Your relationship after a baby: will it always be like this??

[babygooner]

So, DH and I, who have always had the best and most equal of relationships do nothing but squabble and bicker since DD was born 6 months ago. I am turning into every mother/housewife before me doing all the household chores, looking after DD and nagging DH. It wasn't supposed to be like this! He's not a bad bloke, in fact he iss a great bloke. But that is what makes it even more depressing! Please tell me it gets better! Or this just what happens when children come along.. you turn into your mother!

Hmm, I have to say that Making Time For My Relationship was the last bloody thing I could face either time round. Not with so much I already had to cope with. Sorting out a babysitter is something I've only felt up to in the past few months, I'm afraid (my youngest is four).

I tend to feel that if you stick it out long enough the hatred turns back into weary tolerance and then quite possibly into affection.

Yup, as most of the other posts have stated - perfectly normal and it does get better!

I remember sitting up in bed breast-feeding and looking at dh lying there, snoring and oblivious and hating him, I mean, really hating him. We bickered incessantly, about the most petty things...ugh, it was horrible. We both changed - and neither of us for the better.

Agree absolutely with mi's "I tend to feel that if you stick it out long enough the hatred turns back into weary tolerance and then quite possibly into affection."

Stick at it...

v relieved to read this, baby coming up six months and i am so sick of all the bickering... i know i love him somewhere!

Sounds pretty normal to me...

Though if you're going back to work, then obviously somethings going to have to shift, as you can't work/do the rest of the childcare/do all the domestic crap.

As choosyfloosy suggested - you need to sit down and go over exactly what needs to be done - and split it all up:

Who's going to do the drop off at nursery
Who's doing the pick-up
What's the plan when dc are sick and can't go
Cooking
Laundry
Gardening
etc,
etc.

Couple of hints that can help,

(1)Try and have this conversation when you're both more in 'nice' mode rather than 'hate'. Be affectionate when DH comes home (even if you don't really mean it), get a takeaway, glass of wine, etc. These conversations work a lot better if you're in the right frame of mind. After sex helps.

(2)Once you've shared out the domestic stuff, make the stuff that's his responsibility, his responsibility. Try not to nag or micromanage.

(3)Fortunately, once you're back at work, the problem may reduce a bit as the attitude of "oh well, while you're sitting at home with the baby, you can clean the house" may drop off.

(4)Get time to yourself. looking after DC and doing the all the domestic stuff breaks anyone. Do whatever you have to do to get regular breaks.

Last, you might want to remind him that it's been statistically proven that men who do their fair share of housework and childcare get more loving.

(also - someone suggested the book "babyproofing your marriage"? read it - and get DH to. You may find some scary similarities to your story.)

oh god do i relate to this. after bitching about how pathetic and petty she was for years, i too have become my mother. i WAS a radical feminist, and now i appear to be a housework obsessed, grumpy hag who cant read anything more challenging than the saturday guardian. outside of childcare its all i seem to have time for, so when i meet up with friends and they discuss climate change, or whatever, i can at least pipe up with what i read in the paper.

me and my dp used to never argue, especially not over chores or money or anything ridiculous, cos we were both furiously independent, but really relate to the shower comment, cos it REALLY annoys me that he spends longer in the shower than i do! what bugs me is i expected 50/50 childcare, it didnt even occur to me that i would do more.

its been 9 months now and it IS getting better. we argue less, he does more childcare, him and the baby are getting closer, and im breastfeeding less so lo's not quite as glued to me. im in a bit of a weird position cos he's at home most of the time, my lo gets both of us to play with, but he's a musician so goes away sometimes to play gigs. he's just got back and is sleeping it off upstairs. i see his going away as him OWING me childcare. but instead of coming out and saying it, i will usually make stupid snide comments, or do a big martyr trip to expose him...just the sort of nonsensical behaviour my mum used to get up to!

i now think about splitting up only weekly rather than hourly. but im still waiting for our once amazing sex life to become at least mediocre!

It is a crazy thing to say to someone with a new baby, but getting a sex life back on track helps - it makes you a couple again and that intimacy is vital when you are both struggling.

Paul Coehlo reckons that the average shag takes 11 mins, so even if sleep is at a premium, it may well be 11 mins well spent!

warthog, we spent the whole weekend a few weeks ago bickering because DP had a bath!!!! I DO hope it gets better soon, cos im still knackered and DD is nearly 2 - but im a crap mum so its my own fault, im so disorganised and lazy grrrrrr

Yeah, i used to be a rampant feminist too, now i LOOK FORWARD to mother and toddler groups.

I used to be a slut, now i pretend to be asleep

i used to support and "be there" for my DP - now im just "there"

oh somone please shut me up

lucyellensmum - are you me!?!

i used to occupy BAE's offices, now i go to softplay sessions....

i used to use the internet to download arthouse films, now i go on threads about reusable nappies

i used to choose a top for the cleavage it would show, now i choose one for the vomit it will conceal....

Sex can also be a very useful tool in the armoury of things to get DP to do more housework. I am "too tired from too much housework" for sex, if I think DP is slacking too much on the chores. It's quite effective.

hmmm. what if i'd rather do housework than have sex ?!? (im wrong, i havent become my mother, ive become my grandmother! and she was like margaret thatcher. oh god. no wonder im not interested in sex!)

another tip: me and dp have a bottom line that we both go out seperately one evening a week. we can ask for more than that, (dp was out sat, sun, mon and is out wed! but that's playing gigs so it doesnt quite count), but it really helps me to feel like a bit of a human being again, sitting with a pint in the pub flirting with my favourite ex-boyfriend!

we claim to go out as a couple once a month too, but we dont always manage it. we do dates in though; my lo goes to bed at 7 which gives us about 2 hours before we need to turn in! and we often watch a film, have a nice dinner, open a bottle of red. we have friends round for dinner about once a week too. so it feels like i have a social life outside of Fun with Music.

im not one for advocating a division of labour based on gender, but in our house it does help in a way that there are some things i do, and some dp does. he always makes the muesli and does the birdfeeders (i cant reach), i always take lo to babygroups (dp cant bear to talk to other people about children). and dp and son do a couple of things together (no, not football, its not that bad!)

we are working towards 50/50 childcare. and i have an insane faith we will get there!

We aim for 50:50 housework and childcare, we're not far off that but DP, left to himself, does focus more on the DIY than the boring old cleaning.

fennel, can i borrow your hubby, my DP has lots of DIY to do.

I'll swap him for someone with a cleaning obsession

Fennel - mine! He can sail too, is that any help?

no - i asked first, its my swap cant help with the cleaning obsession though

key is how do you sort it out in terms of time/tasks or what. An hour spent sorting out cd collection is not the same as an hour making supper/putting out the washiing/stacking the dishwasher/supervising dc with playdough !

i find asking DD1
"do you want mummy [said in quiet boring voice] or DADDY [said in loud excited voice] to give you a bath/take you to bed/read you a book/take you to park" etc...
means that he ends up doing more than his share of child-stuff when he is about!

my dh also takes him to see his mum every few weeks, i never go. she is cool with this, i told her it's the best break i get. she laughed!

I haven't written in before but had to add to this thread. I have a ds who is 3 in Sept and a dd who is 4 months. I have to say that my relationship is strained and we have lots of bickering going on.

I also did the 'Do you want Daddy to read you a story' trick so I could put my little one to bed but now DH has decided he is busy at work and can't get home in time for story. We have had builders here since my dd was 5 weeks old and they are going to be here for another month. So DH has invited someone from his work with wife and kids for lunch on Sunday. Well we have no kitchen floor and wires hanging out of the walls and I think it is a bit much.

It also drives me mad that DH has a bath most nights while I cook supper. He also pampers himself by doing luxury time consuming things like cutting his nails. I get really annoyed about this!!! Anyway I do remember things got better after DS was born. It takes a while but things do get better. Hang in there.

'He also pampers himself like doing luxury time consuming things like cutting his nails...."

LOLOLOLOL

My quote of the week!

Two things that drive me mad:

He gets to shower/bath in peace reading a book. I get to have two small boys trying to climb in with me, 'washing' me, passing me plastic bath toys, trying to feed me pretend food, and asking questions like 'Mummy where's your willy?' and 'why do you have curly bits?'.

He gets to poo in peace - for about an hour. I get about a minute in total and usually have to stop and stand up midway to prevent youngest from sucking on toilet brush and oldest from flooding the bathroom. Or I have both trying to peer into the toilet at the same time saying: mummy, poo is coming out of your bum. Which is always pleasant.

babygooner and others, I'm in the same boat. I can only say it seems to get a LOT better with time. First 3 months was really hard for everyone, then next 3 months I was back at work and was bearable but still hard, now it's much much easier as the baby can have more of a relationship with the dad.. I find the chores thing hard , cos you'll say OK this needs doing, then DH just hasn't done it and you do it and resent him. I think the best way is to be clear who does what and, as others have said, don't micromanage, even if you have a lot of moments where DH looks sadly in the fridge and says 'oh dear, there's nothing for his tea' or whatever, baby crying in background. and you have to restrain yourself from going 'DOH! that's because you have to 1) get something in and 2) prepare it!

So you're doing fine, I would say we definitely bicker more now but it's going back to pre baby levels. I do resent the sleep thing though, especially cos DH is not a morning person and is so grumpy if he does get up early with DS at the weekend that I'd rather not force the issue, but I would love, and do deserve a bloody lie in!

oh well...

JoshandJamie - funny!funny!funny! I was actually just thinking if I should admit to breastfeeding while on the loo! I can relate to the posts on here so it'a a comfort to know that whatever you think, feel or say somebody else is going through the same thing.

J&J - you've made my day with that last post. So very, very true!!!!

Oh god, we used to almost time each others 'alone' activities and ensure we had the same amount of time back.

Ive just gone back to work after 4 years and we have tried to pre-empt certain situations that we werent ready for the fist time around. So yes, you will come to an understanding and return to normal at some point.

J and J

I am aching with laughter at both of your posts.Are you sure we were not separated at birth?

My 2 are EXACTLY the same re bath thing (well no. 2 is a girl,but otherwise)

Also loved MI sleep deprivation competitiveness thing.So so true.

This thread has really made me laugh.

OP it does get better,but never quite the same as pre dcs.