'childcare'
Not just his share of being a parent?
If you had a really amicable relationship you might feel more inclined to help but I think his attitude has not been good and really it's his problem.
I'd be very firm, his wife or family sort out doing everything he would do or he pays for temporary help at your house. Such as short term au pair

nocoolnamesleft · 09/12/2018 23:30

Surely you sort childcare if not available for your time, and he sorts childcare if not available for his time. That would be the only fair way!

LatentPhase · 09/12/2018 23:31

I feel your pain,OP. Still the default parent. Stressful on top is shifts.

Any friends they could sleep over with or get lifts with?

Dirtybadger · 09/12/2018 23:36

If he is dropping a night contact, ask for the difference you should receive in CM? He would be paying less if on EOW only. Might help go towards some childcare at least.

LemonTT · 10/12/2018 00:05

I understand the situation and the frustration. Perhaps it’s time to wobble your head and ask why are you owning and trying to solve his problem.

It’s an old trick but he dropped this monkey on your lap when he apologised. You should have said what for as DD will be coming his as arranged and he can sort it out with her. Instead you caught the monkey disguised as a sorry.

So ask him what his solutions are, bearing in mind neither of you can volunteer relatives. It’s up to him to ask and your mother should say no. It would also be useful to ask him to check what your daughter wants. She might not be bothered doing the hobby and will happily stay with him.

adaline · 10/12/2018 07:38

They're not obliged to help out though are they? Just as your mother isn't obliged to help out either - she chooses to.

What would you do if you were still together and this happened? Because he still wouldn't be able to drive and his relatives probably still wouldn't help out. Can you not tell him he needs to sort childcare/transport for the time he would ordinarily have the DD's as you'll be working and can't drop/swap your shifts?

I do sympathise and it is utterly shit that it's happened and he expects you to sort it, but maybe you need to stop sorting it and helping him out? Let him deal with it. His broken leg, his problem to fix.

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