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Original poster

He's Gone on Hols With His Mum

44 replies

SwordToFlamethrower · 09/12/2018 21:07

Hello everyone. I am feeling a bit confused so thought I'd sound out how I'm feeling and see what you think.
Been with OH for 4 years and in that time, his mum has had it in for me, she's always thought the worse of me and I've posted about on MN before. So this is the main reason I wasn't asked to go.

Me and OH moved in together (my place) after 2 years LDR. I have kids here so I wanted to do things slowly. We've been happy. TTC the last 18 months (no joy) and we've talked tying the knot too.

His mum is from a European country and asked OH if he wanted to go away for a week to visit family and he said yes. His mum paid for everything as we are skint.

He's been away for 6 days and due back in 4 days time. I thought I'd be in bits missing him, but I haven't. In fact, I've really enjoyed being able to focus on myself. I've gotten loads done around the house, spent quality time with my kids. It's been lovely.

I feel guilty. Shouldn't I be pining for him? I'm actually a bit angry that he went without me. The last time we saw him mum, there was an almighty argument which hasn't been resolved. She told me what she really thinks of me, that I'd gaslighted OH into falling in love with me and alsorts.

Part of me wants him not to come back. I have a mental illness (C-PTSD) and I get horrible panic attacks and nightmares. I genuinely thought I'd be in a terrible state without him to help me feel safe. But I've been fine during the day (nightmares are worse though).

Does this mean I don't love him anymore? I know it sounds like a stupid question, I'm asking myself as much as anyone who reads this.

He wanted to speak to me on the phone last night but I told him I was too tired.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 21:21

Should you really be trying to bring another child into this?. What basis is there really to marry this man?. What has he brought really into your life here?.

He has moved himself into your home, you have C-PTSD, you are skint and he has now gone on holiday with his mother who hates your very being. This is a complete mess of a relationship and it could be argued that you and he now should not be together at all. What do you get out of this relationship that is for you worth having?

Are you receiving treatment for your mental illness?

Lordamighty · 09/12/2018 21:24

^^
Everything AttilaTheMeercat said - with bells on.

Piratepolly · 09/12/2018 21:31

Have to agree, why the heck are you trying to conceive in this situation??? Seems like a really really bad idea to me Confused

Why on earth do people rush to have a baby when they havent sorted out the basics of their relationship first. Please sort your head out on what YOU want out of this situation before you take such a colossal step.

Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 09/12/2018 21:43

Blimey :(

OP posts:
Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 09/12/2018 21:47

It sounds like you're all saying I'm in the wrong here?

I am seeing a psychotherapist for my c-PTSD to get it under control.

Why on earth do people rush to have a baby when they haven't sorted out the basics of their relationship first. What basics are you talking about?

OP posts:
KataraJean · 09/12/2018 21:55

I think it is quite healthy not to pine for someone, to be honest. It shows you are independent and self-sufficient. It seems more odd to not want him to come back, though, or not to want to talk to him - why exactly do you think that is?

Prisonbreak · 09/12/2018 22:07

If my OH is away for a few days for whatever reason, I really enjoy my ‘me’ time. However if I knew he was gone and never coming back I’d be pining and heartbroken

Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 09/12/2018 22:28

I just don't know Katara. He doesn't do much around the house (compared to me) and spends all his time on the computer, doing his hobby/business. He doesn't suggest doing things very often, he will happily go along with whatever I suggest. He's easy going.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 09/12/2018 22:41

Sorry but I'm another who thinks it's totally irresponsible to TTC in this situation. And TTC 6 months after moving in together is not taking things slowly... Hmm

CottonTailRabbit · 09/12/2018 22:44

He's not easy going. He's a leech. That's why you don't miss him.

CottonTailRabbit · 09/12/2018 22:46

The basics are good mental health, money, a partner who makes an effort.

Refilona · 09/12/2018 22:48

A little unfair to say he’s gone on holiday without you when he’s visiting family - I often go and see my family abroad without dh if he’s working and can’t take the time off and never think of it as going on holiday without him.
I think you need to think about the future of your relationship and as PPs said, make sure you want a baby with him.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 22:49

Everything AttilaTheMeercat said - with bells on

THIS THIS THIS Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/12/2018 22:49

Do you want to stay with him?

Why would you?

His mum hates you. He's left you for 10 days to go on holiday with her when you were concerned that it would worsen your condition. He does nothing around the house. You don't miss him. You don't want to talk to him.

It sounds like you'd be better placed to plan how to separate without causing too much upset to your children.

GourmetGold · 09/12/2018 23:02

It's a sign of good mental health to feel fine with or without your partner...it means you feel good about yourself. Only you know how you feel about your partner, being happy without him doesn't mean you don't love him. Plenty of people don't get on with in-laws..I don't think it's a reason to break up with someone...or everyone would be single Grin
If you're not sure, definitely take things more slowly, don't rush to have a baby.

Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 09/12/2018 23:04

I'm feeling guilty because he is really loving and thinks the world of me.

It might seem quick, ttc after 6 months, but we were together 2 years at that point.

I guess it wouldn't have been fair to try and stop him from visiting his family and he couldn't go last year. I told him I'd be fine.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 09/12/2018 23:06

Do you think the world of him?

GourmetGold · 09/12/2018 23:13

It would be really unrealistic to not expect him to visit his family. I can understand you'd be annoyed with his mum for her nasty outburst.
It sounds like you are very fond of him... most relationships are more intense to begin with, a few years in and things are less intense, so you feel okay when he's away...but it definitely doesn't mean there's no love.

Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 09/12/2018 23:20

I do think the world of him, so why don't I miss him loads???

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Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 09/12/2018 23:27

Gourmet Yes that's probably it. I'm speaking to him on the phone now and his mum can hear everything so I am just keeping the conversation light and easygoing as she is chiming in to our conversation. They are sharing a hotel room to keep the costs down.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 09/12/2018 23:36

She's not going to change her view of you. How does he feel about his mother being hateful towards you?

Perhaps the relief of her being away too is eclipsing any chance you have of missing him.

BackforGood · 09/12/2018 23:39

My dh and I have been together over 25 years.
He is my absolute rock.

However, I do quite like it when he is way. It's nice to be aable to do things without having to fit around different timings or different tastes or likes or dislikes. I certainly don't 'pine' for him. So I don't see any issue in you enjoying a few days of your own space.

I don't think it is odd for him to accompany his Mum to see family in another country either. Perhaps even more so if you and his Mum don't see eye to eye.

I do however think it is a bad idea to be trying for a baby with someone you have only lived with for 6 months, and seem to already be having doubts over. Don't bring a child into the world until you are clear about your relationship long term.

CottonTailRabbit · 09/12/2018 23:39

See how you feel when he gets back. If you feel lighter like life just got a bit nicer and easier then that's good. If he irritates you and makes life harder then that's bad.

Dirtybadger · 09/12/2018 23:45

I think the fact you were in a LDR might be relevant.

DP and I were in a LDR for a few years. We now see each other most weeks for 1-2 nights. If we don't see each other for a few weeks because I'm working weekends or something I don't particularly miss him. I'm used to be being on my own, and like my own space, and am very busy.

But when I do see him, I am very happy and relieved actually. I just don't really get the "need" before. I didn't even when we went longer between seeing one another. Mixture of the relationships dynamic and my own personality.

However "he doesn't do much around the house" and spending all his time on the computer doing his hobby Hmm might be the thing that is making you feel like this rather than a love for alone time and good self esteem and independence!

Original poster
SwordToFlamethrower · 09/12/2018 23:45

Thanks for the advice. We've been living together almost 2 years now, together 4 years.

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