Upset / mixed feelings/ unsure what to do

[louisejanep]

I have been in a relationship for 10 years (began when I was 18) and we now have a 3 year old daughter. Tonight I left after plucking up the courage for a long time. I’m really unsure what to do. I feel like I have been emotionally and psychologically controlled and abused for a long time but because he has blamed me for years and years I’m so in denial sometimes at my train of thought and I constantly feel guilty.
Bit of background
I can’t be in public with him anymore without feeling sick of a male walks past me because his eyes burn into me and he accuses me 24/7 of looking at other men. In restaurants (rare we go) he will position me so I’m staring at a wall or a female, if there’s a male he will make sure I am not facing in that direction. Accused me of being ‘Obssesed’ with my brother in law because I say how happy I am for my sister that she has met such a good guy! Tells me in front of our 3 year old that I’m going to damage our daughter if she grows up watching me flirt with other men (and she listens to everything). We went away on holida with my family and had a lovely time then on the last day he accused me of eyeing up the gardener in the hotel (ridiculous) so made a big scene and wouldn’t go to dinner, so embarrassing when my family were involved how do I explain. That’s all I feel I do is make excuses for him, his mum had affairs when he was younger and dragged him through it all and now he is obssesed. I’m so panicky in public with him because I know if I lift my head up at the wrong time and a guy is walking past I will get hell for it for a while. Anyway long story short. I received my results for my masters degree and tonight my course mates said we should all reunite and go Xmas markets and for 1 drink. So he said yes he will be home, and then just ask was about to leave he text me and said all I use him for is to babysit (his own child!), I never go out anywhere unless it’s with my little girl, or work or university. He text saying he’s going out and go find myself a babysitter. So angry so I’ve left and come my mums. I feel guilty though knowing I have a really close family and he will be on his own especially around Christmas. I’m annoyed at myself I feel guilty but I can’t help it. Any advice would be much appreciated. Sorry for the extra long post.

Thank you for everybody’s comments. It helps to make things seem so much more real.

Has anybody been through anything similar? And happy now? Would love some positive stories.

Firstly, you are not a failure. I'm 38 and back at my parents, after leaving an emotionally abusive narc, and although my life isn't perfect at the moment, I know that I will be OK. You will be too. You have your daughter and you have to follow through on this for her sake. You can't teach her that this kind of 'relationship' is normal, which is what you'll be doing if you stay with him. Go grey rock (Google this technique, it works wonders in dealing with my ex), block him on everything and don't contact him, unless it's to do with your daughter. It's easy to say, but don't feel guilty, and don't show him that you feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong, and he will use it to try to manipulate you into going back. You are a strong, intelligent woman, and you deserve to be happy.

Thank you for the message sosickofthisshit . I’m glad you got out and are looking forward to the future, how long did it take you to leave? Do you have little ones? Bet you feel so much better for it now. I really appreciate the message

The only failure here is him

He is failing to be a decent partner and good parent

Don't go back. Bring your child up in an environment that doesn't promote damaging lessons.

Watch out now. If being nasty doesn't have you crawling back he will turn on the charm. You seem very susceptible to emotional blackmail but remember this: he is abusive and if you go back for xmas he will be nice for a little while then revert

It's just another day in your journey away from his dysfunction

You have done the right thing. Hold on to that. One day at a time. Don't let him talk you into going back.

Let you mum and sister support you emotionally as am sure they'll be pleased that you are out.

It took me 3 years to build up the courage to leave. My only regret is that I didn't leave a lot sooner. My son is a teenager, and has dealt with everything remarkably well. Your daughter is very young, so will adjust quickly to her new normal.

Well done for leaving,and never listern to your heart when dealing with a controling man take that from someone who's been there, they will use every trick they know to gain control of you again so stay strong.
Get intouch with womens refuge they can offer you help and emotional support through this offtern untalked about subject.good luck you have made the the right decsion for you and your child xx

Thank you everybody for the advice, he turned up at my daughters preschool today after threatening he was going to take her. I did think it was just threats but he got there just before me, she goes to a really nice school and lovely teachers. So that was embarrassing