Spouse unable to take criticism- require womens advice

[Mehman]

Hello, my wife is very sensitive when it comes to any kind of criticism and pretty much anything is seem as one. I know i am a pretty easy going guy and rarely ever coment on anything but this is getting daft. Off hand i can give two examples in how this would display.

Example 1. Wife coughes doesnt cover mouth.

My response. "Please cover your mouth when you cough"

Counter response "why are you so horrible to me"

Example 2 wife. "I think wine is stronger than port"

My response "port is a fortified wine so usually port is stronger"

Counter response "why cant you just agree with me why do you always have yo be right!"

Now im only casually saying these things its not like im mocking or constantly saying things that suggest shes wrong or dirty etc. In fact shes far quicker to pick me up on things i do wrong. So to the question, how do i approach this in a way where she doesnt feel attacked?

Stop criticising. If you can't say anything nice, keep your mouth shut.

Are those isolated examples in the midst of positive, supportive conversations? Or do you frequently pull her up on things and correct her? Was she in a normal happy frame of mind when those examples happened or were things between you already heightened?

You'll get all kinds of negative responses on here cause you're a guy.

She just sounds like a dick who can't take constructive criticism.

Everything Binky said.

Extremely isolated, like one comment a week if that, most of the time i police my speech and its only an offhand remark i say because i have not been policing my speech at work and so forget to self censor .

Are you sure you don't do it more often than you think? Equally are you sure she's actually feeling attacked..? My DH frequently says he feels like he can't give me any 'feedback' without me taking it personally but I don't know why he thinks that because I'm really not bothered 🤷‍♀️ he always seems to think when I reply that I'm getting really upset and defensive, but I'm just explaining why I did something that way etc 🤷‍♀️

Disclaimer: he may be traumatised by the time I lost it with him and then cried all evening when he made an unimpressed face after I told him what was for tea, but if so good, it was his own fault for being a dickhead for a significant length of time leading up to halloumi-bake-gate.

Thanks for the response, and the support on here. I am hoping to find a way to address it as this is an underlying insecurity.

It doesn’t sound good that you have to “police” your language. What do you mean?

look up narcissistic personality disorder
they can't take ANY form of perceived criticism

I may do it more possibly, but its would be infrequent. Especially as i try not to put a foot wrong in that way, the reason why i think she feels attacked is because we could discuss a topic like isbthe dree blue or gold. If i do nt say its the same colour shed ask why im calling her a liar rather than we see it differently.

To PPs saying "just don't ever criticise her" she's not infallible - it's ok to pull people up on things from time to time. Not covering your mouth when you cough is gross, and unhygienic.
OP have you talked to her about this? Not from a "why are you so sensitive?" perspective but from a "how can I approach differences in our opinions in a way that doesn't make you feel attacked?" Inevitably there will be things you disagree on, times when it's just a difference in opinion and times when one or the other of you is objectively right. You need to be able to talk about those things in a productive way.
Be open, though, to the possibility that you're unaware of how critical you're coming across. It might be that she feels you're criticising her every day, or multiple times a day, which would make anyone feel defensive.

By policing i mean making sure i dont say something thst might set her off. So for example say she speeds in the car and flashes a speed camera. She will be adament she wasnt speeding. If i was to say that the machines are rarely wrong but we can contest it shed yell.at me for not having her back. So id just say it will be okay see what we can do etc.

Thank you i will try that, and ill try this approach

I had a glass of port earlier, 20% on the label. Wine’s usually 11-12%.

If she’s acting that way she must have reason for feeling defensive. This could be from the way you act with her or it could be from her own insecurities or it could be from 100 other things but it’s a defensive action.

Try to take away her need to do that by building her up as well as making comments like that. Small comments that show you support her, appreciate her opinion and positive things. Ask her opinion and if you like something say so.

Too often when people are watching what they say it takes out the positive as well as the negative then the negative when it does happen is more impactive

Thank you, i think building her ups a brilliant idea, i often do anyway as she is brilliant, but no harm in doing it more!!

But which tastes nicer?

Thanks but she is quite critical of herself which i think would go against the usual candidates for that kind of disorder its just when other do it

Maybe she is feeling a bit down on herself in general? Is it recent or quite usual for her?

I don't think you've done anything wrong, but I wonder if trying some different approaches may improve things? Maybe joke more?

woman coughs without covering
man [sings] 'Ooh baby I love your germs, every day, yeah'

Make it a catchphrase. Do it yourself, cough in her direction and sing 'Ooh baby you love my germs, every day, yeah' etc. Or ostentatiously cough with your mouth covered and sing 'Covering up, covering up, clean guy, clean guy' to the tune of Moving on up. Or whatever. Basically, don't let her get away with something that is important to you, but try to make the communication different and see if she responds.

She sounds like a pain in the arse. Im sure she'd be quick to point out your incorrect statements.

Coughing without covering your mouth is disgusting. I knew that from childhood.

I don't think I'd want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells tbh. Why should you police what you say, when what you're saying are perfectly normal things, within the context of a (supposedly) loving relationship?

If she's like that with everyone, it's an insecurity that she should be putting effort into addressing. If it's just you, you've got bigger problems imo.

It is usual behaviour but certainly heightened at the moment. She is currently quite down

I'm going to have to do some soul searching I think, although she's always falling out with friends and her parents over similar things.

Maybe she is very defensive and annoying...but giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she’s feeling got at without you meaning to?
Instead of policing your language so you don’t say something critical maybe challenge yourself to say one appreciative thing to her every day for a couple of weeks and see if there’s any change?

To be honest if I’d flashed a speed camera I would be feeling annoyed at myself and the waste of money coming from the fine.
I’d really appreciate the passenger tactfully not making a big deal of it, eg maintaining a tactful silence/changing subject if she protests she wasn’t speeding.
If she was speeding she will get the consequences anyway so it’s not up to you to teach her that lesson.