Broke it off, he is texting today. Reassurance I did the right thing?

[RubyN]

I've posted about a guy I've been seeing for 2 1/2 months. Everything was running smoothly until 2 weeks ago when he went cold after a weekend together...during which time he admitted he was abused as a child. I was barely hearing from him & he stopped being proactive with dates. Finally I was fed up of feeling in limbo & resolved to break up with him last night.

Last night as an explanation for his recent silence, he admitted it took him several days to process the fact he had told someone what had happened to him (aside from his therapist). He told me he has been having a depressive episode & seemed ambivalent about 'us' in general. We put the conversation to one side for a few hours and had a very romantic/fun evening drinking and dancing.

At the end I broached the subject again to bring to a head & he said he wanted to continue dating 'for now' although he'd understand if I wanted to be friends. This pushed me over the edge - I didn't get angry, I just told him it was over and that I would be there for him as friends. I said 'well if you can't be arsed' to which he replied 'it's the opposite, the issue is I'm very arsed. Almost too much. I care about you a lot' (yes i know how ridiculous this exchange sounds!) When I broke it off, he actually threw up! He said part of the reason he holds back is due to a fear of rejection.

He made sure I got home safely & has been in frequent contact today (more than usual). So I'm thinking: is he trying to appeal my decision by showing he can be more attentive? I just think he is at a critical point in his life where he needs to focus his energies on himself...it's so difficult because we are both smitten when together. It was very hard for me to break it off and I've cried several times today. I'm feeling blue.

I’m sure it isn’t intentional, but that doesn’t matter. His actions matter and how they make you feel.

Giving work advice and being a listening ear re a work problem, and calling you when you’re sick once to see if you’re okay are nice things to do, sure. They’re things you do for a friend. They seem in a different league to confessing childhood abuse to you and then telling you you’re the only one who knows in his life other than his therapist, and the many hours you’ve spent talking in depth about him and his depression and considering his needs and wishes and how best to support him. He’s not thinking how best to help you if he’s asking to be friends and still see you, is he? Whether it’s through being a prick or being very emotionally damaged right now doesn’t really matter. What matters is that he is just hurting you and you have the option to walk away. I’d really question why you don’t take it if you don’t. If people (several?) have told you you give too much even when the recipient doesn’t give back i’d take that as a pattern and start to address it and stop doing it. You’re aware of it so there are no excuses other than not wanting to.

How is your self esteem?

Ten weeks - nah. Good decision well made. You sound lovely, but I think you may be/have given too much of yourself. He needs to get himself straight before dating, and I foresee you’ll be messed around to your detriment in this if it carries on. Sad as it is for him, you should put yourself first.

FearLove your posts encouraged me...so I contacted him to let him know that despite our earlier conversation, I am not able to have a friendship right now. That I have to recallibrate/put myself first although I'd like to be friends after I've had some space. Then I can see how I feel. I found it hard to send that message as otherwise we were meeting next week. But I know it's better for me.

My self esteem was ok until my ex cheated on me earlier this year. It devastated me tbh. He knows himself that he's in no fit state for dating. It's actually sad for both of us. I think it DOES say something about my self esteem though that I wasn't willing to keep going on with it just to have someone there. I ended it because I knew all the romantic nights and compliments in the world weren't going to give me what I wanted.

you did good RubyN, for you right now

Oh it definitely does say good things about your self esteem OP! You’ve handled this well once you realised what was going on. And I hope you’ll think twice in the future before being a guy’s therapist!

Good for you. Let me know how he responds. I hope he replies with a ‘fair play best wishes’ but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a message trying to persuade or guilt you otherwise as he will be getting so much from your actions and presence, to your detriment.

I have a link to a really amazing self help course for low self esteem if you’d like it?

OP... YOU SAID."It's sad because it could take years for him to recover"

He will never recover....

Its abuse, you dont "just get over it"

Pretty sure OP meant it could take years for him to recover enough to be in the right place for a relationship.

Not to speak for you, OP.

It sounds extremely painful for all concerned
You poor things 😕

I think he will reply kindly to be fair to him. We'll see.

For me, it's very difficult to feel you're putting your best foot forward - and to have that person still not want to commit to you. Even something as silly as getting dressed up to the 9s for our night out on Friday...

He tells me I look amazing and can't keep his hands off me. Two days later he tells me he doesn't feel a romantic connection. To be fair, he hasn't had a serious relationship so far so I'm trying not to take it too personally. But it hurts a lot. Thank you Bumbleee

ps. yes I did mean get over it enough to have a normal relationship.

I think you have done the right thing, what you describe sounds emotionally draining and also, it seems to have drawn you into a very deep place of him telling you things which you are not really qualified to support him with - that is the job of his therapist. And then being intimate at the same time (and two days practically is the same time) as telling you he is not romantically interested.

All the time you are going round and round in your head not knowing which was is up, which detracts from things you could be doing for yourself. His situation is very sad but he needs to work his own way through, as you recognise.

OP "yes I did mean get over it enough to have a normal relationship"

So little understanding of how abuse in childhood works

Oh lay off, London. OP never claimed to be an expert in childhood abuse. She’s done more than enough in trying to deal with the very heavy emotional load this random new guy has chucked onto her lap.

Fearlove
With respect i was not talking to you!!!!

This post is triggering and can upset child abuse survivors.

I have reported to get the title changed!!!!!

LondonLass there is nothing about abuse in the title? I'm a little confused. I do not expect a person who has suffered child abuse to get over it. But I am saying there is hope to deal with it & move forward. I don't really want to discuss it further tbh.

KataraJean this is exactly it. On Friday, we had an incredibly romantic night. Now, on Sunday, we are broken up. No wonder I have a headache & feel exhausted. I have not been able to get my head around having one of our most intimate evenings yet and then having him say that to me less than 48 hours later. But it does say it all about his current mental state.

With threads like this MNHQ can edit the thread title so people will be prepared that it could be a trigger for some....

How you just worded it now, was not how you said it earlier

Hi OP hope your okay today

BumbleBeee - thank you, I feel a bit embarrassed but i actually had to take the morning off work because i was in such a bad way. I didnt even take time off after a serious break up and 3 hrs sleep!

He replied saying that he understood my need for space and to take all the time I need etc. Today I've went between feeling sad that what seemed like a blossoming romance has been cut off and also sort of grateful that I can distance myself from the chaos. I don't just mean about what he told me, but chaos in his work and home life also.

It does hurt that he changed his mind about me after telling me his secret. I once had a best friend tell me a serious secret - i never saw or heard from her again. Like she couldn't face me.

You have definitely done the right thing. I was in a very similar relationship with a man who unloaded everything onto me. I suppose initially, I felt honoured that he told me and nobody else.

Imagine how I feel now, 2 years later when he has just rejected me yet again. We have tried the friendship thing, more than once. It doesn't work. We ended up back and forth from friends to lovers. I felt he kept a foothold in my life for when he felt like being my boyfriend again and so I could continue to support him. But what about me?

I blame myself too, not just him. I wanted to believe the best in him. During another bout of depression, after we previously agreed I'd support him no matter what, he blocked me out of him life and treated me with contempt. Then hi appeared again, professing to want to support me and be friends. I'm not going down that road again.

I am now heartbroken, off work with a serious bout of depression and struggling to see a purpose in life.

Please think carefully about trying to maintain any kind of friendship. One person always wants more and it usually ends in years.

Just wanted to update.

So I had space for about a week and also spoke to a counsellor as i was struggling with the child abuse info he had confided. The counsellor hammered home how traumatic life must be for him right now and also telling me/getting so close probably made it more real.

Then last night we met at an event - at first he was being flirty/touchy feely, but it got better. We walked home together and were getting along happily having removed the romance part. He mentioned his latest therapy session and i was glad to be a bit removed from it all tbh. It feels strange how easy things seemed to flow between us, despite having broken it off so recently? But really we still got along so well with zero animosity. It almost feels wrong or something!