Spouse unable to take criticism- require womens advice

[Mehman]

Hello, my wife is very sensitive when it comes to any kind of criticism and pretty much anything is seem as one. I know i am a pretty easy going guy and rarely ever coment on anything but this is getting daft. Off hand i can give two examples in how this would display.

Example 1. Wife coughes doesnt cover mouth.

My response. "Please cover your mouth when you cough"

Counter response "why are you so horrible to me"

Example 2 wife. "I think wine is stronger than port"

My response "port is a fortified wine so usually port is stronger"

Counter response "why cant you just agree with me why do you always have yo be right!"

Now im only casually saying these things its not like im mocking or constantly saying things that suggest shes wrong or dirty etc. In fact shes far quicker to pick me up on things i do wrong. So to the question, how do i approach this in a way where she doesnt feel attacked?

Read about Borderline Personality Disorder also called emotional instability disorder.

She may be hyper sensitive and have a poor sense of self?

@Random my thoughts too.

OP, is this the only issue in the relationship? If so I'd suggest it's minor, and you need to learn to cope with it. If there is more, please tell us what else is going on so we can form a more rounded view.

Erm to hand with us as a couple we are good but there are issues in affecting the relationship we are struggling to conceive and a lot of her self value seems to be tied to this. She is also very overweight and so her self esteem is generally through the floor i mean to me she's beautiful she's the woman I married and want to be with and I'm wanting to be able to constructively look at problems and fix them whereas she tends to have a blame mentality which is tied in with criticism. So for example (I feel I'm doing many examples) let's say we go out and we leave the dogs in the living room and they poop. I'd say "ah bugger we left the dogs out I'll get the cleaning things" shed say in the same scenario "great the dogs have sh*t that's because you left them out!" Despite the fact that it was a joint responsibility. So us struggling with conceiving even though she can't help her body not ovulating she still feels it's her fault and if i say it's not it's as if she can't comprehend it. She literally says "Well whose fault is it it has to be someone's"

Mehman
Honestly without being too pushing. Do some research on Narcissistic personality disorder. It is essentially a maladaptive coping strategy to deal with real or perceived threats to self esteem. It doesn't count it out just because the person criticises themselves. Its a spectrum so would from go from someone with these traits to someone with a full diagnosable disorder. If a partner did have this maladaptive coping style (learn and developed in childhood) there is very little the more balanced partner could do about it -essentially because the person would be unlikely to have any insight.

Were her parents critical people?

Mine were/are and it's been a long hard struggle to not be critical of others and myself. I am a very very harsh critic of myself.

She literally says "Well whose fault is it it has to be someone's"

Gosh, that’s very difficult to be around. There’s no right answer to that.

I will look into it then. Thank you

Not really they are pretty decent loving parents. Although I do notice that her brother is kind of the golden boy in her father's eyes. He is always saying (Whether around her or not) about his sons exploits and success and I know it upsets her. A little like Monica and Ross from friends but without the insults levelled at Monica.

Would she be open to getting some counselling? It sounds like she's very insecure and having fertility issues is tough - I'd be trying to get her help as a first port of call.

She does receive counciling I'm always available for her to talk to but I prefer to respect her privacy in what she talks about with them. There is nothing worse than people wanting to know your business. Especially if it could involve them and nothing a good light.

I wasn't suggesting you get involved in her counselling, only in her getting some if she wasn't.

If the genders were reversed there would be cries of LTB.

Walking on eggshells is exhausting and you shouldn't have to. An equal partnership means you could make an offhand comment without thinking twice about it, because either she would think 'im sure he means that well', or if she took it the wrong way and was hurt by it, a quick 'sorry, I didn't realise/mean it that way' and it would be fine.

My OH is like yours and is a STBX with this as a big part of it. Your wife needs either to claim some responsibility for her reactions & work harder at counselling. The comments you have made are perfectly normal and if, after soul searching, there is honestly no backstory/you putting her down, you have a choice to make re how much you are willing to tolerate.

I dont think this falls into narcisstc personality disorder - I think this is more to do with difficulty in conceiving coupled with weight issues - what medical advice have you been given with regard to this. Has your Dw been told that losing weight may improve her chances and If o is this something she Is struggling with. Some people use food for comfort and your DW may be blaming herself for being overweight and the new blaming herself for difficulty in conceiving.

It can be a very emotional time - you whole world can become so focued on this - suddenly all you see is pregnant women, people with babies. I know this i went through IVF.

Maybe get her some counselling as someone else suggested - and if you can just try not to say anything that will spark her - it’s not a case you are walking on eggshells due to NPD but that you are both going through a pretty stressful time and she is probably hating herself for not being able to conceive. Her thoughts will be if hate myself then surely you must too and any criticism no matter how unintended will trigger this thought process of. Part of her knows that her thought process is probably unreasonable and this is the bit that gets thrown back at you.shes also testing you to see if deep down you do blame her which I’m sure you don’t from the way you post.

Is there anything that you could do that shows her how much you care - things you used to do in the past maybe - she needs reassurance and kindness right now - good luck

I have been racking my brains with things like that. It is harder now than in the past (less dispsable+longer work hours + housework I mostly do) but I think there are still alot of of things I can do

A lot of what you describe fits us totally with regards to I've. And yes she does comfort eat and the weight has been hilighted as a potentil fertility issue. The blaming and criticising has always been there but has certainly heightened with the fertility issues. Also what does stbx mean? Someone else mentioned it and I don't understand a lot of these short hands.

If there was a golden child then there was also a scapegoat that gets the blame for things....

STBX - soon to be Ex

Thank you for the short hand. In the family frankly the dad tends to be the scapegoat Ive noticed, this may have been different when they were children.

They say people who are raised with criticism become critical (of themselves and others) as adults and struggle with self esteem and with accepting any form of criticism. She could try finding the positive side of things (as an exercise) to see if it helps. A positive approach may help if she acknowledges there is a problem.
TTC can make women feel inadequate. If there are no underlying health conditions weight loss would be a good idea as weight sometimes interferes with fertility. Has the dr suggested this?
Maybe it's something you could do together as a healthy lifestyle sort of thing. Tip: best way not to (comfort) eat unhealthy food is not to have it in the house - disappointing when you are desperately searching the cupboards and fridge for something fried and/or covered in chocolate but much more effective than willpower.