Is it worth giving him a chance?

[incallthebloodytime]

About a year ago I met a guy and I was completely honest with him. I was a mess, not really ready for a relationship but appreciated friendship

I got in a state and he'd texted me offering me a hand clearing out my place - I agreed to the help when DS was at school and let him in my home

I was very tearful that day and he was kind and just did a lot of it himself but then he tried to kiss me. I did kiss him back initially then pushed him away and said it was all too much and he left

He has kept in contact here and there and I have kept him at arms length since

Now... I am lonely and I would like someone and feel more open to getting to know him. He has no illusions, nothing to disappoint him with really

But... I felt really ick that he tried kissing me when I was at such a low point, like maybe he was taking advantage of me?

Was he just being a red blooded male? And potentially still a nice guy? Or was I completely spot on to keep him at arms length?

I have had literally one relationship where the man has behaved like a gentleman not long after leaving abusive husband and he soon ended things realising I was not in a good place for a relationship and traumatised... I guess I would like to replace that really... an actual gentleman who cared about me more than getting a leg over and won't take advantage

Is this guy a big red flag waver or just a guy who misread the situation?

Ugh, no.

Yuck.

Just NO.

I don't think it's enough to say one way or another - it's hard to extricate your state of mind from the kiss. You may be over thinking it, he may have been taking advantage. Though on balance, worth a chance - maybe be clear with him that the kiss upset you at the time so he knows to take it gently. We have to take chances with relationships sometimes, but it helps if you can be clear about boundaries.

When you say tried to kiss you, are we talking a gentle approach or a full on lunge with groping? If the former, then I don't see the issue.

Depends what the kiss was like. Was it just affectionate or a big tongue down throat kiss?

I don't know I suppose at the time I felt hideously unattractive, rejected and was clearly depressed and kept bursting into tears

Tbh I didn't expect anyone to kiss me in that state... more like march me to the doctors and hold my hand while I asked for antidepressants

It was definitely a kiss he wanted to lead somewhere rather than a gentle supportive peck on the forehead

At the time he said he just wanted to make me feel better... which was when I said he could leave then... he apologised and left

To be fair I was expecting to be raped at that point... not because of him... but just my experience of standing up to men hasn't really been that they listened and respected it. Which at that point... he actually did apologise and leave immediately without pushing it any further

It's the fact he found that vulnerability sexually attractive isn't it? That's what's creeped me out

Am I being too harsh and judging him through my experiences of other men though?

It sounds like he helped you out with the expectation of more (sex) afterwards. That’s awful. Been there myself and now I always pay people to do jobs for me because it has happened too often.

I think he was taking advantage.

Your instincts are telling you he is a creep who took advantage

Ok yeah I probably wouldn't think twice about him if someone else was coming along and taking an interest

No point forcing myself to give him a chance just because I feel lonely when it creeped me out before

Op nobody on here is remotely qualified to tell you if this guy is a nice guy or not, from the limited information you have given. That said if you felt really icky that he tried to kiss you, then don't go out with him.

Ok - OP - i’d actually look at uoir ‘relationahop’ history with time and give him a chance.
He has been around - in a a friendly capacity for a year.
You were a mess before, we’re honest - and he didn’t run away.
Offered help instead.
As to him feeling attracted - while you felt unattractive - that’s what we women do. Often. We feel this and that - (say - ugly, fat, etc) - and men mostly don’t see us that way.
It’s hard to tell - from a short description - what really happened that time. And you seem to have a blurry memory about how it went on....

It’s entirely possible that his is a nice guy and he wanted to cheer you up.
He liked you. He wasn’t in your head and the full extent of what you were feeling wasn’t open to him. You seemed sad and tired. He wanted to kiss you.
He tried - which is what men do...

We haven’t fully moved to a world where one person askes for a verbal/written permission. It’s still often happens where a man tries and then it’s a yay/nay...
In your situation it was a yay, that turned into nay, and he stoped and apologied.
End of story...

The fact that you expected to be raped - says nothing about him and everything about your experiences prior to that.
And I think it colours how you see people.

He didn’t take advantage. He liked you and wanted to kiss you.
Boy meets girl sort of style.

Argh lol I think when I posted I hoped to get replies like yours @MMmomDD that gave me permission to think the best of him

My boundaries have been so blurred and repeatedly ignored in life that I'm so unsure of my own instincts these days

At the time we'd met several times and he'd tried to hold my hand and I had refused, he had my full frank honesty that all I could offer and wanted to offer anyone was friendship . He knew I was hurting over nice guy who'd figured out I wasn't in the right place and my abusive ex husbands drama. He knew when I was doing the CSA truth project. He knew that I had been badly damaged by men and hoped he would be a good friend but nothing further at a lonely difficult time and so I was furious that he tried to kiss me in my own home which frightened me as I had built trust to let him in in the first place.

But he did stop, he did back off, and he has kept in touch from time to time and I know I could call him and sob my heart out and he'd listen

I just don't know if he only does that because he hopes for more or why he would hope for more considering he knows I would not be easy to cope with dating... he's not an unattractive man, I think there would be many free spirit type women who would be drawn to him. The only thing that I think may put some off is that he isn't British and I'm unsure of if he will have to return at some point. He claims he comes from a poor village and he likes living here, came here because he married a woman who was working over there in a charity role but they are now divorced.

Maybe I'm overthinking it and should simply go out a few times with him and see how I feel?

It all up to you, really, Op.
We don’t know you or him and what went on.
A kiss might hold some huge significance to you - and a lot less of it to him....
He did stick around for a year.
If he was just after sex - he’d be long long gone. These days it’s not that hard to get someone to sleep with. One just needs to keep swiping.

Going out on a date - to a public place - really doesn’t take much. Not like you’d be committing to anything.
If you are ready to start dating - this isn’t a bad start. You already know him.

Just take it slowly. And listens to what your mind/heart is telling you

Listen to your gut and trust your instincts. Might feel alien at first because you are used to people (including yourself) not listening to you, but persevere.

I know. Probably I'm overthinking it.

I just don't want to be an idiot and end up in a situation that could be avoided but to be fair... he knows where I live and he hasn't stalked me, he did stop and leave, he hasn't really done anything too terrible but try to chat me up and chance a kiss

I might even enjoy myself if I gave it half a chance

What are the possible gains?

What are the possible losses?

From here it looks like the possible gain is a loving boyfriend. Possible losses is a few wasted hours on a date or two, before you decide he's not the one for you. Given his behaviour so far, I would fully expect him to respect that, if it was your decision.

He may well have spent a great deal of time beating himself up about the kiss between then and now. He might have thought that he wrecked his one chance and has been kicking himself for making a mistake.

I'd go for it, take it slow, have a few nice dates together and see how you feel. Keep communicating with him about your boundaries and how fast/slow you want to move. He seems to have respected that so far, and is still around, a year later.

Imo he was pushing his luck, keep him as a friend.

I think on balance that maybe he misread the situation .

Suggest think what you want to do then talk to him and tell him just how you feel.

Go with your gut. You felt furious at the time and like he had tried to take advantage of you.

That was your first reaction at the time and there was a reason for it.

Now you are lonely so you are trying to talk yourself around. You don’t need to do that. When you are ready you will meet someone who respects the boundaries you put in place and who doesn’t behave in a way that scares you or leave you feeling icky.

He backed off and has stayed supporting you for a year. He doesn't just want his leg over, he cares about you.

There are so many other options out there that I’d give this one a miss tbh.

He tried holding your hand not long after you’d left your previous partner and then tried to kiss you when you were clearly distraught and vulnerable? Doesn’t sound good to me.

And it sounds like you know that you’re not in a good place to be dating yet. Seeing this guy because you feel lonely / need companionship is understandable, but has the potential for misunderstanding and hurt for both of you.

You don’t sound ready to date yet.

It sounds as though you're thinking about this because apparently he wants you, and not because you want him.

Honestly, if he's that good a friend, keep him as a friend - really good friends are rare and valuable. I'd opt for someone who has my back over sex with someone who previously made me feel uncomfortable. Every time.

You don't sound ready for a relationship at all. Steer clear of him and foster some female friendships