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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Upset / mixed feelings/ unsure what to do

34 replies

louisejanep · 08/12/2018 23:21

I have been in a relationship for 10 years (began when I was 18) and we now have a 3 year old daughter. Tonight I left after plucking up the courage for a long time. I’m really unsure what to do. I feel like I have been emotionally and psychologically controlled and abused for a long time but because he has blamed me for years and years I’m so in denial sometimes at my train of thought and I constantly feel guilty.
Bit of background
I can’t be in public with him anymore without feeling sick of a male walks past me because his eyes burn into me and he accuses me 24/7 of looking at other men. In restaurants (rare we go) he will position me so I’m staring at a wall or a female, if there’s a male he will make sure I am not facing in that direction. Accused me of being ‘Obssesed’ with my brother in law because I say how happy I am for my sister that she has met such a good guy! Tells me in front of our 3 year old that I’m going to damage our daughter if she grows up watching me flirt with other men (and she listens to everything). We went away on holida with my family and had a lovely time then on the last day he accused me of eyeing up the gardener in the hotel (ridiculous) so made a big scene and wouldn’t go to dinner, so embarrassing when my family were involved how do I explain. That’s all I feel I do is make excuses for him, his mum had affairs when he was younger and dragged him through it all and now he is obssesed. I’m so panicky in public with him because I know if I lift my head up at the wrong time and a guy is walking past I will get hell for it for a while. Anyway long story short. I received my results for my masters degree and tonight my course mates said we should all reunite and go Xmas markets and for 1 drink. So he said yes he will be home, and then just ask was about to leave he text me and said all I use him for is to babysit (his own child!), I never go out anywhere unless it’s with my little girl, or work or university. He text saying he’s going out and go find myself a babysitter. So angry so I’ve left and come my mums. I feel guilty though knowing I have a really close family and he will be on his own especially around Christmas. I’m annoyed at myself I feel guilty but I can’t help it. Any advice would be much appreciated. Sorry for the extra long post.

OP posts:

showmeshoyu · 08/12/2018 23:29

This is scarily controlling and abusive. He's dangerously paranoid and also could even be projecting. Here's a game to play. Get yourself in the zone of somebody else, Ms. Doe who has never met you, she's reading your post. How sorry do you feel for her and how much do you want to tell her to get out and stop making herself suffer? I really hope you can find the resolve to stick with this. He caused this, so if he's on his own, it's his fault and frankly, it's Christmas, he's not been left to rot in a Siberian gulag.

HereIgoagainxx · 08/12/2018 23:33

Your post made for sad and frightening reading. This relationship needs to end. Confide in people you trust. You are going to need support. I'm so sorry you have had to endure this. It sounds terrible xx

Singlenotsingle · 08/12/2018 23:33

Well done for getting angry enough to leave. Now hold onto that, and don't weaken. You've done the right thing.

Bath9000 · 08/12/2018 23:44

Whatever you decide to do, don’t go back. His behaviour is not normal at all and you did well to get away from that. For the sake of your sanity and your dd get away from him and never look back. You still have plenty of time to meet a good man, the rest of your life in fact. Even if you’re not ready for that, better to be alone and safe rather than at the mercy of an abusive, controlling man who is clearly paranoid and potentially unstable.

Original poster

louisejanep · 08/12/2018 23:50

Thank you for your responses, I just feel like A bit of a failure coming back to my parents (who are amazing and so supportive) at the age of 29, feel like my life is going nowhere. Everybody thinks we’re so happy and a lovely family but I choose not to talk about it, only to my mum and sister, so it helps writing on here thank you ladies

OP posts:

showmeshoyu · 08/12/2018 23:54

Our society is awful sometimes, making people feel like failures for leaving a bad situation. You've taken the first, hardest step. That shows you're not a failure. You've now just reclaimed the rest of your life, hopefully with somebody when you're ready that won't be so dangerously paranoid. Somebody who will trust and nurture you. Stay with it, you're doing so well.

Bath9000 · 08/12/2018 23:57

Don’t be silly, you’re not a failure at all. You’re doing your masters for goodness sake!! That’s amazing... Plus what are family for?! Life isn’t always going to go good All of the time. I’m glad you’ve got supportive parents, and you’ve got family to talk to. We’re all here anytime

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2018 00:11

OP you have identified what has become an very abusive controlling relationship and you have left, credit to you and well done

Weenurse · 09/12/2018 00:22

Well done for having the courage to leave.
Keep safe 💐

Villagelifer · 09/12/2018 00:32

Well done OP, what a controlling man,
no one should have to live in the situation you described and no child should grow in such an environment.

ThatWouldBeNO · 09/12/2018 00:37

You have absolutely done the best thing for yourself and your precious daughter. She should not grow up hearing what her father says to or about you, and she should definitely not grow up thinking his behaviour and controlling ways are in any way normal. She deserves better - as do you. Be strong.

crystalize · 09/12/2018 00:42

It is shocking the amount of times I have read and heard of similar appalling mental and emotional abuse like this. Why are we women so forgiving and feel guilty when we leave these despicable men? (I had one too in my 20s). Please please don't let him talk you into coming back. Making promises of change blah blah. Who cares if its christmas...god when I think back I shudder at how I once loved the father of my eldest. For your own sanity please end it. You will feel such a reliefwhen the anxiety wears off. Not allowed to look where yo want? Fuck that and bin him. He deserves to be dumped at xmas. Let him suffer.

BlinkyBill · 09/12/2018 00:46

I hope you were happy with your results and are enjoying your night out.

Please dont go back to this man, you are worth so much more, and your friends and family can help you navigate away.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/12/2018 08:35

Its great you have a supportive family. Stay with them and let them help you through this.
Your dp is seriously impaired and no person to spend your life with. You are so young. You have a whole life ahead of you. You obviously will do well as you have just completed a masters while rearing a young child and putting up with a horrible abusive man.
He will bombard you now. He will most probably threaten to kill himself if you don't come back. He will promise you the moon and stars but please please don't engage in any lengthy discussions. Just keep saying l have had enough..and the relationship doesn't work for me any more.
I genuinely hope you stand strong for your own sake and the sake of your dc.
Counselling would help as he has ground you down a lot.

Original poster

louisejanep · 09/12/2018 09:30

Thank you so much for all your advice. I just need to shift these feelings of guilt for me leaving him on his own around Christmas. Even though the majority of the time I have been left on my own with little one whilst he works 7 days a week and does favours for his family and friends, we don’t see a lot of him. Which I use to be upset about but these last few months loved it being just me and daughter. I don’t want to look like I’m keeping our little girl away from him when everybody’s with their families at Christmas. I think if he had good family and friends to be with I wouldn’t feel so guilty but he doesn’t bother with a lot of people. But once these guilt feelings have passed I should be ok. He’s told me now I’ve ruined his life because he’s now 34 and we should have had 2 or 3 kids by now, but instead I’ve focused too much on trying to relive my student days because I went back to do a masters and now applying for a PHD. The reason I’ve gone back to educAtion is because it gives me focus and hopefully independence in the future, financial independance and hopefully a career for me and little one.

OP posts:

showmeshoyu · 09/12/2018 09:33

Yes, you should forget your education, stay at home and pop out children and quit questioning him all the time like a good little wifey. That's basically what he's saying... oh and while you're at it, stop eyeing up the postman before you make me angry.

You're so much better off away from that kind of attitude. He would have ground you down to a shadow of your former self.

alreadyinchristmasmood · 09/12/2018 09:39

OP, not only that you're nowhere near being a failure, but you're bloody badass! Congrats for leaving! Everything will be just fine!

ThePinkOcelot · 09/12/2018 09:54

God he sounds horrendous! Horrible little man!

Please don’t ever think about going back. You haven’t ruined his life!! He’s managed that all by himself!

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 09/12/2018 09:56

I think you should end this relationship. This isn't trust issues, this is wanting complete control over you and to do it in front of your children Is an absolute disgrace. Get out before he gets worse.

mummmy2017 · 09/12/2018 10:00

Hold your head up smile and may 2019 be the year of you...
Bet your mum is thrilled you left.
Keep messages to him short.
Don't argue just keep saying you feel leaving is for the best.

Musti · 09/12/2018 10:01

What a horrifically abusive and controlling man. I was accused of fancying and sleeping with other men by my ex but nothing on this scale.

Don't ever go back to him and don't feel guilty. Aside from his abuse to you, you do not want your daughter growing up thinking that is normal.

Have a lovely Christmas with your family and one day you'll be able to go out and enjoy yourself without fear.

Ikeameatballs · 09/12/2018 10:01

Thank goodness you have left.

Never, ever go back.

You need to tell your family and friends exactly what he was like and seek legal advice around any assets you may have. If none this is easier! Please be aware that his abusive behaviour may escalate now that you have left and are no longer under his control. Seek advice from Women’s Aid and contact the Police at the first hint of him continuing his behaviours. Protect your daughter and yourself, this may mean limiting her contact with him. It may be easier for you to buy a cheap PAYG phone and tell him you have changed your number to that one then only answer it/look at messages when you want to.

Original poster

louisejanep · 09/12/2018 10:41

He has just messaged me and said the key won’t be on the doorstep today (we shared a key to our house) so don’t waste a journey. This is quickly helping me to eradicate my feelings of guilt.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 09/12/2018 10:52

You do know he did this as you were supposed to beg him to please leave the key...
Well done, stay strong.

Travisandthemonkey · 09/12/2018 11:49

Do not go back under any circumstances

He’s scarily dangerous

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