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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and STI

32 replies

AllStar14 · 09/12/2018 07:08

This is extremely outing but I need opinions.

I recently found out I have herpes, the pain has been worse than recovering from birth but it's finally getting better. I had swabs taken by a nurse who said the most common cause was coldsores and asked if my DP had had one. Funnily enough he had a few months back but I had forgotten about it.

I told him what she had said and he has been a complete twat ever since. He says I could have caught it years ago and I'm just having a breakout now. Fair enough, it's a possibility but the most likely cause was his coldsore. I haven't blamed him or been pissed off with him about it; it's not nice but these things happen. His reaction is what is bothering me. This morning he has said he now has painful blisters (honestly, I don't believe him - he has form for lying) and that this means it couldn't have come from his coldsore! Wtf? I honestly think he has made up having them to argue that it couldn't possibly have come from his coldsore. I don't get his reasoning at all! I said that doesn't tell us anything, how hard is it to understand that I could have passed it on to him after getting it from his coldsore? He is making me feel like I'm stupid for not getting what he is saying.

I hope this all makes sense! I just need reassuring that I'm not missing something here. I've got an STI and feel shit about that, had no sympathy from DP and in fact was told it's disgusting when it most likely came from him!

The nurse said the lab results will say if it came from the oral virus anyway so I will know one way or the other soon.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 09/12/2018 08:10

why are you with a bloke who regulalry lies to you?

Shepherdspieisminging · 09/12/2018 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duchessgummybuns · 09/12/2018 08:16

His reaction sounds like he has a guilty conscience. Since he’s already proven himself a liar I’d bin him off, you can do better.

Lonecatwithkitten · 09/12/2018 08:20

They are two different viruses, but provide cross protection to each other. So if he has had a cold sore he will be carrying that virus and won't be able to get infected with genital herpes.

Mooey89 · 09/12/2018 08:21

I’m sorry but it does sound like a first outbreak and I think he’s got a guilty conscience.

LuluBellaBlue · 09/12/2018 08:25

Agree with others - IF he does have the blisters and does t seem surprised and isn’t in huge amounts of pain it probably shows it not his first outbreak

Shepherdspieisminging · 09/12/2018 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotANotMan · 09/12/2018 08:34

You couldn't have got it from his cold sore then passed it to his genitals. If he has the type one virus then he already has it and can't be infected again.

He lies to you?

NotANotMan · 09/12/2018 08:36

If he has blisters on his genitals he needs to get them swabbed immediately so they can be tested. My ex passed type one to me genitally from a cold sore and his reaction was 'I'm really sorry, I had no idea that could happen' and we moved on.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 09/12/2018 08:41

I caught it about 10 years ago and it was agony, couldn’t even go for a wee without tears coming to my eyes. I never got to the bottom of where it came from. I did have a boyfriend at the time but I genuinely didn’t suspect him. I suspected my ex husband who I had split up with the year before who had given me chlymidia. Not sure if it can lie dormant for that long though.

Original poster
AllStar14 · 09/12/2018 09:30

I don't think he's cheated, I just think he can't accept the fact that it's come from him and also that he seems to love an argument. He's saying he only has a few, because I questioned how he was still able to carry out his very physical hobby this morning with them.

We have only recently got back together after about a year apart - I thought things would be different but I was very wrong. I've posted about him lying before. Most stressful one was while we were apart and he claimed to have seen a solicitor who told him I was denying him access to the children if I didn't let him see them only in my home (I was happy for him to see them as often as he wanted - just not at my house) So I spoke to the solicitor (only family law one at this particular place) who had never met DP and confirmed everything he said was bollocks. Basically DP goes to great lengths to get out of things and makes me doubt myself over and over again. When confronted he blamed me for making him lie.

It's fucked up. And writing this small part of how truly fucked it is has made me realise it's not going to get any better and I'm a fucking idiot for trying again.

I'm going to be the bitch who kicks him out with nowhere to go. Again.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/12/2018 09:35

It's pretty obvious, OP, that he slept with someone and passed the virus on to you. That first outbreak is supposed to be the worst and I really feel for you. I know a couple of women who've had it and really suffered in that first attack. Both said they got it again whenever they were run down, so take care of yourself.

NotTheFordType · 09/12/2018 09:36

I'm going to be the bitch who kicks him out with nowhere to go. Again.

Surely you can substitute "fucking kickarse girl who has no patience for liars" there for the sad word 'bitch'

Do you have DC together? Obviously that would make things more murky

DirtyBlonde · 09/12/2018 09:38

It's possible that he just doesn't understand much about the various types of herpes virus, how they are spread and where in the body they go.

But that doesn't seem to be the key part of this situation, which is about DPs odd reaction and whether, coming on top of a history of shoddy communication and choices, it means it's time to get rid.

If you do kick him out again, will it rally be final this time?

C0untDucku1a · 09/12/2018 09:39

He has form for gas lighting you. He is a total dick. Throw him out.

FlamingJuno · 09/12/2018 09:41

I'm going to be the bitch who kicks him out with nowhere to go. Again.
Yes. Yes you are. Now get on with it.

Shepherdspieisminging · 09/12/2018 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 09:42

Substitute the word "bitch" with woman who has no further patience for liars.

Kick this liar out of your life now and for good this time. If he wants to see the children then he can do so at a contact centre. He is still messing with your head here and he is no example to them either.

Original poster
AllStar14 · 09/12/2018 09:48

It has been the most painful thing I've ever experienced. There's no way he has it for the first time if he does actually have it. But "it's not a competition"

We have twins who are almost two and I have a 4 year old DD.

I am going to end it and yes for good, it was only a matter of time. Thank you all so much, this is exactly what I needed.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 09/12/2018 09:52

It's pretty obvious, OP, that he slept with someone and passed the virus on to you

Not if it's type one - that can easily be passed on through oral sex with a partner who has cold sores.

However allstar if you have been in that much pain it sounds more like type 2 which is much more severe and not the same virus as cold sores so more likely that he contracted it elsewhere and passed it to you. He could have picked it up without having any symptoms.

Shepherdspieisminging · 09/12/2018 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SonataDentata · 09/12/2018 10:25

Lots of misinformation here I’m afraid, as usual on threads about herpes. I suggest you read up elsewhere to learn as much as you can. One interesting point is that type 1 (which is usually found orally but can also be found genitally) can actually cause a worse initial outbreak in the genital region than type 2. However, if it’s type 1 that you’ve got, then repeated outbreaks are less likely to happen than with type 2. It would also give you some protection against type 2 (though not totally - it’s possible to get both).

SandyY2K · 09/12/2018 10:38

He's guilty and he knows what he's done.

Maelstrop · 09/12/2018 12:14

Guilty, because he may have unknowingly have passed on the virus through a coldsore?

SandyY2K · 09/12/2018 12:29

Guilty of cheating through the way he responded. Then suddenly..... he has blisters...and he has form for lying.

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