Broke it off, he is texting today. Reassurance I did the right thing?

[RubyN]

I've posted about a guy I've been seeing for 2 1/2 months. Everything was running smoothly until 2 weeks ago when he went cold after a weekend together...during which time he admitted he was abused as a child. I was barely hearing from him & he stopped being proactive with dates. Finally I was fed up of feeling in limbo & resolved to break up with him last night.

Last night as an explanation for his recent silence, he admitted it took him several days to process the fact he had told someone what had happened to him (aside from his therapist). He told me he has been having a depressive episode & seemed ambivalent about 'us' in general. We put the conversation to one side for a few hours and had a very romantic/fun evening drinking and dancing.

At the end I broached the subject again to bring to a head & he said he wanted to continue dating 'for now' although he'd understand if I wanted to be friends. This pushed me over the edge - I didn't get angry, I just told him it was over and that I would be there for him as friends. I said 'well if you can't be arsed' to which he replied 'it's the opposite, the issue is I'm very arsed. Almost too much. I care about you a lot' (yes i know how ridiculous this exchange sounds!) When I broke it off, he actually threw up! He said part of the reason he holds back is due to a fear of rejection.

He made sure I got home safely & has been in frequent contact today (more than usual). So I'm thinking: is he trying to appeal my decision by showing he can be more attentive? I just think he is at a critical point in his life where he needs to focus his energies on himself...it's so difficult because we are both smitten when together. It was very hard for me to break it off and I've cried several times today. I'm feeling blue.

This is a lot about you and how you feel isn’t it?

It is fair enough not to want to take on someone else’s stuff, especially in a new relationship but you don’t seem to have much thought for how vulnerable he feels and what he may be feeling right now.

Maybe when he is ready for a relationship he will be better with someone with more patience and understanding - I’m sure you are a nice person but it doesn’t sound like you are well suited and maybe he just isn’t ready for this sort of stuff at the moment

ForeignElf - I have had many conversations with him patiently listening to what he is going through. Maybe I didn't react in the perfect way, but I haven't found this situation easy. A big part of the reason I ended it was so he can focus on himself and not on a relationship with me. Although I feel sad about it.

Bear in mind he didn't TELL me he was going through such a rough time - we had a very intimate weekend and then he disappeared without explanation. I thought he was doing the typical bloke thing and I was hurt. I thought I was being ghosted as it has happened before.

You definitely did the right thing and you need to let him know he has to sort himself out before he can have any type of normal relationship.

It's sad because it could take years for him to recover. What is he meant to do, not have a relationship in that time? I can see how much he WANTS to be ready & how much he loves being with me - but how low his emotional bandwith actually is. I feel for him.

OP, he sounds way too messed up to be able to commit to you right now lovely, I also think you did the right thing

Thank you Bumblebee I hope I feel better about my decision soon. I do still want to be there for him as a friend. I've actually been in the kind of depressed space he is in now and I know I'm the only person that actually knows what he is going through (the only person he's opened up to about it).

I think it's fair that you didn't want to stay with someone who is "broken" and has issues, but at the same time you sound quite self centred and not very supportive. I suggest whatever you do, don't do this game of break up make up with him, you ended things with him, now what does it matter if he appeals your decision? Are you hoping for him to beg you to change your mind? Would you?

I think you should just let it go.

"When I broke it off, he actually threw up! He said part of the reason he holds back is due to a fear of rejection. He made sure I got home safely & has been in frequent contact today (more than usual). So I'm thinking: is he trying to appeal my decision by showing he can be more attentive?"

No, he is terrified. He is trying his best to manage what is personally unmanageable.

That doesn't mean it's your responsibility to manage it either. But it might help to try and understand what he might be going through. Very often those who are clingers (him) will choose in relationship those who are destined to reject them (avoiders - you). It's a dynamic set up in childhood.

He needs to get help, but that's his decision. It might be worth your holding a sense of curiosity about how you approach intimacy, and whether you try to stay at a remove from feeling. (Again, I'm not remotely suggesting he's 'the one' for you, but your encounter with him may be personally informative.)

Blimey. I wouldn't be able for it. I feel terrible for him but I think you have done the right thing. He knows you care but you have had to withdraw.

I don't think you sound self-centred at all and you do sound supportive.

He ghosted you and then reappears with a lot of heavy emotional stuff, and he's really not in the place to be in a relationship. It's not the right time.

You did the right thing op , way too early to be dealing with these issues

I'd knock this one on the head too.

saw him again today and I feel pretty broken up about it. We are actually in the same theatre group and had rehearsals. One of the cast members asked if there was something going on because of the way we were looking at each other. He avoided the Q.

Afterwards, during our walk to the station we talked and what he said really hurt. He said that just recently (and I kid you not, he says since he told me about the abuse) he has felt more comfortable with me than romantic. In shock, i say wtf, what about Friday? He held my hand all night, made out for hours and we slow danced. Honestly this night was so romantic it devastated me to hear him say that. Then he tried to back-track, saying 'well no its more about the fact I'm in a bad place and not about you at all.' He also said he can't have a physical relationship right now. But yes this really hurt as he is the first person I have been vulnerable with physically/emotionally since the big break up.

we then expressed what a lovely time we've had together and he asked if we can be friends as he doesn't want to lose me. Then he asked if i want to meet next week. Honestly I still want to have him in my life but feel i may need space first. One thing he said that made me feel good though: "Can I just say, you were very impressive when you told me what you wanted and needed and that you'd have to leave if I couldn't step up.' He then went on to say he literally wasn't capable right now of stepping up but that he admired me for asserting my boundaries.

He then said asked if I'd still like to be friends as he didn't want to lose and asked if we could meet up next week. When we hugged goodbye, he held onto me for several minutes and held my hand. On the one hand I don't want to lose him, but I am feeling sore right now. He is the first person I've been vulnerable with physically and emotionally after my big break up.

Way too much drama for 2.5 months. I wouldn’t have thought it even required a ‘break up’ by that point, surely you were still just dating?

He said that just recently (and I kid you not, he says since he told me about the abuse) he has felt more comfortable with me than romantic. In shock, i say wtf, what about Friday? shock He held my hand all night, made out for hours and we slow danced. Honestly this night was so romantic it devastated me to hear him say that.

It must have hurt to say that but it’s good that he did. Now you know where you stand. He doesn’t feel romantic about you, he sees you more as a friend. That’s no reflection on you, just that you don’t click for him. It’s very easy to have a nice night with someone, dance and kiss and be affectionate, while knowing deep down it just doesn’t feel right and you know you can’t see that person as a romantic partner. I suspect we’ve all been there. His backtrack was just to try make you feel better when you reacted poorly. Rejection stings but it’s better to know the truth!

I’m surprised at PP saying it’s all about you and you don’t sound supportive, to me you sound like you’ve gone above and beyond for a man you’ve been seeing ten bloody weeks. At the early stages of dating it SHOULD be about you and what you want and need from a relationship. Feeling like you should stay a handhold a new man through his troubles when he can’t give you what you need and he already has his own friends and family and professional support to lean on is one of the ways some women get sucked into pointless futile over dramatic ‘relationships’ that go nowhere, prevent her from meeting someone suitable and cause no end of emotional pain.

You owed him nothing yet still tried to be there for him. He has a therapist. after ten weeks you do not exist to be his free supplementary untrained therapist when he is sad. You owed him a ‘this isn’t working for me, best wishes for the future’ and no more.

Okay, I take what I said back - re: you being more supportive, sorry.

I read the the disappearing thing as a one off, but actually he sounds like he doesn’t know what the hell he wants and is sending you mixed messages. Whether it is intentional or not, even if he has the best of intentions, that will really mess with your mind.

You deserve someone who is actually capable of giving you a proper relationship. You certainly don’t have to accept the “friends” offer either - it might work for him, but putting your needs first is okay.

If you often find yourself in the position of supporting a man with problems then it might be worth reading about codependent relationships and seeing if you recognise any of your own traits there.

Also, of course you did the right thing :) if you hadn’t have told him you were done he’d have done it anyway.

Better to know where you stand now after ten short weeks than it drag on while you get more invested. You don’t owe anyone you’ve known a few weeks the emotional labour of putting your own feelings last to be there for someone who you have unrequited feelings for. You’ve actually acted very well here. You knew it wasn’t working anymore so ripped the bandage off. Don’t feel you have to stay in touch with him. At this point it actually comes across like he’s being a little too self centred, he knows you’re into him, he isn’t into you, yet he still wants to meet you, no doubt for more in-depth emotional chat about how he’s doing, how he’s feeling, what’s new with him, how he’s processing everything. I can see it’s a difficult time for him but the responsibility to care for him doesn’t therefore fall on you OP. It falls on him, and his therapist. You aren’t his therapist :)

Free yourself and move on.

It's bizarre to me because I couldn't do it. Drinking dancing and kissing from 9pm - 5am while just wanting to be friends? He said that he has felt differently about me since he told me he was abused as a child. What on earth does that say?. I don't know what to make of that.

I feel like garbage. After 2 years together my ex bf cheated on me and said he no longer felt 'the spark'. Now this guy tells me this. I think I'm an attractive woman with plenty to offer (although I'm not perfect)...I'm starting to feel there is something wrong with me!

i have had many conversations with him patiently listening to what he is going through. Maybe I didn't react in the perfect way, but I haven't found this situation easy. A big part of the reason I ended it was so he can focus on himself and not on a relationship with me. Although I feel sad about it.

do still want to be there for him as a friend. I've actually been in the kind of depressed space he is in now and I know I'm the only person that actually knows what he is going through (the only person he's opened up to about it).

we then expressed what a lovely time we've had together and he asked if we can be friends as he doesn't want to lose me. Then he asked if i want to meet next week. Honestly I still want to have him in my life but feel i may need space first

He then said asked if I'd still like to be friends as he didn't want to lose and asked if we could meet up next week. When we hugged goodbye, he held onto me for several minutes and held my hand.

It’s actually all about him OP.

How are your boundaries usually? It seems like you feel you want to rescue him or help him, maybe you feel honoured he’s shared stuff with you he’s told ‘nobody else’ barring his therapist, but actually to me it’s a red flag regarding his own boundaries. Do you tend to try and rescue people? It shows you’re a lovely person but you’re going to get hurt if you can’t walk away from something that has the potential to hurt you because you feel so deeply about helping someone who three months ago you weren’t even dating. He wants you in his life as a friend to offload onto and receive all of this lovely attention and have his ego massaged but I doubt that’s what you want?

What made this worse was that throughout the night, he was still gazing at me lovingly and reaching out to touch me frequently - which is what lead one of the women in the group to ask me if something was going on.

The fact that he can behave like that (and it's a look I know well from past serious relationships) and still want nothing is hurtful indeed. When he gets in touch to meet up I may just say I need space - I would like to remain friends eventually but not sure I can do it right now.

I think you should really think about whether continuing a friendship with this man will be good for you. It's alright for him - he gets support and the safety net of knowing you want more. For you, i only see pain in it.

x-posted. Get some distance from him.

The thing is FearLove... I don't think its intentional. He only remembered the child abuse this year and I think he is going through a terrible time really.

Honestly, he has been good to me. He helped me through a serious work situation recently, offering a listening ear/good advice. Yesterday I was sick and he called me to see how I was feeling. It may seem all about him, but he does make an effort to look out for me. I don't try to rescue people, but I have been told I give too much to people who don't give a lot back.

It’s not you OP, he would behave like this with any woman he was dating - and probably has and will again when it gets to this stage and has the potential to become more serious.

Same with your ex - when he’s been with someone else for a couple of years, he will feel justified in cheating due to “losing the spark”.

You can cut your losses with this one now & be free, if someone who is nice enough for you comes along, to get to know someone who is ready for a relationship.

It looks like your gut instincts were right with him all along, so take heart from that and from the fact that you called him out on it, just don’t allow him to manipulate you into moving those boundaries.

I’d say the only thing ‘wrong’ with you might be how you’re handling dating this guy, if it’s representative of how you are with other men too. It’s not a good idea to allow yourself to be positioned as a man’s therapist, especially so early! It just shows that you’re okay placing your needs last, that you’re happy to give give give and expend huge amounts of emotional energy to please him, while expecting little in return. It shows a lack of self respect and confidence and ultimately could easily lead a guy to respect you less as you’re okay taking that treatment from him, as well as feeling more like a friend or a sister to him than a sexual partner or a date.

A man not seeing you as a romantic partner is genuinely not about you, on the whole, it happens to us all. We’ve all been rejected. It’s hurting more cos you’re already smarting from being betrayed by your ex. But all that has happened here is you’ve shown yourself what it’s like to go and date again, shown yourself you can meet someone, had a few pleasant weeks of nice times with someone whose company you enjoyed and are now free to meet someone compatible having hopefully learned some lessons along the way.

Be more discerning. Don’t offer yourself up as an emotional sponge to absorb whatever the latest guy you’re seeing wants you to soak up. Keep it light for longer, if it gets too heavy and a man starts emotionally using you as a free counsellor make your excuses and leave. Life is too short to be trying to rescue someone who you’ve just met. Put that energy into voluntary work if you really must.

And definitely go no contact with this guy.

Don't let him use you, as an emotional bouncing board, a touchy feely companion and romantically tease you.

He's taking the piss in the nicest possible way. Tell him much as you like him you can't be whatever it is he thinks he needs.

You deserve WAY better OP