Anxiety help

[Vivienne547]

Hi, after my husband's midlife crisis and subsequent crush on his younger colleague, I've been left with crippling anxiety and I can't seem to snap out of it.
Hubby and I are back on track but I can't seem to get back to who I was and the happy settled life I had. I have also taken on a very stressful job, and the anxiety is hurting my job security.
I lost my grandad recently, and my dog that I adored. It's been a tough year and I'm desperate to get back to me.
Does anyone have any advice on non medical ways I may achieve this?
I can't tell anyone that its not as though i want to die, but 8 do feel overwhelmingly like i cant go on or that i just want to sleep and not wake up.
I know that sounds silly, it's just how I feel. I'm not a weak person but this last year has taken its toll and I'm a shadow of who I was and it makes me angry and disappointed in myself that I should be better than this...

I have had a series of terrible things happen to me over the last two and a half years and have had terrible anxiety as a result. I can't go to the GP as I can't have any sort of MH issue on my records.

If you research long term anxiety, it's pretty established thinking that it completely changes the anatomy of the brain and the way the brain works. All of this is reversible but you have to have prolonged non anxiety to do this and I assume this is why it takes so long to feel better.
There is no quick fix.
Because I couldn't go to the GP I decided to try 5HTP and it has helped enormously to get me to where I need to be to start changing my response to triggers, learning mindfulness etc. I feel like I am on the path to rewiring my brain back now. I have started taking Vitamin D too as I suspect that is playing a part.
I really recommend 5HTP. It acts as the precursor to serotonin in the brain. I feel like it worked fromt he first capsule.
I was in tears most of the day. Everything seemed overwhelming and insurmountable. There is a way back OP. You have to find yours and do whatever you need to to get there.

He was in the midst of a full-blown emotional storm - with a woman who didn’t return his affection.
Read it again. They went away together multiple times. He stayed out at a hotel. They were meeting up. They were (are?) having an affair.

Poor you OP. You’re really going through the mill.

Here’s the link I mentioned www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Worry-and-Rumination

There are some simple worksheets too you can read just to see if you recognise anything they say about anxiety.

If you google your town/city + IAPT you should find your local NHS mental health service and if you ring them you can usually self refer so just skip the doctor completely (unless you want meds). You will receive an assessment, you can explain what’s been going on and then decide from there if you’d like to wait for therapy or just leave it. No pressure. Might help you to get a second opinion from a therapist, just their view on whether they think you could do with any counselling or not. Nothing to lose.

You sound incredibly strong, you know. There’s no shame in a little support. We’ve all been there. You can also ring the samaritans any time you like on 116123 or text or email them or even just go see them in person to sit and have a chat for an hour with a cuppa. It’ll give you a space to vent to someone who isn’t involved in the situation and you’ll feel less alone. You can google samaritans for more info. They’re not just for suicidal people, if you’re in distress or upset about something they’re there for you.

Lots of people care and want to support you 💛

@VietnameseCrispyFish thank you so much for this. I'll definitely look at it.

Thanks again to everyone. I know my anxiety is driven by H actions, and I know during his crisis he really was a completely different person. The reason I have not left is because the old H really is coming back. He does struggle to understand why an EA would cause such anxiety, to him if it's not physical it's not an affair, he no longer dismisses his actions were wrong but he also feels shame and doesn't want to relive it. I'm not excusing him, I just feel that to move forward I can't keep dragging up the fallout it has had, as this seems to take us a step back.
I do realise that I have every right to seek support in healing, and he does try if I do broach it. He's not like he was, he's no longer cold and we are both giving each other more attention. But he's not the empathetic type, never was, but on this particular subject he struggles because for him it was a stupid period, it's done, he feels ashamed so would rather move on. I get it, as no one wants to be reminded they acted stupidly and hurt someone, esp if you do care about them. So to help the marriage move on, I bottle it up. Not healthy, or necessarily fair, but I'm doing it for both of us.
It is a shame I've lost that security and have been left with the consequences, and I know I need to battle my way through, and that if he was a different person he'd help more. But he is who he is, he's not refusing to help or shutting me out, he just sits unable to comprehend so doesn't know how to react. And because it's talking about his idiotic actions, the shame makes him avoid it. So he doesn't respond.
He has said maybe I have an idea of how he should respond, and if he doesn't meet that then I don't get what I need, that he's trying. I think he is right, I probably do have some idea in my head of what comfort I get and how it should be enacted, and when not met I feel worse.
So, I realise for us to be better, and move forward I need to heal myself, for both of us.
All the advice and support has been amazing, you don't realise how much it's meant to me for people to take the time out to offer advice/support. It really is kind of you all, thank you

Do you have children together?
If not then is a no-brainer from where I'm sitting.
Please just get out.
Being there is making your MH worse and it will continue to do so unless you get out and get yourself some help.

maybe I have an idea of how he should respond, and if he doesn't meet that then I don't get what I need
Why won't he give you what you need? Because he's such a sensitive dear and it might set him off again?
The more you say, the more I wonder why you are with him. I gues you do have chidren? He's treating you like crap, and making you so terrified and guilty that you are running round in circles trying to please him, when he's the one who's been sleeping with other women, and if he wants back in, he should be trying to please you.

Wow, you are one very strong person OP. To have put up with that mostly in silence is an amazing achievement but I do think that you need more support. Please reach out to friends and family. Think about couples counselling and going to the doctor, if only to talk about your anxiety symptoms. Write down how you are feeling and please give yourself positive affirmations every day. Treat yourself and ask yourself how much longer you might put up with this situation. You don't deserve this treatment.

Thanks @FannytheW0nderDog, I don't feel strong at times, why I just want to sleep and not wake up.
I do understand why people are on the side of leave, but that's not what I want either. So for me, I need to take all the advice on options to help me so that I can be better.
I'm not justifying all his behaviour, and yes I do keep silent to keep our relationship moving forward. People do make mistakes, and some people can't forgive, I absolutely understand that.
I am being selfish too, because I'm here because I don't actually want to be separated. I'm not dependent on him, just simply that I was very happy, have forgiven, and feel that it takes 2 to make a marriage work... and yes, I do know that it sounds like it's just me, but he really is the old him. I'm not saying he's not remorseful or trying, he's just a person who compartmentalizes and so it's difficult for him to talk about his stupidity. He knows he made a terrible mistake, no point in keep hurting him to make me feel better, I don't want to be that kind of person and all it would do is break us.. it would become miserable for us both, then we'd be left with separating. So, in my selfish way I'm looking to fix me, because I want to fix us and be together. It's not always impossible to move on from betrayal and come out better as a couple.
He's genuinely not being horrible, he just doesn't cope with difficult emotion, esp when it's his shame. He never dismisses me, he just doesn't know what to say, and clams up and then I feel worse, and I see that all I'm achieving is hurting him.
If I can fix me alone, then it'll only make me stronger in the long run
We don't have children together, but he has raised my daughter as his own for 12 years... he honestly is not a terrible person, he just had a terrible period and was unrecognizable.

It's your choice to stay, but do make sure that you don't blame yourself, and he doesn't blame you, for his behaviour. It just seems like your needs come second to his, and your body is rebelling even though you won't let your mind dwell on it. Do give the counselling a go, it might help you develop a better means of communicating with him so that you don't constantly have to repress your feelings. For example, reframing the discussion so that you can talk about his affair without talking about "stupidity" or making him defensive.

Please try CBT
Didn't even know I had anxiety until , well I didn't.
Now I have so many little mental exercises I can put instantly into practise as 'unhelpful ' thought try to get into my mind.

Sounds very much like this infatuation with ow is done.
But it is only 3 months ago.
It's going take time to build up the trust. another good 6 months or so - sorry.

You absolutely right about not raking up the past. It won't change it and it'll just make you feel terrible.

It happened move on.

As long as you both know why it happened and the underlining issues / problems / unhappiness/ and are working on these reasons / issues you will get there.

My cousin had a very similar experience.

All well now but she'd be the first to admit she treated her dp
Like 'shit'. she really did have to get her acted together (she had been a bit spoiled as a child and always wanted her own way )

You are a strong woman.
You will get there

Thank you all again. I'll definitely try CBT .
I apologise if it sounds like I use terms like stupidity to him, I genuinely don't. I think that's just coming out because I'm talking on here. It's what I think sometimes, but on the odd occasion when I do try to talk to him, I always try to use respectful words. I read up on mid life crisis a lot during this period, and often the advice was to rephrase and approach things in a non judgemental way.. So I applied it when I did say something.. inside at times I wanted to scream, cry and yell all sorts but I kept it to myself. Often when I was alone I'd breakdown on my knees and weep uncontrollably, but would pull myself together once he was home. I never lashed out at him. I think in the end that advice did help bring him out of it, because I hadn't berated or judged him for his actions.
But, now he's better I want to fix me, as I can't live with this terrible anxiety, self doubt and fear. I need to sleep, retrain my brain and start enjoying life again.
I really appreciate all the guidance and support. I don't feel quite as alone now, and by being anonymous has helped me to focus on what I should try and do, rather than being ashamed to talk to someone who will see me

@robin2323 I really appreciate your words, I hope your cousin is ok. And I'm really glad your own treatment has helped you

@ravenmum thank you, I do try not to blame myself. I know he is responsible for his actions, but I do accept I should ensure I don't neglect our relationship.
I don't believe for a moment that he was right in his infatuation and actions and all he had to do was tell me he was feeling neglected and I'd have amended it. He does know that now, so I believe he does recognise that he was wrong in what he did.

My cousin is really good.
She looks so happy these days.
Saw her in super market recently with her dp and she was laughing
She's like a different person.
And like you she kept inside round dp (men can not cope with female anger )
But alone / with my aunt she was an absolute mess.
But I think it was good she was able to let it out somewhere.