How do you know if you love someone but your not 'in love' with them?

[cantbeatfreshsheets]

I'm wondering how you know if you're with someone and think you love them but you're not actually in love with them. If you know what I mean?

Does anyone have any similar experiences or feelings and if so how do you know whether you are in love or not?

I know it's a totally random post.

Thanks in advance

Lack of rose-tinted glasses is a big give-away for me. If you can see someone for who they are, with all their faults, but still feel a huge amount of attraction and care for the person you love, you are not in love, but love someone.

Never understood this term. It states that there is two kinds of love.

There isn't.

The Greeks have six types of love apparently...

Love as a word is itself pretty meaningless.

I love Nutella.

I love my Mother.

Any word that has no quantifiable difference in use between those two examples is pretty pointless.

noego I love my DC's but I am in love with my DP

in love to me suggests as elfsie said a kind of lust overwhelming feeling that is not based on much except physical attraction, loving someone is deeper richer and more committed and more about the richer/ poorer sickness / health thing

was treating a man of eighty the other day who attended with his wife we were talking about weddings and he said my wife ( who is about 78 and looks it ) is as beautiful to me now as when we married and I love her more now than I did then; he also said a wedding is the starting gun of a marathon over at times very rough ground not a sprint. that is love not being in love

Why do you ask?

I think what people mean when they say is this
I love you = platonic, like I love my mother
I am in love with you = the above + lust and attraction

so in effect I love you but am not in love with you to me means that the spark, the lust, the attraction is gone from a relationship and the love is more like a family/siblings kind of a love.

In the early stages, no fast heartbeat. If you can live with the love without the palpitations, I think it's a more sustainable and realistic relationship. Those flutters can cover all manner of horrors or annoyances that might only reveal themselves after marriage, children, fraud...

Here speaks a cynical old married woman and mother!

I couldn't have done without the flutters myself though 😊

(I haven't been defrauded btw, just making the point - the feeling's called something like luminence)

The lust thing doesn't last though over the years or it can wax and wane.

Love as a word is itself pretty meaningless

It is a word that points to something, even though its use has been watered down. We need words to communicate. So it points to a feeling. That feeling can only be one. It cannot be duplicitous IMO.

@forumdonkey

I love my DC's but I am in love with my DP

First time I've heard that. It is usually love my kids unconditionally but not my DP/OH
Which would suggest conditional love and unconditional love. It cannot be there is only love. The TRUE feeling of love.

*it cannot be. There is only love

I suppose I ask because I know there are different types of love. For example. I know I love my DC. I know how that feels. Question is whether I love my DH. We are often up and down and i sure as hell know as clear as day the feeling of hatred towards him when things are in a tough patch. But when things are ok and going smoothly I don't know whether I care for him and am here because of circumstances or whether I'm here because I love him?

noego it doesn't mean one is more than the other, they are different. Yes I do believe there is different kinds of love

I suppose you could question whether or not you would miss him, does it make you sad thinking of a life if you weren't together? How often / long are the bad patches? I think every relationship has good times and bad, ups and downs. But I'd be devastated if me and DH separated. Even if were having a tough patch (which are not often at all) and I feel like I hate him, but deep down I want the bad patch to go iyswim.

What AnaVia said

I think if you’re having these thoughts, you’re probably not in love with him.
I never wonder if im with DH due to circumstance/convenience. I know I’m with him because I love him, I’m attracted to him, I love spending time with him and my life would be infinitely worse without him in it.

@SoyDora that is so lovely... having been with my ex out of convenience and now a single mum I am heartened that you have what I am hoping to find.

Noego, I think the way I see it is that there is love I feel for my children and family which I also feel for my partner, but I also feel in love with my husband. The" in love" bit is sexual desire, romance and passion. I think there are different types of love.
I love my mum but I'm not in love with her.

Soydora. You are probably right. I think you are very lucky and I wish I had that absolute knowledge that I couldn't live without my DH. I know in relationships there are a lot of different dynamics and variables, challenges etc but deep down I think you're right. Probably should not have to ask yourself the question how do I know I am?

I’ve always thought, ifyou have to ask, then your not IN love with that person!

I don't think it's as simple as that. I think sometimes people get fed up with the humdrum of life and expect their partner to meet every need they have. You have to make yourself happy. Some people have some crush come on the scene and then try to measure their partner against that person. I also think there are peaks and troughs if you're together for years, life is hard; bereavments, illness etc. Just don't think if you question things it automatically menas anything bad.

*means

@cantbeatfreshsheets
I think there are many different types of love, and people get confused (naturally) about the different stages. This is all in my personal opinion.
The first stage of love is the flutters, head over heals, can’t live without. The type you feel when you meet your partner, when nothing else matters, “head over heals”

Then you fall deeper in love, life takes over, you still have the above but this is not as often as before. This is when you unconditionally love that person, through the good and the bad, and can’t see yourself without this person. It’s the type of love which allows you to stand by each other, support each other. But life tends to have got in the way, and people question why the “fun” first time of love isn’t there.

Then there is the affectionate type of love. The love you feel for this person means you will always stand by each other. This is the type of love you feel for a child, mother etc. No matter what happens you will always love that person, your would do anything for that person. Like a parent or DC.

Some may disagree, but that’s my opinion

So what I think most are saying is that they love in certain circumstances. I.e. Having an opinion of someone, making a judgement and then deciding or feeling what type of love that person gets or doesn't get.

Is that pure love?