Anxiety help

[Vivienne547]

Hi, after my husband's midlife crisis and subsequent crush on his younger colleague, I've been left with crippling anxiety and I can't seem to snap out of it.
Hubby and I are back on track but I can't seem to get back to who I was and the happy settled life I had. I have also taken on a very stressful job, and the anxiety is hurting my job security.
I lost my grandad recently, and my dog that I adored. It's been a tough year and I'm desperate to get back to me.
Does anyone have any advice on non medical ways I may achieve this?
I can't tell anyone that its not as though i want to die, but 8 do feel overwhelmingly like i cant go on or that i just want to sleep and not wake up.
I know that sounds silly, it's just how I feel. I'm not a weak person but this last year has taken its toll and I'm a shadow of who I was and it makes me angry and disappointed in myself that I should be better than this...

Vivienne547 i think its the combination of all these things that have set you into overdrive which isnt surprising, its a lot to deal with. You’ll be ok but you need to see your doctor asap. Ring samaritans if you feel really desperate. Your hubby has chosen you dont forget. Perhaps have some counselling always helpful to talk through your feelings

@lozzerbmc thank you for replying. I feel too ashamed to go the doctor, I do understand what you are saying and I know it's right. I worry that it'll affect my employment if work found out that I was struggling. Catch 22, I don't go and works affected I go and work find out and I could be managed out.... I do realise hubby chose me, can't seem to get back to fully trusting or believing, it's like my whole world crashed down and I can't get the pieces to glue back together. Thank you again for taking the time to reply.

Maybe try mindful meditation. It's very simple and has helped me a lot

Please don’t feel ashamed. I think anybody in your position who’s dealt with everything you have dealt with would be feeling the same.

I’m so sorry for your loses and what you’ve been through

Go and see your GP. There is no reason for your work to find out. Yes your anxiety is likely to be related to his almost affair but it could be the menopause or something else. The GP is trained to deal with this. Most people I know report that the GP is sympathetic and helpful. You can say marriage problems if you don’t want to go into the details.

Medication is an option but so is therapy and other techniques. Changes to diet and exercise are good ways to deal with anxiety. Yoga, walking and meditation all work.

But really you need to check you have the right diagnosis. If your hormones are shot to hell. Then it’s better to know that.

HRT worked for me and I got back bouncy thick hair 🤷‍♀️Btw I had done all the non medical interventions before going for medication: exercise , diet , yoga (oddly stressful for me) and meditation. They helped but I still got surges. These are under control and I no longer wake up in a sweat.

Anxiety can be a symptom of depression. It was one of the main symptom of my depression.
And it was also crippling.
So - didn’t want to let it run my life and went to a GP, then a specialist.

I don’t think strong anxiety is easily treated without medication.
Being a strong person you probably fell like a failure needing that - but it’s an old way of looking it it.
There is no shame with taking meds to get through a difficult period in your life. And getting couselling along the way.

Good luck

A doctor may really be able to help you get through this. Don't feel ashamed. Your employer wouldn’t have to know you had seen a doctor would they? You sound like a very strong person who has had a lot of losses to cope with and you are doing as well as you can do. Anxiety is awful and I really sympathise. I hope you feel better soon and find a way back to your old self.

Thank you to all of you for your kind and encouraging words. I found reading them comforting. I have thought a number of times about calling a helpline, that maybe just talking would help. In one way I know I shouldn't feel ashamed, but it's as if when I try and believe that my mind becomes more anxious and shame creeps in. It's like a spiral. Through the year of the midlife crisis I had to conceal any hurt or anger at every new discovery of betrayal, because he wasn't receptive and it would have broke us. I think this has compounded my anxiety. Periods were I thought we were back on track, feeling bit more secure then wham, I discover something that happened in the period when things were 'better. The last came a week after my grandads funeral, a year after all this began, and 3 months after I'd been promised it was all done. It seemed to be the point that I fell apart, I couldn't breathe with the shock. I had to push inside the loss of my Grandad and 'get over' the latest betrayal, to save the marriage..
Sorry to waffle on.. it seems to help just saying some of what is going on inside.. and actually based on that, the advice you are all giving is right, talking about it may be what I need to explore. I don't think I can bring myself to see a doctor, I know I should be stronger than this, and I know times have changed on how these things are viewed I'm still to ashamed. Funilly I'd never judge if anyone I knew needed support with such things, I'd encourage and offer the same advice to see someone, in fact I have done for a number of people in my team over the years. Funny how I can't seem to accept it'd be ok for me to do the same.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to write, I know my reply is long, but it's helping to finally start just opening up about some of it. Thank you.

I have found 5 HTP capsules amazing for anxiety.

Counselling is amazing when you find the counsellor and type of counselling to suit you.

If you're having trouble going to a doctor, try doing it in small steps. So the first day you look up the phone number and write it down. The second day you decide a time when you're going to make the appointment. The third day you make the appointment. And at each step, focus only on that step - just do not think about the end result of you arranging to see the GP. You have to kind of trick yourself into doing it without noticing.

I found the combination of medication and counselling especially helpful, as the medication actually helped me be able to think about the counselling more clearly. Have a look into the medication options - you may find that you have preconceptions which are not actually accurate.

@Vivienne547

OP - I am sorry, but to me it looks like you don’t as much have an anxiety problem as a H-problem.

He kept cheating after he started working on a relationship?
And you had to suppress your feelings about it because he wasn’t receptive?
Seriously?
And for what - to save what exactly....
Looks like you are sacrificing your mental health for a man who doesnt deserve it.

Given how bad it is - I am sorry - I don’t think you can just snap out of it on your own.
And - please - please - if you have kids - look at them and drag yourself to a doctor.
You really need help.

Maybe once you get it - you can look at your life and reassess choices you made.

@vivienne547
Agree with other posters that Dr is definitely the place to go. And if you don't have one who seems to listen seek out another. You need to feel like they're hearing what you tell them not just saying here's the meds. I don't mean that might not be what's needed but I notice you asked for non medical ways to tackle anxiety.
Mindfulness is great but when it helps you take the focus off yourself rather than going inwards. When I was struggling with anxiety I found i needed something to stop the inner whirr. In that state you're probably going over things in your mind constantly but not getting anywhere.
Nature works best for me but could be music or drawing. Something that really takes your attention and so helps you relax.

OP whilst going to your Gp is a good idea, l would really recommend Yoga, the traditional Hatha yoga, if you can afford private lessons please try it, it is incredibly powerful for calming anxiety, finding balance and improving energy, you don't have to be fit and it is pleasurable to do.

OP
A friend of mine who went to their GP, reluctantly after trying to fight it without medication, came out the consultation totally transformed in his opinion of GPs and the practice. He said the GP spent loads of time with him listening to the background and showed lots of empathy. The GP used shared his own experience of stress and anxiety. There was no judgement.

My friend got worried that this GP was on holiday when he booked for a followup and he needed to see another GP. But came out saying how wonderful the other GP had been. Again showing empathy and sharing their own experiences. Everybody has experienced poor mental health especially stress and anxiety at some time. We now recognise it and talk about it more.

Each appointment was 30 minutes or longer. GPs won't force medication on you and won't make you share more than you want to. When i had issues, my GP suggested yoga. It was quite funny because I tried it but found it weirdly stressful. She laughed and said she did too.

There are lots of things that will help, please try some. But please stay away from things that don't help. Sugar and alcohol are not your friends.

What sort of anxiety is it OP? Lots of worrying? Just a persistent physical feeling of being on edge? Anxiety about anything specific?

I can give you the link to an excellent self help CBT course for anxiety if you like. It’s totally free and evidence based under NICE guidelines. Not really a substitute for therapy with a therapist but could get you started in the meantime.

Hi all. Thank you again for taking the time to offer support.
@Vietnamese I'd love to give the link a try if you don't mind, thank you. The feelings I have are like my chest is tightening and my breathing is heavier. I have this overwhelming constant fear, my mind spins, I get a tingle sensation(Sorry don't know how else to describe it) in my body, my stomach is tense and I can't think straight. It's as if my mind starts panicking and I then feel like I want to cry, be left alone or calmed. I feel low, and insecure..Sorry I'm probably not explaining well.
I do keep thinking about going to the doctor, it's not as though I'm scared of the doctor, more that I'm too embarrassed/ashamed and the logical part of me fights this, as I know you are all right in that the doctor would not judge me and support. It's just this thing in me that keeps saying, no don't admit anything, you're not weak you should be able to just get over this. Sounds crazy when typing it...
I know hubby has created a lot of this, and I know I've had to suppress feelings, hurt and tears. And I know if I was supporting a friend in my position I'd be saying that they deserve to be heard, supported and comforted.. so I know this is going to sound pathetic, but the year of his crisis he really was a different person, a person who was not who I'd married.. everyone was stunned, everyone could see it was like an alien had taken over, they thought he was the last person who would ever go off the rails, he adored me and we had a good (not perfect) marriage.. I stood by and held it in because of the fragile state, everything I read said he may snap out of it, so I gave it 18 months as a target.. but he started to come out of it, and though the betrayal continued he was still in his crisis.. he honestly now seems to have finally snapped out of it and is back (mostly) to who he was before.. The consequence is I'm not who I was, I was strong, happy, full of life now I'm nervous, insecure and anxious... but I don't want to burden him, family or friends with this so I will definitely start looking into all the great advice on here... medication, yoga and music is where I'll start 🤗 build up to other things.. And hopefully I'll not need the gp, but if I do I will definitely try the small steps to building up to the app as suggested 😁 thank you all again.. it is helping as well coming home and just reading the kind notes and advice... doesn't feel as alone as it did.. And thank you for not judging me. ❤

I went through something very similar a long time ago. I found Homeopathy helped me tremendously. Mindful meditation, yoga and counselling are all great too. You’ve been through a tremendous shock. Seeking help and support is not weak. Take care of your own needs and allow yourself time to come to terms with things. It’s a sign of strength to nurture yourself too.

OP "I know hubby has created a lot of this, and I know I've had to suppress feelings, hurt and tears"

why did you have to suppress them? also not clear from your post how many times a "betrayal" has occurred?

I have A&D generally and yes, anxiety is the worst. See the GP by all means. however, I am concerned that the root of your anxiety is that you think he will let you down again.

the account you give suggests a husband problem. Whatever you do now, focus on yourself. Don't define yourself by this marriage.

Sorry op, no judgement on the mental health issues but I agree with everything @MMmomDD is saying on this.

Medication can be great for mental health problems but you're not addressing the root of your anxiety which is your husband.

You're essentially considering medicating yourself with mind altering drugs to allow yourself to continue in this relationship.

'Patching' the symptom is a temporary solution, you need to address the cause.

I hope you're feeling better soon

@moononthehill28 thank you. Nurturing myself is definitely a need. Just need to get a point where I can do that... I'm sorry for your own heartache, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. X I hope you are ok now..
@grace212 so, pretty long story. Married 12 years, I was blissfully happy. Hubby employs young assistant. Develops crush, I find a load of messages and photos (nothing sexual) but very inappropriate, 16 year age gap btw,. He blames me for neglect, I try to amend my neglect. He is cold, etc continues with inappropriate behaviour, but says wants to be with me, he's cold, blames me, doesn't know what he wants then wants me, then not sure, nothing wrong with his behaviour etc.. 2 months of this torture (more than detailed here) I leave. I could barely drive from the shock, go home barely able to walk.. he a good me of to bed so he can carry on messag8ng her. I leave in the morning. Came back 3 days later, admits to his crush but wants me.. still cold and off, selfish, egotistical, still working with her.. messages etc. Xmas do, he goes with her I'm at home. He stays at hotel and kickedoff when i asked if he'd at least get a taxi home... comes home next morning..messages but says he's backing off appreciates I left him to the party and didn't bother him. Things seem to improve but still distant and working with her. Come Feb, he's away to Europe for 3 days, forgets to mention she's going too.. ask him not to drive her to airport and he refuses because it's be awkward...didn't care that I didn't want her in our car, my seat.. he promises me he's over his crush blah blah reassurances blah blah... next month another work trip, she had to go again as she's the assistant etc.. then another trip.. I kept it all inside because he was not who he used to be but we had periods where it seemed to be getting back on track.. by April trips had stopped as hed changed roles.. seemed more attentive, messages reducing etc.. car ends up with a fault, pop to his gym to meet him for help (it's on my way hone) and there's her car next to his. I wait shaking. 30 mins later they both walk out, him touching her arm . I ran across the car park... etc... 3 months hed been training her in private.. promises that it'd stop,change gyms etc.. started to feel like gett8ng back on track.. I bottled all emotion as things still fragile.. we lose our dog, devastated.. she loses her cat (roll out the support messages) .. 3 months later I'm losing my grandad, this really seems to bring us close again, he was almost his old self, in fact I thought he pretty much was.. week after my grandad funeral he shows me he has a private folder on his phone with photos of me.. I smiled. Next day I asked if any photos of her, straighr to my face with a smile and hug, definitely not, would you like to check... nope I trust you.. felt good.. week later looking for docs on the I pad, his email address is on it and usually he emails certain docs to work to print out so checked.. couple of days earlier had emailed a load of pics of her/him, just her etc messing around at work.. plus some of the Xmas party where they just had a laugh, posing in a 'couple pose, arms around each other close bodies etc.. he'd emailed them over a couple of hours so not like he'd just had a mad moment and sent them, he's sifted through to what hed wanted to keep,emailed them to work then deleted off his phone...
So, lots more, but these were key moments were I'd been lead to believe he was over his crush, and wanted me, only to discover something else just as I'd started to believe.. finding the photos seemed to have really triggered an on going anxiety.. this last incident was 3 months ago..
Sorry, long story and prob seems pretty silly. I'd just had absolute trust and belief that he would never hurt me, let alone lie, sneak and emotionally cheat on me.. I still believe that if she'dhave felt the same he'd have gone, but she was just a stupid naive girl who enjoyed attention. I think he'd have regretted it in the long run, but at the time he was in full on fantasy mode 😞 so I kept it inside, hoping he'dsnap out of it.. and, without meaning to sound like an idiot, he really does seem to have.
Now I just need to fix me, and I think we'll be ok

Your problem doesn't seem silly at all, it sounds like your husband had a classic affair (whether emotional or more), including all the awful blaming tactics they use to divert attention away from themselves and make their horrible behaviour someone else's fault. It feels like they are deliberately trying to drive you mad. The total change of behaviour is also very typical. As is your anxiety.

I would suspect that your fears about going to the GP are part of your anxiety. You have been made to feel like you are always doing the wrong thing, and so you have become extremely sensitive to that, and have got used to trying to be perfect, to make up for your supposed faults as there's no way you can prove you are not the nasty, cold person your husband says you are. As a result, you feel like going to the doctor would prove you were mad/weak/making a fuss etc.
In my experience too, in fact the doctor looked at me and agreed that I needed help, and I was under great stress and suffering from depression and anxiety. That alone - just having my situation confirmed - was like a warm hug - which I hadn't had for quite a while.

I didn't give him a second chance so I can't comment on that. Maybe I could have, if he had ever acknowledged what he had done to me and the kids.

I was also prejudiced against medication, but having tried it out I can say that in my case, it was like the plaster cast you put on a broken arm - it doesn't heal your bone, but it supports the healing process. It enables you to think more clearly - so you can work out wtf is going on with the gaslighting a lot better, and you can decide rationally what move to make next rather than, for example, clinging on to a marriage purely from fear.

I had crippling anxiety for a year or so. It ruined my life. What helped? Getting rid of toxicity in my life, having a more manageable workload, and exercising - please don't underestimate the benefits of exercising, it's a great stress busting way to de-stress. It's changed my life.

@Vivienne547

Reading your description I only could think OMG.
Op - you anxiety is your body, your subconscious mind telling you what your conscious mind is refusing to admit.

Your relationship will never be OK. Couples get over the affairs - true. But it only happens when the guilty spouse is remorseful and wants to change. And when the couple has found a new and honest way to communicate.

Your H wasn’t ill. He was in the midst of a full-blown emotional storm - with a woman who didn’t return his affection.
You said it yourself - he’d have left if she did.

There doesn’t seem to have been recognition of what and why he did wrong. He just kept going until SHE stopped responding. None of that was about you and your feelings....

Having experienced that emotional high of a new relationship, he’ll want to feel that again. And next object of his affection might be more receptive....
You didn’t mention kids - so if it’s just you and him - it won’t be a difficult thing to leave.

I think you know this but are fooling yourself. And your anxiety is the symptom.

I am sorry.
Please - do get help.