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Original poster

‘Ambitious, funny, smart’ - his online dating criteria

66 replies

Datinggirl · 09/12/2018 21:43

Why does this make me think he’s a bit of an arse? Is it just me...

Does anyone else find criteria like this off putting when online dating?

OP posts:
NoShitHemlock · 09/12/2018 23:11

I was browing POF earlier and came across a "Cheeky Chappy" - put me right off!

Winterhatsandgloves · 09/12/2018 23:11

Sounds fine to me. I wonder if women who are all those things would dare answer though, as it would be a bit blowing your own trumpet somewhat. It might feel like an interview:)

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 09/12/2018 23:14

Oh anyone who refers to themselves as a cheeky chappy would make my vagina clamp itself shut.

Ohyesiam · 09/12/2018 23:14

No, I m with you op, something about it makes him sound a bit insufferable.
I m not sure why as funny and smart I value. Ambitious puts me off though. Like he’s saying “ if you’re not a high flyer and a big success like me, I’m not interested “.

I think it’s maybe the lack of qualities that imply connection , (like kind, communicative, subtle, aware,honest) that makes it sound transactional rather than about relationship./ interaction.
And maybe that’s exactly what he wants, but like I said, it would put me off.

BlokeHereInPeace · 09/12/2018 23:15

Bloody hell they are just one-word vague wants, and they seem to suggest that he is looking for someone with a brain and a personality. In what world is that a problem?

Original poster
Datinggirl · 09/12/2018 23:20

ohyesiam exactly my thought

OP posts:
Sethis · 09/12/2018 23:25

Makes him bad at writing OLD profiles, not necessarily an actual arse. Could be both of course, but only one way to find out.

HereIgoagainxx · 09/12/2018 23:28

Ambitious doesn't mean climbing up the ranks to CEO of Apple. It could be a senior position that affords a good salary and early retirement.

I find ambitious men sexy!

GourmetGold · 09/12/2018 23:35

Oh, I thought they were words describing himself! Grin
Well I guess it's better than requesting a door mat! I know you have to put something down, but it always seems a bit odd to me, like ordering a perfect product, not a human being.

Josuk · 09/12/2018 23:41

OP - dating profiles are hard to write. They need to stand out, while it scare away potential dates...

I think he was just being honest about what he finds attractive.
If i were writing it - i’d say intellegent 😂... and i’d also end - easy going, passionate, curious about life...
These are things that attract me in a person.

If you had a bad reaction to the profile - then i’d move on to the next one. Or - given him a chance to see if your reaction is justified....

As a side note - I think this is a confidence thing. And you seem to be doubting if you are good enough. You really shouldn’t.

And as a btw - if I saw this in a profile - i’d be 👍 - because I am looking for that myself.

Musti · 09/12/2018 23:48

I think that's a good thing and qualities I'd be lookjjgbfor too. I said similarly in my profile about my criteria

WesternMeadowlark · 10/12/2018 05:47

I'd find it helpful as I'd avoid someone with that list. I'm very bright, but whether I'm funny I would have no idea as it's entirely subjective, and most people use "ambitious" as a euphemism for "wealthy".

Ambition is about attitude, not about results, but most people who say they value it don't seem to understand that.

When it comes to having drive and always wanting to make the most of myself in terms of my character and mental health - and not settle for being a less decent, less psychologically secure, less curious and open-minded version of myself than I could be - I'm very ambitious. More so than most people, I think.

That's my idea of aspiring to more. And that drive to self-develop rather than stagnate - or expect other people to push you - is very important to me in a partner, too. But people who say they value "ambitiousness" tend not to mean that.

All that having been said, people have used the sentiments I've just described having to mean "I am a waster looking for a partner to act as their ATM".

So what I tend to do is be very clear in my profile about being very independent but not career-minded, and if anyone specifying "ambitious" comes to me, I'll give them a chance. Just in case they're using the word in a general, rather than money/status-related, way, like I would.

WesternMeadowlark · 10/12/2018 05:51

Also, fwiw, I do think people who are looking for someone wealthy or high-status - or for someone to bankroll them, for that matter - should be able to say that without judgement. So that they don't feel the need to take other words and use them as euphemisms.

Neither of those is my thing, but unless I get dragged in without my consent, they're no skin off my nose either; the more honesty the better.

TheStoic · 10/12/2018 05:53

I would like reading that, personally.

Better than superficial 'qualities', and MUCH better than a list of things he doesn't like. I find that very off-putting.

What would you say about the sort of person you are looking for, OP?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 10/12/2018 06:38

I don't think there's anything wrong with those as a criteria list. I mean you have to put something right.
After using an online dating app, it doesn't take long to work out that all a lot of men are looking for is 'willing to have sex with me, let me muck you around or hava a house I can move into within 3 months because I'm a lazy twat who would rather use the fruits of your labour than create my own' .
So I'd initially think that he may be a tad more serious about finding an actual relationship.
I'd translate ambitious, smart and funny as I want someone with a bit of drive to make the best of themselves, who can mentally stimulate (as opposed to just physically excite me) who makes me laugh. All good things to look for in my book.

ShatnersWig · 10/12/2018 08:01

Odd. When I was OLD I saw lots of female profiles wanting those same three attributes in a man. I never assumed they would be a bit of an arse.

PolytheneSam · 10/12/2018 08:11

Whatever he mentioned is putting you off so that's one less profile you need to bother with.

booboo24 · 10/12/2018 11:37

They're the qualities I would look for in a man. No harm is stating what you want in my opinion

Sidge · 10/12/2018 11:58

I don’t quite understand your criticism.

I don’t think it makes him sound like an arse - to me it reads like he wants someone with a career, who is intelligent and witty. Not necessarily academically clever but sharp and has humour.

I’m OLD and I’d like the same - someone not necessarily intellectual but intelligent, witty, dynamic and aspirational. I don’t want to date a loser, I don’t care what job he has but some ambition is important rather than trudging along with no goals.

Better than some profiles I’ve seen - who stipulate what they don’t want rather than what they do...

Usernamealreadyexists · 10/12/2018 11:59

Sounds like he’s a high flyer. I read a similar profile except he added “badass smart and someone to drink vino with across the globe.” He sounds like a dick for sure.

GreenandBlueButterfly · 10/12/2018 12:07

I think it's a positive that he's looking for that.

Ambitious: he's looking for someone who is career oriented. I also find that attractive in a man so why not the other way around?

Funny: yes! He wants someone who he can have a laugh with. Why not?

Smart: would you really prefer if he was looking for someone dumb?

I think his list is very reasonable and it would not put me off

LittleMissBrainy · 10/12/2018 12:12

I'm actually with the OP here. I was a long time single before meeting DH and I did a fair bit of OLD. Those who specify certain criteria are either (as PP have said) either a bit of an arse or very bad at writing dating profiles. Many used to list the qualities they were after as though it was a shopping list. The ones that used to rile me the most though were the 'I'm not into playing games, so if you are, you're not for me' ones! As if anyone is going to say 'ooh well I'm totally into playing games so I'd better not contact him! 🤦‍♀️

(As an aside, I also avoided the ones who said they were 'honest', that should be a given, and not classed as a quality. )

If their profile is decent, all the qualities should come through without them having to specify them. You should be able to tell if they are funny, ambitious, kind etc.

Likewise, with the 'what I'm looking for' list the OP has posted, they're just after a normal person, most people would be looking for those qualities in a parter, without needing to list it.

HeckyPeck · 10/12/2018 12:21

Perfectly normal standards

Agreed. I’m not getting arse from this at all. If he’d said something like “dullards need not apply” I might think he was an arse, but he’s literally answered a section about what you’re looking for with 3 qualities and none of those seem bad in any way?

sollyfromsurrey · 10/12/2018 12:36

So what would be suitable qualities in your mind. I haven't done online dating but I am assuming it is standard to state qualities you are looking for. What qualities would you deem as acceptable?

Hopoindown31 · 10/12/2018 12:38

I'm guessing if you are put off by this he isn't the guy for you. Maybe he only wants to date women who aren't put off by his statement of what he wants.

I'm a bit puzzled why so many people are assuming this guy is either an arse or incompetent at OLD when he might just be trying to attract a particular type of woman.