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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's Gone on Hols With His Mum

44 replies

SwordToFlamethrower · 09/12/2018 21:07

Hello everyone. I am feeling a bit confused so thought I'd sound out how I'm feeling and see what you think.
Been with OH for 4 years and in that time, his mum has had it in for me, she's always thought the worse of me and I've posted about on MN before. So this is the main reason I wasn't asked to go.

Me and OH moved in together (my place) after 2 years LDR. I have kids here so I wanted to do things slowly. We've been happy. TTC the last 18 months (no joy) and we've talked tying the knot too.

His mum is from a European country and asked OH if he wanted to go away for a week to visit family and he said yes. His mum paid for everything as we are skint.

He's been away for 6 days and due back in 4 days time. I thought I'd be in bits missing him, but I haven't. In fact, I've really enjoyed being able to focus on myself. I've gotten loads done around the house, spent quality time with my kids. It's been lovely.

I feel guilty. Shouldn't I be pining for him? I'm actually a bit angry that he went without me. The last time we saw him mum, there was an almighty argument which hasn't been resolved. She told me what she really thinks of me, that I'd gaslighted OH into falling in love with me and alsorts.

Part of me wants him not to come back. I have a mental illness (C-PTSD) and I get horrible panic attacks and nightmares. I genuinely thought I'd be in a terrible state without him to help me feel safe. But I've been fine during the day (nightmares are worse though).

Does this mean I don't love him anymore? I know it sounds like a stupid question, I'm asking myself as much as anyone who reads this.

He wanted to speak to me on the phone last night but I told him I was too tired.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 09/12/2018 23:52

You asked about the basics of your relationship...if you love someone enough to commit your life to them - you don't even think about whether you love them or not when they are away for 10 days. They could go away for a year and you would still love them. I'm sorry but I think you might be confused if you are doubting whether you love him and its a terrible idea to then try for a child together.
And while I agree that there is an issue with his mum you both need to sort out - I don't see an issue with a son spending time with his mum visiting his relatives. If you love someone unconditionally - you are happy for them to spend that quality time with their raging mum rather than making it about you.

ittakes2 · 09/12/2018 23:53

sorry ageing mum!

HollowTalk · 09/12/2018 23:56

He and his mum are sharing a hotel room? And he knows that she hates you, yet he doesn't go elsewhere to chat with you?

OP, I would listen to your instincts here. He sounds lazy and passive. What's he bringing to the relationship? I wouldn't dream of marrying someone like that and definitely wouldn't have a child with him.

Kristingle · 09/12/2018 23:59

How many kids do you have already ? Is their father involved in bringing them up ?

Who is going to care for this next child if he’s always on his computer ?

How are you and your partner going to share the childcare and housework ?

Can you ( alone ) afford to raise another child as well as those you have already ? Do you work full time or part time?

BackforGood · 10/12/2018 00:02

My apologies. I read it wrong and thought you'd only live together 6 months must stop having about 6 threads open at once.
Although that said, you had when you started TTC (prob where I took the impression from - but I got it wrong so I apologise for that).

However, as others have said, if you are trying to work out if you really do love him, then it doesn't seem the right time to be bringing a baby in to the world.

GourmetGold · 10/12/2018 00:05

I know a lot of books & films portray love as this 'intense passion' but it's really unrealistic for this to happen in long term relationships, but it obviously sells books etc
I think it's shame when people buy into this romantic 'ideal' & might think there's something wrong with their own relationship, because there's not this intensity. But honestly it's more likely to be the early days only, growing into something much more toned down, but no less valid.
I think most people would get very worn down by someone 'missing' them constantly, crying when they're away...could be really suffocating & unhealthy!
Loving someone is also being happy for them to do their own thing. Sounds like this is what you're doing, which is fine.

lboogy · 10/12/2018 01:17

Nothing wrong with not missing him. My DH goes away sometimes and I don't miss him. I have my family or friends come over and get on with bite and pieces around the house

Not helping around the house is an issue only if it bothers you - only you know if it does.

His mother ... it's not a holiday is it? He's going to visit family so what's the issue? Did you want to go? His mum sounds like a nightmare so maybe that's why you don't miss him knowing he's with his mum and you know if you went with him you wouldn't have fun.

Long term you need to think about your relationship with her because once a child comes along your DP will be the go between for your DC

I sometimes feel people on MN get a bit of info and then decide divorce / separation is the solution when sometimes a conversation to iron out issues in a marriage is all that is needed

Monty27 · 10/12/2018 01:23

Kick him to the kerb and leave the wet weekend with his mummy

halfwitpicker · 10/12/2018 01:25

I'm feeling guilty because he is really loving and thinks the world of me.

And he shows this how? Tells you your beautiful?

Then fucks off on vacay with his mother? Whilst you stay home, keep the fire burning and the mortgage /rent paid?

Ha'penny and gingerbread, that lad.

Wise up op.

HelloItsMe · 10/12/2018 01:34

My partner works away Mon to Fri, and I love my me time when he is, although still enjoy and love his company ofcourse also. There's nothing wrong with that part it's pretty normal not to miss him... A week isn't all that long really. His mum sounds like she's a bit jealous that her precious son has someone else to love and need other than her, just be polite and ignore her attitude towards you since people tend to seek dramatic reactions. He isn't going to reject his mum when she's asking him on a family trip he probably would feel bad telling her no to be fair. If you honestly know you have a kind loving man and when your with him you enjoy his company and feel loved then you have nothing to stress over ..
Just remember some parents find it difficult to see their what once was their young child that needed them for everything have their own family and no longer depend on their love only, she might come round one day and face the facts but until that happens ignore.

BirdseyeFrozen · 10/12/2018 01:37

He is on holiday for ten days staying in the same room as his mother?
That is not usual behaviour, for either of them.
C-ptsd is a very tough condition to have, so very sorry to read that. Yet you are doing ok on your own. That is good well done you.

Perhaps it is time to move on from Mummy's boy?

It sounds as though you may have outgrown him, and his mother will always be a dark shadow in the background. She is too close to him, weirdly so.
All good wishes for the future, whatever you decide..

Original poster

SwordToFlamethrower · 10/12/2018 18:26

Thank you all for your kind words of advice. :) I think because of my current relapse (I had been in good mental health for about 3 years before relapsing after my mc last May) I thought I wouldn't be able to cope without him because he is my rock. But I have been ok so far (apart from the nightmares) and it shocked me and I felt guilty!

He is very loving and affectionate. A gentle soul, he's just been waited on hand and foot while he lived at home with his mum for 29 years. The he met me and had to become a step dad and a partner and share, which took him a bit of getting used to.

I've been independent for many years so maybe it's that. Maybe I am still happy to be alone when the need arises.

My ex and I are very good friends and we live five minutes away from each other. In fact, my ex and DP also get on well, so no issues there.

Maybe I'm just a perfectionist... That's why I came here for some friendly advice. OH is going to quit his work and be my carer so we will always be skint! I used to own two companies about 10 years ago before falling ill.

Hopefully with the therapy and time, I can get back on my feet, just like when I had my first two kids, I was in a very good financial position.

OP posts:

SevenStones · 10/12/2018 19:22

He doesn't do much around the house (compared to me) and spends all his time on the computer, doing his hobby/business.

And you say he's going to quit work and become your carer?

DaffydownClock · 10/12/2018 19:35

So he's going to do even less to contribute when he stops work to become your carer? Who's the carer while he's away?
Sounds like he is substituting you for his mother and you'll be running around after him 24/7 ☹️
If you're managing pretty well with him him away wtf would you want him lounging around contributing very little all day?

CottonTailRabbit · 10/12/2018 20:24

Surely he should be working more not less so you can hire some actual useful home help.

BirdseyeFrozen · 10/12/2018 20:31

Righty ho then, good luck with that OP

halfwitpicker · 10/12/2018 20:34

What birdseye said

KataraJean · 10/12/2018 21:50

This makes no sense though. You say you have managed while he was away and you got on with stuff. You also say you do most of the housework. Why do you need a carer? A period of depression after a loss is normal, not really a relapse.

I mean this kindly but I very much understand the cycle you get into with TTC and miscarriage. It makes it very hard to judge what is sensible because you are on this track of wanting a baby. But this plan is not really very sensible - this man seems quite immature and unsupportive in day to day practical terms and his mother does not like you, and you are putting in all the practical work and emotional labour - whilst thinking somehow you need a carer because you had a normal reaction to miscarriage and an unsupportive partner. He is not being your rock if he is hobby-ing and gaming all day and going off on holiday with his mum and saying he is going to give up work and you are going to live on air. Whose idea was that?

And he did not ‘need to’ become a stepdad and share, he chose to. He chose to come into your life and your son’s life. That is a privilege not a burden he needed to take on. You do not need to act like his domestic servant because he ‘needed to’ leave his mum and move in with you.

How do you think your life would look if he was not living with you and you managed to carry on doing the things you have been doing? Better or worse?

FinallyHere · 11/12/2018 09:04

He doesn't do much around the house (compared to me) and spends all his time on the computer, doing his hobby/business.

Why am I not surprised that he lived at home, then moved in with you, and now... doesn't do much around the house. Does he mostly leave your DC to you, too? How are your finances split, how much does he contribute to the household, financially and in day to day work?

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